I refuse to do it, on principle, because I have already spent too much time being sad over this person, any yet, when Skype told me I had a notification from him, my heart still did that juddery thing that hearts do sometimes, and I don't know why. It's been over two years, so why is my heart still jumping? Turns out it was only Skype reminding me that today's his birthday and he's been around this world for 21 years today.
If we were still close, if we were still talking in any way I would be calling him about now and screaming happy birthday you old bastard down the phone, and and he'd remind me that it's only a month and fifteen days til my birthday (because he always got it confused with St Patricks, but I always thought his was on the fourth, so it was okay) when I turn 20, so he's not that old really.
Why is my heart still juddering? Probably because he is one of the few people who have walked out of my life, and that I haven't just accidentally let go of, or had a damn good reason to kick out ass first.
Today won't be one of those days though, where I realise and I get back into my jammies and listen to Danni California on loop like I used to have to so I could sleep without crying. Today is going to be one of those days where I go to my friends gig and have an AMAZING time, with some amazing people, and if he pops into my head, well he can pop right out again with the wind, because even though it's his birthday, today is my day. Yesterday, when I was baking like a crazy person without any real reason, yeah, he can have that day. Maybe I was sad because I knew today was coming, but today is my day to feel good and to feel happy and to enjoy myself. I'm going to Barfly, I'm going to watch the guys perform and I am going to love it, because it's worth being happy for.
I don't normally like posting stuff like this, because I hate the fact that I still get upset over something which happened so long ago, but maybe I just need to write it down to get it out of my system. I'm not going to post this one on Twitter or Facebook, so if you read it, you've found it either by chance, or maybe for a reason. If you think it's for a reason, I hope it helps you to find peace of mind, if only because there is someone else out there who feels the same way as you.
I need to get ready - need to do something with my ridiculous hair!!
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