Give Me What I Want,

Originally, I wanted to title this Gimme What I Want, but then I second guessed myself on the band for the song I was referencing and realised that Gimme What I Want is a Miley Cyrus song and Kids in Glass Houses (knew it was them, should never have second guessed myself) titled their song as Give Me What I Want, even though I would swear that they sing it more as Gimme rather than the Queen's English (King's English now?) Give Me... 

And after that brief tangent, let's dive in. A couple of people have asked me, in relation to the impending birth of my little one, when I'm going to have a baby shower, and it has always been a bit of a when are you having one rather than are you planning one, which I guess is to be expected because they are a pretty common occurrence now (as are the dreaded gender reveals!!) but honestly, I never  actually intended to have one, for a few reasons and the biggest one is most of my favourite people like a car ride, train ride or even plane ride away and it wasn't going to be possible to get them all assembled into one room to come and celebrate me and my little guy, sadly. 

Now, I would have loved to pull them all together and do some of the crazy traditions from different countries baby showers, I can't remember if the tasting baby food one was Canadian or American (taste it and guess the flavours, not just taste it for the hell of it, although if you want to, you do you...) but I think the sniffing the diaper (translation: nappy) and guessing what the fake baby poop was made out of was an American one. Apparently a couple of favourites are spread out Nutella in one and green mushy peas in another. Yuck!! But even things like having a guess the baby's weight, or whose eyes or hair or whatever they will have seems like quite a nice way of celebrating with friends before bringing this tiny human into the world, because it helps people think about what's beyond the bump and actually having the little person in their lives as well as the lives of their parents.

Except that very often, baby showers are seen as a bit of a gift grab and it does slightly drive me mad when there is a gender reveal and presents are expected and then a baby shower, and another gift expected, and then some people do something which the Americans have dubbed a 'Sip and See' (sorry, but not everything needs a damn name...) and some people expect presents at that as well, though I believe that's not the norm... Some people will genuinely use these events, and particularly the invitations to these events as an excuse to circulate their gift registry and honestly, I find it tacky for one thing, but also find the idea of doing it kind of knocks my autistic funny bone.

There are just some things that, whilst normal to other people, make me squirm and the best way I can describe them is knocking my autistic funny bone, because it's that same weird sensation you get when you. bang your funny bone that goes along with the pain, but also just makes your legs feel like jelly and your stomach feel like you're going to throw up. It makes me cringe but it's more than that. 

But then again, the NHS advertising screens in the antenatal clinic really encourage you to make an Amazon Wishlist so I did, like a good little soldier doing as I'm told, but then when people started asking me about it, I got the total ick with it. At first it was because I really didn't want any more STUFF to move with, even if it was STUFF I picked out and STUFF I knew that we needed. As it was, we had a VERY BIG truck and it was damn near full to bursting, so God knows what we would have done if there was more, but the bigger challenge of it now is, a, how to go back to those people and say, oh yeah, we've moved now - here's my list - or even sending it to people who are asking me for it now, I'm kind of embarrassed by it, as though I'm either asking for gifts or because I think people are going to judge me for things that are on the list or things that aren't.

Let's face it, the second part of that is really ridiculous, because the reason a lot of things aren't on the list isn't because we simply forgot them or because it hasn't occurred to us to get them for the baby - who needs a car seat for the bub? Just bungee strap him to the roof... - but because we already have them and sometimes, we already have multiples, but I worry that people will look at it and judge my choices. I think the high chair is on there - something I fully intend to buy myself but since the dinning room is currently a cluttered mess still from moving, I'm not doing it yet - but it's specifically a wooden one, and we've had a few friends offer us their old ones and I've declined because it's a plastic one and that's really not my preference. I worry that sometimes it comes across as very ungrateful, but it's not about that, it's about the choices we are making as parents and we really do want to limit his exposure to plastic or microplastics in his food. 

I have a love hate relationship with gift registries for this reason, because at least you know that no one is spending money on things you may or may not like, need or want, but I slightly feel like it does ruin gift giving, because the act of giving a gift should be something from the heart - here's something that I love and I hope you will love, too, or here's something which made me think of you... You don't get that when someone has sent you instructions on what to buy, but you also avoid the awfully awkward interaction when someone gets you something you hate and you have to smile awkwardly, control your face (I suck at controlling my face - it broadcasts every feeling I ever have and the bad ones are on loud speaker) and say thank you, but even worse with a baby, particularly when it's clothes, you're expected to USE the thing, make the kid WEAR the thing, and share a photo of the kid in the thing as evidence or something cute in lieu of a thank you card... And if you don't, you're ungrateful...  And that's even when there are some vile sloganed items in the world like a bib that says "Daddy only wanted a BJ and now he has me..." And yes, I have seen something like that, but no, thankfully it wasn't gifted to me. Hopefully people know me better than that, because that would not be going near my child.

Now, there is the possibility of the fact that Reddit is actually stressing me out a bit because there are so many stories on there of people being called ungrateful for not accepting certain gifts or wanting certain things etc and it's always a bit of a divide between people who think you should graciously accept everything you're offered and others who think you should be able to be very specific, but with the market flooded with baby products, some of which aren't even considered to be safe, it's surely understandable that parents want some element of choice in what they do want and what they will use? If we had had a baby shower and someone had brought a nappy cake, they might have been sorely disappointed to find out that we're actually planning on using reusables so I'm hoping we only need disposables in a total emergency and for baby swimming lessons, so a lot of those would end up going to waste, or being put onto the local Facebook Free group. In terms of clothes, honestly, we have hundreds which we have been lovingly gifted, but babies grow so quickly that I won't be surprised if he shoots through them so quickly that he doesn't have the chance to wear half of what he has for the first year, so doesn't it make sense to look at a list of things that includes books we want to read to him, or bath toys for a little bit down the line or Tonies figures, because as much as I want to be able to read him to sleep every night, I know that there is still a lot of value in having something like that, particularly when he's a bit older and he can just set it up and use it by himself? 

If this sounds like I've talked myself into a love of wish lists, you're sadly mistaken, because I still find them incredibly difficult in terms of sharing them etc, but this is just a bit of a peek into the internal struggle I have with them... 

In The Wake of NaNoWriMo,

So, it's now over a month since NaNoWriMo ended, and I can quite honestly say I haven't touched what I wrote since the day I hit fifty thousand words (19th November 2013). While that isn't a bad thing necessarily - I know many people that think the draft of a novel is like red wine, you have to give it time to breath - the fact that all I have done since then is a couple of handwritten pages in a notebook that seems to be going on forever is sort of playing on my mind. 

My thing is I have a very active imagination, and when I don't force myself to sit down and let some of the ideas come out in a constructive way, they form some pretty vivid and often pretty confusing nightmares. Now, you'd think that being used to this would mean I would convince myself to sit down and force myself to write for a set amount of time per day, but even during NaNoWriMo that's simply not how I work. Additionally, when I do decide to write and get very drawn in by something, I always have to go to bed before finishing writing something, because I'm too tired to carry on, and that also influences the things I dream about. 

Oh, and I always feel pretty burnt out after NaNo.

I am however thankful that now my urge to write has naturally returned, though I'm still struggling with convincing myself to edit Yours,. I feel like there is almost a fear surrounding it, and I'm not sure exactly what's causing that fear, because I accept it could be a great many things and most of them are pretty common to other writers as well. 

Editing means finally finishing something. In a way, it's the same as reading the last chapter of the book. Whilst you are still reading the book, the characters have an existence, they have a life, but as soon as the book is finished and put back on the shelf, whether the characters were living or dead by the end of the story, there existence ceases in a way. It's the same with writing.

I've been told a great many times that it would be a mistake to pick up a book you once wrote and re-read it, because for whatever good it could do you in identifying your style, your characters and all that sort of thing, you'll find bits you aren't happy with and things you could have done better, so when you finish the last edit on a book, it should be the last time you look at it, which can be quite saddening. 

Though characters are more like an early kind of Sims characters than most of us would like to admit, it is possible to become rather attached to them, and I very often do. There are definitely times where I have an intense amount of hate for my characters, and other times when the things I write about them make me want to have a little cry in the corner. I know that it's strange to try and understand, but they have an importance in my life for a while, however long or short, and then as if in a puff of smoke without any real provocation, they are gone. 

Then again, it's possible to say that I'm fearing the day that the printed copy of Yours, arrives on my doorstep, because as much as that day will mean to me, I then have to find a way to accept that it's no longer mine. When you first start a novel, or first write it, it gets to be all yours until you let someone read it. Unless you tell them, no one else may even know of it's existence. As soon as the printed copy arrives, it has already been through countless hands and you've had no say in where it goes, and as soon as you push the button that starts all the commands to do something with that book - whether it be load it into the Kindle store or Amazon, or even upload it to somewhere completely free - you are letting go of any sort of control of it. Anyone who wants to can access it, and say what they like about it, and you might hear it and that's a scary thing.

Which leads onto the inevitable really scary thing. Someone might call it trash. Someone might insult it or upset you, or use it against you, or see things in it that you think have no basis. Essentially, people can think and say what they like about it, and there's nothing you can do about it. 

Tough. 

I think most of you reading this will know that I've been in this position before, and I know how scary it is. The fact is, though it's going to take me a while, I'm going to get to the point where Yours, is out there and there's nothing I can do about it, and I'm going to be happy that it is.

I've been in the position where people have said things about my novels that I don't like or that hurt, and sometimes it's been by people who were pretty close to me, but the thing is, I know I have to take that with the good things that people say too; you can't close off your ears to an entire half of the argument. If you're sat teetering on the edge thinking should I, shouldn't I? The answer is going to be, yes, you should, because most of the time, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than you regret the things that you did, so go for it. Publish a novel, or a group of poems or short stories, or even just one. That thing you can do?, show it to people, because it is impressive and it is real. 

I know I need to give myself a rather large kick in the bottom to get this ready and finished, and I will, and you should to. 

Be proud of your wordsmithy. 

I Can't Even,

I'm irritable now, which might be at least partly down to the instant coffee, but it's mostly down to this. 

At university this year, I'm studying seven modules. With procrastination being a lot easier, even if far less productive, than reading the essay and actually, I don't know, writing it!, I've been looking up a couple of the textbooks for this module and here's what I found:

Two of the books are more than twenty quid on Amazon. It's really annoying me! I get that the latest edition of the book, in perfect condition with next day shipping and everything like that is going to cost a bit more, but I'm used to being able to go to Amazon and get books for under a fiver. I like those days. I've not even finished the list of books I want for this course and the total is up to fifty quid, excluding delivery! I'm sorry Amazon, but I can't afford that. 

Okay, I need to qualify can't afford that. 

Fifty quid on books is a bit ridiculous since the university does technically have a few copies of most of them and the central library for our university probably has the rest, but it's been recommended we have our own copies of the core text books, and I understand why. What's more, I like having the copies of them.

I can afford forty quid on boots today, because a, they're burgundy and beautiful, b, I've been staring at them for weeks, c, they are really comfortable, d, I haven't had any calf length boots for years and my footsies get cold and most importantly THEY WERE 60% OFF!!!

Yeah. 

I know it ought to be simple maths, and perhaps if I had known the cost of the books before, I would have....no, I wouldn't. I can't borrow shoes from a library!! 

Anyway, I have happily found one of the expensive ones on eBay, so that shouldn't be too bad, and I can just raid the reliable charity shops when I go home and see if I can find a few of them cheaper! 

Running With It,

I'm starting to wonder if running in the mornings is detrimental to everything else I do in day, because it seems as though I'm so knackered that all I want to do is crash on the sofa watching television for the rest of the day. It's gruesome, because I spend only half an hour running and then it becomes something which takes up my entire day. I'm glad that I only go running once every two days, or I would get nothing done. 

I've just had a look over the old blogs, because I knew that when I had got through formatting the latest novel, I had put down a provisional date (two, in fact) as to when it would be released, the first of which was going to be on the two year anniversary of the CharliesWrite blog (7.3.13) the second being my 20th birthday (19.3.13) neither of which actually happened - obviously. Anyway, for those of you not connected on Twitter (@charlieswrite) or Facebook (search: Charlie Yarwood Author) I'm now not working to any sort of provisional dates, BUT the initial formatting is now done and so is the first edit where most of the problems have been ironed out. All that needs to happen now is a little bit of moving words around and then a proof read and then it will be arriving onto the Kindle AND Amazon.com AND Amazon.co.uk (+++all of the European Amazon sites!!) Everything is designed and ready to go when the content is ready! 

Anyway, I'm going to make myself another mug of tea and start work on something different, because I would rather avoid having a typo on the front page of the first edition this time, because that would upset me...

Nothing News,

Until I moved house, I was pretty oblivious with the news, because I don't have BBC News as my homepage any more, I didn't own a radio and I pick up the Metro or the Standard, but then I just don't really read it, since nothing really draws me into it. When I moved to Roehampton though, I became more into listening out for what's going on, because we have a radio in our kitchen which we have playing BBC Radio One pretty much all the time. I've just turned it off though, because I don't need "projections" of what the closures of HMV stores and Blockbuster going into administration is going to do to the film industry. 

What's basically being said is that film industries rely on the idea that they are going to make X amount of money from DVD sales, and the lack of stores on the high street offering these may reduce the amount of DVDs sold. If I'm honest, I think that is a dreadful pile of poo, because if you WANT the DVD and the DVD is still available through other channels e.g. Amazon then you're more than likely to still buy the bloody thing, right? I'm not saying it's an ideal situation, but it's not quite the dire straits that they're implying. Also, one of the reasons that rentals with Blockbuster are declining is because of the existence of other companies e.g. Netflix and Lovefilm who offer roughly the same service, but you don't have to try and run to the shops after work. Either they are delivered straight to your door and can be posted back, or they are just there on the internet in a beautiful, easy to search online library. The issue for Blockbuster is that they were overtaken. They could have, if they had realised how lucrative this business idea was, still been the big name with it, but Netflix and Lovefilm have developed their own reputations now, and would almost certainly be seen as the better alternative as they've had years to build, while Blockbusters have been declining.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not Amazon's biggest fan - the fact that they make the KDP website so difficult to FIND let alone actually NAVIGATE is something which is particularly annoying about them - but the fact is that when it comes to expanding the business to be more convenient for it's customers, hell, they do that better than anyone. I don't know if any of you have seen these new Amazon lockers - I know there's on in West 12 and Hammersmith Bus Station in London - but they're fantastic. If you live somewhere that isn't great for post *cough cough* Elephant and Castle *cough* or the package that you want would be too big to go through the letter box, you can just get them delivered there and pick them up in a couple of days. Simples. 

One of the things which did worry me though was that if there is seen to be a decline in DVD sales, then film makers will have to look for other sources of income to foot the costs (investors won't put money into it if they won't see a return after all) so whether we like it or not, I guess that means there's going to be more product placement in films from now on. Great. As if it wasn't weird enough to see James Bond drinking Hieniken. What the heck is going to be next? It just reminds me of a line from a truly underrated film called Catch and Release with Jennifer Garner in it where the guy describes movies as Sell, sell, sell, but let's kid ourselves and call it art, but advertising is Sell, sell, sell, and we all know that we're going to hell, so here's a big fat check to smooth out the ride. 

Anyway, with that and the horse meat scandal (which let's face it, most people are only throwing a tantrum about because they didn't know, and if you buy things like Findus anyway the only surprise should be that there's actually meat in it at all) I don't know why I'm paying attention. I don't know if it's that bad news sells better or that there's nothing happy going on in the world right now, but it almost makes me want to bake an absolute --- tonne of cake, take it down to the BBC and London Standard offices and tell them to cheer the hell up. 

Tell me something nice for once. Stop giving people reasons to think everything is crap.