Enough,

A few weeks ago I started drafting a blog about the phrase 'eating for two'. In the end, I didn't post it because it felt a little bit too much like a word police kind of rant because as a phrase it kind of rubs me up the wrong way. The other thing is that I feel like anything and everything I write is somewhat garbled at the moment because I'm juggling this new normal of baby brain, unmedicated ADHD, apparent lack of sleep and the new one this week of struggling with some form of virus. Anyway, I am endeavouring to post this and hoping it makes some sort of sense.

It's something past midnight as I'm starting to write this and instead of being upstairs, tucked up in my bed trying to catch up on the sleep I have missed out on over the last week because of this virus, I'm sat downstairs at the kitchen table eating a sandwich and pondering a question which centres around 'Am I enough?'

I'm sure that it's something all mothers - maybe even all parents - contend with, but at the moment it's not the focus of, do we have enough nappies for when they first arrive (I think so), do we have enough clothes (nope, nothing like), have we got enough blankets for a winter baby (I'm still knitting one...) but a specific focus of am I eating enough? 

For a lot of weeks I was plagued by aggressive morning sickness that's made me vomit, given me food aversions and made me cry more than once. I've had so much advice over all that time, and some has worked, and some hasn't. One of the midwives told me it was basically a license to eat beige food and the baby would still get everything that they needed, so not to worry, and that helped, others have suggested ginger biscuits and dry crackers, which even the thought of either makes me want to toss my cookies.

As it's been a long time since I've been eating properly (as in portion size) I'm now struggling a little to be able to eat a full plate full, so having to split meals down which is easy enough in the house, but not so easy when I'm out.

Today, despite having been out for a roast dinner, I was trying to figure out if I was hungry as I was getting ready for bed (it's not unusual for me not to be sure, apparently misunderstanding hunger signals can be an ADHD thing) and had to try and track what I had eaten on a calorie counting app to realise I was well short of what I should have eaten. Although I'm overweight (and was before the pregnancy) the midwives have told me a few times that I have lost some weight since I was referred to the maternity services and I shouldn't really do that (READ: REALLY SHOULDN'T DO THAT!) so I really need to try and make sure I'm eating what a 'standard adult' should as well as a bit extra since I'm already in my second trimester. 

So there it is, another thing for me to worry over. Am I eating enough? Am I eating the right things? Is my little human getting everything that they need from me and am I getting everything I need to be ready for when they arrive? Who really knows? All I can do is try my best and hope that's enough, but I guess that's what all parents do, isn't it?

How To Say This,

I've been thinking about how to say this for the last few weeks, if not a bit longer, and I finally decided that this was the best way, because this blog has always been the bit of a keyhole into my life so I guess this is the most appropriate platform... And yet, I still have no words for it.

Okay, so maybe it's a little bit early, because most people wait until they have their anatomy scan, where they can typically find out if their little they (how are people so happy to call a baby it??) is a girl or a boy, you know, if they want to know, but I have been too excited about this for weeks already to not share it. In case you've not cottoned on yet, my partner and I are expecting a baby.

It's so strange because we've known for months (the bare minimum that it takes to be able to use the word months, but months all the same) and have essentially been told to restrict who we talk to about it until we're into the second trimester, and I understand that,  I really do, but I have also wanted to raise a banner and wear a sash to say something like 'precious cargo', 'mama to be' or something similar even though things like that really give me the ick. I've wanted to shout it from the rooftops because the general consensus is that news of a baby is good news and it is news which should be shared.

Sharing this news always comes with a myriad of questions, so here they are and here's the answers, or as much as I am happy to share on a public forum:

When are you due?

Winter/late 2025. 

Do you know what you're having yet?

No, we don't. We've had the 12 week scan, and everything was good as far as we've been told, but at that stage of development, foetuses don't have external genitalia which can indicate the sex of the baby. 

Were you trying?

This is such a weird question. It's so strange that in the context of pregnancy people feel okay to ask about your sex life. 

Were you surprised?

Honestly, yes, because whether you are trying or not, and again, stop asking people that, but the answer doesn't matter in whether you are/were surprised when it happened, because it can be surprise that it's happened at all, surprised at the timing because of the stresses of life and other things happening at the same time, or because you've only just started trying, or you've been trying for ages and nothing was happening or because you weren't trying. 

Are you happy?

Whilst I appreciate that some people might think that if you're sharing the news of a pregnancy then the answer to this question must be a yes, it isn't always. I actually quite like this as a question because it gives you the opportunity to respond with the right sort of energy and support. If someone is shocked or overwhelmed, hyperactive Tigger energy is going to add to their discomfort, but if they're really happy and you're response seems a little deflated, that can be really tough to take as well, and being pregnant can be hard enough as it is. 

Yes, I'm happy. We're both happy. 

Do you have a name picked out yet?

Nope. We've tentatively agreed to defer this until after the next scan so we only have one list of names to bicker over. (I'm mostly kidding), but I think we might also be one of those couples who reserve the right to change their minds when the baby is born because you need to meet the baby before being sure about their name or risk their name just not suiting them. 

Can I touch your bump?

Okay, so no one has asked me this one yet, but someone did touch my stomach (in the wrong place for where the baby is and they are very lucky I was behaving that day) because I don't like to be touched, for one thing, but for another, just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean my body is suddenly under public ownership. Anyone should ask before touching someone who is pregnant, but also, don't ask to touch the bump, wait to be asked. If you're not being asked, it's probably because the person who is pregnant doesn't want to be touched. Maybe I'll feel differently when they start to kick and when those kicks can be felt by someone who is not me, but trying to touch my belly doesn't help my baby bond with you, it makes me want to start breaking fingers... 

I get that I might sound like a grouch with this, but there are already a lot of things where my body doesn't feel like my own in this "process" so adding to that is just not advisable for other people and not acceptable for me.

Have you announced it on Facebook?

No, I haven't, and neither has my partner. It's been a bit of a strange one, because as I said earlier, you're advised not to share it too widely before twelve or thirteen weeks, but an alarming number of people had guessed, and also with the wild amount of nausea I was having, we shared with a few people before that time because they were around us so often that they would have soon figured it out anyway. 

After that we kind of went through a list of people we didn't want to find out via social media, and really, that list was a lot longer than we expected it to be, with more people added to it as we spoke to them. The awesome thing with that has been that 99% of people know it's happy news and have been extremely happy for us, which has been a joy. 

It's not just about the number of people we thought should find out in a different way than a post on social media, but I have struggled to find the words to speak about them sometimes, so trying to figure out what to say on Facebook or similar has been difficult, and I knew before I had the scan that I didn't want to share photos of the scan in any way. To me, that's a part of my medical data and I don't want it to be out there on the internet for potentially anyone to see or access. 

Is it twins?

I got asked this so many times before the scan, and I really needed to stop answering with 'Oh God I hope not' but I was hoping not! I didn't think I would cope with twins and I still don't think I would, but the sonographer told us there is only one, we just don't know their sex, so they're they rather than it. 

Why Would You Want To Keep Them,

 A few days ago the somewhat inevitable news that NaNoWriMo was going to go down was given and honestly, it's been a bit difficult to sort through the feelings that have come up in the wake of that. It's one thing to know that it exists still, but it's not what it was, but it's something else entirely to think of it being gone for good... 

I spoke to friends and we discussed that the grieving process started for a lot of us way back in 2023, for some even longer ago than that, but this has something of a finality to it. Instead of waiting for someone to steer the ship back onto course, we have to accept that it's gone and it likely will never be seen again. When I didn't take part in anything resembling NaNoWriMo in 2024 I expected that it was unlikely I would ever visit my NaNo account again, but today I decided that there was still a reason to go back, and it was better to do it sooner rather than later rather than potentially miss the chance. 

What I wanted to keep was the record of what I had written and when. I wanted to keep the records of things that I had tried, things I had written and the graphs that came with them, because there were some pretty amazing achievements in there.

Granted, I hope the memory of finishing in 5 days and smashing the Staples 'Easy' button, to make it say 'That was easy' in the middle of the cafe in a bookstore (I think it was a Waterstone's) and saying 'no, it f-ing wasn't', or the many crazy memories of the All Night Lock In, whether it was in The Big Green Bookstore or the different Scout sites we used later, or the awesome friends I made through NaNoWriMo, or that trip to San Fransisco... 

But yes, I went back to screen grab some of the good memories, and maybe it was a way for me to say goodbye and accept that it's over. Maybe.