What's For Tea?,

Some people are probably not aware of the fact that I have a lot of anxiety around food because I have a lot of anxiety about talking about my anxiety around food, so I just don't a lot of the time, but I've been trying to more in appropriate places and at appropriate times because I think it helps the scouts that I work with know that they can talk to me about their issues with food and know that I won't push them on things they're not comfortable on since I get it. Before you say, nobody would, trust me, I've been there and I've seen it handled badly.

Naturally, when it gets to a certain point in an evening, the conversation between most couples or families or sets of roommates if they eat together is to ask what's for tea or what do you fancy for tea, or what are we making for tea etc. We used to follow that question up with the word Mum because even when she wasn't making it, she was always the one deciding what we were having etc because she did the shopping and knew what was in the house. Yeah, we were kind of lazy. For Paul and I, it's a bit more complicated.

I've been a vegetarian for over two decades (yes, it really has been that long) and whilst I've taken part in Veganuary a couple of times I have never thought I could seriously go vegan for any long period of time, so much so that when our baby was having issues and it looked like either lacotse intolerance or CMPA (spoiler alert: it was CMPA) I had a good cry over the fact that I would have to stop breast feeding or pumping at all because I just knew that I couldn't drop all dairy from my diet to make sure that my breast milk was safe for Little Man. That might sounds selfish, but most of the protein in my diet is from things like eggs and cheese, and whilst I had at one stage got myself off drinking 'normal' milk in tea and coffee and started drinking Oatly, it's something I stopped a long time ago, and when I've tried to transition back to it, I just can't make myself do it. There is a taste difference and the longer it's been since I drank oat milk regularly, the more it tastes somewhat porridgy to me and it kind of ruins my drinks.

All that being said, Little Man is now of an age where he's starting to have bits of food and it's quite nice to be able to give him bits of things we're having, but that's not very possible given his allergy, so anything I'm making feels like I'm making three different versions of so we can all eat, or we're having to make two or three different dinners to get everyone fed and meet everyone's needs which is honestly making life much more complicated and I'm not even back at work yet! So here's hoping that it doesn't take little man too long to work his way through the milk ladder and outgrow his allergy to milk, butter, cheese, cream and all the other good things in life, particularly because most dairy free chocolate sucks. 

Well, That Was Clever,

There are decisions that people make that from the outside, other people can't help but look at and think, how does that work? Or how does that make sense? And honestly, most of the time it's because the reasons for something are completely different because we all have different perspectives and it can take a while for these things to be visible. Obviously, I have an example. 

Next year I will have been vegetarian for around twenty years, so we're past the point it's been over half of my life and a few other significant milestones. With everything with the pregnancy I've also been confronting a lot of my issues around food and the fact that even if I don't have an "eating disorder" in the classic sense of anorexia or bulimia, I definitely struggle with disordered eating and it's most likely connected to the fact I have ADHD, or possibly the fact that several of my mental health team have stated it's highly likely I'm also autistic.

It would be completely untrue to say that I didn't have symptoms of this prior to going vegetarian, but most of them were seen as me just being a fussy eater, but I'm not sure if the problems got better or worse when I went veggie. 

The thing is, I'm not good with change. Quorn and other meat replacements are pretty good because they are consistent and being consistent and reliable is a good thing for me. Knowing what to expect and being able to expect that every time eases some of the anxiety around food. The problem is over the last twenty years a lot of different brands have come into the UK market and released products that have been varying degrees of awful or incredible, but these products don't often stick around. I could write an ode of love to the faux prawn sandwich that Aldi brought out a few years ago; that thing was beautiful. They also previously made a faux smoked salmon that I adored, which came back for Veganuary and then seemed to stay, but I haven't seen it in a little while (but we're on the eve of Veganuary again so hopefully it'll be back in soon...) but equally there was a tuna replacement that I tried once that made me gag and Linda MacCartney sausages taste like rubbish to me because they're too dry and gross. I'm also not big on their freezer mock duck, but the tinned stuff in gravy by Granovita was just incredible, and even that has disappeared. There was the Like Meat Schnitzel, too, there one day and then gone the next... 

I understand that this is because these products get launched and there will be others like me that are reluctant to try them, or that are priced out of some of them because some veggie products are expensive and then there's the really annoying one of products being developed using egg whites, because apparently they're an industry byproduct, so products can be made more cheaply, but then vegans can't/ won't have them, and when it's something like Quorn Fishes Fingers or the other parts of their fish range that died a dead, pescatarians won't eat them either, because they'd just eat the fish... 

Within all of this you've also got the group of vegetarians who don't use meat replacements for various reasons (not liking the taste or the texture of meat, the dishes that they typically cook for themselves not 'requiring' a meat substitute etc) and those who go vegetarian for health reasons, who look on a lot of meat replacement products as they would chicken nuggets - too processed and too beige, so making a new product work in the vegetarian market is HARD. There are some places that do it incredibly well and some that try and fall on their asses, but even the really good ones aren't guaranteed to last. I don't think it's that many years ago (but my ability to timeline isn't brilliant) that Temple of Seitan in Camden was potentially going to shut, and that would have been a total shame because they are beyond incredible!! 

So, what does this have to do with me? Honestly, it's mostly the fact that even when I try new products, which can be a pain to make myself do, then there's no point getting overly attached to something brand new, because the likelihood of it serving long term is... well, it's not great. Though if people avoid it so as not to get attached to it in case it disappears, it definitely will...

Being vegetarian limits my food choices and when I struggle with food anyway, it was probably not the best decision, but it's a decision I made because of loving animals as opposed to hating meat, so the lack of logic between all the change in the vegetarian food market/ scene and my ND brain not coping with change and remembering how good LikeSchnitzel was however many years later wasn't even a little bit of a consideration back then. Now it's just annoying... 

I Will Not Vent, I Will Not Vent, I Will Not,

Screw it, I'm not even going to finish that sentence because I know that I can't stick to it... Let's just get this over with. 

I am fed up. I am MASSIVELY fed up, and I am annoyed that when I try and vent my fed-up-ness it gets put down to rant-y women or rant-y vegetarians or event just rant-y environmentalists. Yeah, aren't all of the above people such butt holes for wanting to make the world a less crappy place? Anyway, this is not about that, this is about: 

REALLY STARBUCKS, REALLY??? 

Okay, so forget for two minutes that Starbucks is expensive. Forget for a minute that a lot of people cannot afford to buy food, let alone the luxury that is take out coffee (because I can only keep a lid on the lava of my personality if I only have a Venti Mocha Chocolate Rant about one thing at once. Single shots, people. (I'm sorry. I'm funny in my own head!) 

Taking all of the above off the table and any other issues you have with Starbucks (be it tax avoidance or them charging London Fire Brigade staff for water during the July bombings, because I know that was also pretty unforgivable) and having a clean slate: why is it my problem as a consumer to carry around a reuseable cup to use in your cafe? Okay, it's a five pence charge and actually that makes most of your drinks cost an even whatever instead of me getting five pence pieces in my change (I don't, because I live in London and never really carry cash, but just go with it for a second) but Starbucks, why is this my issue? 

I know, you've tried to make it easy for me by making a reuseable cup with your "legendary" design, it's only a pound and there is normally a basket of them sitting somewhere where I can conveniently grab one in the store. You're even so nice as to offer me a 25 pence "discount" if I reuse this or any other reusable cup, but actually, it's five pence. I'm probably only going to give a monkey's left proverbial because you haven't previously charged me for this and we all hate price hikes. And Starbucks, I know it's not just you. Pret do the same damn thing (actually, in some ways they are worse, because they provide biodegradable cutlery only in their Veggie stores and not across the whole brand and still called it a trial on Facebook the other day despite the fact that veggie Pret has been open for a significant period of time (not completely sure if it's one or two years on the original place now, but still - how long is this blooming trial???

My big issue is, it's a token effort. I hate token effort. 

Suppliers of biodegradable and compostable cups and lids and cutlery all exist. Instead of encouraging a behaviour change in your consumers which is unlikely to have a big enough effect to prevent whales from starving to death with stomach's full of plastic bags of us using a ridiculous amount of landfill to essentially bury and forget about our sins, why not just make the change yourselves? Okay, so not every cup is going to go into a compost pile, there might still be a significant number ending up in the ocean, but at least it's not made of something that is likely to outlast the sun. At least it is far less damaging than what we currently have. 

Or how about, do both? 

How about you switch to these kind of cups and lids and cutlery and other packaging and then say, we screwed up. We as humanity screwed up when we started to rely on plastic, because it was easy. And to pay for our screw ups, we are going to donate money from every drink sold to research into sustainable resources, or ocean clean up projects. Hell, we're even going to get rid of our plastic gift cards and find something more sustainable there, too? 


I'm quite lucky that I can get this out of my system. I read an article over the weekend that fish even at a very deep sea level have ingested micro beads and plastic, and they can't get it out of their systems. I know I mentioned this earlier but a whale died because it had 30 plastic bags in its stomach last year and it was assumed that it starved to death. This is madness. This is utter madness. I don't give a flying **** (I can't replace that word right now, I'm livid) about token effort right now!! 

I feel the same way about the plastic bag charge as well and straws - don't even get me started on straws...

(taking deep breathes for a second)

I know we have some level of choice in these issues, because we can use reusable cups and just make the effort, same with bags, and we use them for their lifetime and it's LESS plastic (because ultimately as lot of the alternative bags for life and reusable cups are also plastic) but there are alternatives. Companies could choose to make a real difference and inevitably I don't feel that they put in enough effort. 

I know that they're not going to read this, but I just had to get it off my chest. #rantover

I Never Thought That,

Someone that was here when I grew up recently reminded me of how naive I used to be. Much as I would love to point out she didn't know me then and definitely doesn't now, I guess that there is a certain amount of truth in it and maybe still is...

A perfect example of that happened today. 

I had always assumed that people who abused animals knew what they were doing, and they knew it was wrong, but they did it anyway for unknown reasons. I thought I would never see someone do this, because why would they? Why would you abuse an animal in front of an animal lover? Or better, why would you do it at all? 

As I have mentioned before, I gave up eating meat over a decade ago and that was because I love animals. I love them all - maybe not equally, but still. And before anyone says anything spiders do not count; especially if they are in my bedroom. HOWEVER, when my dog is sick, I cook chicken for him, because it's what he needs to get better. (Bloody shih-tzus and their rubbish stomachs.) Even when he is well, I will put his dinner out which is basically meat, meat, more meat, bit of rice, some veg and blend. I don't take issue with this, because I know that dogs would pretty much always choose a meaty option over a veggie option. I love him enough to get over the whole handling meat thing, for him, even if it's not ideal for me. 

Now today I was walking the little fluff, and he has been really vocal in his disapproval of certain other dogs. Not being with him 24/7, I don't know all of the dogs that he has an issue with, so I'm being somewhat overcautious with the bigger ones that could actually do some damage to him. That being said, I make sure he is within grabbing distance so if he starts something, I can finish it. 

Today we came across a man with two big dogs. He has one lead in each hand, but the dogs looked like they were trying to pull him in half, meaning it was a little bit difficult to get Ted out of the way, but as we approached and I pulled Teddy into a short lead, he did pull the one on our side closer to him to give us space to give him a wide birth. Now, Ted wasn't always so yappy with other dogs, and this mouthing off hasn't come from a specific event so far as we can tell, so I'm trying, the best that I can, to socialise him a bit better and hopefully calm him down a little bit, so I let him approach the dogs for a sniff, until they all started barking at each other, and one of the other dogs - thankfully the one who was furthest away from us - started growling. 

Like I said, I keep Teddy in grabbing distance, so he was away from them quickly, I had the hold of the back of his harness and then he was in my arms within seconds and then I was getting us the heck back to the house. I looked back because I could hear the guy yelling at his dog, which I already thought was a bit unnecessary, but what I saw then made it worse. Not only did he hit the dog twice, he then started whipping the dog, who was cowering on the floor, with the lead of the other dog who he had, by then, let off of the lead.

After the whole thing of reporting this to the appropriate people, I still couldn't get it off my mind, because I can't help but feel that any time you have to hit your animal to regain some semblance of control over it, you have failed as a pet parent. And if you feel the need to not only use your hands, but employ some form of weapon against your animal, then you are the problem, not the animal. If that dog has previously gone to bite other animals or a person, why on Earth does he not walk him in a muzzle? Why on Earth does he walk him on a pathway which is highly frequented by dog walkers? This happened on the same day as another dog walker went off this path with a muzzled greyhound when he saw other dogs in the area. 

I know for some people that this might be a small issue, but it is just the latest in a line of crappy things and it's also one of the small things that add together to be a big issue. The way we treat animals and women and the environment and communities and property, well all of it adds up. Okay, so smacking your dog for growling and going for a smaller dog is nowhere near as bad as intensive farming or the killing of sea life which occurs in several countries around the globe, but it's the same problem attitude that women are lesser. Telling women that they belong in the kitchen as a joke and allowing girls to be married and have children in their early teens aren't the same thing, but both are products of the belief that gender has a bearing on our value, purpose and abilities (shouldn't have to say this, but IT ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T!!!!) Dropping litter does not equate to dropping bombs anywhere you fancy, but you kind of see where I am going here... 

Anyway, my point is that the little things matter, be they animal, vegetable or mineral. Catch you later. 

Painting the Roses Red,

I titled this a couple of days ago and I've been damned by the curse of brain farting that I do not know what I was going to attempt to say. 

This week has been dragging for me. It was broken up a little in the middle with an impressive interview which I will hopefully hear from soon, but I know that the most part of it was because I've been having to Google a lot of things about legal contracts and go back and forth between researching and advice and the yada yada ya. At the beginning of the week, I spoke to the Citizens Advice Bureau, and their person could not have been less helpful if he was trying. 

On the plus side, I'm doing reasonably well with cutting down the amount of milk I'm drinking, which is a big deal considering the fact that I drink a lot of coffee. I did see a video that kind of ground my gears a bit, because it basically stated that all veg*s (so, vegans and vegetarians) are the loud, outspoken types. Hi - I've never actually dated another vegetarian. 

I'm not a massive anomaly here, but it is true that when living with a veg* person, many people do actually cut the amount of meat/dairy products they consume, purely because it tends to be the other person doing the shopping/cooking, or it's easier to both have the same thing, and I accept that. HOWEVER, there are also those of us who don't shout about how everyone should do the same thing, and hate the people who do probably more than meat eaters do. 

I would just like to point out that I celebrated both my 21st birthday and my graduation in a steak house, because they do amazing food that doesn't have meat in (who knew!) and I bloody love Nando's, but I hate the surprise, and reluctance, on the faces of my dining companions because they seem to think I'm going to start - I don't know - throwing paint around or making animal noises. I don't know. 

The thing is, I accept that cows have been bred to be in a field for a limited amount of time, to produce milk and to then become burgers, I just don't want to be part of that. My decision. Your decision. (See that, they're both separate!) 

REASON FOR THE RANT:

Worse than someone shoving a burger down my throat (well, maybe not, because that I would probably choke on...) is someone jamming their opinion down my throat. (You came to my blog, you knew what you were doing, you did this to yourself!) 

I accept that I have a lot of opinions, but I don't mind people disagreeing with me. In fact, it is quite fun. What I hate, and what makes me quite loud, annoying and occasionally very rude, is people twisting my words, or jamming their opinion down my throat as if it is the only way of thinking.

If you have to argue it into objectivity, it is not objective. Objectivity is fact. The only thing which is objective about your opinion is that it is your opinion.

Decision Not Yet Made,

Last week I was writing about the possibility of making what could be major life decision, then I had another one pretty much dropped on me, so it has been bumped down the list like a few of my literary priorities. 

I have been having a long think about it, though, and that has brought me to the conclusion that several of my friends are correct and that going at this like a bull at a gate like I did with becoming a vegetarian, because otherwise I'm going to make myself ill like I did by not keeping an eye on my iron levels. 

What I am doing is stopping drinking actual milk, which is harder than I had thought it would be because tea does not taste the same with any other form of milk (and soy milk, which is most widely available, is most definitely not beautiful) and tea is a big deal to me, but it's important.

I'm not going to go on a big rant about why milk is bad and why it sucks that it's going to take time for Quorn to move their ranges away from using something from eggs that's considered as an industry byproduct, to a more expensive vegan ingredient, but I do feel the need to argue against something I recently read on Facebook. 

A lot of people who make a lot of noise about "preachy" vegetarians/vegans are actually pretty "preachy" about eating meat. The latest thing I have read from any of them was an article which essentially argued that vegetarians and vegans are responsible for animal deaths, too, because of the way we farm in this country and the wildlife which it affects. One of my friends describes it as a sliding scale - yes, we have an impact on the lives of other species, but we're significantly reducing that impact. 

Personally, I think it's more like living as closely to your ideas as humanly possible. In order to live in London, I have to accept that I can only afford to do a certain amount of things. I can't have a compost bin because I don't have a garden, I can't have a pet because of my contract, and I can't sleep because there are starlings nesting in my loft, and when I was looking at humane ways to persuade them to move out I found that they are losing a lot of their nesting space and obviously that is leading to declining populations, so I'm just going to have to get used to the chirping bastards. 

So I've turned into a packet reader, making sure I know exactly what I'm actually eating, instead of just blindly following what I think I should be going for because apparently putting that something is suitable for vegans on packaging can actually put other audiences off. 

Catch you later.

Reasons Not to Be a Vegan,

I'm in a bit of a claustrophobic mood at the moment and it's annoying because it's only towards certain people. It's put me in a really bad mood since I got home and I was genuinely considering not writing this, but I think it will be fun, and the title is really misleading. 

So here we go:

Several of my friends are vegan and, though none of them have ever pressured me to join them, I have often wondered whether it was something that I could do. Every year I see people hashtagging the hell out of Veganuary, and think, oh yeah, that's started and I missed it. Crap. 

Now, I admit it, I'm not a wonderful vegetarian pescetarian (it means I eat fish, but not meat) because my favourite kinds of sweets are not vegetarian. The fact that I am eating fish again slightly pisses me off because I would love to not do, but again, it's really hard. I bloody love smoked salmon, but it's something I've been committed to for a long time, and to be quite honest I would love to give the vegan thing a trial run.

The thing is, if you know where to look, you can find vegan foods that fight your cravings, you just need to know how to do it. I have been craving chocolate for the last two days and had a vegan milkshake (Oat milk and Booja Booja ice cream) and it has knocked it right out. Seriously, that thing was beautiful. 

Maybe it was sitting by the canal in Camden, the sun being out, having great food and great music and awesome company, but there was something about it that made me feel really content. Up until two minutes ago I was doing really well on the not killing bugs bit, too, however that spider was a little too big for me to confidently pick up on a piece of paper and put out of the window... I didn't kill the ant that crawled across my shoulder earlier, though, and that is some serious personal growth for me!

So what are my reasons not to go vegan, even if it was just for a month to see how I get on? Well, they're silly. It comes down to me wondering if I can commit to it because it would be intense. It also comes down to the not wanting to have yet another thing to explain myself for, because that is just annoying and I shouldn't have to justify my life choices to other people. It also comes down to the fact that my family would worry for my health, though I've been told cutting out cheese and chocolate is something I should really do at the moment to help alleviate some of the pressure I'm getting from a condition, so maybe it would actually be good for me. But more than anything my reason to not commit to doing it for a month is I don't know if I could then make a U-turn and come back to where I am now in terms of eating fish and eggs etc. 

I'm going to consider it, and then maybe that will be my June project.