Am I Doing This Right?,

I have to admit, parenthood feels a lot like asking yourself this question a million times a day and being worried that the answer is no, though from what one of the health visitors or midwives said in the early days, the only truly bad parents are the type who either don't ask themselves the question or don't really care what the answer is. Naturally though it's something I worry about, because I worry about everything.

Particularly I'm worried about it at the moment in concern to weaning, because guidance about it is so all over the map, and some people will say you HAVE to start with purees and some will say you HAVE to start with baby led weaning (which doesn't mean no purees) and some people will tell you to just do what works for you and for the baby. Okay, fine, so he's just going to eat chips wherever we are then? Nooooo. 

We started purees early because my little vomit comet was forever losing his stomach contents and - like an idiot - I thought that purees would help him to maintain his weight even if he was puking milk everywhere, but it turns out that purees aren't really nutrient or calorie dense foods, so yes they would stay in his tummy better, but no, they weren't going to help him with his weight at all. That being said, he has moved up the growth charts since the point where we were told he was tiny and to look at him, it's obvious he's a healthy and growing kid. It's hard not to get concerned about the numbers when you go from growth scans where they are right on average, then they seem to drop off a lot, and then they're on or near the 9th centile line and then fall off of that. Now I understand that centiles are like if you lined up a hundred kids born on the same day at the same point and put them in order of weight or length or head size, but I would have thought that "normal" would be something like forty five to fifty five. I'm not sure why I chose that number, or those numbers, but I thought that, and it turns out that the anomalous, or extreme, numbers on that scale are actually 0-2 and 98-100 according to the allergy clinic. If someone had told me that six months ago it would have saved me a whole lot of stress.

Another thing that gets challenging with weaning though is how much do you give them? They're still little, they're still drinking milk and they have no concept of what a feeling of a full stomach is really, or that over eating leads to vomiting, so if you're completely led by your child that is sure to go wrong, isn't it? Well, yes and no. If they're turning their head away or refusing to open their mouth, they might not like something or they might be full, or they might just be having an off day, but you're the parent, so if you know that they've eaten double in one sitting what they normally do, you have to be the responsible bar tender and cut them off. 

Some of it is about persistence as well. Most advice says try giving your child something ten times before accepting that they don't like it. Personally I find that really hard, because chickpeas make little man cry, but also because if he's not interested in food it's getting thrown and if it's not something the dog will willingly eat (and I can then clean the floor of dog spit instead) it's trying to get it cleaned up myself, and that's either from the floor, from smeared all over the high chair or changing whatever clothes he's wearing because it's gone all over him... 

As if all of that is not enough, there is a window of time to move from just thin purees which are mainly fruit and vegetables where you're trying things out to textures. Things like yoghurt (or dairy free alternatives if, like us, yoghurt is off the menu), couscous, pasta, toast, soft biscuits, melty sticks, wafers, strips of food etc. Between eight and twelve months is apparently the absolute must to ensure that babies don't end up stuck on purees with a lot more difficulty moving on. Obviously this is caveated in terms of development, but that's the best window in terms of the average... And honestly, it's hard. 

The first time little legs tried couscous it was because I was having couscous, and I thought, well, the pouch he's eating today is a savoury one anyway so I can just pinch some couscous from my lunch, mix in some of his pouch so it has more flavour and isn't dry and we'll see where we get. There was coughing, there was wretching, there was a whole lot of saliva, but there were also smiles and grabbing for the spoon, so it's not that it was terrible, it was just new. We gave his melty sticks and wafers before he got his teeth through because I had read that they can help with teething, but things like toast and biscuits waited for the teeth to arrive to make sure he had the ability to cut through them and not end up with huge chunks in his throat. 

Even with a couple of teeth through and a few months of practice with purees under our belt, weaning is still a scary experience. It's fun to see how he reacts to new food and what he likes and doesn't like - spoiler alert, if it's not chickpeas, he likes it, at least so far - but given he already has an allergy to milk, it's nerve racking to worry he'll have another allergy and that could be more serious, and that's on top of worries like you have with any child that they could swallow something or choke on something and it becomes a medical emergency really quickly. I can give him a bottle and be bobbing around the room whilst he finishes it, but with solids, I have to be looking at him and making sure I know how he's getting on. I'm not complaining about that, because it's important to make sure he's safe and I know that, but it means another task I have to be switched on for and something else I need to fit into the day with everything else. And how many times do you do it? Well, you should be getting towards three meals a day. I have no clear concept of how to do that. Parenting classes focused on not shaking the baby, not how to get through weaning... 

That being said, I realise this slightly moan-y blog is coming from a privileged place.  Yes, he has an allergy, but it's one thing (granted which is in a lot of things and I've turned into a habitual packet reader) not multiple things which make it hard to use pre-made purees and dinners and mean you're cooking everything yourself, and it's not life threatening, because the after effects are unpleasant but not anaphylaxis. In terms of development, the little guy is doing well, so he's sitting up, trying to crawl, and doing all of the muscular things he needs to do for eating, and he's curious about everything. His interest in food is a really good thing (until I'm eating something with cheese in and need to defend it). The prognosis for his allergy is that it's somewhere between highly possible and highly likely he will grow out of it, and it's not an uncommon thing. 10% of baby's now have a milk allergy of some sort and I think it was something like 80% of those children grow out of the allergy. 

There is work to be done on it, because part of growing out of the allergy comes from working through something called the milk ladder, which manages exposure and builds tolerance gradually, but that is doable, and I do know that we're lucky in a lot of ways, even if I did just put my unsocked foot into a puddle of refluxed milk and that feeling is putrid.

Worries Of An Allergy Mum,

OK, so I can completely understand how this might come across as being one of those posts that could be，you know, privileged, or tone deaf, but I don't think that it is even if it might come across that way.

This is about something which really bugs me, but in order to get into it I need to give a little bit of context. My son was diagnosed with CMPA which stands for Cow's Milk Protein Allergy. It's not hugely uncommon and it's not life threatening, and he's actually really lucky in that his skin symptoms have been pretty mild and sporadic and even his gastric symptoms which have been tough for him and for me and for his dad haven't been anything like as bad as they could have been. Thankfully we've not had any 'raspberry jam' type nappies or issues where we thought there was bleeding going on, and I'm glad of that because I think I would panic so much at something like that, because I've panicked enough with the symptoms he did have, partly because knowing how to manage them has been just a case of trying anything and continuously trying our best, but knowing that our best isn't fixing the issue and sometimes doing our best has been the hardest thing we could do.

We're finally at the point where we have a diagnosis and because of that we've been referred to the allergy clinic, we've been advised that we'll go through a process called The Milk Ladder and we have been prescribed a hypoallergenic milk which is "hydrolysed"; I'm not going to pretend that I know what that means, but Google says it's a substance that has been broken down with either water, enzymes or acid, so I guess the protein which he can't digest has been treated to make it so he doesn't react to it, or to help his body learn to process it.

We went through a process to get the diagnosis which included a two week "exclusion" period, so he wasn't having any dairy and he was on one version of the milk and when he was still having issues afterwards he was put onto a second version. So there's Aptamil Pepti 1, which is for babies who aren't weaning yet and Pepti 2 which is for babies who are weaning. I believe there's also a junior version which is for very small babies or premies and that is just scary as anything to me. Premie babies and their parents are going through enough without a dairy allergy or intolerance considering that milk is the only food babies have for the first few months of their lives! There are a bunch of others - SMA do one, there's something called Nutromigen - but what our doctor tends to prescribe, as I understand it, is Apatmil. 

Obviously, our situation is not unique and a lot of babies get diagnosed with CMPA or CMPI (Cow's Milk Protein Allergy or Cow's Milk Protein Intolerance - not sure what the difference is or if there really is one...) and I know some people see a difference if they move over to Kendamil Goat Milk, but we've used one lot of Kendamil before and bubs did not get along with it at all, and honestly, it is expensive as hell. Obviously if it was for the best for my son I would pay it, but our health visitor and doctor advised the route that we're currently on. I should also say, that's absolutely zero hate on Kendamil. I think they're an awesome brand and I'm pretty sure they're the closest to a local brand we could get for baby formula, but things like scale of production mean goat's milk is always more expensive than cow's and it's no different when it comes to formula. 

So, Pepti milk, on prescription. Sounds great, right? Well, it is, but it changes the game completely not in terms of some things - it's made the same way, you don't need extra equipment etc - but in others, because I like Costco and other bulk buy types of ideas, not just from the perspective of saving money but also in terms of the security. There is a security which comes from having multiples weeks of months worth of formula in the house instead of still at the shop.

In just the time of my pregnancy and the time my son has been alive we've experienced formula shortages which weren't on the scale of that which was experienced through COVID but enough to make parents feel a sort of food insecurity regarding their baby's milk, and there have been a number of recalls across multiple brands for contamination of milk with a bacteria which made several babies rather ill. Their food Made. Them. Ill. As a parent, you're going to blame yourself because you chose the brand of food and you gave them that bottle, but even if you didn't buy any of the affected batches, that food gets recalled and then there is a scarcity of it. When you get a baby onto a formula, you don't keep changing it without a reason, so to not be able to get your brand or your line of product - like the hungry baby or the comfort milk instead of the standard - is an issue, so when it's in stock, you buy a couple. When you go to the shops, you grab a can or two to put to the back of the fridge so that whatever happens, you have some to spare. COVID kind of came out of nowhere, or at least it escalated pretty damn quickly and one of the things which was massively interrupted (though maybe more for Americans, I don't know, I didn't have a baby at the time) was baby formula production and so there was a shortage. We used to keep at least a full 

Costco pack of formula ahead, so 3 700g cans, which was enough for about 18 days when he stopped having it, and we would be working through a pack of the ready made bottles because if we were out of the house it was just easier. When you're on prescription milk, you can't really do that. 

With a prescription, if you need it earlier than expected it can feel like you're having to explain yourself as to why. When I ordered our last lot I told the receptionist that our son had been drinking extra bottles because of the heat and he wouldn't drink water. It's true, but it was also because he was as angry as a baby can be that we were changing his bottle schedule from what he was used to of five bottles at seven ounces a bottle per day to four bottles a day at eight ounces a time. So I tried something different of doing two eight and three sixes, so instead of the original thirty five ounces or the expected thirty two, I had him on thirty four. But two ounces or three ounces a day makes a difference. After only two to three days it's the difference of a whole bottle and that's before you think about using it for making weaning muffins or anything else, because we still don't know if he's allergic to anything else so obviously if I'm making him anything dairy free I just want to use his own formula because - at least in theory - I know that's safe, but using that would mean that I'm making his milk last even less and I'm concerned that the doctors would tell me that I can't then have a prescription and he would have nothing he could eat, or drink, I guess. It's also not beyond the realms of possibility for me to drop a can or knock it over and the lids are CRAP, so even if it is "on" a dropped can might end up all over the floor, and then obviously would need to be replaced. It's thankfully not happened to us yet, but it could and that scares me. It's also not stocked in most pharmacies so they have to order it in and it can take a day or so.

Because of all of this worry and this is where we come to the crux of what I have been getting annoyed about, I have been looking on Facebook marketplace and Vinted (even though Vinted technically don't allow formula to be sold there) to pick up a can or two which aren't the ridiculous Amazon prices of Pepti, just to give myself a bit of breathing space, but I get really angry at some of the listings. 

I realise this is already really long so I'm going to try and cut a lot of the venting I did when I was dictating this one, but I get people who have bought cans on Amazon selling them to try and recover some of their costs, but some people have the gall to sell their prescription tins as though they paid Amazon prices for them. They're there with the prescription label still on them or in the paper Boots bag the way they come from the pharmacy and I honestly think it's not right. I know people take opportunities to make a quick buck but these people know how hard it is being an allergy mum and then they're trying to make money off of other allergy mums. It's not even like they're doing something like creating a local bakery which makes weaning muffins and caters to allergies or something, they're just selling something that was free to them at the point of use (because let's face it, prescriptions are not free. Aptamil aren't making it out of the goodness of their hearts.)

But some allergy parents, whether they have weaned their kid or they were wrongly diagnosed or they didn't get along with that particular brand, they get rid of their full cans for free to those who need them. I love those other parents. Those other parents have given me so much breathing space by meaning I have some spare so that I can wait for my prescription to come through, or I can make a batch of muffins for Little man to destroy and throw all over my kitchen, without having to worry that I'm risking the supply that we have for his bottles. And maybe it's wrong, but if I ever did need to get more so badly that I would need to pay for some of it from someone else, I would be looking at sellers who had bought it rather than were attempting to resell what they got for free, because it winds me up that much.

And don't get me started on those who list it as free and then say "I'm going to have to charge you X per thing..." No, love, you are not.  

What's For Tea?,

Some people are probably not aware of the fact that I have a lot of anxiety around food because I have a lot of anxiety about talking about my anxiety around food, so I just don't a lot of the time, but I've been trying to more in appropriate places and at appropriate times because I think it helps the scouts that I work with know that they can talk to me about their issues with food and know that I won't push them on things they're not comfortable on since I get it. Before you say, nobody would, trust me, I've been there and I've seen it handled badly.

Naturally, when it gets to a certain point in an evening, the conversation between most couples or families or sets of roommates if they eat together is to ask what's for tea or what do you fancy for tea, or what are we making for tea etc. We used to follow that question up with the word Mum because even when she wasn't making it, she was always the one deciding what we were having etc because she did the shopping and knew what was in the house. Yeah, we were kind of lazy. For Paul and I, it's a bit more complicated.

I've been a vegetarian for over two decades (yes, it really has been that long) and whilst I've taken part in Veganuary a couple of times I have never thought I could seriously go vegan for any long period of time, so much so that when our baby was having issues and it looked like either lacotse intolerance or CMPA (spoiler alert: it was CMPA) I had a good cry over the fact that I would have to stop breast feeding or pumping at all because I just knew that I couldn't drop all dairy from my diet to make sure that my breast milk was safe for Little Man. That might sounds selfish, but most of the protein in my diet is from things like eggs and cheese, and whilst I had at one stage got myself off drinking 'normal' milk in tea and coffee and started drinking Oatly, it's something I stopped a long time ago, and when I've tried to transition back to it, I just can't make myself do it. There is a taste difference and the longer it's been since I drank oat milk regularly, the more it tastes somewhat porridgy to me and it kind of ruins my drinks.

All that being said, Little Man is now of an age where he's starting to have bits of food and it's quite nice to be able to give him bits of things we're having, but that's not very possible given his allergy, so anything I'm making feels like I'm making three different versions of so we can all eat, or we're having to make two or three different dinners to get everyone fed and meet everyone's needs which is honestly making life much more complicated and I'm not even back at work yet! So here's hoping that it doesn't take little man too long to work his way through the milk ladder and outgrow his allergy to milk, butter, cheese, cream and all the other good things in life, particularly because most dairy free chocolate sucks.