There's No Such Thing As A Perfect Environment,

Arguably I've been making NaNoWriMo sound like an insurmountable task over the last few blogs and the last thing I want to do is put off anyone thinking about trying it. I think it's worth remembering that it can be challenging for everyone, and seeing people through the challenging bits is really important, because we can feel a bit isolated in those moments and for some of us, me included, a bit of pre-planning can help to avoid the whirling pit of despair that can open up because of that. It's also been one of my primary functions for the last I can't quite remember how many years, and I feel like I might be a bit stuck in that mode.

You can make it a lot easier for yourself with a bit of forward planning and I think I've mentioned that before, or for some people the actual life side might be a bit easier. Forward planning isn't everyone's forte and it's certainly not mine in most respects, but with a supreme amount of effort and the outside motivation of "CRAP, NANO IS COMING! LOOK READY!" I can do bits and pieces that do make for an easier time.

If you live with someone else who is pretty much willing to look after you like you're a very small child, that is going to help sp much. I realise that living with parents is very often not an uncomplicated situation and not everyone's parents believe in doing everything for them, but living "at home" can help and being in a relationship when your partner is happy to take up some of the slack can help. I've also had some pretty nice housemates that were willing to do bits and pieces. Beyond that, if you live somewhere that you can get a laundry service, you're in a position to pay for meals to be prepared for you, where you don't have anyone else (including pets) to care for, you're in a good place, but most of us can't afford those sorts of services, so what do you do to prepare? 

Well first off, accept the inevitability of the fact that preparation is more like the momentum which starts the month, rather than something which will sustain you throughout. What I mean by that is, don't expect that you can have a months worth of perfectly laundered clothes, pre-made meals, bought in snacks, cleaning done and everything else your little heart desires to make it easier. Be realistic. Even if you do own enough pairs of underpants to make it from one end of the month to the other without doing a load of laundry, there's a phrase about ... 'stuff' happens, and also when you get to the end of the month you don't want to be going commando whilst waiting for the washer to finish on a load that is solely your undercrackers and they don't dry instantly. (Also, the rice pudding advert says you can microwave your socks dry, not your smalls, so just don't even think of it). You would hope that the gross things I've heard about how to make a pair of boxers last four days were out of my Scouts or the younger version, but sadly not. Let me tell you, the only way that doing something like that will help you with NaNoWriMo is going to be people talking will distract you less, because they will take a wide berth from you due to the smell. Whilst I am joking about all of this (and I am joking, believe me) the serious point is, yes, of course make sure you do all that you can to make the early few days or weeks of NaNo simpler, but also accept the fact that the majority of us are going to have domestic tasks to attend to again at some point within the month and that is not only okay, but it's actually really healthy. Taking a break from staring at the screen is right for your eyes, but it's also good for your brain.

On the theme of being realistic, it's all well and good deciding to make yourself fifty tubs of vegetable soup and freezing them, if you have the space to, before NaNoWriMo if you will actually then defrost and eat them, but if not your wasting time, money and energy into something that's not actually helping you at all. You'll be much better off thinking about really quick and easy meals that you can throw together - remembering to add at least a couple of fruit and vegetables so you don't end the month aiming to get scurvy - because it'll work out cheaper and it's easier to convince yourself to eat than something you made that you've already decided you wish you hadn't bothered with. There is a reason I'm not offering specifics here. I'm fussy about food because of textural issues - no mother, I'm not just a picky eater!! - so I eat WEIRD things, and what I eat might not be someone else's 'safe' foods, and given we are a global organisation, the things I recommend might not even be available where you are.

The most important thing, and I think this about life in general and not just about NaNoWriMo, is, think about what balls you can drop. Very often life can feel like a game of beach volleyball but in reverse, so instead of lots of people trying to keep the ball off the floor there's one person and a lot of balls. You might share a ball with other people - my mum, my dad and I all share the ball that is responsibility for Teddy (the dog) so it's not all on one of us - but other's will belong solely to you. It's worth thinking about which ones of these you can share with friends and family, of course, but it's also worth thinking about which ones matter if they hit the floor and which ones don't. The laundry, for example. Personally, I have a massive laundry hamper and more clothes than I can wear in a six week period, so if I don't do laundry, it's not going to be too big of a problem (until I have a meltdown and want a particular set of pjs and they're not washed, but that's another issue). Feeding yourself is not a ball that can be dropped. School work and similar, or work work isn't usually a ball that can be dropped, though some of us do take annual leave during NaNo because it makes things easier, we have the leave and we can. That's all fine. Limiting the responsibilities you have elsewhere is definitely valid. 

BUT...

You have to think what that costs you. I don't just mean financially though that certainly comes into it, but instead, what are the consequences of dropping that ball? For me, laundry wise, it's simple things like, what I want might not be available. It's not great, but the world isn't ending. I will then have ten plus loads to do of laundry when NaNoWriMo is over? Problem? No, but I despise laundry sitting around the house drying. Okay, so is there a different solution? Yes, my mum might be able to do some of my laundry for me when she's on her slower weeks at work. It comes back dry and folded and she even irons things for me (I don't iron) HOWEVER I need to drive it over there, and then drive back and the same in reverse to get it back. There is always going to be some degree of conversation there, which takes time I could be writing and there is also SO MUCH TRAFFIC around here at the moment that the drive is not as simple as usual and it's not overly quick. I've also been told that you can't write at the same time as driving, partly because a lot of speech to text apps suck, so I'm going to have to sacrifice writing time to be able to utilise that option. Same for if my mum offers to make me dinner. It's whether the time away from the computer screen is worth it for the benefit it gives.

I think we'd all like to live in a magical world where there are mice to do all of the housework and a chef prepares what we would like to eat just at the time we need to eat it, and our tea or coffee cups never get cold and never run out, but in the absence of a perfect world, we're just going to have to do our best, aren't we? 

Before I Sound Too Much Like a Self-Help Guide,

I read a thing on Twitter - and that sentence never really ends well these days, does it? - about a Muller corner and honestly, I didn't really understand it, and wasn't quite intrigued enough to look it up, but it did get me thinking about adverts that are winding me up recently. 

One of them is a kid's toy that I'm getting annoyed about the way that it's being advertised, but it's a hundred percent not my issue, so I'm not even going to get into it, but the other is for Mayonnaise. I can't remember which of the big H brands it is that's made this advert but it is winding me up to a point that I want to throw things at the telly when it comes on.

There's a song that goes with it and there are images of an empty fridge and it's all about how someone turned nothing into something with the addition of mayonnaise and honestly, with the state of the world being what it is at the moment, the number of people having to use food banks and everything like that, and the soaring cost of food prices generally that most people are looking at ways to save money (and one of the quick and easy ways to do that is swap from condiments that cost upwards of three pounds per jar to the store brand ones you can get for around sixty five pence) that it genuinely pains me to see this particular brand talking about making meals out of nothing with mayonnaise. There are people who genuinely have NOTHING in the fridge and are wondering where their next meal is coming from and sadly the number of those people seems to be ever increasing, and you want to make a silly song about how you made something with mayonnaise? I realise, because I am one of those people, that do look in the fridge and think, urgh, I've got nothing in, because there is nothing quick and there is nothing easy and there is nothing I want but we've got far from nothing. The images of the empty fridge which then magic up food because there's a jar of mayo in the door is just too stark of an image for me and I can't get past my hate of it.

And there are other things they could have done with the same concept. Given that it could be quite catchy - the ear worm of the song unfortunately haunts me when I accidentally think of it, like the Triple Dent gum (or whatever it is called) from Inside Out - they could make an advert that's like, add mayo to make it a meal, or make a song out of leftover recipes like how to make chicken mayo pasta, or something else, without this image of the empty fridge which then produces some good looking dinners. I realise I'm likely being over sensitive about it, but HOLY HELL IT WINDS ME UP!! 

This interruption to your regularly scheduled Preptober blog was brought to you by fury and derision. Normal service will resume tomorrow. Hopefully.

NaNoWri - No,

 A few of these Preptober blogs have been about struggling with NaNoWriMo and I think the reason I've been focusing on that is because I've been really struggling this year with so much that it was definitely a possibility at one stage, and to some extent still is, that I take this year off of NaNo or that I take it considerably easier than I have in previous years. 

There has only been one year in the past fifteen that I took the year off of NaNoWriMo and it wasn't a happy time for me. Honestly, I felt a little bit lost after it, but it was because I needed to get on with my dissertation. I knew I needed to take some time out of things which I let rule my life to focus on what I really needed to do. Sadly, not long after NaNoWriMo my Nana then passed away, so it was good that I had spent the time during November actually working on my dissertation, because I was in no fit state to do it later and I would have had to, because I needed to get a draft in. And much like with anything else, you need a draft to work from before you can really get anywhere, especially as it was something I really needed feedback on.

This year my mental health has been particularly bad, I got my ADHD diagnosis and have been all over the place with that - it started good and then it went bad and then I bounced back up again and now I'm not great - and there have been a few other significant events that have kind of rocked the boat. 

Whether you are a veteran of NaNoWriMo or just starting out, or anywhere in between really, noping out for a year does not make you any less of a writer, and you can still be a part of the community even if you have to say this is not the year, and this is not the one. You don't owe anyone a reason for doing that, and it's completely fine to keep your profile on private, not discuss your word count or skip out on the TGIO party because those things just aren't working for you. Existing in the community without participating in NaNoWriMo is definitely a valid position.

That being said, and going back to my earlier point, I was gutted I didn't even try to get involved that year. I've spoken before about my inability to treat Camp in the same way as NaNo, so I felt a little adrift, partly because of how long I have been doing this, but also partly because I knew it was another 12 months before I could get involved in this thing I have loved. I didn't want to put NaNoWriMo down, but I had to, because my ability to regulate my focus sucks. (This is one of the reasons I could have done with knowing about the ADHD before - I might have been able to look at how to do things differently!) 

The first year I did NaNoWriMo I didn't win, but I did write twenty two thousand words. I wasn't immediately happy with it, but I've got to the point where I am. It's worth pointing out that trying is better than nothing, because trying is doing, and it's doing the best that you can. If your best comes out at 22k, cool, if you're best is 50k, cool, if you're best is just turning up to write ins and finding some new writing buds, all cool. 

I've seen people attempt NaNoWriMo through all sorts, whether it be late pregnancy, the new born stage, new jobs, new relationships, new homes, being away camping and not being a person that writes with pens, new diagnoses, all sorts. The only thing that decides that something is the kiss of death for your ability to have a go is you, though it is worth thinking not only about how you will feel if you don't, but also how you will feel if you do and it doesn't go to plan. That kind of devastation on top of other things can be really hard to process, especially when we're feeling any form of insecure, which a lot of the above can make us feel even if we're not acknowledging that it is making us feel that way.

It's okay to not be sure, it's okay to take some time out and it's also okay to plan to "fail" against the official target, because the most important part is you. Give yourself the time and space to think about what is best for you and then just be you, no matter what form that has to take. 

Of Course Crying Is A Way To Communicate,

Having spent a good number of years as an ML (Municipal Liaison for the uninitiated) I know that sometimes during the noveling process, particularly during NaNoWriMo, words fail you and the only thing that can come out is tears and snot and sobs. It happens and it's totally fine. I've been in a situation where I have been the one crying - because my laptop went crazy and corrupted the file of my novel - and I have been the person trying to help the crying person, most often because they have lost either part or all of their novel. I'm not saying it's the only reason people cry during NaNoWriMo because it's definitely not, but it is a big reason. This feels like a good place to say: REMEMBER TO BACK UP YOUR NOVEL. 

Even when you hate it, even when you're tired, even when you are in a rush, back it up. I don't care how you do it, whether it's stick it on The Cloud, email it to yourself, save it on a floppy disk (kids, look it up) or all of the above, but just do it, because you will klick yourself if you don't and something happens. It's a good way to avoid a mid month meltdown when you walk around thinking all these hours of writing, WASTED. 

But anyway, moving on, if the worst should happen, or anything really that makes you cry, most of the writing groups I have ever been to as a WriMo (Writer of NaNoWriMo...) are fully of the quirky weird and wonderful people who care about others instantly because this is our bandwagon, this is our boat and we're all in it together, so shuffle up and make room, if you start crying, we're going to understand. Maybe not everyone, but there will be a lot of us who understand. Crying is just frustration trying to leave the body. Like swearing, but somewhat more socially acceptable, depending who and where you are. 

Whilst I fully intend not to be the victim of a novel murdering laptop this year, I know there are going to be times during NaNoWriMo that I need to just have a quiet sob in a corner and that's because there are a few projects I'm planning to work on during November which make me very emotional. Now, whether I choose to do those whilst out of the house (yeah, I might actually go to a physical write in this year that's not the All Night Lock In, how strange!!) or whether I decide to hide in my hovel and get on with them is still up for debate because I live somewhere different to where I did the last time I went to a write in, so the people at this one don't know me, and I don't know a lot of them, and the idea of having a minor emotional breakdown in front of them does fill me with something that feels like sinking dread, but I also know that it shouldn't, because we all get at least a little bit emotionally invested in our novels. 

If your own novel is making you cry and not just because it has vanished into the lines of computer code and is utterly unrecoverable, it's because there is a whole lot of 'you' going into it, and sometimes that's the best kind of therapy anyone can ask for and sometimes it feels horrible. Sometimes, particularly when you share your work online, or if you know it's going to be published, sharing THAT MUCH of yourself feels like you're left overexposed and honestly, for me it made me feel a bit sick. 

In my lifetime, (God why does saying that make me feel like I'm in my mid sixties?) I have self-published two novels. One of them can still be found on Amazon, and the other can't and there's a reason for that. I loved it when I wrote it, and to an extent I love it now, because it was the first novel I ever finished writing. I started it for my very first NaNoWriMo way, way, way, way, way, way, way back when, and I finished it nine months later. I am proud of younger me for failing NaNoWriMo but still seeing that novel through to the end, and I'm really proud of putting myself out there and self-publishing it, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't also proud of having re-read it, thinking, Christ, this is actually kind of trash and pulling it. Fairies was written by someone who had grown a lot by writing that first novel (I'm not mentioning the title of it because it was really bad!) and I'm still supremely proud of that one. Yes, you can tell it was written by a teenager, but there is a reason for that. It was written by a teenager!! 

I recently re-read a lot of Fairies and there were points that made me cry. I didn't do it to try and turn on that emotional tap like I do with watching films that make me cry, sometimes, but I did it because I have still been struggling to write a sequel to Fairies, which has had a title for over a decade, but is yet to be much more than that. Every time I write parts of the draft of that novel, I have to stop to have a sob and wipe my eyes. Honestly, it's a good job I can touch type because sometimes, I can't see anything trying to write it, but it's because I love it, too, even if it's little, weird, half formed state that it's in now. Fairies helped to make me who I am because it is still one of the biggest achievements in my life. I think maybe one of the reasons I struggle with Butterflies - the sequel - is because I put too much pressure on it to be like it's older sibling, and I think if it doesn't feel like I'm investing as much of myself into it, maybe I'm doing it wrong. (Which of course, is also total nonsense.)

If any of these blogs seem a little nonsensical, it's worth remembering that getting back into the habit of writing takes some time and I'm really struggling to think in straight lines at the moment because of the struggles I'm having with my mental health issues. Please bear with me (why do I always have to Google if it's bear or bare?) and hopefully normal service will resume, shortly. I'm still going to be weird though. That's engrained at this stage. :) 

What Happens If I Fall Out Of Love With My Draft?

Okay, so you start NaNoWriMo and you are however far into writing it and you think, hell, I'm not in love with this anymore, let me reassure you, you're not alone. Like every relationship, your relationship with your novel is highly unlikely to be smooth sailing. There is plenty of opportunity for your novel to make you sad, make you happy, make you angry and make you excited and maybe, just maybe, make you all of those things at once. There will be times you fall out with your novel, and that is a hundred percent okay. If you were a novelist on a deadline you might need to be worried, but if you are working on your debut, writing for fun, or you have plenty of time before you need to submit something, falling out with your novel is just one of those things that you need to accept is highly likely to happen. There are a range of things you can do if this happens, but firstly, you need to figure out what went wrong.

The first thing to think bout is are you really in the mood for this? If I’m not in the mood to be writing, it is going to show, because I will get testy and stroppy and I will think everything I am writing is a steaming pile of horse dookie, and if there is nothing I can do about the mood - sometimes I need food, sometimes I need a drink, sometimes I need some wine, but sometimes, none of that does anything and at those times I need to take a break. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, I’m going for a shower, sometimes I need to go for a walk or a run, or just play with the dog for a bit, but what I need is to get away from the computer screen and what I am writing for a short break. Sometimes it needs to be a longer break because I’m too stuck in my head, and actually, sometimes it’s worth just saying I’m going to go back to pen and paper or use one of the typewriters because a change can be as good as a rest. The novel, at that point, is not the problem, the problem is you and your mood and your attitude. Sort yourself out and look after yourself and it’ll all get just a little bit easier.

Sometimes a break doesn’t do anything, because what you are writing actually isn’t that great, and do you know something? That’s the point of a draft. I’m sure some people do crack out amazing first drafts, but they’re the exception, we’re the rule. (Yes, I am quoting a movie and yes it is He’s Just Not That Into You. I haven’t even seen it in years, but that line always sticks with me.) The most important thing you need to decide is, will it do for now? Again, if you’re on a deadline, it’s probably worth looking at whether you can do what you’re doing better, but if you have time, it’s worth just bashing through to the end and then picking it up in the redraft or editing stage, because it’s really easy to get obsessed with getting ‘this one bit’ or ‘this one scene’ just right and it is to the detriment of everything else. If you just move on from the bit, whether that is skip that bit because it’s not working, or keep slogging on until it gets easier, at least you’re getting away from having a blank page. You can’t work with something that is not there, so something is better than nothing. There’s plenty of places in novels that have been published where the text isn’t perfect and actually you might want to throw a book across the room, whether it’s because there’s plot holes or because that particular bit is boring, but necessary, so don’t feel like your first draft has to be perfect, when it doesn’t. Don’t beat yourself up and make yourself feel like you’re not as good at what you’re doing because it doesn’t go right first time.

Another option, and I think this is a good one during NaNoWriMo is to sit and think, okay, this isn’t working, I’m going to try it again. Now, this works best when you try it in a different way, but at the same time, you don’t have to. If you want to just take another crack at it, do it, but sometimes changing tenses works, sometimes changing the voice of it helps, again, sometimes changing what you’re using to write helps. If I’m writing something like crime fiction, or something really dark, I have to do it on the typewriters, because it’s the only way that it comes out right, but at the same time, anything I try and write on the typewriters, particularly the manuals, takes a turn for the dark side. Sometimes that’s necessary and other times it does not work, but at least I tried. During NaNoWriMo, I keep both or all copies of whatever bit I’m trying to write and it all adds to the total. I’m not saying it’s the reason she did it, but Stephanie Meyer did re-write Twilight from the perspective of the guy, as did E. L. James. Again, not saying they’re literary geniuses, but sometimes thinking about the same thing in a different way actually helps you see where the problems are and helps you find your way out of them.

Maybe it is one of those things where nothing is working, or actually this whole project doesn’t feel right anymore, it’s not working and you no longer have any love for it. You do know it’s a hundred percent okay to change your mind, right? Changing your project part way through is definitely okay, both in terms of NaNoWriMo and in general. Just like with relationships, sometimes it’s not that it’s not the right one, it’s that it’s not the right time. I’ve been working on a few different projects for a while that occasionally I just throw the towel in on, because it just doesn’t feel like it is working, but then when I have left it to simmer on the back burner for a bit, I might look at it differently, or see it a different way, or something happens in my life that makes me feel somewhat inspired differently and whether I go back and try to edit, redraft or finish the draft I was working on or I decide to just have a whole new go at drafting it depends on what it is, but I do it, because it works for me. 

Sometimes the temptation is to throw the baby out with the bathwater and burn the notebook, delete the file, scrub it from the server or whatever. On Grey’s Anatomy, someone ate their novel, because it was a load of crap. I don’t recommend this, because paper wasn’t made to be digested, but the point is, don’t be tempted to get rid of it completely just because it’s not working right now. You might not be able to polish a turd, but if you leave it in the right place for a few months - somewhere you can’t see it or smell it - it can turn into something like compost which can help you to make something else turn right eventually. 

God that’s a lot of similes and metaphors, isn’t it? 

The most important thing, to my mind anyway, is just remembering you are not alone. It can feel disastrous when everyone else seems to be doing really well and you’re sat there struggling or hating your idea or novel. Like any social media, it’s worth remembering that there is a whole lot going on behind the number that people are posting and NaNoWriMo isn’t, primarily, about competing against other people, it’s about competing with yourself and your life and your priorities, so remember that some people are better at blocking things out, some people have less commitments and responsibilities and some people can just afford better noise cancelling headphones. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean anything, so don’t lose hope. All is not lost on one bad line, paragraph, chapter or even draft.

How Do You Decide What You're Going To Write For NaNoWriMo?

If you're in the position to be asking this question, generally you'll be sat in one of two situations. One of those situations is staring at a blank page and wondering what to put onto it. The other is having multiple ideas, too many really and either not knowing where to start or not knowing which to carry on with. There is one important thing to remember in each of these instances and that is there is no right answer. 

One of the things that is great about NaNoWriMo is that, whilst there is general idea of how we write for it, there are very few hard and fast rules for it. Obviously you want to write an original work (I include fan fiction and everything like that in my idea of what constitutes an original work, I just mean you can't borrow everything from something else), it has to be written in the timeframe and the genre doesn't matter. You can write more than fifty thousand words and you can write across a few projects if you really want to. One of my favourite things on that is definitely the ability to abandon a project if it is just not working.

For some of us, a blank page is exciting because of all of the possibilities that it presents, but for others, it's anxiety inducing because there is a lot of pressure from a blank page to fill it with something, and writers always want to write something great. It's hard because that kind of pressure, for most people, isn't conducive to a good working environment. When we stress ourselves too much, we actually make it impossible to achieve what we are trying to achieve, because stress compromises our cognitive functions. That being said, I know first hand that a little bit of pressure is good. Write or Die has only ever been as successful as it has because of the added pressure of Kamikaze mode. I think 4thewords battles are the same because, although you don't have to deal with the computer deleting your words if you don't keep writing, involvement in 4thewords only works if the game motivates you and then you want to beat the monsters, gather the items and all those other things that you do by writing. Obviously that extra activity causes extra pressure... 

If you don't know where to start and the blank page seems to baffling, write what you know. Write about people you know, write fan fiction, write something, because it flexes the muscles that you need to be creative, and it might be that you happen upon something when writing about something else. If you're still stuck, Write Ins, whether virtual or online, are a good way to shake your ideas around with other writers and I can guarantee there will be other people in the same situation. Some people LOVE talking about their current project, some people don't and some people will be as lost and just winging it. That's fine. It's also fine if it doesn't magic itself up in the first few days. There is a theory of micro-actions which suggests that taking the smallest of steps towards a goal actually helps to prod your brain into the right direction, so even just sitting down at the laptop or with the notebook and trying to tease out something  is a step in the right direction, even if it is only a baby step.

If you're in the opposite situation and you're struggling with too many ideas and not enough time, energy, focus or paper to crack on with all of them, figure out which one you are most passionate about first. There's nothing wrong with choosing to flit between a few different projects, though it is worth limiting this to only a handful because otherwise you'll waste time trying to get yourself back up to speed each time you change. If you need to write something  sad when your sad, violent when you're angry and dramatic when you're happy - I dunno, people are weird - then there's nothing wrong with that, and whilst traditional NaNoWriMo is bashing through fifty thousand words of one project, there's nothing wrong with using it to bulk up a few projects or even finish a few projects if the feeling takes you. Like I said, no right answers, but the great thing about there being no right answer is there is also no wrong answer. Even if you decided to cheat NaNo, which I am in no way supporting by the way, you're actually only cheating yourself. Cheating is definitely the wrong answer, even when there is no wrong answer.

If you want to write, whether that be for fun, to relax or for a career, cheating your way through NaNo isn't going to be anything like as entertaining as finishing your novel, it won't relax you as much as writing something that helps you to process thoughts and feelings and events and it's not going to produce a novel for you that you can then start trying to either self-publish or start querying for an agent or publisher. If you are going to do it, you just have to do it, and accept that sometimes it's going to be hard. I hate the phrase of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but everything you write does make you learn, even when it's total crap. 

Sometimes, It's Not Even Being Tired,

I've already mentioned that over the last few weeks I have struggled a lot with a few things with the dreaded ADHD, and one of the biggest things with it, other than the slight identity crisis that it sent me into, was, or is, brain fog.

I am used to feeling tired. I have spent a long time being tired and not really knowing why, and it's in part because my sleeping pattern is massively affected by the ADHD, but it's also because a few things feel like 'tired' but they're not actually the feeling of being tired, so it doesn't matter how much sleep I get, those feelings or emotions or whatever may be there anyway, because sleep is not what I need in those moments. Sometimes, it's as simple as I need caffeine, because it is enough of a stimulant to be able to sharpen my focus a little bit and let me get on with what I need to do, sometimes, it's a bigger issue of being fully burnt out and needing to take some time out to do things that all me to reset a little and sometimes it is the beloved brain fog that I haven't really got used to and I don't really know how to shift, if there even is a way.

Mostly I am pretty good that I can drive even when I am having a bad day, but when I have a bad day with it, I really can't drive. Driving is like my base line because even though I've not been doing it for long, any time I render myself unable to drive because of medication or alcohol, I miss being able to use my car, and any time my car isn't there, I struggle without it. I'm rather attached to the freedom of just being able to go anywhere with it since I've done quite a lot of driving since I passed my test and not being limited to doing things I can get a lift or public transport to has been pretty great.

Over the last couple of days the brain fog has been so bad that I have kind of felt as though I shouldn't drive if I can avoid it, because caffeine isn't doing anything to make things clearer, sleep is doing nothing and I don't really know what else to try. Other people with ADHD have said that medication can help, but I would be lying if I said it didn't make me anxious because of all of the bad experiences I've had with medication for anxiety and depression. Honestly, the way I've been feeling recently feels like the early days of citalopram all over again, and nothing but time actually helped with that, and eventually recovering enough to come off of the medication all together. That also really helped.

Whilst I'm not sure what's causing it, I'm trying to battle through it and also realising that there is a problem with brain fog in that it makes me forget to do things like cook until the point where I get dizzier, I can't exercise because I already feel dizzy and don't want to go out on my own (as in, without another person) and if I took Chai then I would be concerned that if I fell over or collapsed walking her again then she would do a runner again (though when that happened, she had only been with me for a couple of weeks and may not have realised that her name wasn't China anymore when I was calling for her) and I can't remember what I've drank so I am more inclined to have coffee, given that it is caffeinated and the caffeine can help, but it is also very dehydrating so when the brain fog is even partly to do with dehydration, I'm at risk of making it worse. 

All of this makes me feel as though I sound incapable of looking after myself, and the truth is that sometimes I am. Sometimes I ask my mum if I can stay with her, or she can have Chai, because I either can't look after us both at that moment, or I can't look after myself if I'm focusing on her. There are times when I use things like HelloFresh, because they stop me from needing to plan or make too many decisions and their instructions are pretty simple. I can also tell that I've not been eating properly by how many of the recipes are sat around my kitchen. (I never said it was idiot proof.) Sometimes the things which have worked before don't work the next time things are hard and sometimes the things you think will work don't do anything. The whole thing is a balancing act between what I actually have the capacity to do and what will help me to focus less on things that I can get help for. I think that makes sense, but on the day I'm writing this I'm so foggy I'm not even sure. Then again, iced coffee, a banana and a packet of crisps have taken the edge off of the worst of it.