Lots of Swear Words,

I'm a grumpy sort of person anyway, but when I have to be a rain soaked grumpy person and the rain soaks through to my pants, you're really going to know I'm in a bad mood. 

Anyway, we went to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show at Kew Gardens as part of the summer screenings and if nothing else it came as a confirmation that summer is most definitely over. It was cold and wet and rainy, so the only time I felt like I had any life in my limbs was when the Time Warp came on - I could be on my death bed and I would still get up and jump to the left. We were all in agreement that had the ticket prices not been so expensive we would have just gone and got on the next bus home, but after paying nearly £17 excluding the booking fee, we all took the British approach and just got on with it. Thankfully the girls and I had pizza and the heating to come home to. 

As if that wasn't great enough, the Craptop is once again playing Knock-a-Door-Run on death's door and thinking it can win, when it so clearly can't. I know it's four years old, but the hard drive being knackered is about the last thing I need right now!! Thankfully though there are almost an infinite amount of tech savvy people in the world who know far better than me how to fix these things, and one of them in particular likes me enough to help - even though I turn into an insufferable B1tch when this sort of thing happens. 

Despite best efforts, I have unfortunately lost some of the novel I was working on, though due to my worst efforts towards a NaNo style deadline in the past four years, it thankfully wasn't that much and there are still roughly 5600 words to work from, which is pretty good. 

Anyway, I'm apparently having a social life tonight, so I guess I better sign off and get back to writing, although even I admit that my original deadline is making very pretty circles in the toilet bowl right now... 

Camomile Tea,

So, currently I'm sat in my bed with a cup of camomile tea, half a blanket and a tub full of patches of wool. Am I constructing a blanket? No, I'm taking one apart.

I started making this "thing" when I was fourteen, which I always think of as not very long ago until I realise that I am in fact now twenty and no longer able to class myself as a teenager. Anyway. The bottom half is a bit scraggly to say the least, since I wasn't overly dexterous at that age, and I was pathetically bad at knitting. My short attention span is also evident since the patches are teeny tiny. Fast forward six years and they are all large beautiful, if not oddly shaped, patches.

So what was the problem?

My blanket was almost a fricking triangle. Seriously, the top was AT LEAST six inches wider than the bottom, sothe natural OCD like thing to do is take the whole thing apart.

Now, you may wonder why I'm telling you this.

I'm telling you this to describe the frame of mind that I'm currently in, because I feel that is more constructive than once again apologising for the lack of another of my novels on amazon. For those who care, okay, I'm sorry, but I'm getting on it. Honestly.

I Will Not Be Sad Today

I refuse to do it, on principle, because I have already spent too much time being sad over this person, any yet, when Skype told me I had a notification from him, my heart still did that juddery thing that hearts do sometimes, and I don't know why. It's been over two years, so why is my heart still jumping? Turns out it was only Skype reminding me that today's his birthday and he's been around this world for 21 years today.

If we were still close, if we were still talking in any way I would be calling him about now and screaming happy birthday you old bastard down the phone, and and he'd remind me that it's only a month and fifteen days til my birthday (because he always got it confused with St Patricks, but I always thought his was on the fourth, so it was okay) when I turn 20, so he's not that old really.

Why is my heart still juddering? Probably because he is one of the few people who have walked out of my life, and that I haven't just accidentally let go of, or had a damn good reason to kick out ass first.

Today won't be one of those days though, where I realise and I get back into my jammies and listen to Danni California on loop like I used to have to so I could sleep without crying. Today is going to be one of those days where I go to my friends gig and have an AMAZING time, with some amazing people, and if he pops into my head, well he can pop right out again with the wind, because even though it's his birthday, today is my day. Yesterday, when I was baking like a crazy person without any real reason, yeah, he can have that day. Maybe I was sad because I knew today was coming, but today is my day to feel good and to feel happy and to enjoy myself. I'm going to Barfly, I'm going to watch the guys perform and I am going to love it, because it's worth being happy for.



I don't normally like posting stuff like this, because I hate the fact that I still get upset over something which happened so long ago, but maybe I just need to write it down to get it out of my system. I'm not going to post this one on Twitter or Facebook, so if you read it, you've found it either by chance, or maybe for a reason. If you think it's for a reason, I hope it helps you to find peace of mind, if only because there is someone else out there who feels the same way as you.

I need to get ready - need to do something with my ridiculous hair!!

Sometimes, Heaven Can't Wait

Twenty minutes after I woke up today, I got a call from a friend. The last time she called me, she was telling me that she got into York University, which made me completely elated, since I had been worried about her since I moved, the time before that - we have Facebook, negating the need for actually phone conversation - it was to tell me that a friend had committed suicide. Today, it was that someone from our college, someone from our classes, has been murdered, and she only found out through Facebook. 

The reason I'm publishing this on the internet for anyone and everyone to read is because I have literally no idea how on Earth I feel about it, except that I'm angry with something. For the first time since I got it, I took my Taize necklace off and threw it across the room, wanting to leave it where it landed when I move on Sunday, but then I realised something... At times like this, you can choose to do two things: you can either cling to the things which are dear to you, or you can reject them completely, so I picked it back up and made a vow to myself that come hell, high water or a few inches of snow, I'm going to go to church this week, like I have been meaning to since the university year started back. (This year I don't live on site and don't have a lecture beforehand, so there is nothing to force me to be on the site, and therefore in the chapel. I'm not overly great at kicking my own ass to go). I've also decided that - even though I'm going to be travelling on the poverty wagon (aka the bus) for a grand total of nine hours, just to spend six hours in Manchester - I'm going home to see some of the people who took the time to make my life a lot easier for a couple of years. I've been meaning to go back since I left, but I just, haven't. I guess part of that is that I know that the college isn't the same place that I started at three and a half years ago. They expanded it, and ruined the most beautiful part. 

The travelling is going to - not only be a pain in the gonads - drive me to something close to a Charlie version of insanity, which is not pleasant and you ought to stay as far away from it as possible. On the plus side, I will either have a lot of time to veg out and think about all the nasty and horrible ways I want to mess with my characters (drama is what makes my novels vaguely interesting after all) or maybe even to get some writing done. Or editing, but don't get your hopes up, because that is unlikely. 


Although, seeing Yours, on Kindle for the first time will be exciting stuff, and I will be better off having something to focus on, instead of just stewing on whatever I'm thinking for the entire journey...