It Doesn't Have To Be Perfect,

Let me start this off with saying I'm not a girl who has imagined my wedding from being a small child. I've seen wedding dresses I've loved and trends I have hated, but I've never been the girl who has known what colours she would choose, what flowers she wanted, the dress, the shoes, the food and everything. I had an idea of the dress and I bought something pretty close to it, but then it didn't fit.

As we've been going along in this planning process though there have been thingsw I've loved and things I've wanted and things where I've thought, screw it, it'll do. (I know, I know, that's really not the attitude.) 

Some of the things which I chose to make - partly because I left it too late to order them - have been somewhat the bane of my life these last couple of weeks and that has been partly because I want them to be perfect, and accepting that they don't have to be and most likely won't be is really hard. But I'm not a painter. I'm not an artist in any way really and I think reminding myself that some of the things I'm making are going to look a bit rustic and wonky is fine, partly because they are homemade, handmade, made with a love of love and effort even if not too much skill and actually that's the thing that makes them lovely.

Yes, I could have paid a lot of money for someone else to do things for me - and this is no disrespect to those who do - but these are things I chose to give a go, spend my time and energy on and that means even though they are imperfect, they are pretty special, too. It might just be something I'm telling myself to feel better, but I guess that's what I have to do at the moment, because even if I wanted to throw the whole idea out of the window or choose to go back and find someone to make them "properly" there's not the time or the budget to do it now, so it's make do or do without...

Why Custom Rings Are A Total Racket,

Or at least I think so...

This isn't meant as any shade towards anyone with a custom ring, by the way.

There are some times when they make sense. A former partner of mine bought, or was gifted, I can't really remember the story, a large, partially finished amethyst when he was visiting India, and the plan was always to get it finished and set into a ring as an engagement ring, and that would have made a lot of sense to me. I also get when people get stones from heirloom rings either reshaped or refinished or just reset into something more modern or more to the taste of the intended wearer. What I don't quite get is saying, I couldn't find anything I like, so I got something custom... Oh kay... 

When my partner and I were looking at rings (he wasn't my fiancé at the point  because he hadn't asked and I hadn't said yes, because he wanted to do it properly and have the ring ready) there was so much choice it was a bit overwhelming, and even though you're thinking about the question of spending the rest of your lives together - or at least you hope that's the intention! - I personally think the question of budgets is an awkward one, but I'm not a big fan of talking about money generally.

I know some people can be really specific about engagement rings (whether their own or someone else's) and it has to be a diamond (traditionally it's the protect the woman's virginity (not sure that's such a big deal these days) and it should be x proportion of a wage (I think the tradition was something like a week or a months pay cheque or something) and a ring from Pandora is definitely not an engagement ring (genuinely read a story about that on Facebook and the comments made me die a little on the inside). There's other things like pre-owned rings are bad luck but heirloom rings are good... What's the difference? Well, a pre-owned one is one someone bought and used for a proposal where the answer was no, and an heirloom is one from a marriage. Clearly, it was all down to the ring...

I've had a costume ring I was in love with for years and I was specifically looking for something in the same style, but I would have loved whatever ring he picked, or we picked, I think, though maybe there are a couple of caveats to that. I'm not the biggest fan of pear or oval or marquise shaped stones not for any other reason than I'm just not, and I wasn't particularly enamoured with the idea of a solitaire ring or something pave (I can't find the accent on an Apple keyboard...) but there were still millions to choose from be it diamonds or other stones, different bands, different cuts or whatever. If literally nothing from jewellers would have done I know a few different vintage stores that carry gorgeous rings and I might have been able to find something I loved in the right size or something near enough I could have had it resized, but as it turned out, I found the perfect ring and said something like that one... and my partner said, okay, that one...

Now the only problem with "that one" was a wedding band wasn't going to fit under it, and it wasn't going to sit nicely next to it, so I was trying to look for something that would go around it. Why does this feel like we're going on a bear hunt?

Now, I thought it was highly logical to just go back to the same jewellers because surely if something is sold as an engagement ring they would stock a wedding ring to go with it, even if it's not sold in a wedding or bridal set? Well, apparently not. They suggested a ring with a bump in it, but the bump wasn't the right size or shape or angle or whatever to sit around my ring. They suggested a flat ring, but it didn't sit under my ring, or under the detail (it also wasn't anything like anything I wanted) and they suggested what I can only describe as either an incomplete or horse shoe ring. It didn't suit my engagement ring at all, and I'm kind of glad because again, it was nothing close to anything I wanted or liked, so the jeweller suggested their design service for a custom ring. We paid a fee, sent my ring off to be cast so that the new ring would fit with it perfectly and gave them a brief of what we wanted. All it had to be was a plain wedding band that looked like a wedding band, the same thickness as the band on my engagement ring, no diamonds, no inclusions, no nothing. It was something simple and understated and when they came back with a price that was well over a thousand pounds (from memory it was actually closer to fifteen hundred...) my jaw and my butt were in a race to the floor because honestly, I couldn't believe it. We went to collect my engagement ring from the store and I was feeling sad because I thought I wouldn't find something and I should have factored that in during the engagement ring search, but on the way I found something different, which still wasn't right, but it made them think hey, what about a wishbone shape? And it was perfect. And it was more elaborate. And it was less than half of what we were quoted for the custom ring. For the same shape. I was honestly livid.

My wedding ring is sat in a box with my future husband's future ring, and I can't wait to wear it, not just because it will mean we're married, and that the wedding is over, but also because I genuinely love it, and I think it looks stunning next to my engagement ring. I think back about the money we nearly spent on a ring to fit my engagement ring and it makes me feel sick. I don't know if it's just that the jewellers were pushing that service, or if they really hadn't thought of that ring or in a moment of temporary insanity had forgotten it existed, or if they thought we had the sort of money to drop that kind of cash on my wedding ring, but it upset me for a long while and for a few different reasons. In all of the wedding planning process, that was one of the genuinely really difficult bits, not because I'm being a bit soft, but because it genuinely felt so complicated, so expensive and so bloody stupid.

But we muddled through it and we found our way in the end, and I'm glad that we did. It took us a while to find the right wedding ring, but then it took us a long while to find each other, so maybe it fits. And at the risk of sounding very twee, I couldn't imagine any other ring being right just like I couldn't imagine any other person being right. You may now vomit into the nearest available waste paper basket. (Kidding).

Why I'm No Longer In Love With Vinted,

Right, this is not me saying I don't like Vinted or I'm going to stop using it or anything like that, but there are a few things I am getting sick of, and it's not just things which are problems with sellers or buyers or general users, though some of the things are.

First off, I recently bought a veil because the one I was going to use for my wedding got damaged, so I bought a new to me one on Vinted. One of the biggest reasons for doing that is that veils, or at least those in the price bracket I was happy to look at, tend to be made of unnatural materials and they're used once and then either packed away as an heirloom you don't know that someone is going to want or they're donated to charity shops (good choice!) or they're a little bit damaged and they're thrown in the bin. I do understand that most people are not going to choose to buy a damaged veil or people won't fix it before selling it if it was cheap to start with and I also realise that there might seem to be a bit of hypocrisy in criticising throwing away a broken veil since I was shopping to replace on BUT I was going to replace the comb on my original until it seemed like that would cost more than getting a new one and I couldn't find one I actually liked. Tangent over, I bought a cathedral length veil because I was having a bit of a fairy whimsical day. It arrived, I tried it on with my dress and decided it looked daft. Say what you will about bridal stores being expensive but at least you can try things on in store without committing to buying them before realising it looks ridiculous. To me, it seems pointless to take a load of new pictures of the thing when the condition is completely unchanged, and Vinted themselves say that if you receive something and change your mind on it, resell it. But you can't use the same pictures. Or pictures which are too similar, because it flags it. Doesn't flag a shocking amount of baby formula which you're not allowed to resell, but that is by the by. I get that not taking your own pictures is a risk because the condition CAN have changed, but there are also times it hasn't, and it means for things like a dress, which you try on, don't damage but isn't your size, you can't take your own photo of it being worn BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FIT!

Another thing which gets my goat is something I've seen a lot of people upset about. Items which arrive in a condition which is not what you were expecting have to either be resold or returned at the cost of the buyer. Erm, no? The seller has the choice to return it at their expense, but I would be curious to see the data on how many do actually cover the postage, because I doubt it's many. It's not even like this is covered by Vinted and the "buyer protection" even though that is exactly what such a charge should be for, surely? I'm sure some sellers do return things at their cost, when they genuinely didn't realise there was a stain or a hole or a part missing or whatever, but if you've taken photos to show something in "it's best light" and that really means you've edited out the bobbling, or hidden the fake tan on the collar or just omitted something entirely, you're not going to cop for the postage to return, are you? I realise that there will be debate over the condition of something - I've had a situation before where someone complained about the condition of an item where it was visible in the photos and they were trying to demand a return or they would leave negative feedback (it wasn't on Vinted, mind) - or what some people call "good" others would call "fair" or "satisfactory" or whatever, and at that stage Vinted really need to step in as the arbiter and take the evidence of the advert and any photos submitted etc and make a decision. Yes, there will always be someone feeling wronged, but it's surely fairer? I'm sure that's what eBay used to do or possibly still do?

The thing that irritates me the most though is, and I realise I could be alone in this one, but I doubt it, I hate when you're looking for something specific, and it's not the sort of thing you'll need to buy repeatedly, and then you find a deal you're happy with, you buy it, and then your feed is FULL of that item. I know it's how the algorithms work and such, but there is nothing more annoying than a parade of 'here's what you could have had' where you might see something better, cheaper, closer (for bigger items) but you've bought something now and it should be done with. It's not what Vinted was supposed to be made for because it just feeds consumerism and Vinted was supposed to be about reducing what goes into landfill and reusing thing which still have life. They're already crap about allowing you to sell recycled items which you've had made from something else so they could at least stick to the bits that they committed to do. If it's things like baby clothes, sure, show me other things in the same size, or in a month or so, the next size, but don't show me newborn stuff when I'm searching 3-6 months because I DON'T NEED IT! Don't show me bottle warmers when I just bought one because I HAVE ONE and YOU KNOW I DO!

There are other bits, like I can't stand AI photos, and allowing people to list Shein brands as anything but Shein, the stupid sizing changes (why do we have to have a number and a letter when the two very often don't match up!) for an inability to use brands actually sizing in the listing? Snags have a specific letter sizing for a reason and I'm sure that Vinted could reference their sizing chart or others like Ted Baker to make it easier for everyone! I know Snag have now made their own preloved market place and I can understand why when so many others have so many problems! I'm sure there are other things to, but without a viable alternative (and I don't love eBay either and I think Little Loop is elitist - sorry) people will continue to use it and if people continue to use it as is, most businesses will never see a reason to change. *sigh*

Can We Burn Stuff Yet?,

This is a genuine question that I have, not because I don't think that the issues around fires are important but because I think that they are.

This isn't just a thing where I'm saying, oh, I'm a leader, ahem, sorry volunteer in Scouting and I want to have a camp fire with my young people, but because I use fires as a way to get rid of garden waste in my own garden and not being able to do it at the moment in a controlled and safe manner with the appropriate extinguishing methods around is actually causing another issue meaning that when there hasn't been rain (and thankfully there has been the last couple of days) piles of garden waste are sitting around waiting to be disposed of and there's nothing I can do to get rid of them.

Now, I know some people will say things like get a skip or do a tip run, but we haven't got a trailer at the moment and even when we have the borrow of one there are limits on what sort of trailer and you can only take it to the tip once a month and it's got to be booked way in advance, but there are also limits on what can be taken. The house we bought is right near the river and gets a bit of Himalayan Balsam growing, which you can't take to the tip because it's invasive, so all we can really do is dry it, then burn it to try and get rid of it.

Now, I know that uncontrolled fires have been devastating and I'm not saying all of this should take priority over the protection of homes and firefighters and all of the other reasons that bans on disposable BBQs and such have been brought into place, but what I'm asking is, how do we know when things 'return to normal'? I'm guessing the UK warning system won't be used to state everything is fine and the danger has passed, and I don't think it should, but are we waiting for people to use common sense (God, I hope not!) or is there an announcement, a bulletin or something which will happen? Is it national? Is it regional? Are we on stop until Hallowe'en, or bonfire night? It's a genuine question I don't know the answer to...

And really, should disposable BBQs ever not be under a national ban? Well... Yes, and no. Personally I don't love them and I never have. They're sometimes used by Duke of Edinburgh groups and I find it really concerning, because whilst camping kit is expensive I think learning with inappropriate gear is worrying in general. People don't think about where they are setting them up, don't take them out of the cardboard and then the cardboard can act like a taper to the ground underneath and suddenly it's a whole mess that wasn't intended and likely wasn't anticipated by the person using them because they are by no means idiot proof. Small camping gas stoves are safer because of the difference in packaging and because generally they need to be cooler for less time before they can go back in a case and be safely carried away. They're also a bit less likely to just be dumped where they are used and they don't require the carrying of matches or lighters (generally). They're not stupidly expensive, either.

But, disposable BBQs do have their place. Now, I realise that above I'm making it seem like that's completely awful, but I was once involved in a festival at my university which was called Feastival and one of the main aims was for everyone to be able to eat together and when you have a university with a pretty damn good diversity record that can get a bit complicated. We needed Kosher cooking implements and that included the BBQ on which the food would be cooked as well as the food itself being kosher. Had one of the Jewish students who kept kosher been really into camping we likely would have had access to the right thing, but they didn't so the best option was a Kosher disposable BBQ which meant that no one had the extra errand of getting something kashered before the event or after it in case it had been contaminated by something, even if that was just for the peace of mind of all involved. We had a plan of how it would be used and monitored - within a short distance of the other BBQs and on an elevated surface away from flammable materials - with a bucket of water close by in case we needed to put it out quickly, and a plan for disposal afterwards - leave it for several hours until cool and then put it into the university bins - and we weren't in the middle of grassland or woodland. We were in the "centre" of London - not the city of London or anything - but we still weren't taking any chances!

And on that note, I'm going to watch the rain on my windows... 

Things That Changed When I Went To Mummy and Me Dancing,

The class isn't actually called Mummy and Me dancing, but that's what it gets referred to as in our house and it works.

At risk of going on a tangent, I'm going to go against the commandments of Tim Minchin about defining yourself by things you love and not just things you hate.

When my son was first born I didn't know what to do with myself or with him, but I knew that everything I had seen of baby sensory classes meant I wasn't really up for that, and you're not able to take tiny babies to swimming. Since I had a C section, I wouldn't have been able to go until that point anyway, and I wasn't confident of taking him on my own, or my own recovery for a long time, so we've still not gone.

I can't remember how I found the class I now go to, but I am honestly glad that I did.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm really uncoordinated and any sort of dance routine highlights that even more. I can fall over trying to walk in a straight line, so trying to dance definitely makes me worry I might fall on my butt, or make an idiot out of myself, but it has been some of the best fun I have had for a while, and the extra weight of having baby during the routines makes it great exercise, too. 

I started off wanting to lose a bit of weight to fit into a wedding dress, which hasn't really happened, but I have been able to get stronger, be better able to carry my son partly due to some great advice on carriers, and also made some other mum friends whose babies are around the same age as my son.

I have really enjoyed listening to some different music, learning dance routines or trying to as best as I can manage, and only sitting out the dances which are filmed for social media, because we're not posting little man online. I'm less worried about looking silly or falling over during line dances and I'm starting to get to grips with some of the routines. I'm still nowhere near a fitness enthusiast, and I can't do press ups or a proper plank, but I can follow the steps and I know what a grape vine is, at least in the context of that dance class! 

That being said, I'm still lost when we do something new, and I still have no idea what a step ball change is or whether that is how you write it down. I know I could Google it, but the truth is I'm not sure I mind not knowing. 

One thing I never imagined though was it being tough when other mum's go back to work. It's partly because it reminds me that it won't be long before I go back, too, but also because you spend weeks or months hearing about the struggles and milestones of other babies, and then oh so very quickly we get to the stage where their mum is going back to work and those little ones are going to nursery, a childminder or another relative to be looked after, and if these kids come across each other again it'll likely be when they are 16 and in college, and any bond that they had as babies will have been long forgotten. They play together, they learn together, they learn from each other, but then they are soon separated and it's such a shame. I know the same will happen when they go to nursery, but at least the majority of the time they will stay together until they are ready to go to Reception and go off to their different primary schools.

Since going to a class with other babies I've realised there is a value in baby sensory and other bits that aren't really up my street, but at the right time or in the right place, they can be pretty good. 

What Can You Have Left To Do?,

Baring in mind that we booked the wedding back in January, a few people have been asking me if everything is ready and everything is done and I would love to be the sort of super organised person that could say, yes, all that's left to do is pack, but sadly that is not the case.

First off, my future husband still needs a new shirt and a new pair of shoes to match his suit. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff, but this doesn't really feel too small! 

I'm still working on getting a few toys sorted for the playpen for little man, partly so he has somewhere to chill out and somewhere to stop himself from getting bored.

As if that was not enough I'm still working on a couple of little art projects for the wedding day and trying to find the time to do them is a little testing, but hopefully there is just enough time to get those done, and then it will be packing everything into the cars and getting everything from our house to the venue which feels like it might be a bit of a trauma.

It doesn't help that I keep feeling like I have hit a wall of exhaustion and still have a little boy to look after, and the little scamp is getting far more adventurous and mobile.

So as we head into the weekend and the number of weeks until the wedding ticks down by another one, I'm going to keep trying to find the time to get everything sorted and finished whilst also juggling little man and keeping him smiling!

So What Was It This Time,

For once, the reason I didn't get this posted on my own sort of schedule wasn't because of my son. Don't get me wrong, he's still a little tyke, skipping naps or having ten minutes and being "well rested" or not liking being put down for 30 seconds so I can pee or make food (I know neither of those two things are a 30 second job but his limit is 30 seconds before you know he's upset about not being the focus of attention, but he's a baby and that's what happens...)

Honestly the reason I've not posted is because I couldn't figure out what to write and it's not because my mind has gone blank, or because I've run out of things to say about the wedding or anything like that, but because I have always been mindful about what I do post and I try not to post any sort of drama which will act like a milk frother and just whip everything up worse and make my life even more hectic. Mainly because I don't have the time or the energy for the fall out. 

Recently, I've been upset by a few things that certain people have done and honestly it has taken far too much of my already limited time and vastly limited energy to either try and find a way to not care about it, or to deal with it. And let's be real, there are some situations which you can't deal with. There is no solution to them because the other people involved will never see things from your side. I'd love to say that that is fine, but honestly, it's frustrating and even more so when people complain about being in the middle, which is right where they have sat themselves. I realise this probably seems like vague shitposting and if I was reading it I would be wanting someone to do a Boston and throw all of the tea in the water, but I'm not going to do that, because it's a waste of time and because the idea of adding fuel to the fire when it's so close to my wedding is not actually an attractive prospect.

Inevitably, I don't know if people are intentionally starting drama right near the wedding to wind me up, to try and wind my future husband up, or just because they're too oblivious to realise it's a real dick move to put extra stress onto people that close to their wedding, but I'm honestly so done with it, and I've already been on a bit of a blocking binge for people who are just sapping my energy at the moment and I won't apologise for it. 

With the wedding getting closer one of the things on my list was to try and queue up a few blogs to give me time to finish the bits and pieces I need to and also for the time that our honeymoon should/may be, but honestly, I may need to sacrifice that one in order to stick to getting everything for the wedding done and everything for daily life done, too. Sorry and all that, but we'll just have to see what happens.