Do You Love Your Body?,

This is going to be one of those blog posts I write with no idea of whether I'm going to post it or not, because it's a bit of a touchy subject for me and I'm not a hundred percent sure that I'm comfortable writing about it for myself, let alone posting it on an open forum, but if you never try you never know. God, I hate quoting Coldplay!!

At the moment I am VERY pregnant and there are times where I genuinely appreciate that through no fault or intention of myself and my partner, all of the mirrors in the house are high up, face level sort of mirrors, and so I have spent the last few weeks we have lived in the new house not having to look in a full length mirror at all. There are times when I think I should more often, or have taken more pictures showing the bump's growth, but processing the size and shape of my body has been something I have struggled with in this pregnancy, though not as much as I ever thought I might have. 

Over the past decade, well, just a bit more than a decade, my size has crept up from starting uni around a size 6 to 8, to pre-pregnancy being a size 14 to 16. I realise that that is a natural thing with "getting older", a bit of COVID thrown in for good measure because I was not as active during that, and a myriad of things in between which have contributed, including my love of sweets. Mostly, I haven't minded too much, other than carting around clothes that I still love and occasionally try and convince myself I will one day get back into (I won't) and I can't bare to part with. Thankfully before the house move, partly due to the realities of moving two houses into one, and being pregnant and Vinted being relatively easy to use, I started getting rid of a bit of the clothing clutter in my life, sending some things to the charity shop and selling others, but generally trying to come to a more ordered and sensible wardrobe. It's still a process and likely will be another significant process when I see what fits my no longer pregnant body, but that's another matter. 

I had to think about what size clothing I wear this morning (the morning of when I'm writing this as opposed to the morning of when I'm posting it) and the question popped into my head, likely because I saw myself in a full length mirror whilst I was at the hospital for a growth scan and as it's been a few weeks it was a bit of a confronting moment, do you love your body? Particularly, do you love your body right now? 

(Before anyone panics, because I was 'overweight' in terms of BMI at the beginning of the pregnancy, I'm having growth scans as a precaution, not because of anything nefarious or concerning. The midwife who booked them described it as 'ladies who have a bit of extra padding like us', I loved her, they can't get an accurate measurement from measuring your belly, so growth scans are done to make sure that baby is gaining weight like they should, and to some extent, not getting too big!) 

So, do I love my body right now? Yes, absolutely, but also no, not really. Were I this size and shape at any other time in my life than growing a baby, well, firstly I would be quite concerned, because it's a strange shape for me, but also I don't think I would be particularly comfortable with it; I'm not particularly comfortable now as it happens!! My muscles ache, I waddle when I try to walk and the bottom of my belly hurts, which I think is partly because little man has "dropped" and I'm "carrying low" whatever that means... (Don't worry, I know what it means, I just don't particularly engage with the language.) The strange this is that I'm pretty much exactly the same weight as I was before I was pregnant, despite the fact I'm toting around an extra organ (placenta), amniotic fluid, extra blood, an increased in size uterus, bigger breasts and a whole baby who is not small!! I've mentioned before that parts of this pregnancy have been difficult, and a lot of it has been to do with nausea and vomiting, which has effectively meant that even though I was told not to and I tried not to, I've lost weight by being pregnant. Thankfully, the consultants keep assuring me that it's not a problem and the baby is still healthy and happy. Even though I know that to be true, I still struggle with the size that my body is, partly because of the aches, partly because of the things I can't do being this size and partly because every time I try to get into the spare room in the house and I have to think about how to get my bump past the boxes to get in there and do some sorting. I feel significantly larger than I actually am and that's something I really struggle with. 

But, and when I forget this my partner does a beautiful job of reminding me, this is temporary, whilst I'm growing our family. This is temporary, because my body is currently putting together and keeping safe our son. All the stretch marks and flattening of my belly button - no idea why this one freaks me out the way it does - are just evidence - along with the bump of course - that he's there and he's growing. Although it's frustrating that the maternity jeans I bought at the beginning of my pregnancy are supremely uncomfortable now - the way that the bump has dropped mean that they're too tight around the bottom of the bump which is already uncomfortable - and I've had to order a few pairs of leggings from Amazon just so I have something "decent" to wear, as opposed to the indent PJ shorts that were the only thing that fit me for a spell, I can't help but love the function of my body in the way that it's changing my life at the moment. I know there are other ways to build a family, but even when it hurts because the way he's stretching makes me feel like I'm going to pop, or him kicking my ribs makes me lose my breath from shock rather than awe, this little person is going to be a part of me and a part of my partner and he's been there with me for months. 

I asked someone to get a photo of myself and my partner at the Women's World Cup Final, because I want to be able to tell the little guy that he was there when we won. He had the worst seat in the house because he couldn't see anything, but he was there, and when I was screaming for Ellie Kildunne he was kicking like crazy. (I really do hope he liked rugby.) He was with us when we went to see Bruce Springsteen, but from all of the estimates I don't think he could hear then, but he could when we went to see Imagine Dragons and when we went to see The Summer Set. He and I missed Feeder, because I couldn't stand up for long enough and there were no accessibility tickets available, but there is so much that he has been there through, he just didn't know it yet, and that's because he's in there, and that makes me love this body and this journey, because even though I know we'll spend the rest of his life getting to know him and getting to love him, it does feel like we do that already.

It's hard, in a way, because part of my self image, even when I was getting bigger, was still that idea of younger me when I was a skinny teenager, before my hips filled out and before I had particularly had noticeable breasts, so it can feel alarming and confronting, but in a world where a lot of people and a lot of businesses are accused of being fat phobic I should point out that being small wasn't easy and it was something I was bullied for, and it was something that people often felt the need to comment on in really unhelpful ways, and it caused a large amount of physical effects that impacted my health as well.

I know this is a common area of struggle for people in pregnancy and postpartum, and given that your belly button can be distorted, your stretch marks are unlikely to go anywhere really, your belly can be pudgier or saggy, your boobs are affected even if you don't breastfeed, and if you do breastfeed then your body reacts differently to that in order to have fat stores for your milk. It's not an easy transition to go through at all, and there are times when it feels awful, and there are times when it feels joyous and there are times when it doesn't feel particularly positive or negative. 

So do I love my body? Yes. And a bit no. 

How Are You Suddenly So Consistent?,

 For anyone who has been reading this blog for a while, you'll know I'm shockingly inconsistent about posting, and it probably seems like a really odd time to suddenly be so consistent with posting, given that the clock to when I give birth to my son is ticking down very, very quickly right now. There are a couple of things that have contributed to it though. 

For one thing, I really wanted to get back into writing and the relief that came with certain changes in NaNo this year has really helped with that. I hate when I stop writing because it really affects my mental health because it's been a big part of my life for a very long time. 

The second thing is I am utilising the scheduling function and not feeling guilty about it, for two reasons. I don't want to just drop off the map when I have the baby, partly because I don't want it to be completely obvious when we go into the hospital; it's something I want to be very deliberate in sharing, and have control over when we share it. The other reason is accepting that ADHD has an impact and tools like this mean that it doesn't have to have as big of an impact.

Over the last few days, (in literal terms I think it's been about three days) I have written about twelve different blog posts and scheduled them for a few days apart, partly to create some consistency and a bit of routine on here, but also because I figure if I can get a bit ahead of myself in that on the days where the motivation and inspiration takes me, then on the days where it doesn't I have a bit of a buffer. 

It's one of those sorts of tools or tricks that actually really can help, but I underutilise it because I'm used to the whole thing of coping with the symptoms and effects of my ADHD that I shy away from using things that will help, because I was always told that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was basically lazy and it was my own fault that I couldn't do the things that I needed to do. The whole process of getting my diagnosis and getting onto medication, having to come off of medication due to the pregnancy and then eventually getting back onto the medication has been such a learning curve, because I've had to learn to adapt and also unlearn about the different things where I have been masking my symptoms for a very long time.

We Are Wild,

 Okay, I know we're not really. My partner is too into his computers and networks and I basically think I'm going to melt when it's raining, but we are both into camping (though I'm not sure about his definition of camping as compared with mine!) and paddle boarding and wild swimming. Well, kind of. I like wild swimming but swimming isn't something I'm particularly good at and I'm a bit stressed out by deep water, so I don't tend to do it a lot, and I don't tend to go very far, and I only tend to do it when I'm in a wetsuit because otherwise I get too cold... but I am a total water baby. I love being in the water or on the water or generally around the water. 

When we started looking at buying a new house together there were a few things which were priorities. We wanted something that would be at least a little bit of a project, we wanted something within a certain geographical area so that we were closer to my partners family and we wanted some outdoor space. 

We found a beautiful place that was on the edge of a canal and I could have hated everything else about that house and I would probably have still wanted it, but we decided that the inside space was too cramped and the space outside didn't work for the cars that we have or the way that we use them (in a rotation, because we have a couple of toy cars...) so sadly it would have needed to come down in price a significant amount before we would have considered it, because the only way to "fix" the issues inside would have been to build a big extension.

We saw quite a few different houses, though not as many as most people tend to go and see before they find that one, but then we were driving somewhere and went past the house we finally bought and I remember saying 'What's that?' and my partner thought I meant a bungalow that we had seen and that didn't really fit the bill. It took a little bit of searching to find it, but when we found it, I think we knew that it was potentially lucky, because the advert did not do it justice. The house is incredible, and the garden is just breathtaking. At the very back of the garden there is access onto a river, there are fruit trees all down it and there are lots of other trees, too, like silver birches, sycamores, a couple of conifers and a beautiful oak tree. 

The first time we walked down there, snow was sitting on the ground, and there were wild rabbits hopping about everywhere. There was something ultimately magical about it and we completely fell in love. Since moving in we've been able to put up our CCTV cameras, and because of the type of cameras we have, they've basically become wildlife cameras, so I can keep an eye on the dog in the garden without having to go out with her (which is great considering how terrible I am at being on my feet at the moment), watch the adorable number of cats who are knocking around, but we've also seen rabbits, a squirrel, a fox, a hedgehog, robins, magpies, blackbirds and more. It's glorious, because the place is so wild and so incredible. Honestly, everything about it makes me feel like this was always meant to be our home. 

No, I'm Not Calling Him Donald,

 Let's take a break from all the writing about pregnancy to write about the new house, because I'm in love with this place, even though everything is still messy and complicated and there is a job list of things we want to do that I daren't even try to write down, because I might run out of ink... 

Way back when we first came to see the house, one of the things we loved about it was the land and one of the things I loved about it was that there were chickens and there was a duck. I'm not sure if this has only happened since I turned thirty or so, but I LOVE ducks. Despite the fact I was bitten by a duck I was feeding in the park when I was little, I still LOVE them, and the idea of getting to keep a duck was just too exciting. 

On that first visit, the duck was in part of the enclosure where we couldn't see her, and I did the silly thing of getting excited like she was going to be the pure white runner duck I have dreamt of that I really want to call... Graham. I don't know why. 

I know that the "logical" thing is to go with Donald Duck, but Trump makes me not want to do that, and I know that if I have an egg laying duck, it's a female duck, and so it would make more sense to have Daisy the duck, or Jemima Puddleduck, or plenty of other names that make more sense, but I will not be persuaded! I desperately want a little white runner duck and I want to call her Graham... 

Other than this mad little dream about wanting this duck, there are other reasons I want a duck, or rather, a number of ducks. One of the great things about the land that we have, and one of the things I want to do with it, is use it for growing things like strawberries, tomatoes, maybe chilli but probably not since I don't eat them... but given that I love the nature of the garden, given my love of it's wildness and the character that gives it, and given the proximity to the river, the last thing I want to do is be covering it in chemical pesticides to keep slugs off my strawberries and aphids off my tomato plants.

Whilst I know that ducks don't eat aphids - far too small and faffy - they do eat slugs and other crop destroying bugs. They are little foragers, so they waddle about looking adorable, keeping the bugs and slugs at bay and as they're waddling around doing their thing (and yes, chickens do this too, but they're not anything like as cute doing it) they also do their business which is brilliant for the soil.

Essentially one thing I would love to do is create an enclosure over my strawberry plants that I can let the ducks into, let them do their foraging periodically, but making sure they're not taking all of my strawberries, and then let them back into their run and their predator proof house at night, and use it as that fabulous recycling system. 

As things stand, I have a composter, and I feel like I'm forever fighting with it (it's only been a few weeks since we moved in, but I do sometimes love a flair for the dramatic) because we were inundated by too many apples and I can't make a composter big enough or to go fast enough to try and get on top of the amount of them that there are, particularly along the path down to the river that means I can't go walking down there at the moment for fear of slipping. (It's not just an irrational fear, I tried it on bonfire night and nearly ended up in a heap on my bottom.) As we have the number of apple trees that we do, the birds would be amazing at helping keep on top of this as well, even if they do need a bit of pampering when it comes to apples with the way they need them chopping down, but I also have another plan for the apples for this year and I'm hoping it's not too long before I can put that into motion. 

Something I Didn't Know,

Okay, I realise this blog has become a big of a pregnancy obsessed space at the moment and for that I slightly apologise, and the reason it's only slight is because it's the biggest thing in my life right now, and I have always processed things with writing, so I think it's pretty natural for this space to become somewhere that I think about, talk about, write about, the many issues surrounding pregnancy, even when I'm not a hundred percent comfortable discussing all of the details of my specific pregnancy. The below may be TMI for some of you, though.

Before getting pregnant, I knew there was a period of time after birth where it's recommended that you refrain from having sex. I think most women know this one, and whether men are just never told or never taught until the last possible moment I'm not sure, because there are far too many stories of it coming as a shock, or something which they alone need to endure.

What I didn't know is that this applies whichever way you gave birth - I honestly thought it was more to do with vaginal trauma than anything so I thought a C-section would be different - and it's got nothing to do with the trauma of the birth itself. I've been following a few different midwives, postpartum care specialists etc and one of them did a video where she talked about why this is the case and explained about the detaching of the placenta leaving a dinner plate sized wound that takes approximately six weeks to heal. I'm not going to lie, after watching that video I felt really stupid, because it seems obvious now, but I don't think I had acknowledged the size of this extra organ that the body grows or that it doesn't just fall out cleanly and leave what's underneath perfectly fine. Obviously there is a wound. Obviously it's something significant. 

What also shocked me was that during that period (literally) where you are still lose blood and blood clots etc and you most likely just want to go back to your old reliable period products, depending on what you use, that might now be possible or advisable. The instruction isn't 'don't have sex' it's don't put anything in there for six weeks. No tampons, no moon cups, no toys or anything else like that, because it creates an infection risk in that large internal wound. 

I've mentioned before about our intention to use reusable nappies as opposed to disposable ones, because it just fits better with my views (hate plastic, hate waste) but the question surrounding that postpartum period for me becomes a lot more complicated, particularly because I'm going to be primarily focused on caring for the little man, getting into a feeding routine and also adjusting to having a lot more washing to do in a week... Also, wearing things like period pants is complicated by the fact that my bump is sore at the moment, but it's likely to be more sore as everything tries to shift back to it's normal position and normal sizes and shapes, so just because something fit me before I was pregnant and worked for me then doesn't mean it's going to work for me post baby. I've never been a reusable pads sort of person - honestly I couldn't get my head around changing them and having to keep the dirty one in my bag, partly because women's clothes are crap for pockets and I feel like walking into the ladies room at work with your bag screams "I'm menstruating" in a way that I just don't want to, thanks - so I don't even know what type I would have used pre-baby, but even if I did, the likelihood that they would be able to keep up with everything in those first postpartum weeks is... questionable.

This has also become a thing I've been thinking about because although I've been to a birthing class and they have explained that the cinematic gush of amniotic fluid is so unlikely, I am somewhat terrified of making a mess when I go into labour. One of the reasons I've never been fond of the idea of a home birth is because I've never been inclined to want to clean up the mess or have family or my partner have to do it, but even the idea of my waters breaking, particularly if I'm asleep, makes me feel pretty anxious, but I don't really know what the right answer is. If I had to go into the hospital for something like a membrane sweep then it would be somewhat obvious that post that, we'd be expecting something to happen, but other than that, it's a long time where the baby may or may not decide tonight is the night or today is the day, and given how exhausted I have been I'm spending most of my time either in bed or on the sofa, so it's reasonable to expect one of them is going to take the hit... 

I've said a few times during this pregnancy - actually, no, it's been many, many times - there is no dignity in pregnancy and I feel like this is another area where I want to say the same thing. At some stage, I'm going to spring a leak and there's nothing I can do about it, no way to predict it, and trying to 'be prepared' for it at all times makes me feel like I'm treating myself like a giant toddler, but if feeling like a giant toddler helps me reduce the anxiety of the mess it could all create then I think I just need to learn to accept that and move on. 

What Do You Plan To Do?,

I've genuinely seen a couple of articles recently and had a few different feelings about them, but they're talking about what to do when you're on Maternity Leave and honestly, I don't know whether people are being serious when they write stuff like this. 

Whilst I know they're probably written with the best of intentions, particularly when they talk about attending antenatal classes before you have the baby and going to baby classes when the baby arrives because a common condition of maternity leave is mothers feeling incredibly lonely, and obviously that isn't great, but then these articles go on to talk about things like side hustles, and that's where I start tearing my hair out.

Now I know that there are a lot of conversations happening at the moment around statutory pay, the costs of raising a newborn and also paternity leave entitlement, so when people are talking about a side hustle it's understandable as to why they might want to earn extra money, or why they might need to earn some money, or want to start a business which means that a parent can stay at home with the baby and reduce the amount they need to pay out in nursery fees, but there can be pressure sometimes to do something productive, meaningful or income generating at a time when the priority should be healing and looking after the baby. Maternity leave and shared parental leave is the time to be getting used to the new normal of life with a little person in it, or an extra little person than you had before, so why do we need to have a plan for doing more?

At the moment, one of my biggest plans is to get used to the routine of using washable nappies, getting them and the wet bags we're going to be using for nursery washed up, dried and ready to go again. I'm planning on getting into the routine that nursery will be so it's not as much of as shock to either me or the little guy when he goes, and I'm planning on getting out for a walk every day, or as close to every day as I can, partly because of the whole thing of 'exercise is good for you' but also because having only just moved here, I don't know the area as well as I might want to and because I'm directionally challenged it's the best way of me understanding where things are.

I've seen other people manage to pick up new skills when they're on Maternity leave, but I've seen others start to do that and be posting it on social media, then give up, and that's completely valid. To me it goes back to COVID and lockdown: some people were learning to bake sourdough, and some people were just struggling to keep their heads together. All babies are different, and they go through so much rapid change in the first six to twelve months, so whilst you might have a super sleepy baby who feeds really well in the first few weeks or months, that can change so quickly. Maybe it's sentimental and comes from a position of being privileged enough to take a decent amount of time off with my son, but given how quickly they change and how quickly they grow, I can also understand parents that want to spend all of their leave spending time with their child and just soaking in every moment with their little one and anything more than that is a bonus. 

What makes you want to keep writing?,

After everything that happened with NaNoWriMo, the original, there have been a few of us who have been pretty vocal about the impact it has had on both our mental health and also our ability or motivation to write. Personally I have really struggled with motivation to keep writing, because it all felt a little too emotional. Some things over the last few months have made it a lot easier, but writing novels has remained at least a little challenging. I've struggled with the sharing of blog posts even when I have been able to write them, but I am trying to get past that, and there is a big reason for that.

One of the biggest fears I have now, one of the biggest fears I think most parents have, is not being there for my boy. It may be partly because of all of the stories we have from my grandparents that are only half remembered, and the fact we can't just go back and ask them now. The little details like who people in photographs they left us are, the stories behind hierlooms like the Austrian hat with all the pin badges, or even just things like what was my great grandpa actually like. I know little things, like he had a false leg because he was shot in World War One, but I can't remember if she said he was funny or he was musical. I know he could darn his own socks... or actually that might have been my grandpa because he was in the Navy during the Second World War... 

There are so many more ways now to record the stories we want to pass on to our children, and whilst I'm sure there will be things on this blog that my child or children might not be interested in, or there might be things that make them think certain things about me, as well as it not containing a lot of things like how I met their dad, how we became the couple that we became, how we found our house and everything that happened as we waited to move... there's a lot that's not in here, but there is a lot that is here and it's a side of me that I would like them to be able to see one day, even if it's solely as a reminder that I haven't always been Mum. 

Don't get me wrong, I am a big believer in that parents are whole people who need time to be more than just Mum or Dad or whatever name they go by. Parents need time to be a couple (if they are in a couple) as well as be themselves, and have their interests and their passions outside of just being parents. Being parents is important, of course, and being there for your child or children, but I think there is something problematic in losing yourself completely in your children, partly because it's what then contributes to empty nest syndrome when they have grown up and are doing their own thing, because then it becomes a thing of trying to build yourself a whole new life, with new hobbies and new friends and new passions. Reddit is full of horror stories of when parents are too wrapped up in their kids, and the sort of parents that resent when their kids becomes their own person and has their own life and later their own family. I fully intend to keep writing, maybe get back into running and parkrun, and stay in Scouting, but I'm also aware of the fact that these are things my son most likely will want to get involved in (or at least the last two) so it'll be less of a me thing and more of a we thing...

I guess the important bit for me is that my son would get the chance to read things I wrote, if he wanted to, and that's one of the things that keeps me writing, because even though we are starting a new chapter by becoming parents, it's all part of the stories that we have both been writing all of our lives, and this is the best window into mine. And I'm sure I'll find another way to make sure he has the stories about me and his dad, even if I have to hand write them in a book or something ridiculous like that... 

How To Say This (Part Two),

 Back in July I posted that my partner and I are expecting a baby, and after that I went a bit quiet. I posted a few days ago that there were things that I was finding difficult and I wasn't ready to talk about it, but this blog is to share a little bit more about what has been going on. 

So first things first, morning sickness was awful and to some extend still is awful. It's no longer as constant as it was, but it is still difficult to manage, I still need to take medication for it occasionally and it's still horrible when it happens. With it comes exhaustion, because I was throwing up what I had eaten, everything I would typically eat made me feel sick or I just had an aversion to food because I felt like everything was going to make feel sick and I just wanted to not feel sick. There was a point where the only thing I could reliably consume was slushies and Quorn Chicken nuggets.

Everyone told me that once I got to a certain point (and this point changed so many times depending who I was speaking to and when) morning sickness would stop, and I think it stopped for about three or four weeks before it decided to come back, but I think that was partly the stress of trying to move when I could see the countdown to the baby coming was ticking away super quickly.

At twenty weeks we went for another scan and everything was all good, and that's when we were told we were having a little boy. We were both happy, but we had also discussed it and we were going to be happy as long as they had ten fingers, ten toes and weren't born in Burnley. To be fair, we could have got over missing fingers or missing toes... (It's a joke; my partner's from Blackburn. It's a thing.)

I'm not good with timelines because of the ADHD, but some time after the morning sickness paused and then came back I started struggling with pains from the growing bump that were later confirmed as pelvic girdle pain, so getting around has been pretty painful and I have to plan what I'm doing over the course of a week to make sure I have the energy and ability to get through all of the plans. Yes, I've been to physio, yes, I've tried resting, yes, I have a support belt, and no, none of these things have made it completely better. I'm managing, but that takes planning.

Recently I've been struggling more with anxiety and symptoms of ADHD, likely because of the amount of time I was off of ADHD meds. There is a lack of consensus between different areas of care in maternity, ADHD care and perinatal mental health care as to whether certain meds are safe and also whether it's better to have a certain level of risk to ensure the mother is doing okay. Thankfully everyone seems a bit better aligned for me at the moment, but it took a lot of time, a lot of appointments and a lot of messing about to get here, and there was a lot of other things going on at the same time that complicated matters. 

Since we did this last time. A boy! Yay! Do you know what you're going to name him?

We've got a good idea, yes, but it's something we don't want to share until we've met him. We're still debating over a middle name, but both agree he should have one, but I think we're pretty set on his first name. He already has a couple of nicknames too, one of which is just Little Man. I call him that a lot when I'm talking to him.

*Insert name here* is a good name...

I feel like this is what 90% of my male friends have said to me, and not only does it get old, I really don't know why my male friends think I'm going to name my son after them... People have made a lot of suggestions, and I'm sure we'll come to something that we like and that other people disagree with, but it will be our decision. 

When's your due date?

Late December and that's as specific as I'm being on the Internet, partly because babies are considered to be full term at 37 weeks, due dates are 40 weeks but first babies are known to go over and can be up to 2 weeks late, so there's a long stretch of time when he could arrive, even if he goes to term. 

Ooooh, Christmas Baby!! 

Yes, he's probably going to be born very close to Christmas and Christmas Day and Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are all in the mix for when he might arrive. Is it what I would choose? No. I think birthdays that are too close to Christmas are a bit disappointing because they get overshadowed, but we'll see what happens.

Have you looked at nurseries yet?

Urgh, this one is so depressing, but yes, I have. It felt strange to be booking him in at a nursery when he's not even here yet, but at the same time we knew where we wanted him to be going, so we had to get a move on getting him booked in. I'm really thankful for the additional provision that's been brought in, but it has meant that "competition" (I hate calling it that, but it's what it gets referred to as...) for places is ridiculous, so booking him in early was necessary. 

Oh, you're carrying *big *small *high *low etc.

Comments on my body have tended to be things like "oh, you're blooming" and I can't help but say something like "yeah, blooming huge..." but there have been a number of people who have told me I'm carrying in a certain way, and mostly they didn't even know me before I was pregnant, or previously in my pregnancy, so I really want to ask how they know or why they need to say anything about it. Honestly, the weather getting colder has been something of a blessing because I can just wear big hoodies and hide my body shape a bit/a lot.

Congratulations, You've Been Influenced,

I wrote in my last blog that there is a lot that I don' t know in this pregnancy, and I think it's somewhat obvious that it's been causing me a bit of anxiety and a bit of stress, but it's not just about all of the physical changes and everything that happens when labour turns a bump from a baby. One of the biggest influences in mental health, particularly poor mental health is social media. Whilst it can be a great source of information, and it has been great for me for being able to learn things about labour and post-partum that I didn't know before, it's also true to say that there are a lot of things out there that, whether they are made to do this purposely or not, there is so much content on the internet that promotes anxiety or the feeling of people not being good enough and I think this is amplified for parents. This might just be a situational thing because becoming a parent is both what is on my mind and on all of my feeds, but there is so much about everything you should be doing for you baby and their development, even before they have arrived and it's like there is a desire to instil Mum Guilt early.

Before I got pregnant I had read up about a Snoo, and it's the one thing that I feel like I wasn't "influenced" into feeling a certain way about. I read a lot of reviews about it, watched videos about what it is and how it works and why it works, and it's something that only appeared on my socials feeds very recently; months after we bought it. There are other things like nappies where I've relied on the advice of friends who are parents, but there has been a lot where we've had to make decisions despite feeling like we're in information overload with conflicting information that really amounts to nothing more than just people's opinions on products. There are so many things on the market and so many opinions about them, and whilst I understand that people parent in different ways and parenting fits into people's lifestyles in different ways I've always felt like there needs to be a 'right' answer for things, and that is really not the case with things like this. Some people swear by the Tommy Tippee nappy bin with the cassettes of bin liners in it, and other people say that they all smell so you might as well save yourself some money and just buy a cheap bin and scented liners. There are some people who think wipe warmers are vital, so the shock of a cold wipe doesn't startle their poor baby, but then there are others that roll their eyes at the mere mention of them, and other people still that suggest using a cold wipe to swipe across the baby's tummy before a nappy change to make sure that if they were holding in a pee, they do it before you change them to save that experience of them wetting a fresh on nappy and needing to start the whole process all over again. There are some who create a whole nursery, and others who suggest that changing tables are just not worth the money that you spend on them. 

I was ready for the idea that mothers were split into the camps of breast is best and fed is best, as in some people are evangelical about breast feeding and think that even when there are struggles, difficulties and such like, everyone should try to breastfeed and when it feels impossible, they should keep trying, and others who think the way that a baby is fed is more important, and somehow these two sets of people are pitted against each other. Worse still there are then camps for parents believing in vaccines and then so called anti-vaxxers, and they get pitted against each other, too, and whilst there is a lot of commonality if you plotted the two on a venn diagram then they wouldn't perfectly overlap, and the more things you add in the worse it becomes. It almost feels as though there is a need to split mums and parents into factions, and honestly, that feels scarier than anything. 

It feels like staying out of the debate isn't an option, but it also feels like trying to get information on anything is harder than ever because whilst there is so much out there 'content' wise, there's always a question of ulterior motives. People are either being paid by companies, or given freebies by companies, or they had expectations of one thing and it wasn't met and they want to go scorched earth on a company. People who are already parents will tell you something is brilliant because they're looking to sell their old things on, whilst I understand that, because a lot of these things are really expensive, it makes the task of 'finding the right answer' even more difficult. In the end, it's about making decisions you can live with and making the best decisions that you can.

I bought a pram that I knew was too big for my car, partly because I knew I wanted to change the car anyway, and partly because I wasn't overly convinced by the hype around the only sorts of prams that would fit into my car, let alone the price tags on them. Every time someone tells me that it's too big, too cumbersome, too heavy and I will regret it, I have to remind myself of how much I love it, both the design and the colours and everything. Every time someone tries pushing a different brand of nappies than we decided to go for, I'm trying to just smile, nod and just let it roll off of me. And every time I hear someone complain about types of wipes, types of nappies or types of bath products I try and remind myself that every parent is different and every baby is different. Some of these things are going to come down to generational differences, like how particularly since COVID new parents don't want people that don't live with their babies to kiss them, and don't want strangers to touch their babies whereas my grandparents generation just want to show love to all tiny humans, because it brings them joy. Some will be different priorities, things like disposable nappies being more convenient and reusables are more environmentally friendly, or some people choosing to not have photos of their children on social media and others posting something of a digital record for their child. People are bound to take advice from influencers and podcasts and such like, and unfortunately social media very often shows you content which either reinforces a view you already have, or similar types of posts and videos to what you have seen or engaged with before, but as long as we know it is an echo chamber and we can look for alternative information, it's not too much of a worry, but I guess I still worry about whether I have enough information, or too much, or who to believe, and there is always a temptation to turn my social media profiles off for a while to stop me from looking at them, because honestly, I think more often than not they just make me feel worse, but I probably won't. 

What Do You Not Know?

 Firstly, I've not written here much because the idea of writing about my pregnancy wasn't something I felt greatly comfortable with, and I would say that sharing my thoughts and feelings online has been becoming more and more uncomfortable for a while. For a while I think I've focused on writing about writing because it's something I can keep at least half a step away from myself, even though it's common knowledge that people very often poor their hearts into their writing.

I'm not really ready to talk about all of the other things which have been happening in the last few weeks and months, other than to say myself and the bump are doing okay, and the most of the stress that I have been going through has been to do with moving house, not moving house and the general process of buying and selling property which just kind of sucks.

One of the things I have been struggling with though is anxiety, and I think a lot of that is to do with how many things in pregnancy feel like an unknown. I have said a few times, if not a lot of times, that there are so many things I have only found out about pregnancy since being pregnant, and I'm pretty sure that there is a reason for that, and honestly, I think that reason is that if people knew some of it, they might question whether they wanted to get pregnant or have children. I'm not saying in any way that I regret little bump, because I don't, but I do know that I could have been far more mentally prepared for this than I was.

You might think, surely you reach a stage where you now know the things you didn't know, but there is so much uncertainty in a pregnancy that without a really good crystal ball or a time machine, there is no way you can find the answers until it happens.

Like I said, I'm not ready to rehash things from the beginning, so let's just go with the next bit I'm facing: birth. I was advised to go to an antenatal class about birth and I went, but I have been looking into a lot of things by myself, and there are some things I am certain about, like if everything goes well, delayed cord clamping sounds like a good idea because at least then bump is getting the benefit from that, but there is so much uncertainty, too. When will I go into labour? Is the bub going to be early, are they going to be late, or are they going to be one of the few babies that arrive on their due date? Is the baby going to have turned in time? (We actually know the answer to that one already; they have.) Are they going to be a girl or a boy? (We know the answer to this, too, and have been talking about it, but not going to share it online right now.) Are they going to suit the name or names we've been considering? (Some might think this is a weird one because babies look like babies, but that's my opinion, and no I don't have an answer for why some people would look at their child and call them Princess Fifi Trixibelle or Terry or whatever... the point of this post is that I don't have all of the answers.) 

A lot of the time you make decisions based on what you do know or what you think or what you feel, and honestly I think one of the reasons that a (I believe still growing) number of people opt for a C section is because it gives some degree of certainty around a birth. Yes, you have no idea how you're going to feel or react, but you have certainty around a date, generally, or a higher degree of certainty than you would have otherwise, and you can have some certainty around the person that you want with you being with you, because they can plan to be on leave from work etc because you know when it is most likely to happen. (I know, things can still go wrong like beds issues, staffing issues, illnesses which prevent you from having surgery etc, and you can still go into labour earlier than you had planned to...) Personally, I don't think it's something that I want, partly because I know the recovery is brutal and also the risks of things like infection or popping stitches etc just doesn't appeal to say the least.

One of the biggest things though is pain relief and a person's ability to cope with it or without it, but there is also the influence it has on other decisions. In my head I think I would, if it's possible, because there's no guarantee that it would be available, want to be the pool or a bath, because water makes me calmer and generally it is considered to be good at helping to manage pain, but being in the water means no strong drugs and also no epidural, and I'm not sure how well I'll cope with the kind of pain that I will be in. I have no concept of how contractions feel, other than the Braxton Hicks I think I've been having that could just have been strong movements by the bump, so it's difficult to say I absolutely don't want stronger forms of pain relief than gas and air. (Granted, I don't want to say absolutely not to anything, because every decision should be based on what's going on at the time. If the pain is enough that it's making me throw up or think I might throw up, a different kind of pain relief might be the best or only option.)

There are smaller worries that come with it all, like not knowing if you're going to have that cinema trope kind of gush of waters, or it be more like a trickle, and when that's going to happen so you can minimise all of the mess, or at least be carrying spare clothes and a towel if it's going to happen away from home... Worries like, will I have my hospital bag with me? (Just keep it close seems to be the best advice.) Will it have everything I need? (Best advice, it doesn't matter. If you really need something, it can be sourced and if it can't, you really can do without it, or you might just have to.) Have I packed too much? (Probably, but does it matter?) 

Essentially, there are a lot of unknowns and unknowables that make me feel quite stressed out, and one of the difficulties I have had over the last few weeks has been trying to write a 'birth plan' which is more like a list of preferences or suggestions rather than an actual plan, but that feels difficult to write down because how do you write down the uncertainty of I would much prefer not to have to do something or have something done, but if it comes to it and it's necessary (and where is the bar for necessary?) I'll reluctantly accept it. Sadly there are also some parts where I feel like I have too much information and I would have rather been kept somewhat in the dark about it. I know that medical shows like Grey's Anatomy and This Is Going to Hurt are purposely dramatic and they're either made up scenarios or they are hand picked from a bunch of mundane cases because they are interesting and a good storyline, but there are things I know from them that sadly I can't forget. 

I guess the upshot is there is a lot that I don't know and won't know for a while, and worrying about it won't change that, but I can understand why pregnant women worry, because there is so much that either is or feels very much out of our hands, so I can understand why there is so much hype behind dishes or Starbucks drinks that claim to help labour start, because it's the sort of thing that can just help someone feel a bit more in control of things.