What Happened Last Week,

I'm writing this still sporting my wedding nails and really struggling, because instead of typing with the ti pop my finger like I am used to, I have to angle my fingers differently and use the pad of my finger so I don't either snap a nail, which is painful, or feel like I'm peeling the nail off of the nail bed, which is excruciating, so bare with. 

Is that the reason last week's blog schedule went out of the window? No, of course not.

So why did it?

Honestly, the last few weeks I have been struggling with what to say. 

Before the wedding happened I had all of these things I wanted to write about but without giving away all of the details of the big day, because several of my friends who attended read my blog. I did think I might post them in the post wedding era, but honestly, I didn't even want to write them anymore, let alone post them. And now, post wedding, I don't feel the need to write and share as much about it as I thought I might.

It's not even that it didn't go to plan - it did - or that there was loads of drama - there wasn't - but certain people have made me feel very watched in a bad way, and like they are try to pry into my life no matter what I do to prevent it, and it's uncomfortable. This blog has always been about being able to share what I want to, what I write and what I think in a way that's comfortable, but the truth is that the discomfort I have been feeling around those people and the sort of access they are trying to force into my life and my son's life is making writing this somewhat less comfortable and that is something I am truly devastated about. Trust me, I don't want to give this up, but withdrawing more from it might be on the cards because I just don't want those people having information about my family, because it seems to make them think they have some sort of access.

Maybe I'm just naive but I don't like relationships which are only one sided - where people only want to be involved with me or have a relationship when they want something, even if that is just an invite to my wedding, or when people try and pretend like we're close to get those things, or when their relationship with me is simply there to facilitate a relationship with my son. He is an exceptionally loving little boy, but if people think they can be mean or dismissive or rude to me and then still expect a relationship with my son, they must be from another planet, or you would think so. 

So yes, what to say, how much to say and whether to say anything has been very much on my mind the last few weeks and it's something I have been struggling with but I don't have a solution right now.