The Recipe for Happiness,

If you've clicked on this link hoping for something akin to exactly what the title suggests, I am afraid you may be bitterly disappointed. The first thing I need to get out of the way is the idea that happiness can be achieved by a list of a few things, the same for everyone and puff, everything is perfect. Maybe not quite boiled down to this extent, but a lot of people seem to believe that this is the case. 

Happiness is something that I think about a lot, and it's something I've read a lot about. One of the reasons for that is that I have been working in Mental Health for approximately the last fifteen months (a year and a quarter - however you prefer to read it, the time line is the same) and part of it is the fact that I have my own mental health diagnosis. Something I have learnt because of both of those things is that happiness can be an elusive beast and we seem all to able to look back and see happiness in the past, but only be able to see our current misery. There is a reason for this. 

One of my big beliefs - other than God, true love and the fairies who are currently irritated that we don't have a garden - is that it is almost impossible to be permanently happy. That's not something which saddens me at all. I've studied philosophy for long enough to understand and accept the theory that "bad things" can simply be a privation of the thing we want. Darkness is simply the lack/absence of light, evil is the lack/absence of goodness (though I am far less sold on this one in particular) but I don't think that depression, or sadness, or any other synonyms you wish to use are solely down to a lack of happiness. I think they're something different and they're actually down to a lack of contentment.

The easiest way to describe it, I think, is that happiness is like an orgasm. For most people, it takes time, it takes some effort, whether by yourself or with someone else, and it's relatively short lived. Now, that's not to say that sex is boring, it's not to say that there is no pleasure or worth in it, but it's like happiness is that pinnacle moment, so really we need to look for something else. What is that feeling that we have before hand, at the same time as and following that pinnacle moment? That's when it's important to be content. 

I've heard of people talking about contentment as a bad thing. It's almost as though you're choosing to "settle" for something which is "lesser". There is a reason I have marked those two words out. There have been studies that show that the environment that we have created for ourselves within our society isn't structured to bring about happiness, and I think that part of that is because we have been designed to not be content. Think about it - how far out of your home can you get before you see an advertisement? And what is that advertisement there to do? To sell you insurance - firstly they've got to convince you that it's possible bad things will happen, and insurance is the only way to cope. How about make up? First, they have to convince you that the way you look anyway isn't good enough. Okay, what about clothes and cars and stuff? You need to be convinced that you either don't have enough stuff or it's the wrong stuff. It's the out of date stuff. Hurry up, get the next thing or you'll be left behind. We're in this environment where it's not about having enough to be content, or to be able to live easily or anything like that - there's a pressure to earn more money, to spend more money, to have more stuff and then to display it to everyone. How on Earth is that going to make anyone happy? It's even more momentary, even more fleeting, because you get the thing and then minutes later it's no longer good enough. 

I don't want to sounds like one of those pompous idiots who have revelations in the shower, but I was sat in my reading chair (the acquisition of which did actually provide me immense happiness, partly because it was cheap, it was second hand and it wasn't leather and also it was so perfectly the vision of what I wanted that I had to pinch myself to show I wasn't dreaming) and I was reading Jojo Moyes Me Before You and I realised that, as little as two months ago, I had been sat around elsewhere in the flat and I had been listless and restless and unable to decide what to do, but had no motivation to do anything. It was partly my diagnosis, it was partly my medication to deal with that condition and it was partly this idea that I was looking for something quick to make me happy. Even today, I was sat there wanting to devour that book and get to the ending - partly, I believe, because it is an excellent novel and I just love every second of it, but also partly because I am not perfect, and I think finishing the book will make me happy - but I could feel myself smiling. Granted, I wasn't over the moon elated, but I was, and am, content that I don't need to do anything more with my weekend than sit in a chair that I love, reading a book that I love, and I don't need to get out of my pjs yet, because I am content in this moment. Now maybe that's because it's the post-NaNoWriMo high or maybe because I spent some time with friends watching Christmas movies yesterday or maybe it's because I start a new job tomorrow, but I would like to think it's also a little bit because I've accepted that not every day can be an adventure, and actually, I can be happy right here. 


Also: Sorry I haven't been writing here a lot. There's a lot that I have wanted to write, but my anxiety has got in the way. I think I'm doing better now, so might be around a bit more. Catch you later. C x 

The Anxious Writer,

I'm sat here thinking about how tired I am already and the temptation is to go to sleep, but if I get into bed for a nap now then I won't get up until the morning and I really want to start writing tonight, because I finally have a goal in mind. The problem is that the anxiety is kicking my ass. 

Part of it is anxiety that I won't finish NaNoWriMo, even though I also know that that is not an option for me these days. Part of it is the anxiety that comes of looking at a blank page, but the great thing about the new software I downloaded is that it let's you put a graphic as the background stationary instead of just a blank page, which is comforting, and relaxing or could be inspiring. I'm really concerned that I may have taken on too much this year, but I also know that I need to use NaNo to build myself back to being okay. I need to do this to build my confidence back, because it took a massive knock recently. 

The thing is that anxiety does a couple of things when you're writing - some are horrendous, like making you doubt every single word. Some of the things it does though, some are amazing. I channel my anxiety through my writing. Writing soothes me and makes me deal with things that I haven't wanted to. It helps me to process things and that's what I love about it. Though, it does make me very snacky for sugary foods and coffee which is less than ideal since caffeine and sugar put anxiety into overdrive. 

This NaNoWriMo is going to be fun...

In a Perfect World,

I had this dream once, that I woke up and started writing, and everything just flowed perfectly. It sucks that this is most often a dream and not a reality, but in some ways it does have to feel like work. It doesn't need to feel like exerting a lot of effort, but if my emotions aren't involved, the characters are flat and that is fatal to a novel. 

30 days of the year my only real focus is writing. It is the centre of my universe, but that doesn't mean that the rest of the world stops spinning. In fact, as I have already admitted, this year is going to be busier than most. 

Tomorrow night will be the night to start it all and it will be like parachuting into the middle of the madness. And I just can't wait. 

A Girl's Gotta Do,

Sometimes in life there are things that you have to let go of, dreams that have to float away, and then sometimes there are things that you just have to do. 

Nine years ago I started "competing" in NaNoWriMo and a couple of years later heard about the wonders of The Night of Writing Dangerously. It's a fundraising event, but also a ridiculous amount of fun for all involved, but it's in San Francisco and there were always other things which seemed to take priority. Unfortunately this year will now be the last Night of Writing Dangerously, and I half convinced myself I could let it go. 

The problem was, I just couldn't. I'm really glad that I had the option to not give up on it, but it is also completely crazy to think that in less than five weeks time, I'm going to be flying to San Francisco.

I've got a plan for what I'll be doing for the week that I'm there (not in ridiculous amounts of detail, but enough to know what I'm doing) and it's kind of incredible. I'm going to be able to go to several NaNo events and have some time to explore a city that I've always had a bit of a romantic fascination with. 

I might not end up writing very much in terms of blogs when I'm over there, but I'm hoping to get a lot of writing done! Anyway, more on this later! 

It's That Time of Year Again,

Ah, October. How have you come around so fast? I would swear it was only a small number of weeks ago that we were ushering in 2018 and now we're almost putting on it's coat ready for it to leave. Whilst I will, probably in December, be writing a 'where did the year go' post, this is not it. 

I've always loved October. It's my brother's birthday, which was amazing when I was little because my parents called it my un-Birthday (and the same for my brother on my birthday) so we got a present on each other's birthdays. It was kind of cool. After that my favourite holiday was always Halloween. I loved dressing up as "something scary" and I loved the chocolate and the sweets. I still love Halloween. I still love dressing up. I never really hit the Americanised "slutty animal" costume phase, but my costumes tend to be comical in a different way these days, such as the university Pikachu, because a friend was dressed as Ash and it gave my an excuse to jump on his back and scream Pikachu all evening. I stopped short of getting those zapper rings and giving people electric shocks, though deeply regretted it later because that would have been awesome. 

Several years ago though, when I was about 16, I met my soulmate in competition form and started a long term relationship with National Novel Writing Month. It takes over my life in November and has been responsible for some of the very best (and one of the very worst) times in my life. The best advice I can ever give anyone - BACK UP YOUR NOVEL!! CONSTANTLY!! Since that day, October 31st is terrifying and exciting for a whole other reason. As soon as midnight strikes, the witches and wizards and aliens and heart throbs and everything else come out and the literary abandon begins. We do crazy things like eating pizza for breakfast and staying up all night writing. We forsake our communications with friends, family and other loved ones for a single goal - write the novel.

I've started thinking of October now as NaNoAdvent. It is the time where I stock up on pizzas and snacks that will hopefully tide me through at least the first week (though normally I tear through them in a mad panic in the first few hours...)

So this is it - Nano2018 is nearly upon us. It's time to brace yourself!

You Won't Like Me When I'm Angsty,

I'm suddenly hyper aware of how I sometimes write these things in such a rush, and on a computer that doesn't have Grammarly watching for mistakes over my shoulder and it's starting to bother me...

When I get angsty, or passionate or generally riled up about something, punctuation gets missed, spelling is off, and unfortunately I commit the cardinal sin of not closing brackets around separate clauses. I know, it's really triggered. It's horrendous. My only excuse is that I don't realise when I'm doing it!!

Tonight I read back over the post on here that has been read the most times, and for one thing, I would like to apologise most sincerely for all of the errors, but for another, I recognised a passion within myself that is sometimes absent of late. It was both wonderful and heartbreaking to see because the girl that wrote that looks a lot stronger than the girl in the mirror today and that's a very hard reality to face, 

But then I have to remind myself of the conversation that I had with a work colleague today about Parkrun. Some people might want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, but I want to drag the entire world out of bed and to their local parks for 9am on a Saturday morning and get them to walk, jog or run, even if they don't do the full 5k.

Running is amazing exercise, is great for your mental health and the fresh air is good for you, too. You don't have to love running, you don't even have to like it, you can like seeing the same people week after week, watching them and yourself improve, seeing the community that has been created by some really amazing people. You could tail walk, or be the lead bike, or the photographer and help other people strive to achieve their goal, whether it be to run an ultra marathon or just trim a couple of inches off of their waist line. 

You can bring dogs and kids, even in pushchairs. People of all ages are welcomed and people will support you. Everyone had to find their starting line. It's getting people into parks too, which I hope makes people see the problem that litter causes and makes them clean up after themselves or others, but also, using that green space is a way of protecting it. Okay, having a few hundred runners thundering over sections of grass week on week might not be great for individual blades of grass, but we know that land is at a premium, so it's not too hard to believe parks could be downsized or removed entirely if they are seen to be unused. 

Basically, ParkRun is a healthy, free, family-friendly, fun experience and I can't really see any downside except perhaps the early alarm clock!

Why Do I Have To Write This,

Okay, first thing - I know I don't have to write the blog and I don't have to write about specific subjects, but my God this needs saying over and over and over again and I feel the need to say it. 

When I woke up this morning there was a really great post on my Facebook feed. It was about the way two women had supported each other when they were out at night and they felt they were in a dangerous situation.

I thought it was incredible that, despite being able to leave that situation sooner, the second woman stayed around long enough that she knew the first one, the one who wrote the post, was safe, too, because that is the world that we live in. Women need to be a community. Women need to have each other's backs. Now, that isn't to say that everybody else doesn't need that - different races, religions, sexualities, ages, and list goes on, suffer abuse or vulnerability simply because they left the house. Sometimes it happens before they leave the house. This story should be an inspirational look at community within a vulnerable group and in some ways be celebrated even though we should also be able to hold it up as an example and say that this is what society and rape culture pushes us to. 

Things went downhill really fast when I went on the fool's errand of looking at the comments section. In my total ignorance I was hoping for more similar stories, but what happened was idiots. Idiots are a fact of life, unfortunately, but that doesn't make them an easier cross to bear. 

The main issue seemed to be the idea that these two women have labeled the man who made them uncomfortable as dangerous. Maybe that's the word that the original poster used, I can't remember, but hell if that's the label in your mind then go with it, but I always think of it as that person is a risk. In your mind, you constantly do risk assessments, and where someone falls on that scale of risk assessment means a lot to you and really, unless you go out of your way to tell them where they sit, it shouldn't mean a whole lot to them for them to get offended by it. The only time it should mean a lot to them, is if they think their behavior is fine but they want to reassess so that they don't make the same error again and make someone else feel uncomfortable. This happens, but it's rare. 

So, we're risk-assessing and then we do this thing of either saying, green, everything's cool, or there's something we need to do about this situation to minimize or eliminate that risk. Either it's an amber situation, and you call someone and loudly tell them where you are, or you find someone to be your buddy, or it's a red situation, and you get the hell out of there by the nearest available safe route. You order an Angel Shot or Ask for Angela. You use the escape methods that society is oh so very slowly (painfully, painfully slowly) realizing the need for and you get out of that situation. The labeling of the other person is not what is important right then - the important thing is that YOU FEEL SAFE. And there are people that still don't get that. 

One of the comments and this really makes my blood boil, but one of the comments said, but he's not done anything. Oh, okay, so at one point am I allowed to feel unsafe? What point of him doing something is it acceptable for me to need help to get out of that situation? Is it when he puts his hands on me, whether he thinks it's friendly or not? Is it when he's following me, and I'm thinking, he's going to know where I live. He's going to realize I live alone. Or is it not until he's committed some sort of criminal activity and I'm suffering the consequences. I'm making this first person for a reason. This is always personal. 

How is it acceptable that even in a court of law, we can talk about the way we felt as part of a decision-making process in something as serious as Critical Incidents? We can talk about making a decision based on the information we had at the time, but we can't do that in day to day life? Yes, he's not done anything illegal yet, he's not physically put me in harm's way, but he's also not done anything to make me feel safe. Why should I implicitly trust this person when I feel unsafe and I know that it's likely that he could overpower me if he wanted to. The information I'm working off of might be vague, but whilst some commenters were crying, YOU HAVE NO REASON TO MISTRUST THIS MAN, part of me wanted to and did, and I'm not even sorry, scream back BUT I HAVE NO REASON TO TRUST HIM EITHER! There was a comparison to labeling your male family members as dangerous - SOMETIMES, THEY ARE. 

I'm lucky. The worst we have in my immediate family are some people that are really annoying, but some people are not so lucky. Whether that be the case or not, we should not be required to trust Joe Public because he's not done anything until the point he does. Feeling scared, or nervous or anxious is valid and if you see someone feeling like that you have a choice. I would hope that I try to always go the way of the second woman in this story and help that person to mitigate the risk that they feel, or would do something to make them feel safe. I would hope to always be that person, partly because people have done it for me, and I've seen situations where they haven't. Being overcautious is not a problem. If that's what we need to do to feel safe, why is it seen as one?