Am I Doing This Right?,

I have to admit, parenthood feels a lot like asking yourself this question a million times a day and being worried that the answer is no, though from what one of the health visitors or midwives said in the early days, the only truly bad parents are the type who either don't ask themselves the question or don't really care what the answer is. Naturally though it's something I worry about, because I worry about everything.

Particularly I'm worried about it at the moment in concern to weaning, because guidance about it is so all over the map, and some people will say you HAVE to start with purees and some will say you HAVE to start with baby led weaning (which doesn't mean no purees) and some people will tell you to just do what works for you and for the baby. Okay, fine, so he's just going to eat chips wherever we are then? Nooooo. 

We started purees early because my little vomit comet was forever losing his stomach contents and - like an idiot - I thought that purees would help him to maintain his weight even if he was puking milk everywhere, but it turns out that purees aren't really nutrient or calorie dense foods, so yes they would stay in his tummy better, but no, they weren't going to help him with his weight at all. That being said, he has moved up the growth charts since the point where we were told he was tiny and to look at him, it's obvious he's a healthy and growing kid. It's hard not to get concerned about the numbers when you go from growth scans where they are right on average, then they seem to drop off a lot, and then they're on or near the 9th centile line and then fall off of that. Now I understand that centiles are like if you lined up a hundred kids born on the same day at the same point and put them in order of weight or length or head size, but I would have thought that "normal" would be something like forty five to fifty five. I'm not sure why I chose that number, or those numbers, but I thought that, and it turns out that the anomalous, or extreme, numbers on that scale are actually 0-2 and 98-100 according to the allergy clinic. If someone had told me that six months ago it would have saved me a whole lot of stress.

Another thing that gets challenging with weaning though is how much do you give them? They're still little, they're still drinking milk and they have no concept of what a feeling of a full stomach is really, or that over eating leads to vomiting, so if you're completely led by your child that is sure to go wrong, isn't it? Well, yes and no. If they're turning their head away or refusing to open their mouth, they might not like something or they might be full, or they might just be having an off day, but you're the parent, so if you know that they've eaten double in one sitting what they normally do, you have to be the responsible bar tender and cut them off. 

Some of it is about persistence as well. Most advice says try giving your child something ten times before accepting that they don't like it. Personally I find that really hard, because chickpeas make little man cry, but also because if he's not interested in food it's getting thrown and if it's not something the dog will willingly eat (and I can then clean the floor of dog spit instead) it's trying to get it cleaned up myself, and that's either from the floor, from smeared all over the high chair or changing whatever clothes he's wearing because it's gone all over him... 

As if all of that is not enough, there is a window of time to move from just thin purees which are mainly fruit and vegetables where you're trying things out to textures. Things like yoghurt (or dairy free alternatives if, like us, yoghurt is off the menu), couscous, pasta, toast, soft biscuits, melty sticks, wafers, strips of food etc. Between eight and twelve months is apparently the absolute must to ensure that babies don't end up stuck on purees with a lot more difficulty moving on. Obviously this is caveated in terms of development, but that's the best window in terms of the average... And honestly, it's hard. 

The first time little legs tried couscous it was because I was having couscous, and I thought, well, the pouch he's eating today is a savoury one anyway so I can just pinch some couscous from my lunch, mix in some of his pouch so it has more flavour and isn't dry and we'll see where we get. There was coughing, there was wretching, there was a whole lot of saliva, but there were also smiles and grabbing for the spoon, so it's not that it was terrible, it was just new. We gave his melty sticks and wafers before he got his teeth through because I had read that they can help with teething, but things like toast and biscuits waited for the teeth to arrive to make sure he had the ability to cut through them and not end up with huge chunks in his throat. 

Even with a couple of teeth through and a few months of practice with purees under our belt, weaning is still a scary experience. It's fun to see how he reacts to new food and what he likes and doesn't like - spoiler alert, if it's not chickpeas, he likes it, at least so far - but given he already has an allergy to milk, it's nerve racking to worry he'll have another allergy and that could be more serious, and that's on top of worries like you have with any child that they could swallow something or choke on something and it becomes a medical emergency really quickly. I can give him a bottle and be bobbing around the room whilst he finishes it, but with solids, I have to be looking at him and making sure I know how he's getting on. I'm not complaining about that, because it's important to make sure he's safe and I know that, but it means another task I have to be switched on for and something else I need to fit into the day with everything else. And how many times do you do it? Well, you should be getting towards three meals a day. I have no clear concept of how to do that. Parenting classes focused on not shaking the baby, not how to get through weaning... 

That being said, I realise this slightly moan-y blog is coming from a privileged place.  Yes, he has an allergy, but it's one thing (granted which is in a lot of things and I've turned into a habitual packet reader) not multiple things which make it hard to use pre-made purees and dinners and mean you're cooking everything yourself, and it's not life threatening, because the after effects are unpleasant but not anaphylaxis. In terms of development, the little guy is doing well, so he's sitting up, trying to crawl, and doing all of the muscular things he needs to do for eating, and he's curious about everything. His interest in food is a really good thing (until I'm eating something with cheese in and need to defend it). The prognosis for his allergy is that it's somewhere between highly possible and highly likely he will grow out of it, and it's not an uncommon thing. 10% of baby's now have a milk allergy of some sort and I think it was something like 80% of those children grow out of the allergy. 

There is work to be done on it, because part of growing out of the allergy comes from working through something called the milk ladder, which manages exposure and builds tolerance gradually, but that is doable, and I do know that we're lucky in a lot of ways, even if I did just put my unsocked foot into a puddle of refluxed milk and that feeling is putrid.

It Doesn't Have To Be Perfect,

Let me start this off with saying I'm not a girl who has imagined my wedding from being a small child. I've seen wedding dresses I've loved and trends I have hated, but I've never been the girl who has known what colours she would choose, what flowers she wanted, the dress, the shoes, the food and everything. I had an idea of the dress and I bought something pretty close to it, but then it didn't fit.

As we've been going along in this planning process though there have been thingsw I've loved and things I've wanted and things where I've thought, screw it, it'll do. (I know, I know, that's really not the attitude.) 

Some of the things which I chose to make - partly because I left it too late to order them - have been somewhat the bane of my life these last couple of weeks and that has been partly because I want them to be perfect, and accepting that they don't have to be and most likely won't be is really hard. But I'm not a painter. I'm not an artist in any way really and I think reminding myself that some of the things I'm making are going to look a bit rustic and wonky is fine, partly because they are homemade, handmade, made with a love of love and effort even if not too much skill and actually that's the thing that makes them lovely.

Yes, I could have paid a lot of money for someone else to do things for me - and this is no disrespect to those who do - but these are things I chose to give a go, spend my time and energy on and that means even though they are imperfect, they are pretty special, too. It might just be something I'm telling myself to feel better, but I guess that's what I have to do at the moment, because even if I wanted to throw the whole idea out of the window or choose to go back and find someone to make them "properly" there's not the time or the budget to do it now, so it's make do or do without...

Why Custom Rings Are A Total Racket,

Or at least I think so...

This isn't meant as any shade towards anyone with a custom ring, by the way.

There are some times when they make sense. A former partner of mine bought, or was gifted, I can't really remember the story, a large, partially finished amethyst when he was visiting India, and the plan was always to get it finished and set into a ring as an engagement ring, and that would have made a lot of sense to me. I also get when people get stones from heirloom rings either reshaped or refinished or just reset into something more modern or more to the taste of the intended wearer. What I don't quite get is saying, I couldn't find anything I like, so I got something custom... Oh kay... 

When my partner and I were looking at rings (he wasn't my fiancé at the point  because he hadn't asked and I hadn't said yes, because he wanted to do it properly and have the ring ready) there was so much choice it was a bit overwhelming, and even though you're thinking about the question of spending the rest of your lives together - or at least you hope that's the intention! - I personally think the question of budgets is an awkward one, but I'm not a big fan of talking about money generally.

I know some people can be really specific about engagement rings (whether their own or someone else's) and it has to be a diamond (traditionally it's the protect the woman's virginity (not sure that's such a big deal these days) and it should be x proportion of a wage (I think the tradition was something like a week or a months pay cheque or something) and a ring from Pandora is definitely not an engagement ring (genuinely read a story about that on Facebook and the comments made me die a little on the inside). There's other things like pre-owned rings are bad luck but heirloom rings are good... What's the difference? Well, a pre-owned one is one someone bought and used for a proposal where the answer was no, and an heirloom is one from a marriage. Clearly, it was all down to the ring...

I've had a costume ring I was in love with for years and I was specifically looking for something in the same style, but I would have loved whatever ring he picked, or we picked, I think, though maybe there are a couple of caveats to that. I'm not the biggest fan of pear or oval or marquise shaped stones not for any other reason than I'm just not, and I wasn't particularly enamoured with the idea of a solitaire ring or something pave (I can't find the accent on an Apple keyboard...) but there were still millions to choose from be it diamonds or other stones, different bands, different cuts or whatever. If literally nothing from jewellers would have done I know a few different vintage stores that carry gorgeous rings and I might have been able to find something I loved in the right size or something near enough I could have had it resized, but as it turned out, I found the perfect ring and said something like that one... and my partner said, okay, that one...

Now the only problem with "that one" was a wedding band wasn't going to fit under it, and it wasn't going to sit nicely next to it, so I was trying to look for something that would go around it. Why does this feel like we're going on a bear hunt?

Now, I thought it was highly logical to just go back to the same jewellers because surely if something is sold as an engagement ring they would stock a wedding ring to go with it, even if it's not sold in a wedding or bridal set? Well, apparently not. They suggested a ring with a bump in it, but the bump wasn't the right size or shape or angle or whatever to sit around my ring. They suggested a flat ring, but it didn't sit under my ring, or under the detail (it also wasn't anything like anything I wanted) and they suggested what I can only describe as either an incomplete or horse shoe ring. It didn't suit my engagement ring at all, and I'm kind of glad because again, it was nothing close to anything I wanted or liked, so the jeweller suggested their design service for a custom ring. We paid a fee, sent my ring off to be cast so that the new ring would fit with it perfectly and gave them a brief of what we wanted. All it had to be was a plain wedding band that looked like a wedding band, the same thickness as the band on my engagement ring, no diamonds, no inclusions, no nothing. It was something simple and understated and when they came back with a price that was well over a thousand pounds (from memory it was actually closer to fifteen hundred...) my jaw and my butt were in a race to the floor because honestly, I couldn't believe it. We went to collect my engagement ring from the store and I was feeling sad because I thought I wouldn't find something and I should have factored that in during the engagement ring search, but on the way I found something different, which still wasn't right, but it made them think hey, what about a wishbone shape? And it was perfect. And it was more elaborate. And it was less than half of what we were quoted for the custom ring. For the same shape. I was honestly livid.

My wedding ring is sat in a box with my future husband's future ring, and I can't wait to wear it, not just because it will mean we're married, and that the wedding is over, but also because I genuinely love it, and I think it looks stunning next to my engagement ring. I think back about the money we nearly spent on a ring to fit my engagement ring and it makes me feel sick. I don't know if it's just that the jewellers were pushing that service, or if they really hadn't thought of that ring or in a moment of temporary insanity had forgotten it existed, or if they thought we had the sort of money to drop that kind of cash on my wedding ring, but it upset me for a long while and for a few different reasons. In all of the wedding planning process, that was one of the genuinely really difficult bits, not because I'm being a bit soft, but because it genuinely felt so complicated, so expensive and so bloody stupid.

But we muddled through it and we found our way in the end, and I'm glad that we did. It took us a while to find the right wedding ring, but then it took us a long while to find each other, so maybe it fits. And at the risk of sounding very twee, I couldn't imagine any other ring being right just like I couldn't imagine any other person being right. You may now vomit into the nearest available waste paper basket. (Kidding).

Why I'm No Longer In Love With Vinted,

Right, this is not me saying I don't like Vinted or I'm going to stop using it or anything like that, but there are a few things I am getting sick of, and it's not just things which are problems with sellers or buyers or general users, though some of the things are.

First off, I recently bought a veil because the one I was going to use for my wedding got damaged, so I bought a new to me one on Vinted. One of the biggest reasons for doing that is that veils, or at least those in the price bracket I was happy to look at, tend to be made of unnatural materials and they're used once and then either packed away as an heirloom you don't know that someone is going to want or they're donated to charity shops (good choice!) or they're a little bit damaged and they're thrown in the bin. I do understand that most people are not going to choose to buy a damaged veil or people won't fix it before selling it if it was cheap to start with and I also realise that there might seem to be a bit of hypocrisy in criticising throwing away a broken veil since I was shopping to replace on BUT I was going to replace the comb on my original until it seemed like that would cost more than getting a new one and I couldn't find one I actually liked. Tangent over, I bought a cathedral length veil because I was having a bit of a fairy whimsical day. It arrived, I tried it on with my dress and decided it looked daft. Say what you will about bridal stores being expensive but at least you can try things on in store without committing to buying them before realising it looks ridiculous. To me, it seems pointless to take a load of new pictures of the thing when the condition is completely unchanged, and Vinted themselves say that if you receive something and change your mind on it, resell it. But you can't use the same pictures. Or pictures which are too similar, because it flags it. Doesn't flag a shocking amount of baby formula which you're not allowed to resell, but that is by the by. I get that not taking your own pictures is a risk because the condition CAN have changed, but there are also times it hasn't, and it means for things like a dress, which you try on, don't damage but isn't your size, you can't take your own photo of it being worn BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FIT!

Another thing which gets my goat is something I've seen a lot of people upset about. Items which arrive in a condition which is not what you were expecting have to either be resold or returned at the cost of the buyer. Erm, no? The seller has the choice to return it at their expense, but I would be curious to see the data on how many do actually cover the postage, because I doubt it's many. It's not even like this is covered by Vinted and the "buyer protection" even though that is exactly what such a charge should be for, surely? I'm sure some sellers do return things at their cost, when they genuinely didn't realise there was a stain or a hole or a part missing or whatever, but if you've taken photos to show something in "it's best light" and that really means you've edited out the bobbling, or hidden the fake tan on the collar or just omitted something entirely, you're not going to cop for the postage to return, are you? I realise that there will be debate over the condition of something - I've had a situation before where someone complained about the condition of an item where it was visible in the photos and they were trying to demand a return or they would leave negative feedback (it wasn't on Vinted, mind) - or what some people call "good" others would call "fair" or "satisfactory" or whatever, and at that stage Vinted really need to step in as the arbiter and take the evidence of the advert and any photos submitted etc and make a decision. Yes, there will always be someone feeling wronged, but it's surely fairer? I'm sure that's what eBay used to do or possibly still do?

The thing that irritates me the most though is, and I realise I could be alone in this one, but I doubt it, I hate when you're looking for something specific, and it's not the sort of thing you'll need to buy repeatedly, and then you find a deal you're happy with, you buy it, and then your feed is FULL of that item. I know it's how the algorithms work and such, but there is nothing more annoying than a parade of 'here's what you could have had' where you might see something better, cheaper, closer (for bigger items) but you've bought something now and it should be done with. It's not what Vinted was supposed to be made for because it just feeds consumerism and Vinted was supposed to be about reducing what goes into landfill and reusing thing which still have life. They're already crap about allowing you to sell recycled items which you've had made from something else so they could at least stick to the bits that they committed to do. If it's things like baby clothes, sure, show me other things in the same size, or in a month or so, the next size, but don't show me newborn stuff when I'm searching 3-6 months because I DON'T NEED IT! Don't show me bottle warmers when I just bought one because I HAVE ONE and YOU KNOW I DO!

There are other bits, like I can't stand AI photos, and allowing people to list Shein brands as anything but Shein, the stupid sizing changes (why do we have to have a number and a letter when the two very often don't match up!) for an inability to use brands actually sizing in the listing? Snags have a specific letter sizing for a reason and I'm sure that Vinted could reference their sizing chart or others like Ted Baker to make it easier for everyone! I know Snag have now made their own preloved market place and I can understand why when so many others have so many problems! I'm sure there are other things to, but without a viable alternative (and I don't love eBay either and I think Little Loop is elitist - sorry) people will continue to use it and if people continue to use it as is, most businesses will never see a reason to change. *sigh*

Can We Burn Stuff Yet?,

This is a genuine question that I have, not because I don't think that the issues around fires are important but because I think that they are.

This isn't just a thing where I'm saying, oh, I'm a leader, ahem, sorry volunteer in Scouting and I want to have a camp fire with my young people, but because I use fires as a way to get rid of garden waste in my own garden and not being able to do it at the moment in a controlled and safe manner with the appropriate extinguishing methods around is actually causing another issue meaning that when there hasn't been rain (and thankfully there has been the last couple of days) piles of garden waste are sitting around waiting to be disposed of and there's nothing I can do to get rid of them.

Now, I know some people will say things like get a skip or do a tip run, but we haven't got a trailer at the moment and even when we have the borrow of one there are limits on what sort of trailer and you can only take it to the tip once a month and it's got to be booked way in advance, but there are also limits on what can be taken. The house we bought is right near the river and gets a bit of Himalayan Balsam growing, which you can't take to the tip because it's invasive, so all we can really do is dry it, then burn it to try and get rid of it.

Now, I know that uncontrolled fires have been devastating and I'm not saying all of this should take priority over the protection of homes and firefighters and all of the other reasons that bans on disposable BBQs and such have been brought into place, but what I'm asking is, how do we know when things 'return to normal'? I'm guessing the UK warning system won't be used to state everything is fine and the danger has passed, and I don't think it should, but are we waiting for people to use common sense (God, I hope not!) or is there an announcement, a bulletin or something which will happen? Is it national? Is it regional? Are we on stop until Hallowe'en, or bonfire night? It's a genuine question I don't know the answer to...

And really, should disposable BBQs ever not be under a national ban? Well... Yes, and no. Personally I don't love them and I never have. They're sometimes used by Duke of Edinburgh groups and I find it really concerning, because whilst camping kit is expensive I think learning with inappropriate gear is worrying in general. People don't think about where they are setting them up, don't take them out of the cardboard and then the cardboard can act like a taper to the ground underneath and suddenly it's a whole mess that wasn't intended and likely wasn't anticipated by the person using them because they are by no means idiot proof. Small camping gas stoves are safer because of the difference in packaging and because generally they need to be cooler for less time before they can go back in a case and be safely carried away. They're also a bit less likely to just be dumped where they are used and they don't require the carrying of matches or lighters (generally). They're not stupidly expensive, either.

But, disposable BBQs do have their place. Now, I realise that above I'm making it seem like that's completely awful, but I was once involved in a festival at my university which was called Feastival and one of the main aims was for everyone to be able to eat together and when you have a university with a pretty damn good diversity record that can get a bit complicated. We needed Kosher cooking implements and that included the BBQ on which the food would be cooked as well as the food itself being kosher. Had one of the Jewish students who kept kosher been really into camping we likely would have had access to the right thing, but they didn't so the best option was a Kosher disposable BBQ which meant that no one had the extra errand of getting something kashered before the event or after it in case it had been contaminated by something, even if that was just for the peace of mind of all involved. We had a plan of how it would be used and monitored - within a short distance of the other BBQs and on an elevated surface away from flammable materials - with a bucket of water close by in case we needed to put it out quickly, and a plan for disposal afterwards - leave it for several hours until cool and then put it into the university bins - and we weren't in the middle of grassland or woodland. We were in the "centre" of London - not the city of London or anything - but we still weren't taking any chances!

And on that note, I'm going to watch the rain on my windows... 

Things That Changed When I Went To Mummy and Me Dancing,

The class isn't actually called Mummy and Me dancing, but that's what it gets referred to as in our house and it works.

At risk of going on a tangent, I'm going to go against the commandments of Tim Minchin about defining yourself by things you love and not just things you hate.

When my son was first born I didn't know what to do with myself or with him, but I knew that everything I had seen of baby sensory classes meant I wasn't really up for that, and you're not able to take tiny babies to swimming. Since I had a C section, I wouldn't have been able to go until that point anyway, and I wasn't confident of taking him on my own, or my own recovery for a long time, so we've still not gone.

I can't remember how I found the class I now go to, but I am honestly glad that I did.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm really uncoordinated and any sort of dance routine highlights that even more. I can fall over trying to walk in a straight line, so trying to dance definitely makes me worry I might fall on my butt, or make an idiot out of myself, but it has been some of the best fun I have had for a while, and the extra weight of having baby during the routines makes it great exercise, too. 

I started off wanting to lose a bit of weight to fit into a wedding dress, which hasn't really happened, but I have been able to get stronger, be better able to carry my son partly due to some great advice on carriers, and also made some other mum friends whose babies are around the same age as my son.

I have really enjoyed listening to some different music, learning dance routines or trying to as best as I can manage, and only sitting out the dances which are filmed for social media, because we're not posting little man online. I'm less worried about looking silly or falling over during line dances and I'm starting to get to grips with some of the routines. I'm still nowhere near a fitness enthusiast, and I can't do press ups or a proper plank, but I can follow the steps and I know what a grape vine is, at least in the context of that dance class! 

That being said, I'm still lost when we do something new, and I still have no idea what a step ball change is or whether that is how you write it down. I know I could Google it, but the truth is I'm not sure I mind not knowing. 

One thing I never imagined though was it being tough when other mum's go back to work. It's partly because it reminds me that it won't be long before I go back, too, but also because you spend weeks or months hearing about the struggles and milestones of other babies, and then oh so very quickly we get to the stage where their mum is going back to work and those little ones are going to nursery, a childminder or another relative to be looked after, and if these kids come across each other again it'll likely be when they are 16 and in college, and any bond that they had as babies will have been long forgotten. They play together, they learn together, they learn from each other, but then they are soon separated and it's such a shame. I know the same will happen when they go to nursery, but at least the majority of the time they will stay together until they are ready to go to Reception and go off to their different primary schools.

Since going to a class with other babies I've realised there is a value in baby sensory and other bits that aren't really up my street, but at the right time or in the right place, they can be pretty good. 

What Can You Have Left To Do?,

Baring in mind that we booked the wedding back in January, a few people have been asking me if everything is ready and everything is done and I would love to be the sort of super organised person that could say, yes, all that's left to do is pack, but sadly that is not the case.

First off, my future husband still needs a new shirt and a new pair of shoes to match his suit. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff, but this doesn't really feel too small! 

I'm still working on getting a few toys sorted for the playpen for little man, partly so he has somewhere to chill out and somewhere to stop himself from getting bored.

As if that was not enough I'm still working on a couple of little art projects for the wedding day and trying to find the time to do them is a little testing, but hopefully there is just enough time to get those done, and then it will be packing everything into the cars and getting everything from our house to the venue which feels like it might be a bit of a trauma.

It doesn't help that I keep feeling like I have hit a wall of exhaustion and still have a little boy to look after, and the little scamp is getting far more adventurous and mobile.

So as we head into the weekend and the number of weeks until the wedding ticks down by another one, I'm going to keep trying to find the time to get everything sorted and finished whilst also juggling little man and keeping him smiling!