I was going to set this to post today at lunch, like I do for a lot of these now, but I'm kind of glad that I held off, because it all got a lot more complicated than I had originally thought that it would be when I found a clogged duct yesterday and then woke up with pain and leaking this morning which changed the process of getting to the end of pumping after I thought I was already there. It's frustrating, but that's life, I guess.
So I decided to stop pumping recently and you would think, hey, it just gives you one less thing to do in a day... It doesn't just give me one less thing to do, it gives me plenty less things to do. Instead of having to think about how I'm going to plan my day around pumping, trying for every two to three hours because that's the optimum, that's what you are advised to do, planning how much time I needed for pump time and all of the other bits I felt I needed to do because I was trying to build up my supply from being a chronic under supplier, even if I could only get to being a 'just enougher', that was what I was aiming for, and if I could have gone a bit over that and started freezing milk for when my little boy goes to nursery in a scarily short length of time, amazing, but that felt like a dream. Stopping pumping meant that I could take a step back from all of that and just be present with my son. Not to mention I could go back to sitting in the front of the car when I wasn't driving, because one of the easiest times to plan to pump was when we were in the car for anything longer than fifteen minutes, and although I bought myself a nursing cover, they kind of suck, so it was easier to sit in the back letting it all hang out because we have privacy glass on the back windows.
It's not just about being able to be present with my son though, or the ability to not have to plan the way I was trying to, but being able to drop washing storage bottles and sterilising storage bottles, and all of the pump parts as well, of course. It's the not having to try and organise when I need to replace pump parts, or think about charging the wearables when I can't use my 'big' pump. It's not having to think about, plan out and share the system of organising the storage bottles so that we know when things were pumped, that they've been stored correctly (least amount of time at ambient temperature as possible, but definitely less than six hours, and then less than six days in the fridge) and they're used in the right amount of time. Honestly, sometimes the storage of milk took over half a shelf in my fridge and that's not even because I was pumping at high volumes, because I wasn't, we just had more small storage bottles than big ones, so anything over five ounces needed a second bottle. I know a lot of people use bags and then it's easier and more natural to write onto them - you can write the date, the time, anything you need to know like the days I needed the strong pain killers because of the surgery or the back pain I was feeling, I could add that onto the bags, but to me, bags are a real faff.
Tangent, but I think that unless you are freezing your milk, bags just make like a little bit difficult, because they don't stand up well, especially not when you are pumping smaller quantities like I was in recent times, but they also tend to get milk in the seal at the top which is just annoying, and trying to organise them in the fridge is just a ball ache. That's just me though. Since we were using everything out of the fridge we found using chalk pens on the top of the lids of the bottles and then washing the date off each time we were washing the bottles worked pretty okay, except that I tended to only take one storage bottle upstairs for overnight pumps - and yes, we did get a mini fridge for upstairs to keep pumped milk and little man's overnight bottles in, don't hate the idea until you've tried it - they often had two dates on, which meant we were really only getting about five days of storage out of them in the fridge... but back to my main point...
Stopping pumping also changed things in terms of my wardrobe. Before I stopped pumping I as back in the size of jeans I was wearing before my pregnancy, and that might seem obvious because I think I have mentioned before that I didn't gain weight during the pregnancy because of the sickness and vomiting, but the shape of my body did change and I've had to accept that whilst I'm back in my old jeans, they do fit a little more snugly than they did before. Being back in my old size meant I was able to think about getting back into other things I hadn't been able to wear for a while though, like my Oddballs boxers, which pre-pregnancy, and even for a while into my pregnancy, were the most comfortable thing I could wear. They didn't go too well under the bump, had no chance of going around the bump and then when there was no bump anymore, they didn't go well with my C section scar because unfortunately their waistband sits right where my C section scar is.
Now, that's not a pop at Oddballs, because the scar sits where it is as a matter of design by surgeons who perform C sections. The "modern" C section is done in a way that hides the scar in a place where you're less likely to see it, and it sort of "fades into" the fold(s) under your tummy, you know, the little sort of pooch most people get following pregnancy, but that means that most underwear is going to be really uncomfortable for the first few weeks and for some of us, getting out of the granny pants that are about the only thing that don't irritate it can be difficult, because there's always that fear of causing more pain and irritation in a place that has been experiencing a lot of pain and irritation. I don't know what the advised timeline is for when you can start wearing your waistband over your scar again, but I do think it's really different for everyone and some people will probably take a little skin discomfort to feel like themselves again, and others would rather have big bloomer style pants for longer rather than risk irritating the scar again.
When I stopped pumping I was able to think as well about being able to wear a normal bra again, instead of a nursing bra or a pumping bra, and don't make any mistake, they are two very different things. So I was able to go back to wearing normal bras, or potentially my Oddballs bralettes, and I was also able to go back to wearing normal T shirts and normal jumpers. Prior to giving up, pumping meant that I had to wear something that was either a nursing top, or a spaghetti strap which wasn't great when it was in the middle of the winter, or a big baggy jumper so that I knew that I'd be able to get it out of the way and either get the pump parts underneath it. When I say, get it out of the way, it was more often just take it off entirely, so stopping pumping meant I didn't have to think about stripping off in my house, in my car or anything else. I didn't have to think about whether we had parcels arriving, because some of the parcel delivery guys walk through our garden to deliver the parcels, right past the window of the room I sit in with the curtains open and everything hanging out. It was less limiting in terms of being able to have people over. I no longer have to think about stressing out over not pumping, feeling uncomfortable wearing my wearables with people over, or having to secret myself away in another room and hope no one comes to find me, so that I can get the pumping that I need to do done and stop my breasts from feeling swollen, full and uncomfortable. It's even more important for being out of the house, because I don't have to think about how long social engagements are, having to go sit in the car in the cold half way through - I have set the alarm off on the car multiple times by being sat in it with the engine off and the doors locked so no one well meaning comes and opens the door whilst I'm pumping or attaching or detaching pump parts. I don't have to think about storing milk that I've pumped on the way, in the car or anything like that, though we did manage a successful trip up to Murrayfield with me pumping on the way, in the car park and in a few other places, but we took a camping fridge and had it plugged into a battery pack, to make sure it wasn't just dumped, because undersupplies have a right to be more precious about our milk than oversuppliers. I realise this is something that gets contentious, but it's true. Even if you as an oversupplier are really generous and donate your milk to NICUs or other mamas, it's not the same. I realise that I'm only coming at that from a perspective of an undersupplier, but that means I have had the experience of the mum guilt of not having enough or being enough for your child and it being something you have no choice in.
Not having to think about pumps and breast milk and all that sort of thing just means I can focus more on my child and him meeting people in my life and my partner's life, them enjoying meeting him and all the little things he's started doing like smiling, and learning to laugh and grabbing for things. Okay, I still need to plan out feeding things, like having his bottles and the Rapid Cool clean, or how many bottles he will or might need when we are out of the house, or when his naps should be and how I can get him down for a nap outside of our home and his usual routine, stopping pumping gives me less to think about and far less logistics to manage.
I have been quite specific about the language I've used when talking about stopping pumping, partly because I have to keep reminding myself that I am neither giving up not quitting pumping, I'm just stopping. Quitting and giving up make it feel like a very negative thing, and I'm trying to focus on everything that is positive about it. This was not an easy decision to come to. It was a really difficult decision that I had to make, and to some degree that I wanted to make. I knew that it was coming for a while before having to make the decision, and I wanted it to be something that I wanted to make the decision on instead of it being something that just happened to be me, because so many things during the birth and early days with my son felt like they just happened to me rather than being my decision. It has been a really upsetting decision to make, because it has made me feel inadequate but I'd also been feeling inadequate from pumping for a long period of time because I've just simply not been able to produce enough milk for my son. Part of that is because of my ADHD and the limitations of that, with overstimulation, time blindness and other issues. The ADHD was the reason we were pumping entirely in the first place, too. In the end，it was something where breastfeeding just felt too difficult and too over stimulating, especially when people say it's natural and that means that there can be an expectation that you get it and your baby gets it from minute one and it's easy. It is far from easy. Sometimes, when the ADHD symptoms weren't too bad, I could do it, or if my son was sniffly and ill, and I knew my body needed to get the message that he wasn't well to produce milk that would help him feel better, I would fight through the issues I had with it to do what my son needed me to, to do what was better for his immune system, but as a daily thing, I couldn't do it. It felt like another demand I was having to manage and that I felt incapable of managing.
Pumping allowed me to make sure my son got as much support for his immune system as I could give him, whilst also meaning my partner could give him a bottle if I couldn't do it, or someone else could if we just needed to get some sleep. Whilst we didn't manage to get to the point I wanted to get to - somewhere between the 6 months weaning stage and the 2 years that the WHO advise - we made it three months, which is more than either my partner or I had when we were young (and we turned out fine, apparently!) and more than some friends we know, but not as long as others. We made it past two rounds of vaccinations and through the first few snotty noses. We made it as long as I was capable of doing it, and stopped when doing it was causing more harm to me than not doing it would cause to my son, and one of the biggest things I've realised is that I didn't know before we started how much it would take over my life, and I didn't acknowledge how much it had taken over my life until we made the decision to stop.
No comments:
Post a Comment