When things get difficult, I find it hard to write. It's always been the case, it probably will always be the case, and sadly it's also the case that those are the times I could really use the emotional relief I get from writing things down. Over the last few weeks I've not had the time to give myself some space to write. I've needed as much sleep as I could get and the amount of sleep I have managed to get hasn't been enough and it's definitely putting pressure on me, as a mum, as a partner, but also as a person. The little guy comes first, of course, so I've been focusing on getting his nappies washed, his bottles sterilised, and every other thing I need to do to look after him, and honestly, it's getting harder and harder.
You might think, given that it's been a good number of weeks since he arrived, surely you should be getting better at it by now? Well, you'd think so, wouldn't you?!
When we first brought him home, he was a little dream. He'd take a bottle easily, he'd keep it all down, he would sleep and nap and I'm not going to say it was easy, because it wasn't, but things seemed pretty simple, other than the slight issue of constipation which meant that we needed to attend the hospital with him over the Christmas period. Since then, he's developed reflux and is a bit colicky as well, so we've dealing with him spitting up, which means more cleaning up, more attempts at feeds, and also a lot more cuddles. Cuddles sound lovely, but it's not so much when the baby is uncomfortable and cries even when being held.
Midwives and health visitors have been focused on whether I'm depressed, which I don't think I am, and whether I'm at risk of harming myself, which I'm not, but what I am is burnt out, and I've been on the edge of burnout for a few days. It's the lack of sleep, feeling "touched out" and just needing to put the baby down and not being able to, and the inability to do anything for self-care, because when do I have the time? Very often the suggestions are to lean on your partner, but what happens when it's happening to both of you, or when they work long hours? What can you really do when there are so many demands on both of your time?
I know this is why people say that it takes a village, but that's not very simple either. (I'd love to make a joke that we live in a village, it doesn't help, but I'm too tired. Although I guess I did it anyway...)
