Hello Sunday,

I'm well aware of the fact that I had said I was going to take this year as it comes and three days in I am still committed to doing that, but I'm also committing myself to a couple of other things. Thankfully it's too late for me to commit to dry January, but I've realised recently that the amount I drink is not really a problem; I just need to remember train times when I'm out and that, when I don't drink for a while,  have a very low tolerance for alcohol, but that's not too much of a big deal. I'm not the sort of person who has to drink to have fun or to relax, I am by no means a person who comes home and opens a bottle of whatever before they unwind for the evening, I just really really like cocktails, and I figure that in the grand scheme of things, it's not such a bad thing.

The big one I'm committing to is I'm going to be submitting chapters to a publisher this year. I have already started them, I know where I'm going with them and I'm just trying to plod along and get it done. It's kind of terrifying because I don't have any clue as to whether or not they will be accepted, and I don't know how I will take it if they're not, but I don't try I'm never going to know. I don't want to spend the next few years thinking about how things could be if I actually did it, so I'm going to try and just do it. It's a terrifying thought, though. 

The second biggest one is I'm committing myself to one blog a week, every week, until the start of 2017. I'm going to aim for doing on a Sunday, and I'm not putting a word limit on it, but I know from experience that the act of sitting down and focusing my mind on writing something is a good thing. It is what National Novel Writing Month teaches me every year, and yet every year I seem to be able to kid myself into thinking that there's a Writing Fairy who hibernates for 11 months and then pops out in November, screams da-dah! and suddenly a novel pops out of my ridiculous little hands as if by magic. It's not magic; it's hard work. Come on. 

The last thing is I am going to spend time reading this year and thank the gods it is because I want to be reading and not because I have essays and exams to write, and that's a beautiful feeling. It's so easily possible to get addicted to reading when it is a good book or story or poem or anything really. If van Houten wrote a shopping list, I would probably be inclined to read that to. The fact is I have a love for so many authors and I read very, very little in 2015. I watched all of the films, but books didn't go so well. Especially not finishing books. My God, I started 1984 again, but then stopped past halfway through to pick up To Kill a Mockingbird so that I could finish that before reading Go Set a Watchman, and then didn't finish that because it's no To Kill a Mockingbird. I also started countless philosophy books for exams and thought, oh, this is very interesting I shall have to read more when I graduate. Well, Charlie, your diploma is in the drawer and those books are still gathering dust. 

Anyway, I'm probably just spouting the same New Year idealisms as most people right now, because apparently the changing of one calendar to a new one, a night of fireworks and the changing of the last number in the date make us feel like we ought to be wildly different than we were just a day or a week earlier. For some, New Year holds a lot of meaning. I know of a person who seems to wait until New Year when we fall out to try and fix things because New Year was important to us 9 years ago, but for me, it is not special, it is not magical, and it's only real significance is that it marks a passing of a lot of times since everyone last got hysterically reflective over their lives. I can't hide away from these reflections and I can't stop myself looking at the good and bad things that have happened between one loud, drunken celebration and the next (even though I have only celebrated one New Year in such a way and the rest of them I have been in my pyjamas). What I do think though is that New Years Eve makes an excellent bookmark. People ask me when I became a vegetarian - when did I make this Massive decision which really impacts my life and I do my best impression of a goldfish, attempt to remember how old I am and subtract 13. If I ever get the opportunity to be asked he question, when did you decide that you were serious about a career in writing, I want to know that answer almost to the minute. This is not a whimsical decision. This has been a part of my life for a long time, but now it's more than that. 

Also, if you want to see one of my favourite photos from graduation, check out my Twitter profile. @charlieswrite

What do you do with a BA in English,

Or rather Philosophy, if you're not the leading character of Avenue Q. 

I'd apologise for the silence, but I would feel like some sort of reason must be given as to what I have been doing instead of blogging, but quite frankly there has been nothing much really. Or things which have been happening have been personal and I haven't really wanted to share. The problem has been that I have struggled to know quite which way is up due to a lot of different factors, and I haven't really been dealing with myself very well, which has made me strip everything back and not quite start again, but rethink a lot of things. 

Recently I found out that I do now in fact have a degree, and not before time, too. I have finally become a graduate, though my time to walk across the stage in cap and gown is a delight that December will bring, and I can't wait for it. As much as the last four years have presented me with many traumas, I feel glad for the fact that I have finally made it through and the whole thing can have a new level of worth to me. 

Even more recently I ended an argument I had been having with myself and decided that the anxiety I get from the idea of getting behind the wheel of a car doesn't constitute a good reason not to do it, so this morning, more than four years on from my last proper driving lesson, I was driving around London, and somehow managing to not crash the car. Whilst I freely admit I am still anxious about driving and the idea of parallel (why is that word so difficult to spell!?!) parking is still something that sounds monstrous and makes me feel sick, the idea of driving in general is not something which I think of as utterly horrifying and completely beyond me. Which is quite nice, because I used to really enjoy driving..

I know it's not over yet, but this year has been a difficult one. There have been times where I have wondered whether I would finish my degree, whether I would ever live in a place where I would be comfortable and settled, whether I would be able to stay in London after my degree, and even times where I have questioned whether I would be best off just giving up on my dream of writing altogether and submitting myself to something much more manageable, but then I look at the bookcase of notebooks in the corner of my bedroom and wonder if all those ideas and characters and things can really fit back inside my head, let alone in a small box to gather memory dust and become faded. Could I really ever take myself away from something which redefined solitude to a place which was not lonely, but full of whatever I wanted? Would it really be possible for me to put down the notebooks that I have carried with me for so long and pretend that they never mattered? Because that's what giving up on this dream equates to. 

Imaginations don't have an on/off switch. Were there a way to turn them off, I'm not sure that I would turn off mine. It's true that sometimes my mind goes off on such tangents that I wonder how to get it back and all important thoughts seem to believe that they are relieved of duty and disappear into the night, but it's worth being a bit of a dingbat in order to be able to create something... 

I guess, more than anything, I've felt in a bit of a crisis as to what to do next. The last thing I want is to remain stationary and I flatly refuse to do it. It's time for me to figure out what comes next and just jump for it, but there are so many roads to choose. 

Hello Out There,

It feels like forever since I last did this, but it's actually been less than a month and I'm pretty thankful for that. 

It's been a hell of a month with a few different things going on and in all honesty, it has been making it difficult to be able to just get through my university stuff, without thinking about anything else, but I have realised something and I hope I never forget this again. ~ No matter what is happening in my life, I can't let go of the things which are important to me, because it makes me lose my grip on reality a little bit. 

What I mean in particular is things like politics, novelling, live music events and all the things I enjoyed pre-uni. And all the people I enjoyed spending time with pre-uni. 

I am glad it is nearly over, because I want to have a life that isn't all about imposed deadlines and reading things I don't want to read and I'm not interested in. If you've been reading this blog for a while (first off, thank you and second) I can be quite a passionate person about the things that matter to me. Unfortunately I no longer feel that way about my degree. I have found that I feel that way about my job though, or some aspects of it, which is why I'm looking at staying within the same industry. 

I think it's at least in part because of the fact that it gives me time, as well as experiences with such a wide range of people and that never really hurt. I have time to figure out what I want to do, time to spend doing the things I love, time to spend with the people I love and time to live in a city that still has the power to make me fall in love with it over and over again despite me having lived here for getting close to four years. 

I want things to change after I have finished university and although I know that I will still take a while to get Yours, to the point where it can be published onto the Kindle and Kindle apps, I'm going to make a commitment to blogging every day in June, just to get myself back into the swing of sitting, thinking and writing at least once every day.

Anyway, 6 days until the exam, so I'd better get back to it...