NYE,

New Year is not my favourite time of year. This year I had plans, but they got cancelled what felt like pretty last minute, so instead I'll be at home making sure that the fireworks don't drive my dog crazy, but the truth is it's making me feel more than a little bit crappy. 

People like to think of New Year as a new beginning and the chance for a whole new you. For one thing, I hate the pressure of that and for another, tomorrow is just the next consecutive day in my life, where I will be writing the same novel, doing the same job, reading the same book, and, oh, the big difference is I'm diving into Veganuary again, because I am nothing if not a glutton for punishment. I've been going a bit more vegan anyway, but I still don't imagine this will be the moment, or month when it becomes a permanent feature, purely for the fact that I know how difficult I find it. 

Thinking ahead to 2019 though, there is something I'm really excited about and that's my first half marathon. I'm doing it for Macmillan Cancer Support (if you would like to support me in this, thanks, and please head to my Twitter page where there's a link to the Just Giving page) and I'm trying to decide whether to book in a few more runs as well. 

This year has been incredible for several reasons, including finally being trained as a First Aider and Mental Health First Aider, getting to do some amazing things at work that I would have doubted myself for only a few years ago, meeting someone who made me believe in love and romance again (don't judge me because of my age, stuff happened and it broke my spirit) and even though that didn't work out, I have some amazing memories. I went to San Francisco, and I'm not sure that I stopped grinning about it the whole time I was there - except the bit where I stacked it down the Powell BART station stairs; that really hurt. I met some incredible people this year, read some really incredible books and spent some amazing time with my canine counterpart. 

That being said, I also had a really crappy year with my mental health. Some of this year has been really difficult, and there were plenty of times where I wasn't sure it was ever going to get better, but it did and I'm still here. See you all next year. 

C

God, I Want to Throw a Strop Right Now,

As most of you know, I don't really play the whole 'New Year, New Me' game, but something I did promise myself was that when I moved into the new flat certain things were going to be different. 

Now, some things are different. I've managed to cut my morning commute dramatically. What used to take an hour and a half - depending on trains, so sometimes more than that - now takes me twenty minutes. I have more space and the kitchen is my own, so it is always how I left it (not always a great thing, but such is the joy of living alone) so I cook more. I also gave having a pet a whirl, although that didn't go so well since I'm not here all the time so Dave is going to be rehomed. 

The problem is, those were not the things I promised myself would be different. 

I made a promise to myself that I would make a really big effort to keeping the place tidy; I would be lying if I said I had stuck to that. I haven't put enough effort into that. It looks a damn site better than when I first moved in since there was stuff everywhere and not much furniture for a long time, but it's still not quite there. Actually, probably not by a long stretch thinking about how I would like it to be, though I know that that is on me. 

I promised myself that this would be the weekend where I got a lot more sorted, and the truth is that that didn't really happen either, but...

Whereas most people get to February and their NY resolutions go straight out of the window as though they never really existed, I'm at the stage where I am reminding myself that Rome was not built in a day, so I shouldn't expect to cajole all of my chaos into order in the same space of time. If I'm making progress slowly, well that is still progress.

The same goes for the novel. Despite my somewhat foolish addiction to NaNoWriMo, I don't need to try and write everything I ever write at the same pace. I'd burn out within a couple of weeks for one thing, and for another, I would have even less of a social life.

I am accepting my weaknesses and limitations. I am setting it as a long-term goal to have the flat exactly as I want it. I am fine with the fact that this thing I am working on is going to take closer to a year than a month to write. Whilst I will not let go of and forget the novel I was writing for NaNo, I have accepted that now is not the time to re-write it and there is no more time at all to dwell on it. And so, onwards.

Though even when trying to accept all of that, I want to throw my toys out of the pram because one of my biggest weaknesses is impatience. 

Catch you later.