Can We Burn Stuff Yet?,

This is a genuine question that I have, not because I don't think that the issues around fires are important but because I think that they are.

This isn't just a thing where I'm saying, oh, I'm a leader, ahem, sorry volunteer in Scouting and I want to have a camp fire with my young people, but because I use fires as a way to get rid of garden waste in my own garden and not being able to do it at the moment in a controlled and safe manner with the appropriate extinguishing methods around is actually causing another issue meaning that when there hasn't been rain (and thankfully there has been the last couple of days) piles of garden waste are sitting around waiting to be disposed of and there's nothing I can do to get rid of them.

Now, I know some people will say things like get a skip or do a tip run, but we haven't got a trailer at the moment and even when we have the borrow of one there are limits on what sort of trailer and you can only take it to the tip once a month and it's got to be booked way in advance, but there are also limits on what can be taken. The house we bought is right near the river and gets a bit of Himalayan Balsam growing, which you can't take to the tip because it's invasive, so all we can really do is dry it, then burn it to try and get rid of it.

Now, I know that uncontrolled fires have been devastating and I'm not saying all of this should take priority over the protection of homes and firefighters and all of the other reasons that bans on disposable BBQs and such have been brought into place, but what I'm asking is, how do we know when things 'return to normal'? I'm guessing the UK warning system won't be used to state everything is fine and the danger has passed, and I don't think it should, but are we waiting for people to use common sense (God, I hope not!) or is there an announcement, a bulletin or something which will happen? Is it national? Is it regional? Are we on stop until Hallowe'en, or bonfire night? It's a genuine question I don't know the answer to...

And really, should disposable BBQs ever not be under a national ban? Well... Yes, and no. Personally I don't love them and I never have. They're sometimes used by Duke of Edinburgh groups and I find it really concerning, because whilst camping kit is expensive I think learning with inappropriate gear is worrying in general. People don't think about where they are setting them up, don't take them out of the cardboard and then the cardboard can act like a taper to the ground underneath and suddenly it's a whole mess that wasn't intended and likely wasn't anticipated by the person using them because they are by no means idiot proof. Small camping gas stoves are safer because of the difference in packaging and because generally they need to be cooler for less time before they can go back in a case and be safely carried away. They're also a bit less likely to just be dumped where they are used and they don't require the carrying of matches or lighters (generally). They're not stupidly expensive, either.

But, disposable BBQs do have their place. Now, I realise that above I'm making it seem like that's completely awful, but I was once involved in a festival at my university which was called Feastival and one of the main aims was for everyone to be able to eat together and when you have a university with a pretty damn good diversity record that can get a bit complicated. We needed Kosher cooking implements and that included the BBQ on which the food would be cooked as well as the food itself being kosher. Had one of the Jewish students who kept kosher been really into camping we likely would have had access to the right thing, but they didn't so the best option was a Kosher disposable BBQ which meant that no one had the extra errand of getting something kashered before the event or after it in case it had been contaminated by something, even if that was just for the peace of mind of all involved. We had a plan of how it would be used and monitored - within a short distance of the other BBQs and on an elevated surface away from flammable materials - with a bucket of water close by in case we needed to put it out quickly, and a plan for disposal afterwards - leave it for several hours until cool and then put it into the university bins - and we weren't in the middle of grassland or woodland. We were in the "centre" of London - not the city of London or anything - but we still weren't taking any chances!

And on that note, I'm going to watch the rain on my windows... 

Things That Changed When I Went To Mummy and Me Dancing,

The class isn't actually called Mummy and Me dancing, but that's what it gets referred to as in our house and it works.

At risk of going on a tangent, I'm going to go against the commandments of Tim Minchin about defining yourself by things you love and not just things you hate.

When my son was first born I didn't know what to do with myself or with him, but I knew that everything I had seen of baby sensory classes meant I wasn't really up for that, and you're not able to take tiny babies to swimming. Since I had a C section, I wouldn't have been able to go until that point anyway, and I wasn't confident of taking him on my own, or my own recovery for a long time, so we've still not gone.

I can't remember how I found the class I now go to, but I am honestly glad that I did.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm really uncoordinated and any sort of dance routine highlights that even more. I can fall over trying to walk in a straight line, so trying to dance definitely makes me worry I might fall on my butt, or make an idiot out of myself, but it has been some of the best fun I have had for a while, and the extra weight of having baby during the routines makes it great exercise, too. 

I started off wanting to lose a bit of weight to fit into a wedding dress, which hasn't really happened, but I have been able to get stronger, be better able to carry my son partly due to some great advice on carriers, and also made some other mum friends whose babies are around the same age as my son.

I have really enjoyed listening to some different music, learning dance routines or trying to as best as I can manage, and only sitting out the dances which are filmed for social media, because we're not posting little man online. I'm less worried about looking silly or falling over during line dances and I'm starting to get to grips with some of the routines. I'm still nowhere near a fitness enthusiast, and I can't do press ups or a proper plank, but I can follow the steps and I know what a grape vine is, at least in the context of that dance class! 

That being said, I'm still lost when we do something new, and I still have no idea what a step ball change is or whether that is how you write it down. I know I could Google it, but the truth is I'm not sure I mind not knowing. 

One thing I never imagined though was it being tough when other mum's go back to work. It's partly because it reminds me that it won't be long before I go back, too, but also because you spend weeks or months hearing about the struggles and milestones of other babies, and then oh so very quickly we get to the stage where their mum is going back to work and those little ones are going to nursery, a childminder or another relative to be looked after, and if these kids come across each other again it'll likely be when they are 16 and in college, and any bond that they had as babies will have been long forgotten. They play together, they learn together, they learn from each other, but then they are soon separated and it's such a shame. I know the same will happen when they go to nursery, but at least the majority of the time they will stay together until they are ready to go to Reception and go off to their different primary schools.

Since going to a class with other babies I've realised there is a value in baby sensory and other bits that aren't really up my street, but at the right time or in the right place, they can be pretty good. 

What Can You Have Left To Do?,

Baring in mind that we booked the wedding back in January, a few people have been asking me if everything is ready and everything is done and I would love to be the sort of super organised person that could say, yes, all that's left to do is pack, but sadly that is not the case.

First off, my future husband still needs a new shirt and a new pair of shoes to match his suit. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff, but this doesn't really feel too small! 

I'm still working on getting a few toys sorted for the playpen for little man, partly so he has somewhere to chill out and somewhere to stop himself from getting bored.

As if that was not enough I'm still working on a couple of little art projects for the wedding day and trying to find the time to do them is a little testing, but hopefully there is just enough time to get those done, and then it will be packing everything into the cars and getting everything from our house to the venue which feels like it might be a bit of a trauma.

It doesn't help that I keep feeling like I have hit a wall of exhaustion and still have a little boy to look after, and the little scamp is getting far more adventurous and mobile.

So as we head into the weekend and the number of weeks until the wedding ticks down by another one, I'm going to keep trying to find the time to get everything sorted and finished whilst also juggling little man and keeping him smiling!

So What Was It This Time,

For once, the reason I didn't get this posted on my own sort of schedule wasn't because of my son. Don't get me wrong, he's still a little tyke, skipping naps or having ten minutes and being "well rested" or not liking being put down for 30 seconds so I can pee or make food (I know neither of those two things are a 30 second job but his limit is 30 seconds before you know he's upset about not being the focus of attention, but he's a baby and that's what happens...)

Honestly the reason I've not posted is because I couldn't figure out what to write and it's not because my mind has gone blank, or because I've run out of things to say about the wedding or anything like that, but because I have always been mindful about what I do post and I try not to post any sort of drama which will act like a milk frother and just whip everything up worse and make my life even more hectic. Mainly because I don't have the time or the energy for the fall out. 

Recently, I've been upset by a few things that certain people have done and honestly it has taken far too much of my already limited time and vastly limited energy to either try and find a way to not care about it, or to deal with it. And let's be real, there are some situations which you can't deal with. There is no solution to them because the other people involved will never see things from your side. I'd love to say that that is fine, but honestly, it's frustrating and even more so when people complain about being in the middle, which is right where they have sat themselves. I realise this probably seems like vague shitposting and if I was reading it I would be wanting someone to do a Boston and throw all of the tea in the water, but I'm not going to do that, because it's a waste of time and because the idea of adding fuel to the fire when it's so close to my wedding is not actually an attractive prospect.

Inevitably, I don't know if people are intentionally starting drama right near the wedding to wind me up, to try and wind my future husband up, or just because they're too oblivious to realise it's a real dick move to put extra stress onto people that close to their wedding, but I'm honestly so done with it, and I've already been on a bit of a blocking binge for people who are just sapping my energy at the moment and I won't apologise for it. 

With the wedding getting closer one of the things on my list was to try and queue up a few blogs to give me time to finish the bits and pieces I need to and also for the time that our honeymoon should/may be, but honestly, I may need to sacrifice that one in order to stick to getting everything for the wedding done and everything for daily life done, too. Sorry and all that, but we'll just have to see what happens. 

That Which We Call A Hen Do...,

 Right, I've seen these called Hen Dos for years and I've seen American's call them bachelorette parties for years, too, but I saw it referred to as Stags and Does the other day and I don't know where that's from but it just doesn't sit right with me, to be quite honest. I don't know what it is, but I heard it and my only thought was, ew, no thanks. 

My image of a hen party has always been the 'classic' thing of Blackpool, getting drunk, wearing plaid skirts with plastic bottoms glued on (because I saw them in Blackpool once) and again it was one of those things that was like, yeah... no thanks, it's not for me. My future husband and I did consider just renting an Airbnb somewhere, having a few drinks with close friends and a bit of a games night but when we wrote out a list of people we would like to invite it started to get a little bit crazy and then get away from the idea of it being just a holiday of friends and more into typical stag or hen parties which are banned from some big houses because of the damage that previous drunken parties have done. The bigger it got, the more it felt like a mini wedding party before the wedding or we worried that there would be people we were inviting out of obligation rather than a desire for them to be there and so that went out of the window. I had thought before a spa day with just my mum or something might be nice, but even that didn't feel quite right, so it was back to the drawing board again. 

In the end I thought I would do the same thing as we have done for the wedding and take an approach of it's my party and I'm going to do what I want. 

One thing I did realise with it was that my ability to organise is shocking, and my ability to understand dates has got worse since having my son because I don't need to know what day or date it is most of the time, so there were a few people that I realised last minute that had I sat down and thought about it properly, I would have invited, but inviting people on the day of felt like an afterthought, which it wasn't but I think I've found the reason that the hen do is organised by your maid of honour or bridesmaids and it's because splitting focus between the wedding and the hen means you kind of do everything wrong.

I had desperately wanted to go to a certain Italian restaurant in Manchester, but when I came to book it, getting a table before 9pm wasn't possible, and we were meeting up earlier than that so I wasn't really up for going out for drinks and then going there because it was a group of neurodivergent friends and I, and we can get loud without realising it when we're sober, and I didn't want to interrupt other people's dinners, especially not there and especially not when the place was having a busy night, so instead I chose an Indian place which I love and got to introduce my super foodie friend to it. That never happens! There's also something very apt about it being a hen night and chaat bombs, because giving people warnings that they will go everywhere if you bite them. How is it that EVERY TIME someone does not heed the warning? So the night started with yoghurt everywhere and went from there. 

It wasn't a traditional thing in any way shape or form, because it was me and my male friends, I hated the white dress I had been planning on wearing so grabbed something black instead (and my green Doc Martens, so got to feel so like myself that it was incredible), and instead of doing the somewhat popular activity, food, drowning your liver in your tipple of choice we started with drinking at dinner and it all escalated from there. The lads hadn't known each other at the start of the night, but one of the great things is that they will now know each other at the wedding and that makes me feel a lot calmer, because people coming on their own who don't know anyone else there makes me worry. I don't want anyone to feel left out during the wedding, so it's good that they've got someone they vaguely know and once got drunk with.

It's also not lost on me that the people who were able to make it are those who don't have children, and those who couldn't make it have, because I know that had it been someone else's night and my son was ill, or he'd been a live wire for the day and I was exhausted, I wouldn't have made it either, and even though I do bring him up in conversation quite a bit, it was nice that the hen do wasn't completely about being his mum.

The night ended with my very soon to be husband picking up three of us and driving us home whilst I was insufferably drunk, and putting up with me as he does so well, and only partly because I've promised to do the same for him after his stag do.

I don't know whether it's that the hen do has happened or by sheer proximity, but everything for the wedding is feeling a lot more real now and whilst I love that, it is making me very nervous about things arriving on time or getting everything packed and to the venue, getting last things like hair cuts and nails done (why am I suddenly a person who cares about getting my nails done!) and I have genuinely considered starting to pack suitcases of bits we need but I keep telling myself that that is a bit neurotic, but I probably won't be able to hold off that long because it's getting very close now. 

I'm sure that a few people who have read this blog for a while will be glad when the wedding stuff goes off, but when it's so close and it's such a big thing in your life, it's obviously something you're going to talk about a lot of the time, and even when I don't, people ask.

I May Have Mentioned This Before,

 But I'm tired and I'm trying so let's just go with it.

One of the "fun" things about getting married is that it changes the way that you register the birth or births of any future children. When our son was born it was assumed that I was his mother, but because my partner and I weren't married at the time, until we went and formally registered his birth and put my partner's name on the birth certificate, he didn't have any legal parental responsibility for him. How that would have worked had something gone wrong I don't really know, but thankfully one of the things that happens following a marriage is that a child is assumed to belong to both the birthing parent and their spouse. (As far as I am aware it is the same for non-binary or same sex couples.)

I'm just going to note that I'm saying I was assumed to be his mother because there are a few legal sticky bits if there's been surrogacy involved or any mix ups at fertility clinics, though I believe they are thankfully very few and far between!

Naturally, that only impacts any future children we have as opposed to the little guy we have now, so what happens with him? Well, we have to re-register his birth as a child of our marriage. Before you say, well he's not, I know. Before you say it's stupid, I know, it is. But it is a legal requirement and what gets even more ridiculous is that it's not even because he's under a certain age. No matter - as I understand it - the age of the child (even if they're an adult) their birth has to be re-registered. And yes, legally you have to do it, even though there is no specific timeline on which you have to do it. (Or a penalty for not doing, as far as I understand.)

And as with a lot of things, I had a bit of an emotional reaction to this, because it feels a bit like re-writing history as though I'm embarrassed that my partner and I weren't married at the time that we had my son and as though that means something about my son. I know in the past it has and there have been some names which people use to describe children born outside of a marriage, and the reason is - at least in part - the inheritance law which was why this appointment existed, but the really stupid thing is, that has been changed! But the marriage law or the registration part wasn't and I don't understand why. To me, it seems like it's just giving the registry office something more to do, as though they're not actually busy (which they are) and stopping these appointments, which are done for free, would free up time to do other things like marriage notice appointments (which are paid for) or marriages (which are paid for) or register births. When we registered little man's birth we registered him in the local authority he was born in (which you have to) and we were able to do that when he was 3 days old, but in the one we live in, you couldn't get an appointment for a few weeks, and there are certain things you need the birth certificate to do, like open a bank account or get a passport, so it seems crazy to have to offer needless appointments which take time away from very important ones!

Even if you're not a big believer in marriage or it's not something you are particularly fussed about, there are things which make it sensible, like thinking about inheritance if something happened to one of you, or for ensuring that if something bad happens, you are the legal next of kin. I realise that all seems to be for planning "if something bad happens" but in those situations, marriage becomes important and not being married is just another stress on top of an already stressful situation. For some, it's the protection of if you split, assets are divided and there is the ability to have the situation looked at from the outside, because if there are kids involved, one of you likely had to pause your career in order to look after them, even if it was for a short time, and financial contributions wouldn't look 50/50, but that's not all there is to family life. 

I think this went in a different direction than I was originally intending, but that happens when you write a blog in two halves. 

Insomnia Hits Different Now,

Before I got pregnant - God, that seems like such a long time ago now - I used to get really aggravated when people would tell me that I didn't know what tired was because I wasn't and never had been a parent. It honestly bugged the hell out of me. Now that I am a parent, it still bugs the hell out of me. 

Here's the thing. I've had sleep issues for a long time and when I was writing over one of the summers after I was in college, I got into this fabulous routine where I was going to sleep around 2am and getting up around 10am and I was wildly more functional as a person than I have been in a long time. All of a sudden I was getting enough sleep and getting through sleep cycles so I actually felt rested and it was just glorious, but it's a sleep pattern that doesn't fit in with work or with a lot of things and it certainly doesn't fit in with my son, partly because he is still working on the idea of a sleep routine...

Insomnia hits differently now because I used to give myself the permission to sleep more when I could, and I don't really get to do that as much anymore because my son doesn't always love naps and sometimes by the time he gets down for a nap I'm too awake to also have a nap, but also because the point where it becomes a problem and the point where I can do something about it have swapped now. If I realise I'm hitting the point of exhaustion where I need a solid sleep, I need to take some meds to help me sleep before about 10pm, but most of the time I don't figure out that I'm actually struggling until about 1am and then it's too late to be able to do anything, because the type of meds that help me sleep can leave me slightlu incapacitated which isn't an option when I'm the only adult who will be in the house for a few hours with my son and it's also a time when he is likely to be awake and need attention.

People told me that you find a new reserve of energy and you're able to get through the day and unless I'm missing something or that doesn't kick in until you go back to work, it's not happened unfortunately, and I'm worried that it won't, but I guess I will have to wait to find out...