I don't know where this tradition of dressing up like scary things on NaNo Eve came from - us writers are scared enough people!!
Of course, I am kidding, but if it weren't for the fact that I have a quite a few NaNo people and a couple of groups on my Facebook, my entire news feed would be female acquaintances in what is more like varying shades of undress than actual scary costumes. Oh, and pumpkins. Lot's of bloody pumpkins.
My favourite thing on there at the moment is a video of the Haka, and that's partly because I am so over the moon that the All Blacks won. Yeah, it would have been nice for England to win, or even Scotland, because Scotland had some serious game. It's almost like they went, hmmm, brute force, throwing things, being really manly in clothing which is normally considered very feminine (y'know, skirts, tiny widdle shorts that almost look like lycra Daisy Dukes or something) we've been doing this for fluffing years at the Highland Games, for fluffs sake! And let's face it, they already have a perfect reply to the Haka. The reason I am happy though is because they deserved it, and to see the look on Ritchie McCaw's face, and Dan Carter's to be fair, and Steve Hansen when someone told him happy people smile, I just ended up wanting to pinch their cheeks and be tell them they were adorable being that happy, but even if I had the opportunity to, I wouldn't because I would be scared they might eat me. I could say so much about how happy that game made me, but I won't because I know that most of the people that read this are in England and we are not a rugby nation. (As a point, this is a statement, not a debate. If we were a rugby nation, we would have made it out of the bloody group stages.)
Anyway, moving swiftly onwards. I have a snowman cup which is pretty much my designated NaNoing cup as it came with hot chocolate from someone ultra lovely to help me get through NaNo. It's wonderful, but I haven't had the chance to try the hot chocolate yet, because I make hot chocolate with milk (otherwise known as, I do it properly) and hot milk puts me to sleep. No, seriously. And it's kind of my tradition to see NaNo in the way most people would with NYE. Stay up til midnight and start as you mean to go on. (Difference being that writing stints don't tend to be linked to liver disease, but everyone has their vices.)
I'm really happy to have found an AlphaSmart 3000 to take, at least a part of, this journey through NaNo with me, because it means I don't have to feel utterly chained to my desk (which is just lush to be honest) Granted, I have already had to take it apart once in order to get the piece of wire blocking three of the keys from working out and attempt a small clean of the keyboard, but it's probably a good thing, because I now know I can deal with small problems with it myself, without it staying in a box in pieces for I don't even want to count how many months. His name is Alphie and he runs on AA batteries and I think I love that the most about him. If his battery goes when I'm out, I just have to find a place with duracells! It's like my little piece of heaven.
That in mind, I did a final check on my pre- NaNo word count earlier this evening by typing everything up and it stands at 1132. For anyone who's actually interested I am keeping that in a separate document so that there is absolute certainty with the numbers for NaNo.
So it's approaching midnight, my back is itching like crazy as though there's a clothes label attacking it, but I know there's not, because I remove them from PJs, I've run out of tea, I bit my tongue earlier so that's hurting like I can't even say what and I really need some sleep. I'm going to try for a 20 minute nap, but I think I'm too excited. I almost can't believe it's happening again. I can't believe I'm here again. So much is different, but it still feels the same.
It sometimes feels like NaNo whispers 'Welcome home'
31 Oct 2015
27 Oct 2015
Thinking of Titles Until I'm Entitled to Have a Word Count is Going to Be Hard,
So, I'm already struggling with trying to come up with titles for blog posts, so it's probably a really good job that the novel already has a title because in the mindset I am in now, it just would not be happening.
Everybody always says that clouds have silver linings. Personally I just believe in clouds with rain proof linings, thought they only seem to come into existences when travelling towards the equator and getting past Birmingham. So, I have found several of these today, but I'm not sure that it wouldn't be bad luck to share them, so I'm not going to. Still sulking about not having a laptop as well, so it's not all shiny.
One wonderful thing that has happened though, is that after around ten minutes of poking about and fiddling, I am finally back into my NaNo account, which means the novel title is set, and we're basically just waiting for the counter to go live. I'm also really excited that the London group will be holding another NaNoRilla this year (guerilla write in at famous landmarks) as well as a no-sleep over in a book store in North London. If all goes well, I might actually be done by then, but it would still be really nice to go.
- Why did I decide that Write or Die actually made me feel more productive? It doesn't. It's horrible and now the fluffing violins won't bloody stop and arghhhh...-
Right. All in all, I feel less than comfortable with my lack of portable typing equipment, but what can you do other than try your best within the circumstances? I refuse to let that come between me and finishing, or anything really that I set out to do with this years competition. I was told a few days ago that with a few adjustments I could be unstoppable, so I'm kind of aiming for somewhere near there.
In an attempt at being unstoppable, I'm trying to get myself writing every day and their is the deposit for all my ramblings. Don't worry, you are totally welcome.
Everybody always says that clouds have silver linings. Personally I just believe in clouds with rain proof linings, thought they only seem to come into existences when travelling towards the equator and getting past Birmingham. So, I have found several of these today, but I'm not sure that it wouldn't be bad luck to share them, so I'm not going to. Still sulking about not having a laptop as well, so it's not all shiny.
One wonderful thing that has happened though, is that after around ten minutes of poking about and fiddling, I am finally back into my NaNo account, which means the novel title is set, and we're basically just waiting for the counter to go live. I'm also really excited that the London group will be holding another NaNoRilla this year (guerilla write in at famous landmarks) as well as a no-sleep over in a book store in North London. If all goes well, I might actually be done by then, but it would still be really nice to go.
- Why did I decide that Write or Die actually made me feel more productive? It doesn't. It's horrible and now the fluffing violins won't bloody stop and arghhhh...-
Right. All in all, I feel less than comfortable with my lack of portable typing equipment, but what can you do other than try your best within the circumstances? I refuse to let that come between me and finishing, or anything really that I set out to do with this years competition. I was told a few days ago that with a few adjustments I could be unstoppable, so I'm kind of aiming for somewhere near there.
In an attempt at being unstoppable, I'm trying to get myself writing every day and their is the deposit for all my ramblings. Don't worry, you are totally welcome.
26 Oct 2015
This Be The Title,
Oh My God - two blogs in two days! What's the world coming to?!?!
For those of you that aren't getting the thinly veiled reference in the title, I have a love hate relationship with Philip Larkin. I can't help but respect him though, because he turned down the laureate rather than writing about something he couldn't care for just for a pay check.
Anyway, less about famous dead guys. The reason for the strangely worded title is not, in fact, lack of imagination and so thinking of someone that inspires me (even if only a little) but in fact a statement of triumphant pleasure after deciding a NaNo project and christening it in the same day. I was thinking of this title for something else, but it doesn't fit with the main character, thus would make no sense, and there's nothing worse than nonsense (unless it's about fairies and then it's totally allowed!) So, during the month of NaNo (yes, world, we renamed November, get over it) I will be writing a novel which bears the title of The Antithesis of a Gentleman. And quite frankly, I don't care if it sounds pretentious - it's no worse than The Disposition of an Idle Mind, which is something else magical I have been working on. Actually, the jury is still out on whether there is magic in that one.
But yes, The Antithesis of a Gentleman is going to be a little bit special. It's not going to be Fairies-esqe, because there is definitely no magic-magic in it, but it's not going to be like Yours, either, because it's not set in somewhere completely fictional. And yes, I am aware that no one has actually read Yours, yet because in order for it to see the light of day I need to edit it, but I can promise you something. Ain't going to be doing that before NaNo, so the likelihood of it being done this year is pretty much nil.
- Just had to have a mini Taylor Swift music break and I don't care. :) -
Anyway, whilst obsessively planning for NaNo (by which I mean planning my snack food and coffee rotation) I'm also having to choose a new hair colour, because the varying shades of ginger that have been ever present the last few months, and the current red aren't really likely to help me find a new job. Especially not the ones I want to go for.
There have been a fun couple of colours over the last few years, including black, blonde, purple, red, black with a blue tint, aggressive orange and the beautiful ginger the really doesn't match my eyebrows (shame). I'm hoping to not have to go back to anything too boring though. My natural brown doesn't look as great on me as something with a hint of autumn in it. Ah well, can worry about that when I actually have an interview to worry about.
I do think I'm going to do a couple of character sketches for the new novel though. It's like being able to play with it without actually doing anything with the word count. Which by the way sits at 1076. So by the end of NaNo should be 51,076.
For those of you that aren't getting the thinly veiled reference in the title, I have a love hate relationship with Philip Larkin. I can't help but respect him though, because he turned down the laureate rather than writing about something he couldn't care for just for a pay check.
Anyway, less about famous dead guys. The reason for the strangely worded title is not, in fact, lack of imagination and so thinking of someone that inspires me (even if only a little) but in fact a statement of triumphant pleasure after deciding a NaNo project and christening it in the same day. I was thinking of this title for something else, but it doesn't fit with the main character, thus would make no sense, and there's nothing worse than nonsense (unless it's about fairies and then it's totally allowed!) So, during the month of NaNo (yes, world, we renamed November, get over it) I will be writing a novel which bears the title of The Antithesis of a Gentleman. And quite frankly, I don't care if it sounds pretentious - it's no worse than The Disposition of an Idle Mind, which is something else magical I have been working on. Actually, the jury is still out on whether there is magic in that one.
But yes, The Antithesis of a Gentleman is going to be a little bit special. It's not going to be Fairies-esqe, because there is definitely no magic-magic in it, but it's not going to be like Yours, either, because it's not set in somewhere completely fictional. And yes, I am aware that no one has actually read Yours, yet because in order for it to see the light of day I need to edit it, but I can promise you something. Ain't going to be doing that before NaNo, so the likelihood of it being done this year is pretty much nil.
- Just had to have a mini Taylor Swift music break and I don't care. :) -
Anyway, whilst obsessively planning for NaNo (by which I mean planning my snack food and coffee rotation) I'm also having to choose a new hair colour, because the varying shades of ginger that have been ever present the last few months, and the current red aren't really likely to help me find a new job. Especially not the ones I want to go for.
There have been a fun couple of colours over the last few years, including black, blonde, purple, red, black with a blue tint, aggressive orange and the beautiful ginger the really doesn't match my eyebrows (shame). I'm hoping to not have to go back to anything too boring though. My natural brown doesn't look as great on me as something with a hint of autumn in it. Ah well, can worry about that when I actually have an interview to worry about.
I do think I'm going to do a couple of character sketches for the new novel though. It's like being able to play with it without actually doing anything with the word count. Which by the way sits at 1076. So by the end of NaNo should be 51,076.
25 Oct 2015
What To Do Now,
If you're one of the people that follows this blog, you'll know that a question I have been almost obsessed by recently is what to do now. It's something that I have barely been able to get off of my head recently and I find it really difficult to deal with sometimes, because it's a very frustrating question.
I can't remember if I have previously made mention of the fact that I have gone back to having driving lessons after a four year hiatus. It's something that I wish I had done earlier because of all the times it would have come in useful, but I'm doing it now. What's more, I even have my theory test booked this time. Granted I did something potentially stupid and booked it in the middle of NaNoWriMo. Do I really want to be attempting practices tests at the same time as writing a novel? Well, no, probably not, but I do want to be able to get this stuff done with as soon as possible, which means getting the theory test done as soon as possible.
I've been thinking quite a lot about NaNo, and I'm still not sure what I'm going to write. Every project that I want to write at the moment I'm already a good way into and I'm a bit sick of starting things and not finishing them. Also, even if I could think of a project that I wanted to continue for NaNo, I would then have to leave it alone until next Sunday. I would be sat here with a serious itch and my mind going mad trying not to touch it. I can't even distract myself with something else because to then be able to put that down for the whole of NaNo, which I would have to do if I was going to entertain any hopes of finishing, that would be almost impossible, too.
As if finding a project wasn't bad enough, I also get the joys of debating the pros and cons of typing and writing, and using my quills or one or more of my typewriters. Writing, I can carry everything with me, which is something I have grown a lot more used to, however, aiming for the 15k day as I want to, I can't do that without typing.
Maybe it's a little ambitious - It's been almost two years since my last competition. I mean, yes, I wrote my dissertation last year, and by the results I got, I kinda smashed it, but that's 9,000 words of fact and research and argument, not 50,000 words of imagination. I also didn't write that whole thing in one day - but I know that some people do. It's been a while since I sat down and really hammered through a novel and to be honest, the prospect of doing it again is pretty terrifying, but not doing it, that seems worse. Worst of all is the idea of making an attempt at it, and then falling on my ass. I like my record of only one loss.
Right now, I'm trying to think of what I need to do between now and Sunday. Most important of which would be buying a toaster. And doing a Lidl run for excessive amounts of junk food, because one of the key features of writing a novel is gaining weight in the process. For some reason though, I'm more crisps and cream cheese than tons of chocolate. Tons of chocolate makes me ill, and that's not productive.
I know that I'm over thinking it, as I do with a lot of things, and novels are something that happen when I don't over think, but Christ almighty, I have missed this so much. Except the pre-NaNo illness that always happens. That sucks ass. For now, it's just a waiting game. Roll on next weekend.
I can't remember if I have previously made mention of the fact that I have gone back to having driving lessons after a four year hiatus. It's something that I wish I had done earlier because of all the times it would have come in useful, but I'm doing it now. What's more, I even have my theory test booked this time. Granted I did something potentially stupid and booked it in the middle of NaNoWriMo. Do I really want to be attempting practices tests at the same time as writing a novel? Well, no, probably not, but I do want to be able to get this stuff done with as soon as possible, which means getting the theory test done as soon as possible.
I've been thinking quite a lot about NaNo, and I'm still not sure what I'm going to write. Every project that I want to write at the moment I'm already a good way into and I'm a bit sick of starting things and not finishing them. Also, even if I could think of a project that I wanted to continue for NaNo, I would then have to leave it alone until next Sunday. I would be sat here with a serious itch and my mind going mad trying not to touch it. I can't even distract myself with something else because to then be able to put that down for the whole of NaNo, which I would have to do if I was going to entertain any hopes of finishing, that would be almost impossible, too.
As if finding a project wasn't bad enough, I also get the joys of debating the pros and cons of typing and writing, and using my quills or one or more of my typewriters. Writing, I can carry everything with me, which is something I have grown a lot more used to, however, aiming for the 15k day as I want to, I can't do that without typing.
Maybe it's a little ambitious - It's been almost two years since my last competition. I mean, yes, I wrote my dissertation last year, and by the results I got, I kinda smashed it, but that's 9,000 words of fact and research and argument, not 50,000 words of imagination. I also didn't write that whole thing in one day - but I know that some people do. It's been a while since I sat down and really hammered through a novel and to be honest, the prospect of doing it again is pretty terrifying, but not doing it, that seems worse. Worst of all is the idea of making an attempt at it, and then falling on my ass. I like my record of only one loss.
Right now, I'm trying to think of what I need to do between now and Sunday. Most important of which would be buying a toaster. And doing a Lidl run for excessive amounts of junk food, because one of the key features of writing a novel is gaining weight in the process. For some reason though, I'm more crisps and cream cheese than tons of chocolate. Tons of chocolate makes me ill, and that's not productive.
I know that I'm over thinking it, as I do with a lot of things, and novels are something that happen when I don't over think, but Christ almighty, I have missed this so much. Except the pre-NaNo illness that always happens. That sucks ass. For now, it's just a waiting game. Roll on next weekend.
19 Oct 2015
*
No, it's not a flipping snow flake, it's a special speckle, and it happens to be named Charlie.
So, it's been a week since I last wrote a blog and whilst the world has not shifty immensely in that time, well, not in the grand scheme of things, little things have been happening, and we all love Little Things, (yes, this version, but not only this version) don't we?
I'm sat here with a cup of loose leaf Ceylon (all those who don't drink tea, just read as "fancy tea") thinking about the past week and partly all the stupid things I have done. In case you don't know, I'm a bit of a spanner sometimes, and the joys of that include messing up a hotel booking because the website crashed and I panicked, because I just wanted it sorted so I could go to sleep before my early driving lesson, and stalling the car in the middle of a junction and then just panicking.
But, spanneriness aside, I travelled to Portsmouth on my own (so proud), had a wonderful time at a lovely friend's birthday, chatted with her lovely friends and shamelessly promoted my novel as I have been told I have to but truly detest doing!!! I've also cleaned and half tidied my flat, which is a God, Jesus & The Holy Spirit working in unison kind of miracle. And I have been writing. And missing a laptop. Not the Craptop so much, and definitely not the ridiculous keyboard I bought for my iPad, but a portable computer of some variety that I can fit in my bag. Though if I do look at getting one to work alongside my computer - which, let's face it, is going to present all sorts of technical problems that I don't want to fluff about with really - the key component is going to be the weight of the thing because my old Toshiba was like lugging a bag of bricks everywhere and I don't have the energy for that. I didn't back then either, but not the point.
Also, do I need another piece of technology that I have to check is not under my pillows before I go to sleep at night. Phone, tablet and fitbit are quite enough, I think.
Anyway, after a week that felt like being on Oblivion at points (video there for those of you who haven't been on it) I'm now trying to turn my attention towards Saturday the 31st of October. No, I don't mean Halloween, I mean Midnight/MyLifeIsOver-NaNoHasBegun NaNo 2015. Oh yes, back to that bittersweet pain in the ass. I think it will be my fifth year to compete. I think. I'm not certain. Meh, that doesn't really matter. What matters is that after being devastated at being only a few hundred words off of a 15k day a few years ago, it's going to happen. I will make it happen. I already have a special tea pot to help. (I much prefer loose leaf tea, but it's a real pain to make it cup by cup, so I can just make it in my tea pot and the have enough to last me through a writing stint.
I'm kind of worried about this NaNo, because I didn't actually write last year, which felt alien and weird and I regretted so many times and considered trying to catch up, but it wasn't going to happen with my dissertation as well. Also, I've got about three things that I'm really enjoying on the go, but one is too far gone for me to write an additional 50k, one is too involved and my brain would be falling out of the nearest exit and the other one, I don't want to rush, because I've felt like writing it before, then just decided to let it stew for a bit.
Maybe, if I'm lucky, I can do another Fairies trick, be clueless until day 3/4 and then just play a bloody blinder and have something kind of wonderful pop out of nowhere, but I'm somewhat reluctant to do that. Losing NaNo is not something I do with any kind of poise or grace. I don't know. There's still some time yet. I need to go food shopping between now and then... The last thing I want to do is have another run where when someone asks me when/what I last ate, I can't actually remember what it was or say for certain it was that day.
This could be a lot of fun...
So, it's been a week since I last wrote a blog and whilst the world has not shifty immensely in that time, well, not in the grand scheme of things, little things have been happening, and we all love Little Things, (yes, this version, but not only this version) don't we?
I'm sat here with a cup of loose leaf Ceylon (all those who don't drink tea, just read as "fancy tea") thinking about the past week and partly all the stupid things I have done. In case you don't know, I'm a bit of a spanner sometimes, and the joys of that include messing up a hotel booking because the website crashed and I panicked, because I just wanted it sorted so I could go to sleep before my early driving lesson, and stalling the car in the middle of a junction and then just panicking.
But, spanneriness aside, I travelled to Portsmouth on my own (so proud), had a wonderful time at a lovely friend's birthday, chatted with her lovely friends and shamelessly promoted my novel as I have been told I have to but truly detest doing!!! I've also cleaned and half tidied my flat, which is a God, Jesus & The Holy Spirit working in unison kind of miracle. And I have been writing. And missing a laptop. Not the Craptop so much, and definitely not the ridiculous keyboard I bought for my iPad, but a portable computer of some variety that I can fit in my bag. Though if I do look at getting one to work alongside my computer - which, let's face it, is going to present all sorts of technical problems that I don't want to fluff about with really - the key component is going to be the weight of the thing because my old Toshiba was like lugging a bag of bricks everywhere and I don't have the energy for that. I didn't back then either, but not the point.
Also, do I need another piece of technology that I have to check is not under my pillows before I go to sleep at night. Phone, tablet and fitbit are quite enough, I think.
Anyway, after a week that felt like being on Oblivion at points (video there for those of you who haven't been on it) I'm now trying to turn my attention towards Saturday the 31st of October. No, I don't mean Halloween, I mean Midnight/MyLifeIsOver-NaNoHasBegun NaNo 2015. Oh yes, back to that bittersweet pain in the ass. I think it will be my fifth year to compete. I think. I'm not certain. Meh, that doesn't really matter. What matters is that after being devastated at being only a few hundred words off of a 15k day a few years ago, it's going to happen. I will make it happen. I already have a special tea pot to help. (I much prefer loose leaf tea, but it's a real pain to make it cup by cup, so I can just make it in my tea pot and the have enough to last me through a writing stint.
I'm kind of worried about this NaNo, because I didn't actually write last year, which felt alien and weird and I regretted so many times and considered trying to catch up, but it wasn't going to happen with my dissertation as well. Also, I've got about three things that I'm really enjoying on the go, but one is too far gone for me to write an additional 50k, one is too involved and my brain would be falling out of the nearest exit and the other one, I don't want to rush, because I've felt like writing it before, then just decided to let it stew for a bit.
Maybe, if I'm lucky, I can do another Fairies trick, be clueless until day 3/4 and then just play a bloody blinder and have something kind of wonderful pop out of nowhere, but I'm somewhat reluctant to do that. Losing NaNo is not something I do with any kind of poise or grace. I don't know. There's still some time yet. I need to go food shopping between now and then... The last thing I want to do is have another run where when someone asks me when/what I last ate, I can't actually remember what it was or say for certain it was that day.
This could be a lot of fun...
12 Oct 2015
Hmm,
One of my favourite writers of all time, since the glorious age of 17, has been John Green. I wish I had some big semi-romantic story of how I fell across his books in a small independent book store in the Northern Quarter, and that the movie of The Fault in Our Stars broke my heart because it was, in parts, such a deviation from the book, but that would be an utter falsehood, hocum story.
I was told to buy Paper Town by a friend of mine named J, who is beautifully obsessed by it. She would have lent me her's, but the idea of letting out of her sight was too much. I understand that more completely than most people do. To her mind, it is the most perfect of John Green's books. Though I enjoyed it immensely, it is not mine. For me, The Fault in Our Stars was like suffering loss at the hands of a paperback, and the only more perfect version of that loss was the very rare occasion where a film is somehow on par with a book. Taking out one almost insignificant character made that film beyond anything I could ever imagine. Who am I kidding, I was a mess before it even started! Still, not my favourite. No book he can write will ever be what An Abundance of Katherines is to me.
I'm currently sat watching Paper Towns, and wondering why they decided to make this book into a flipping movie. I'm over half way through and I'm not as enthralled as I was with the book, however having the actor who played Gus in there even for less than thirty seconds did make me die a little bit on the inside. In a good way.
My biggest fear now is that they will try and find a way of making An Abundance of Katherines into a movie, but part of me wants to see that. Part of me wants to see the part when the graphs are sketched in chalk across the screen with the film still playing in the background slightly out of focus, I want to see what they make of Katherine the Many. I want to see them bring it to life and tell the story in a whole new way, so I can fall in love with it all over again. But I don't want them to destroy something that made sense to me with so much ease.
I owe a lot to Paper Towns. It was the emotional band aid that made it okay when my life fell apart and I couldn't make it fall back together. Because some people need tears and Malteasers the way I need books. The film, I know, would not have been enough.
I was told to buy Paper Town by a friend of mine named J, who is beautifully obsessed by it. She would have lent me her's, but the idea of letting out of her sight was too much. I understand that more completely than most people do. To her mind, it is the most perfect of John Green's books. Though I enjoyed it immensely, it is not mine. For me, The Fault in Our Stars was like suffering loss at the hands of a paperback, and the only more perfect version of that loss was the very rare occasion where a film is somehow on par with a book. Taking out one almost insignificant character made that film beyond anything I could ever imagine. Who am I kidding, I was a mess before it even started! Still, not my favourite. No book he can write will ever be what An Abundance of Katherines is to me.
I'm currently sat watching Paper Towns, and wondering why they decided to make this book into a flipping movie. I'm over half way through and I'm not as enthralled as I was with the book, however having the actor who played Gus in there even for less than thirty seconds did make me die a little bit on the inside. In a good way.
My biggest fear now is that they will try and find a way of making An Abundance of Katherines into a movie, but part of me wants to see that. Part of me wants to see the part when the graphs are sketched in chalk across the screen with the film still playing in the background slightly out of focus, I want to see what they make of Katherine the Many. I want to see them bring it to life and tell the story in a whole new way, so I can fall in love with it all over again. But I don't want them to destroy something that made sense to me with so much ease.
I owe a lot to Paper Towns. It was the emotional band aid that made it okay when my life fell apart and I couldn't make it fall back together. Because some people need tears and Malteasers the way I need books. The film, I know, would not have been enough.
10 Oct 2015
What do you do with a BA in English,
Or rather Philosophy, if you're not the leading character of Avenue Q.
I'd apologise for the silence, but I would feel like some sort of reason must be given as to what I have been doing instead of blogging, but quite frankly there has been nothing much really. Or things which have been happening have been personal and I haven't really wanted to share. The problem has been that I have struggled to know quite which way is up due to a lot of different factors, and I haven't really been dealing with myself very well, which has made me strip everything back and not quite start again, but rethink a lot of things.
Recently I found out that I do now in fact have a degree, and not before time, too. I have finally become a graduate, though my time to walk across the stage in cap and gown is a delight that December will bring, and I can't wait for it. As much as the last four years have presented me with many traumas, I feel glad for the fact that I have finally made it through and the whole thing can have a new level of worth to me.
Even more recently I ended an argument I had been having with myself and decided that the anxiety I get from the idea of getting behind the wheel of a car doesn't constitute a good reason not to do it, so this morning, more than four years on from my last proper driving lesson, I was driving around London, and somehow managing to not crash the car. Whilst I freely admit I am still anxious about driving and the idea of parallel (why is that word so difficult to spell!?!) parking is still something that sounds monstrous and makes me feel sick, the idea of driving in general is not something which I think of as utterly horrifying and completely beyond me. Which is quite nice, because I used to really enjoy driving..
I know it's not over yet, but this year has been a difficult one. There have been times where I have wondered whether I would finish my degree, whether I would ever live in a place where I would be comfortable and settled, whether I would be able to stay in London after my degree, and even times where I have questioned whether I would be best off just giving up on my dream of writing altogether and submitting myself to something much more manageable, but then I look at the bookcase of notebooks in the corner of my bedroom and wonder if all those ideas and characters and things can really fit back inside my head, let alone in a small box to gather memory dust and become faded. Could I really ever take myself away from something which redefined solitude to a place which was not lonely, but full of whatever I wanted? Would it really be possible for me to put down the notebooks that I have carried with me for so long and pretend that they never mattered? Because that's what giving up on this dream equates to.
Imaginations don't have an on/off switch. Were there a way to turn them off, I'm not sure that I would turn off mine. It's true that sometimes my mind goes off on such tangents that I wonder how to get it back and all important thoughts seem to believe that they are relieved of duty and disappear into the night, but it's worth being a bit of a dingbat in order to be able to create something...
I guess, more than anything, I've felt in a bit of a crisis as to what to do next. The last thing I want is to remain stationary and I flatly refuse to do it. It's time for me to figure out what comes next and just jump for it, but there are so many roads to choose.
I'd apologise for the silence, but I would feel like some sort of reason must be given as to what I have been doing instead of blogging, but quite frankly there has been nothing much really. Or things which have been happening have been personal and I haven't really wanted to share. The problem has been that I have struggled to know quite which way is up due to a lot of different factors, and I haven't really been dealing with myself very well, which has made me strip everything back and not quite start again, but rethink a lot of things.
Recently I found out that I do now in fact have a degree, and not before time, too. I have finally become a graduate, though my time to walk across the stage in cap and gown is a delight that December will bring, and I can't wait for it. As much as the last four years have presented me with many traumas, I feel glad for the fact that I have finally made it through and the whole thing can have a new level of worth to me.
Even more recently I ended an argument I had been having with myself and decided that the anxiety I get from the idea of getting behind the wheel of a car doesn't constitute a good reason not to do it, so this morning, more than four years on from my last proper driving lesson, I was driving around London, and somehow managing to not crash the car. Whilst I freely admit I am still anxious about driving and the idea of parallel (why is that word so difficult to spell!?!) parking is still something that sounds monstrous and makes me feel sick, the idea of driving in general is not something which I think of as utterly horrifying and completely beyond me. Which is quite nice, because I used to really enjoy driving..
I know it's not over yet, but this year has been a difficult one. There have been times where I have wondered whether I would finish my degree, whether I would ever live in a place where I would be comfortable and settled, whether I would be able to stay in London after my degree, and even times where I have questioned whether I would be best off just giving up on my dream of writing altogether and submitting myself to something much more manageable, but then I look at the bookcase of notebooks in the corner of my bedroom and wonder if all those ideas and characters and things can really fit back inside my head, let alone in a small box to gather memory dust and become faded. Could I really ever take myself away from something which redefined solitude to a place which was not lonely, but full of whatever I wanted? Would it really be possible for me to put down the notebooks that I have carried with me for so long and pretend that they never mattered? Because that's what giving up on this dream equates to.
Imaginations don't have an on/off switch. Were there a way to turn them off, I'm not sure that I would turn off mine. It's true that sometimes my mind goes off on such tangents that I wonder how to get it back and all important thoughts seem to believe that they are relieved of duty and disappear into the night, but it's worth being a bit of a dingbat in order to be able to create something...
I guess, more than anything, I've felt in a bit of a crisis as to what to do next. The last thing I want is to remain stationary and I flatly refuse to do it. It's time for me to figure out what comes next and just jump for it, but there are so many roads to choose.
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