So, it's now over a month since NaNoWriMo ended, and I can quite honestly say I haven't touched what I wrote since the day I hit fifty thousand words (19th November 2013). While that isn't a bad thing necessarily - I know many people that think the draft of a novel is like red wine, you have to give it time to breath - the fact that all I have done since then is a couple of handwritten pages in a notebook that seems to be going on forever is sort of playing on my mind.
My thing is I have a very active imagination, and when I don't force myself to sit down and let some of the ideas come out in a constructive way, they form some pretty vivid and often pretty confusing nightmares. Now, you'd think that being used to this would mean I would convince myself to sit down and force myself to write for a set amount of time per day, but even during NaNoWriMo that's simply not how I work. Additionally, when I do decide to write and get very drawn in by something, I always have to go to bed before finishing writing something, because I'm too tired to carry on, and that also influences the things I dream about.
Oh, and I always feel pretty burnt out after NaNo.
I am however thankful that now my urge to write has naturally returned, though I'm still struggling with convincing myself to edit Yours,. I feel like there is almost a fear surrounding it, and I'm not sure exactly what's causing that fear, because I accept it could be a great many things and most of them are pretty common to other writers as well.
Editing means finally finishing something. In a way, it's the same as reading the last chapter of the book. Whilst you are still reading the book, the characters have an existence, they have a life, but as soon as the book is finished and put back on the shelf, whether the characters were living or dead by the end of the story, there existence ceases in a way. It's the same with writing.
I've been told a great many times that it would be a mistake to pick up a book you once wrote and re-read it, because for whatever good it could do you in identifying your style, your characters and all that sort of thing, you'll find bits you aren't happy with and things you could have done better, so when you finish the last edit on a book, it should be the last time you look at it, which can be quite saddening.
Though characters are more like an early kind of Sims characters than most of us would like to admit, it is possible to become rather attached to them, and I very often do. There are definitely times where I have an intense amount of hate for my characters, and other times when the things I write about them make me want to have a little cry in the corner. I know that it's strange to try and understand, but they have an importance in my life for a while, however long or short, and then as if in a puff of smoke without any real provocation, they are gone.
Then again, it's possible to say that I'm fearing the day that the printed copy of Yours, arrives on my doorstep, because as much as that day will mean to me, I then have to find a way to accept that it's no longer mine. When you first start a novel, or first write it, it gets to be all yours until you let someone read it. Unless you tell them, no one else may even know of it's existence. As soon as the printed copy arrives, it has already been through countless hands and you've had no say in where it goes, and as soon as you push the button that starts all the commands to do something with that book - whether it be load it into the Kindle store or Amazon, or even upload it to somewhere completely free - you are letting go of any sort of control of it. Anyone who wants to can access it, and say what they like about it, and you might hear it and that's a scary thing.
Which leads onto the inevitable really scary thing. Someone might call it trash. Someone might insult it or upset you, or use it against you, or see things in it that you think have no basis. Essentially, people can think and say what they like about it, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Tough.
I think most of you reading this will know that I've been in this position before, and I know how scary it is. The fact is, though it's going to take me a while, I'm going to get to the point where Yours, is out there and there's nothing I can do about it, and I'm going to be happy that it is.
I've been in the position where people have said things about my novels that I don't like or that hurt, and sometimes it's been by people who were pretty close to me, but the thing is, I know I have to take that with the good things that people say too; you can't close off your ears to an entire half of the argument. If you're sat teetering on the edge thinking should I, shouldn't I? The answer is going to be, yes, you should, because most of the time, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than you regret the things that you did, so go for it. Publish a novel, or a group of poems or short stories, or even just one. That thing you can do?, show it to people, because it is impressive and it is real.
I know I need to give myself a rather large kick in the bottom to get this ready and finished, and I will, and you should to.
Be proud of your wordsmithy.
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