A few weeks ago I started drafting a blog about the phrase 'eating for two'. In the end, I didn't post it because it felt a little bit too much like a word police kind of rant because as a phrase it kind of rubs me up the wrong way. The other thing is that I feel like anything and everything I write is somewhat garbled at the moment because I'm juggling this new normal of baby brain, unmedicated ADHD, apparent lack of sleep and the new one this week of struggling with some form of virus. Anyway, I am endeavouring to post this and hoping it makes some sort of sense.
It's something past midnight as I'm starting to write this and instead of being upstairs, tucked up in my bed trying to catch up on the sleep I have missed out on over the last week because of this virus, I'm sat downstairs at the kitchen table eating a sandwich and pondering a question which centres around 'Am I enough?'
I'm sure that it's something all mothers - maybe even all parents - contend with, but at the moment it's not the focus of, do we have enough nappies for when they first arrive (I think so), do we have enough clothes (nope, nothing like), have we got enough blankets for a winter baby (I'm still knitting one...) but a specific focus of am I eating enough?
For a lot of weeks I was plagued by aggressive morning sickness that's made me vomit, given me food aversions and made me cry more than once. I've had so much advice over all that time, and some has worked, and some hasn't. One of the midwives told me it was basically a license to eat beige food and the baby would still get everything that they needed, so not to worry, and that helped, others have suggested ginger biscuits and dry crackers, which even the thought of either makes me want to toss my cookies.
As it's been a long time since I've been eating properly (as in portion size) I'm now struggling a little to be able to eat a full plate full, so having to split meals down which is easy enough in the house, but not so easy when I'm out.
Today, despite having been out for a roast dinner, I was trying to figure out if I was hungry as I was getting ready for bed (it's not unusual for me not to be sure, apparently misunderstanding hunger signals can be an ADHD thing) and had to try and track what I had eaten on a calorie counting app to realise I was well short of what I should have eaten. Although I'm overweight (and was before the pregnancy) the midwives have told me a few times that I have lost some weight since I was referred to the maternity services and I shouldn't really do that (READ: REALLY SHOULDN'T DO THAT!) so I really need to try and make sure I'm eating what a 'standard adult' should as well as a bit extra since I'm already in my second trimester.
So there it is, another thing for me to worry over. Am I eating enough? Am I eating the right things? Is my little human getting everything that they need from me and am I getting everything I need to be ready for when they arrive? Who really knows? All I can do is try my best and hope that's enough, but I guess that's what all parents do, isn't it?
