Mate, Fuming Wasn't Even the Word,

 I have a couple of little detours before I actually get to the start of this particular blog, but I think they're worth it. First, is it just me or did I suddenly get a bit more Northern? Has it happened slowly since I came back up here? I'm not sure, but occasionally I catch myself and think, yeah, this is a thing that happened whilst I wasn't looking. The second thing is that I have a terrible joke. I used it for the first time when I volunteering at the women's football Euros tournament and honestly, I think it takes too much explaining to actually be funny, but I still love it. One of the proper Northern things I've started doing is saying, mate, I'm fuming, A LOT. I don't get p*ssed off anymore, I'm just fuming. All the time. That's how I term it. Anyway, my daft joke is, if I were French I'd be smoking. Because the French word for smoking is Fumeur, so it makes me think of fuming. I did warn you it was terrible.

Anyway, writing that last blog post was feeling like a victory and I went to copy and paste it from 4thewords (there is no better accountability partner for writing in my eyes) and I pressed something stupid and it disappeared. I'm there clicking back, undo, and all sorts, and the damn thing is not coming back and I thought sh*t, really, again? 

Sidenote/ third random tangent, I've tried, for the most part, not to swear in this blog before because it's not like it's age-restricted or anything like that, but at the moment I'm focusing on just writing. I am still ****ing letters so it's not the full thing spelled out, but at the moment, the most important thing is getting on with the writing side because of how long I spent not writing and how much that has an impact on me. 

If you've been reading the blog for a while you'll know that loss of words is a thing that has happened to me before, during NaNoWriMo, outside of NaNo and honestly, it seems like I never learn, but I do learn, because the next time I lose something, it's in a different way. I learn a lot from it, but something else goes wrong the next time and there are the same results. Every time it happens it's frustrating because I'm not often a person who writes with a plan, so when it's gone, it's gone, and it's not like I can just look through my notes and recreate whatever was there. It would be particularly difficult because, as you can see from this blog, my mind wanders off at will, and sometimes the things which "trigger" a wander at one point won't do the same again, or if I think too hard about a word, it's like something is blocking it. I've been describing it recently as my brain handing my crossword clues, I'll be having a conversation with someone, half think of something and not be able to "get there" to the point of finding the word, and be saying things like 'it starts with a B', 'it sounds like Heffalump - it very rarely sounds like the thing I think it sounds like, but my brain has inextricably (and sometimes inexplicably) linked the two things together - 'that place I lived in London' (I lived in many places in London, and this doesn't narrow down was it a town, a street, a house, a flat...) Thankfully, I spend quite a bit of time with my mum, so when this particular brand of cerebral paralysis strikes, I say these clues to my mother and she reminds me of the word after not too much unpleasant mental gymnastics with me trying to fiddle my way through knotted neurons and navigate a new pathway to what I'm trying to say. Granted, even when she reminds me what it is, I'm relieved, but also vexed, because this little phenomenon is pretty new, and I don't like it.

I think it's because I've been struggling to write for a while or to find the words to express what I'm thinking, losing blog posts can feel less emotionally charged than losing a novel draft, but it also feels quite silencing, even if it's not that someone has intentionally done something to make it disappear. It's more vexing than devastating. I was annoyed and I wanted to throw something, though that might also be that I have some pent-up energy and frustration that I once channeled into running, the desire to run has eluded me for a while now. Though as writing has also been a struggle and I've been finding a few other things difficult, I wonder if it's just been a general mental struggle and I'm only just starting to process that, which is challenging because one of the reasons I write is for the benefit of my mental health and one of the reasons I run is exactly the same. Anyway, the blog survived, I'm surviving and in the background of it all I have actually started work on a new project which is humming away to itself and the cogs of the idea machine are whirring again, instead of just grinding and spluttering and refusing to pop anything out at all (which means that the ability to come up with anything of merit or anything interesting is literally nil.)

Before I know what is happening, the next few months of business will be over and it'll be NaNoWriMo kind of business, and I may or may not be looking again at breaking my own records, writing too many words in too short a space of time, sharing my love of writing with my Scout-y youngsters and also be driving down to London at least once, because I prefer my car to a train, and I much prefer being able to just get in and get going, as opposed to the bus, walk, train, change, walk, stairs, tube, change, walk, etc that the journey is every time I visit London without having my car with me. Hopefully, this year won't mean any lost words and may mean writing something else I actually want to commit to editing. It's been twelve years (well, it will have been by the end of November) since I wrote Fairies and I struggle getting my head around the fact that I haven't written anything else I liked that much since. Oh to be seventeen again and not overthink what the world may think of the thing which I am putting out for them all to see. 

This Is a Blog I Will Actually Post

I know it very much looks like I've not been writing recently, or not for the blog at least, but I have. The problem has been that between writing it and posting it, I've had the most wracking self-doubt, that it's either the sh*test thing imaginable, or that no one cares, but would read it anyway, and inflicting it on anyone is something equivalent to a crime against humanity. It's a wonderful little brain I have.

The other thing I was going to name this post was 'Reasons I'm No Longer Using Charity Shops'.

Okay, so this is not me dragging charity shops because I love them. A lot of my books are from charity shops, I've had clothes from charity shops and a lot of things I love have come from them. The concept is magical to me because it's essentially here is a thing that someone else no longer needed, that you want and love, or perhaps need for less than you would have had to pay for it in another shop, and it also helps financially support a charity. Honestly, there is nothing better than that as a concept!

In previous years - actually probably since I was very little - a lot of the times I was doing any sort of clear out, everything went to the charity shop, partly because it does make you feel good to make donations, partly because throwing stuff away that still had/ has use is a difficult thing for me to get my head around, and also, and this is a big one, the idea of being able to rock up to somewhere, empty your boot and then walk away within twenty minutes is magical. Yes, car boot sales are great, but I don't like getting up early, I don't like bartering with people and I absolutely hate asking for money for things, so I am rubbish at them.

Some of the reasons above are reasons I love Facebook marketplace, eBay and Vinted. The expectations are set out very clearly and if I have to say something that would be uncomfortable in person, the anonymity of the internet helps me to be able to handle it. Saying no to cheeky offers no longer involved trying not to say 'You cheeky b*tch,' after the no. You can say it, just don't type it. The problem with these sites - and it's not something of their creation - except maybe eBay and their hugely unnecessary list of required details - is that it can be cumbersome to get things listed and things can take a while to sell. If you're having a clear out because you want some spare cash, you have to suck it up, but if you're doing it because you want or need the space freeing up, a charity shop can still be a really attractive option. (Granted, we still seem to be in that post-pandemic era where charity shops are turning down donations due to being inundated, and that can be really frustrating when you've made a special trip to drive there.

Now, the cost of living crisis is forcing many to re-evaluate things they would take to the charity shop, and instead turn to these sites as a way of making extra money.

Okay, so these might not be the people that we've head about having to choose between 'heating and eating' and if charity shops are still in the predicament that they have more stock than they can take in it might not truly be a bad thing, but the funding streams of charities were hard hit by the pandemic, and the loss of things like summer running programs and other major events, as well as the loss of revenue from their charity shops as they were closed during lockdown. People tend to be creatures of habit, so if this new era - created by the inability to drop off donations and also the need to make a bit of extra money or a desire to swap unneeded things for something new instead of donating it - not only catches on, but persists, because people enjoy it, it works for them, and they have access to a whole lot more choice for things like swaps or buying from the same platform, charities are going to be hard hit again.

One of the reasons I've been selling things isn't just the idea that I want the space (I mean, I do want the space because my house is full of far too much stuff!) but also because I worry about things like having enough savings for if something happened to my dog or my car. There are times when I think, ooh, I've sold a few bits, that can go towards the [insert whatever camping gear is next on my list] because I want it for Scout camp and it's a bit pricey. It's not like I'm using the extra money for essentials, but even as a civil servant who is somewhat privileged, with decent job security (yes, even when certain politicians seem to be trying to change that) I still have to look at what impact taking something to the charity shop could have as opposed to listing and selling it independently.

After what has been a hard few years, predictions on the energy price cap, interest rates, and other situations are making everyone a bit more cautious, whether that's rightly or wrongly, and whilst I'm glad that there are tools there to help people to help themselves, and places like Vinted that can help us as a community or a country or however we want to term it address issues such as fast fashion and the vast mass of textile trash that we face each year, I worry about the potential impacts it could have and the people behind the profiles, and I wonder if we would think differently about the items we were purchasing if we knew the real reason that they had decided to take to the marketplace. Then again, it's also not really anyone else's business, is it?