I Am Really Not In Love With How,

This post will be my 149th, and I have no reason or excuse to write it as a part one and part two, so there's nothing I can do about it. If I had just done 1! more post in 2015 I would be able to go into 2016 on 150 and I don't mind that as a number.

Ah well, there is nothing that can be logically done about it now, so I guess I'm just going to have to attempt to let it go. I also need to let go of the fact that I don't have a New Years go to film. Halloween is easy because it's any scary film that you feel like - this year I watched one of the incarnations of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, though if you asked me which one it was I would have no idea. Bonfire Night, well, remember, remember the fifth of November, and V for Vendetta couldn't make that happen any better. Christmas Eve was made for The Nightmare Before Christmas and Valentine's day gets to choose between Nicholas Sparks movies and Valentine's Day the movie (though the last one is best when you're single because then it's just hilarious). 

This year has been weird insofar as it has been pretty crappy at points, and then at others, I have felt like I needed to be pinched. Graduation still feels like I dreamt it. I sometimes think it's a joke degree or the university will call me up and say I have to do another year or they will take it back. *Really* hoping that neither of those things is the case.

I would normally post my resolutions publically, but I'm not going to do that this year because every year I commit myself to wanting to publish something again, or getting through editing and it's not got me anywhere yet, so what I am willing to commit to is taking the next year as it comes.

Happy New Year guys - see you on the other side!

Oh Lorde,

Dear dear, everything is ever such a rush. 

I'm back in Manchester at the moment, and have been for about 28 hours after feeling like I had to rush across London in order to get my train, and felt like I had barely got on to the train before I was getting off in Manchester Piccadilly. I was trundling down Market Street with my suitcase in tow to get back to my mother's house. 

I felt like I had been running around like a crazy person the night before and that morning in order to make sure that I have everything with me. It's a flying visit, as ever, but being away from my home makes me anxious. Being away from my PC, my notebooks and my library (well, the half that isn't under my bed up here) makes me incredibly anxious. Much as the train journey between the two places is really quick, the flitting back and forward isn't overly simple and I always end up looking like Queen of the Bag Ladies - especially when I'm heading back home! 

It's been good so far though, because I'm not having to cook or worry too much about anything. It's nice to be able to have a little time to relax, because it feels like I have been working somewhat solidly since the day I finished university and I've been a little bit 
knackered. 

Anyway, it's lovely to be able to spend some time with friends and share graduation memories (which have not long since passed) and spend a lovely Christmas with the family. 

Merry Christmas to all, and remember - your present is still on Amazon if you haven't yet downloaded a copy of Fairies. :)

Not Feeling Awesome,

I'm at that point in the year where I'm getting ready to travel back to my mother's house for a family Christmas and, quite frankly, I'm finding it difficult, because at the moment I'm feeling a little bit crappy. 

It's been at least a year since I broke my Kindle, and I've only just got around to replacing it, and it's just taken me hours to set it up, but I realised that I don't want to be carting loads of books and notebooks back up on the train - it makes it much more simple if I can take the Kindle and the iPad and have done with it there. And before anyone kindly points it out, I have the Kindle app on my iPad; it is not the same. 

Two weeks ago today, I graduated from university and was skipping around the room on a Prosecco buzz pretty much yelling 'fluffing finally' because this has been a long time coming. That day, I felt shiny. I was on the receiving end of a few peculiar glances of the Kensington public as I strutted around in a Ted Baker dress, stiletto heels, a man cap and a funny hat, but it was wonderful. Since then it has slightly had the sheen taken off it with my apparent inability to find myself new employment, but I'm doing what I can, and I'll get there. I have a few possibly exciting irons in the fire, so we'll see where they lead to. 

To round this off, it's been far too long since the last free promotion of my book, so it's on it again from Christmas Eve until the 28th. Please note that this is based on a KDP American time zone that I believe is EST but I'm not certain, so if you want to download it, I would advise doing so ASAP! 

Merry fluffing Christmas to those of you who celebrate and to all others, the happiest of Happy Holidays! 

Frozen,

No, not the movie, my paws. 

This is going to be a quick one because my teeny tiny hands and fingers are getting cold and it's causing the joints to hurt, but basically the gist is, I'm busy, I have been soooo busy that it's been difficult to write and it's been driving me insane. I feel like November was the wrong time to be taking a driving test and applying for jobs, but that's life and that's what I'm doing. I'm onto the home stretch now, and only have 7030 words (exactly, there was no rounding) to do before nano is done. 

It's going to be my fifth win in six attempts across seven years, which is pretty special, but more will be said when it is all over and done with and I will post the graph of progress which I allowed to be grossly inaccurate in the time I have been writing on my iPad, but ah well, it doesn't matter so long as you breach the 50k bracket. 

I'm retiring to my bat cave now, because my hands are freezing and I'm wrapped in layers of clothes and blankets and I can still get a solid stint of writing in if my digits would just remember that they belong to me and not a corpse in the Arctic circle.

I seriously feel like they're being bathed in ice, and I wasn't even the one pulling the ice out of my freezer earlier! I think I might be getting frost bite...

NaNoWriMo 2015 Part 1

This week has been nuts. 

I haven't written a blog yet for NaNo because this week has been a bit all over the place. Midnight last night marked the end of the first week and it's been a real mixed bag. I had said, very loudly that I wanted to have a 15k day this year, because I can bash out 10k like with very little problem, but pushing that a bit further has always been too much. I nearly made it two years ago and was a couple of hundred words shy, and nobody has the ability to kick my arse about it harder than I do. 

Problem is that a day like that deserves preparation, and I didn't do any. NaNo2015 started with me running around like a lunatic because I wasn't ready. I had done some planning, I had a story line in my head, I even had over a thousand words down - I repeat, in a separate file and being kept completely out of my word count - somehow it felt like it was going to be impossible. 

By some miracle, I did it, but I was absolutely wiped out for the next few days and a couple of days later I was having an interview so after what was a really promising start, I haven't even got to 25k and I'm disappointed. 

I don't know. I'm starting to realise how much harder this is now I'm working full time, live on my own and have other things to do. It's a bit of a nightmare. 

Anyway, guess it's just a case of keeping going, and seeing how it goes...

NaNo Eve,

I don't know where this tradition of dressing up like scary things on NaNo Eve came from - us writers are scared enough people!!

Of course, I am kidding, but if it weren't for the fact that I have a quite a few NaNo people and a couple of groups on my Facebook, my entire news feed would be female acquaintances in what is more like varying shades of undress than actual scary costumes. Oh, and pumpkins. Lot's of bloody pumpkins. 

My favourite thing on there at the moment is a video of the Haka, and that's partly because I am so over the moon that the All Blacks won. Yeah, it would have been nice for England to win, or even Scotland, because Scotland had some serious game. It's almost like they went, hmmm, brute force, throwing things, being really manly in clothing which is normally considered very feminine (y'know, skirts, tiny widdle shorts that almost look like lycra Daisy Dukes or something) we've been doing this for fluffing years at the Highland Games, for fluffs sake! And let's face it, they already have a perfect reply to the Haka. The reason I am happy though is because they deserved it, and to see the look on Ritchie McCaw's face, and Dan Carter's to be fair, and Steve Hansen when someone told him happy people smile, I just ended up wanting to pinch their cheeks and be tell them they were adorable being that happy, but even if I had the opportunity to, I wouldn't because I would be scared they might eat me. I could say so much about how happy that game made me, but I won't because I know that most of the people that read this are in England and we are not a rugby nation. (As a point, this is a statement, not a debate. If we were a rugby nation, we would have made it out of the bloody group stages.)

Anyway, moving swiftly onwards. I have a snowman cup which is pretty much my designated NaNoing cup as it came with hot chocolate from someone ultra lovely to help me get through NaNo. It's wonderful, but I haven't had the chance to try the hot chocolate yet, because I make hot chocolate with milk (otherwise known as, I do it properly) and hot milk puts me to sleep. No, seriously. And it's kind of my tradition to see NaNo in the way most people would with NYE. Stay up til midnight and start as you mean to go on. (Difference being that writing stints don't tend to be linked to liver disease, but everyone has their vices.) 

I'm really happy to have found an AlphaSmart 3000 to take, at least a part of, this journey through NaNo with me, because it means I don't have to feel utterly chained to my desk (which is just lush to be honest) Granted, I have already had to take it apart once in order to get the piece of wire blocking three of the keys from working out and attempt a small clean of the keyboard, but it's probably a good thing, because I now know I can deal with small problems with it myself, without it staying in a box in pieces for I don't even want to count how many months. His name is Alphie and he runs on AA batteries and I think I love that the most about him. If his battery goes when I'm out, I just have to find a place with duracells! It's like my little piece of heaven.

That in mind, I did a final check on my pre- NaNo word count earlier this evening by typing everything up and it stands at 1132. For anyone who's actually interested I am keeping that in a separate document so that there is absolute certainty with the numbers for NaNo. 

So it's approaching midnight, my back is itching like crazy as though there's a clothes label attacking it, but I know there's not, because I remove them from PJs, I've run out of tea, I bit my tongue earlier so that's hurting like I can't even say what and I really need some sleep. I'm going to try for a 20 minute nap, but I think I'm too excited. I almost can't believe it's happening again. I can't believe I'm here again. So much is different, but it still feels the same. 

It sometimes feels like NaNo whispers 'Welcome home'

Thinking of Titles Until I'm Entitled to Have a Word Count is Going to Be Hard,

So, I'm already struggling with trying to come up with titles for blog posts, so it's probably a really good job that the novel already has a title because in the mindset I am in now, it just would not be happening. 

Everybody always says that clouds have silver linings. Personally I just believe in clouds with rain proof linings, thought they only seem to come into existences when travelling towards the equator and getting past Birmingham. So, I have found several of these today, but I'm not sure that it wouldn't be bad luck to share them, so I'm not going to. Still sulking about not having a laptop as well, so it's not all shiny. 

One wonderful thing that has happened though, is that after around ten minutes of poking about and fiddling, I am finally back into my NaNo account, which means the novel title is set, and we're basically just waiting for the counter to go live. I'm also really excited that the London group will be holding another NaNoRilla this year (guerilla write in at famous landmarks) as well as a no-sleep over in a book store in North London. If all goes well, I might actually be done by then, but it would still be really nice to go.

- Why did I decide that Write or Die actually made me feel more productive? It doesn't. It's horrible and now the fluffing violins won't bloody stop and arghhhh...-

Right. All in all, I feel less than comfortable with my lack of portable typing equipment, but what can you do other than try your best within the circumstances? I refuse to let that come between me and finishing, or anything really that I set out to do with this years competition. I was told a few days ago that with a few adjustments I could be unstoppable, so I'm kind of aiming for somewhere near there.

In an attempt at being unstoppable, I'm trying to get myself writing every day and their is the deposit for all my ramblings. Don't worry, you are totally welcome.

This Be The Title,

Oh My God - two blogs in two days! What's the world coming to?!?! 

For those of you that aren't getting the thinly veiled reference in the title, I have a love hate relationship with Philip Larkin. I can't help but respect him though, because he turned down the laureate rather than writing about something he couldn't care for just for a pay check. 

Anyway, less about famous dead guys. The reason for the strangely worded title is not, in fact, lack of imagination and so thinking of someone that inspires me (even if only a little) but in fact a statement of triumphant pleasure after deciding a NaNo project and christening it in the same day. I was thinking of this title for something else, but it doesn't fit with the main character, thus would make no sense, and there's nothing worse than nonsense (unless it's about fairies and then it's totally allowed!) So, during the month of NaNo (yes, world, we renamed November, get over it) I will be writing a novel which bears the title of The Antithesis of a Gentleman. And quite frankly, I don't care if it sounds pretentious - it's no worse than The Disposition of an Idle Mind, which is something else magical I have been working on. Actually, the jury is still out on whether there is magic in that one. 

But yes, The Antithesis of a Gentleman is going to be a little bit special. It's not going to be Fairies-esqe, because there is definitely no magic-magic in it, but it's not going to be like Yours, either, because it's not set in somewhere completely fictional. And yes, I am aware that no one has actually read Yours, yet because in order for it to see the light of day I need to edit it, but I can promise you something. Ain't going to be doing that before NaNo, so the likelihood of it being done this year is pretty much nil. 

- Just had to have a mini Taylor Swift music break and I don't care. :) - 

Anyway, whilst obsessively planning for NaNo (by which I mean planning my snack food and coffee rotation) I'm also having to choose a new hair colour, because the varying shades of ginger that have been ever present the last few months, and the current red aren't really likely to help me find a new job. Especially not the ones I want to go for. 

There have been a fun couple of colours over the last few years, including black, blonde, purple, red, black with a blue tint, aggressive orange and the beautiful ginger the really doesn't match my eyebrows (shame). I'm hoping to not have to go back to anything too boring though. My natural brown doesn't look as great on me as something with a hint of autumn in it. Ah well, can worry about that when I actually have an interview to worry about.

I do think I'm going to do a couple of character sketches for the new novel though. It's like being able to play with it without actually doing anything with the word count. Which by the way sits at 1076. So by the end of NaNo should be 51,076.

What To Do Now,

If you're one of the people that follows this blog, you'll know that a question I have been almost obsessed by recently is what to do now. It's something that I have barely been able to get off of my head recently and I find it really difficult to deal with sometimes, because it's a very frustrating question. 

I can't remember if I have previously made mention of the fact that I have gone back to having driving lessons after a four year hiatus. It's something that I wish I had done earlier because of all the times it would have come in useful, but I'm doing it now. What's more, I even have my theory test booked this time. Granted I did something potentially stupid and booked it in the middle of NaNoWriMo. Do I really want to be attempting practices tests at the same time as writing a novel? Well, no, probably not, but I do want to be able to get this stuff done with as soon as possible, which means getting the theory test done as soon as possible. 

I've been thinking quite a lot about NaNo, and I'm still not sure what I'm going to write. Every project that I want to write at the moment I'm already a good way into and I'm a bit sick of starting things and not finishing them. Also, even if I could think of a project that I wanted to continue for NaNo, I would then have to leave it alone until next Sunday. I would be sat here with a serious itch and my mind going mad trying not to touch it. I can't even distract myself with something else because to then be able to put that down for the whole of NaNo, which I would have to do if I was going to entertain any hopes of finishing, that would be almost impossible, too. 

As if finding a project wasn't bad enough, I also get the joys of debating the pros and cons of typing and writing, and using my quills or one or more of my typewriters. Writing, I can carry everything with me, which is something I have grown a lot more used to, however, aiming for the 15k day as I want to, I can't do that without typing. 

Maybe it's a little ambitious - It's been almost two years since my last competition. I mean, yes, I wrote my dissertation last year, and by the results I got, I kinda smashed it, but that's 9,000 words of fact and research and argument, not 50,000 words of imagination. I also didn't write that whole thing in one day - but I know that some people do. It's been a while since I sat down and really hammered through a novel and to be honest, the prospect of doing it again is pretty terrifying, but not doing it, that seems worse. Worst of all is the idea of making an attempt at it, and then falling on my ass. I like my record of only one loss. 

Right now, I'm trying to think of what I need to do between now and Sunday. Most important of which would be buying a toaster. And doing a Lidl run for excessive amounts of junk food, because one of the key features of writing a novel is gaining weight in the process. For some reason though, I'm more crisps and cream cheese than tons of chocolate. Tons of chocolate makes me ill, and that's not productive. 


I know that I'm over thinking it, as I do with a lot of things, and novels are something that happen when I don't over think, but Christ almighty, I have missed this so much. Except the pre-NaNo illness that always happens. That sucks ass. For now, it's just a waiting game. Roll on next weekend. 

*

No, it's not a flipping snow flake, it's a special speckle, and it happens to be named Charlie. 

So, it's been a week since I last wrote a blog and whilst the world has not shifty immensely in that time, well, not in the grand scheme of things, little things have been happening, and we all love Little Things, (yes, this version, but not only this version) don't we?

I'm sat here with a cup of loose leaf Ceylon (all those who don't drink tea, just read as "fancy tea") thinking about the past week and partly all the stupid things I have done. In case you don't know, I'm a bit of a spanner sometimes, and the joys of that include messing up a hotel booking because the website crashed and I panicked, because I just wanted it sorted so I could go to sleep before my early driving lesson, and stalling the car in the middle of a junction and then just panicking.

But, spanneriness aside, I travelled to Portsmouth on my own (so proud), had a wonderful time at a lovely friend's birthday, chatted with her lovely friends and shamelessly promoted my novel as I have been told I have to but truly detest doing!!! I've also cleaned and half tidied my flat, which is a God, Jesus & The Holy Spirit working in unison kind of miracle. And I have been writing. And missing a laptop. Not the Craptop so much, and definitely not the ridiculous keyboard I bought for my iPad, but a portable computer of some variety that I can fit in my bag. Though if I do look at getting one to work alongside my computer - which, let's face it, is going to present all sorts of technical problems that I don't want to fluff about with really - the key component is going to be the weight of the thing because my old Toshiba was like lugging a bag of bricks everywhere and I don't have the energy for that. I didn't back then either, but not the point. 

Also, do I need another piece of technology that I have to check is not under my pillows before I go to sleep at night. Phone, tablet and fitbit are quite enough, I think.


Anyway, after a week that felt like being on Oblivion at points (video there for those of you who haven't been on it) I'm now trying to turn my attention towards Saturday the 31st of October. No, I don't mean Halloween, I mean Midnight/MyLifeIsOver-NaNoHasBegun NaNo 2015. Oh yes, back to that bittersweet pain in the ass. I think it will be my fifth year to compete. I think. I'm not certain. Meh, that doesn't really matter. What matters is that after being devastated at being only a few hundred words off of a 15k day a few years ago, it's going to happen. I will make it happen. I already have a special tea pot to help. (I much prefer loose leaf tea, but it's a real pain to make it cup by cup, so I can just make it in my tea pot and the have enough to last me through a writing stint. 

I'm kind of worried about this NaNo, because I didn't actually write last year, which felt alien and weird and I regretted so many times and considered trying to catch up, but it wasn't going to happen with my dissertation as well. Also, I've got about three things that I'm really enjoying on the go, but one is too far gone for me to write an additional 50k, one is too involved and my brain would be falling out of the nearest exit and the other one, I don't want to rush, because I've felt like writing it before, then just decided to let it stew for a bit. 

Maybe, if I'm lucky, I can do another Fairies trick, be clueless until day 3/4 and then just play a bloody blinder and have something kind of wonderful pop out of nowhere, but I'm somewhat reluctant to do that. Losing NaNo is not something I do with any kind of poise or grace. I don't know. There's still some time yet. I need to go food shopping between now and then... The last thing I want to do is have another run where when someone asks me when/what I last ate, I can't actually remember what it was or say for certain it was that day. 

This could be a lot of fun... 

Hmm,

One of my favourite writers of all time, since the glorious age of 17, has been John Green. I wish I had some big semi-romantic story of how I fell across his books in a small independent book store in the Northern Quarter, and that the movie of The Fault in Our Stars broke my heart because it was, in parts, such a deviation from the book, but that would be an utter falsehood, hocum story. 

I was told to buy Paper Town by a friend of mine named J, who is beautifully obsessed by it. She would have lent me her's, but the idea of letting out of her sight was too much. I understand that more completely than most people do. To her mind, it is the most perfect of John Green's books. Though I enjoyed it immensely, it is not mine. For me, The Fault in Our Stars was like suffering loss at the hands of a paperback, and the only more perfect version of that loss was the very rare occasion where a film is somehow on par with a book. Taking out one almost insignificant character made that film beyond anything I could ever imagine. Who am I kidding, I was a mess before it even started! Still, not my favourite. No book he can write will ever be what An Abundance of Katherines is to me.

I'm currently sat watching Paper Towns, and wondering why they decided to make this book into a flipping movie. I'm over half way through and I'm not as enthralled as I was with the book, however having the actor who played Gus in there even for less than thirty seconds did make me die a little bit on the inside. In a good way. 

My biggest fear now is that they will try and find a way of making An Abundance of Katherines into a movie, but part of me wants to see that. Part of me wants to see the part when the graphs are sketched in chalk across the screen with the film still playing in the background slightly out of focus, I want to see what they make of Katherine the Many. I want to see them bring it to life and tell the story in a whole new way, so I can fall in love with it all over again. But I don't want them to destroy something that made sense to me with so much ease.

I owe a lot to Paper Towns. It was the emotional band aid that made it okay when my life fell apart and I couldn't make it fall back together. Because some people need tears and Malteasers the way I need books. The film, I know, would not have been enough. 

What do you do with a BA in English,

Or rather Philosophy, if you're not the leading character of Avenue Q. 

I'd apologise for the silence, but I would feel like some sort of reason must be given as to what I have been doing instead of blogging, but quite frankly there has been nothing much really. Or things which have been happening have been personal and I haven't really wanted to share. The problem has been that I have struggled to know quite which way is up due to a lot of different factors, and I haven't really been dealing with myself very well, which has made me strip everything back and not quite start again, but rethink a lot of things. 

Recently I found out that I do now in fact have a degree, and not before time, too. I have finally become a graduate, though my time to walk across the stage in cap and gown is a delight that December will bring, and I can't wait for it. As much as the last four years have presented me with many traumas, I feel glad for the fact that I have finally made it through and the whole thing can have a new level of worth to me. 

Even more recently I ended an argument I had been having with myself and decided that the anxiety I get from the idea of getting behind the wheel of a car doesn't constitute a good reason not to do it, so this morning, more than four years on from my last proper driving lesson, I was driving around London, and somehow managing to not crash the car. Whilst I freely admit I am still anxious about driving and the idea of parallel (why is that word so difficult to spell!?!) parking is still something that sounds monstrous and makes me feel sick, the idea of driving in general is not something which I think of as utterly horrifying and completely beyond me. Which is quite nice, because I used to really enjoy driving..

I know it's not over yet, but this year has been a difficult one. There have been times where I have wondered whether I would finish my degree, whether I would ever live in a place where I would be comfortable and settled, whether I would be able to stay in London after my degree, and even times where I have questioned whether I would be best off just giving up on my dream of writing altogether and submitting myself to something much more manageable, but then I look at the bookcase of notebooks in the corner of my bedroom and wonder if all those ideas and characters and things can really fit back inside my head, let alone in a small box to gather memory dust and become faded. Could I really ever take myself away from something which redefined solitude to a place which was not lonely, but full of whatever I wanted? Would it really be possible for me to put down the notebooks that I have carried with me for so long and pretend that they never mattered? Because that's what giving up on this dream equates to. 

Imaginations don't have an on/off switch. Were there a way to turn them off, I'm not sure that I would turn off mine. It's true that sometimes my mind goes off on such tangents that I wonder how to get it back and all important thoughts seem to believe that they are relieved of duty and disappear into the night, but it's worth being a bit of a dingbat in order to be able to create something... 

I guess, more than anything, I've felt in a bit of a crisis as to what to do next. The last thing I want is to remain stationary and I flatly refuse to do it. It's time for me to figure out what comes next and just jump for it, but there are so many roads to choose. 

Are There Any Aminals In Here?,

I feel slightly like Lilo stepping into the back of the pet rescue centre at the moment, looking at this thing again and wondering if it is alive or not... 

Anyway, things have been hectic, I was without proper internet for a while, but from here, things are on the up. 

I'm finally living on my own in a wonderful little flat where if I want to potter around at the weekends and not do much, I can. I can basically do what I want for all the time I'm not working. As much as it sounds all OCD, I can be in control of what happens in my living space, and that is such a calming experience for me. 

I've also got my degree results, which has taken long enough, but I am so happy it's here. I'm finally able to move on with my life. 


Anyway, I have a lot to do, and should really be aiming to be in bed in an hour! More on this later!

Butterflies,

So, occasionally there are things I want to do, and I make a commitment to them, and then life doesn't pan out the way I think it will and so things go slightly off course. Or very off course. 

I had committed myself to the idea of writing every day in June, and I wanted to stick to that, but I haven't. In many ways it has been a difficult month. Finishing university felt like such a flooding relief because I didn't have such an amazing time of it, as has been evident, but the thing is, my expectations of myself were really unreasonable and I felt as though I would have all of this freedom and not know what to do with it. The actual fact is I have been run down and exhausted from going back to working full time and it's all felt pretty none stop. I have made myself feel quite ill by just throwing myself at it at full force instead of allowing myself to just stop and just be for a bit.

The good news is I have been writing, just not on here. 

I'd love to say that I have got a new novel finished or been editing or something, but the fact is that I am struggling. 

I'm tired and I'm not doing great at being healthy - in the sense of eating three proper meals a day and sleeping properly and making sure I'm taking all my vitamins and such. More than anything, I've been coasting myself along a little in lieu of a major kick up the arse. 

The fact is that at some point I need to accept that I'm 22, not 17. I'm not on a summer away from college and I don't have a separate study where I can hide out, not eat, work frantically from when I wake up at 10 in the morning and only hear my stomach yelling "feed me!" at something past four in the afternoon. If writing is something I want to do, and it is, I need to get my life sorted and be able to accept that things are different from before. I am no longer able to throw all my time at it, because I have to keep a job, pay bills and all that sort of thing. 

Saying that, there is a lot of things I could learn from 17 year old me, and I'm trying to.

Despite a habit of being something of a jeans girl, I put so much effort into how I looked at 17, not because I needed anyone else to tell me I looked good, and not because wolf whistlers don't piss me off, but because it's something of an ego boost when you walk out of the house thinking, everyone else can think what they think, because I am happy with how I look today.

On the other hand, 17 year old me is just going to have to accept that maybe Scivener isn't as bad as she thought. 

The overarching thing that I am trying to emphasise is this - the somewhat constant state of flux which my life is currently in means that I am kind of awful at making concrete plans for what to do with my noveling career, but the fact is that I am no more willing to accept that it's a pipe dream than I was at 17. If anything, the last few years have taught me to respect the fact that I can't change who and what I am, and an integral part of that has always been, and will always be, the dream of being able to write, and publish and anything else is just a bonus.

I'm Going to Count This as the Fourth,

So, I'm making dinner at midnight and trying to figure out what I will need for a weekend being even further south than the last four years have made me used to. 

Any sort of special occasion that requires dressing up, make-up and a damn good excuse to go for a little pampering in the hair salon is a great occasion to me, so I am looking forward to evening coming together and looking a little bit fabulous (I don't even care if that's arrogant :)) The on,y down side is going to be having to set off in the car at half past five in the morning, but thankfully I'm not the one driving (that hasn't happened in a few years!!) 

The only problem is that I want to do a million things at once right now because I feel like I have finally got my life back - even though I've started working full time. Ah lol, life will go on as it will.

So, I messed up a little,

As I am sure many of you are aware, I made a commitment on this blog just a few weeks ago to write a blog a day for the whole of June and, as you can see, I haven't managed to that thus far. One of the problems is that I am finally getting to catch up with all the things I put on hold whilst university needed to be my focus. The other is I've become quite into the writing off another new novel: The Disposition of an Idle Mind. TDIM for short hand.

In many ways, I have been thinking about it for years. I have been thinking about it, dreaming about it, and in some ways living it since as long as I can remember loving writing. It would be a complete lie to say that it is the only thing that I love or the thing which I love the most in the world, but if any of the things I have ever written have been my little pet projects, this is. And it will be beautiful.

So will Yours, when I actually manage to get it edited. 

Hello Out There,

It feels like forever since I last did this, but it's actually been less than a month and I'm pretty thankful for that. 

It's been a hell of a month with a few different things going on and in all honesty, it has been making it difficult to be able to just get through my university stuff, without thinking about anything else, but I have realised something and I hope I never forget this again. ~ No matter what is happening in my life, I can't let go of the things which are important to me, because it makes me lose my grip on reality a little bit. 

What I mean in particular is things like politics, novelling, live music events and all the things I enjoyed pre-uni. And all the people I enjoyed spending time with pre-uni. 

I am glad it is nearly over, because I want to have a life that isn't all about imposed deadlines and reading things I don't want to read and I'm not interested in. If you've been reading this blog for a while (first off, thank you and second) I can be quite a passionate person about the things that matter to me. Unfortunately I no longer feel that way about my degree. I have found that I feel that way about my job though, or some aspects of it, which is why I'm looking at staying within the same industry. 

I think it's at least in part because of the fact that it gives me time, as well as experiences with such a wide range of people and that never really hurt. I have time to figure out what I want to do, time to spend doing the things I love, time to spend with the people I love and time to live in a city that still has the power to make me fall in love with it over and over again despite me having lived here for getting close to four years. 

I want things to change after I have finished university and although I know that I will still take a while to get Yours, to the point where it can be published onto the Kindle and Kindle apps, I'm going to make a commitment to blogging every day in June, just to get myself back into the swing of sitting, thinking and writing at least once every day.

Anyway, 6 days until the exam, so I'd better get back to it...

A Fairy Walked into a Bar and Said...

I keep wanting to be able to find time to write blogs, but life (as described in the previous blog) is still bing quite relentless, and I am requiring more and more Relentless (and Red Bull and coffee) just to get through the days.

Feeling tired and achey and ill a lot makes all this finishing uni stuff very, very hard, and it's made even harder by the fact that my tutors only consolation is to say, well, if you need any extensions or deferrals, just drop us a line. I don't think they realise that I have had quite enough of all of this stuff and would like it Over and Done With (like the song by The Proclaimers) as soon as is humanly, okay Charlie-ly possible. 

The most annoying part of it all is sitting back and assessing how my life is now, and realising that all along, I never needed a degree to do what I want to do with my life, or the jobs that will support me whilst I try my hardest to do what I want to do. In one way, it makes me angry, frustrated and a lot of other things at once, but then again, I made the choices I made at 18 for a reason, and I'm making the choices I'm making at 22 for different reasons, and it is a bit redundant for me to try and classify either of them as inherently wrong. 

Okay, so university hasn't been the best thing in my life so far, okay, it has taken me an extra year to get through it, okay, I could have been doing the job I do now four years ago, but I wouldn't be the same person, Yours, wouldn't be the same novel, I might not have met my wonderful partner and the sky might have fallen down and painted the grass blue. I keep having to remind myself not to think about the choices I have already made, and to just make the ones in front of me, but it is very hard.

There have been so many things I have wanted to write little blog posts about, but everything university related is taking up the majority of my time and energy at this moment, but the end is now somewhere in sight. By the 22nd May, this will all be over.

I'll see you then... (never type on iPad bluetooth keyboards - typos suck!)

If Only Everything Were Simple,

It almost physically irritates me reading my last blog, and thinking, oh you had time to write, did you? Whilst that was the case then, I feel like, at the moment, I only have the time to attempt to plan to get through the ever expanding to do list that has become my life, and unfortunately it seems like writing and editing and formatting and cover designing and all that lovely stuff that I actually enjoy in some sort of a vague way gets shoved even further down the list because "life" is happening first. 

Now, of course, you could naively ask me what I mean by that, and let's assume you have, because then I can pretty much give you the list :

Whilst attempting to do those amazing things which independence brings of washing, ironing, cleaning, tidying, folding stuff to avoid reironing it (hanging it in such a way that you don't really have to iron it, cooking, etc and all those fun things that you have to do to stay alive, like sleeping, eating and drinking copious amount of tea, there is also this other miscellaneous crap that comes under the definition of 'life' too, such as going to work, attending lectures, doing shopping (that was nearly an amazing typo...) looking for a new job (deciding what you fancy doing as said new job) attending interviews, filling in application forms and the most amazing one of them all FINISHING UNIVERSITY....

Now really, let's face it, that should be pretty simple, because I've had an extra year at practicing how to do all the things I need to do for university, but unfortunately that also involves stressing out at every major obstacle thrown in my direction and, believe me, there have been a considerable number already. 

I have roughly two and a half months left where I am legitimately still a university student, and in that time I have two more coursework essays, three end of year essays, an exam to sit and a dissertation to hand in. Now, it all doesn't seem like too much considering the fact that I can pretty much run my life as I want to in April, BUT there have been several hurdles, including but by no means limited to, having halted work on my dissertation at the end of January in order to wait for feedback which has still not arrived, not actually being able to find the information for essay topics on the online system, not having even the vaguest clue as to what on Earth this beast of an exam may entail...

I don't know if it's just feeling like a lot at the moment with the addition of a whole load of other crap, or if I'm genuinely coping with the most official form of growing up since I moved out at eighteen reasonably well, instead of flapping like a duck with something stuck to it's tail feathers, but I don't even really have time to sit down and assess that as a situation, because I have too much else to do!, but pretty soon, (arguably it is both too soon and not soon enough within the same breath) it will all be over and done with, and life will march on in a direction (though what direction is not immediately clear). I may even come to miss this...

So, I'm still writing periodically - mainly in brief fits and starts when I have a few moments on public transport or before I fall asleep - and avoiding editing like the plague, and hoping for that one magical day in the future where I will actually have the time AND the inclination to be able to work towards the career that I have tentatively set my heart on since and inappropriately young age, but maybe that really is me being too much of a dreamer.

In A Happier Place,

So, as I have said previously, I moved this weekend, and by God it was stressful, as these things tend to be, but was made a lot better by the fact that my lovely Ben and his wonderful father, did most of it for me, which meant that I couldn't really flap about much. Granted, I'm not completely done yet, and the next few months are a busy mess of stress, but the place I have moved to is quite lovely. 

Even though I'm above a pub, it's quiet, and relaxing which is magical, and it means that I can sleep. I'm also walking distance to work which is just lovely, even though walking there is more of a theory than something I will actually do, at least until we move into our new office and I stop wearing a satchel bag that pulls my shoulders in funny directions. 

And the best thing about it all is that I feel like I actually have time to sit and write, though I'm still not overly fussed with the idea of editing much. I don't even mind the reformatting everything, it's just editing is boring. Really boring. I hate commas!

In other news, I hope a lot of you have taken full advantage of the Kindle version of Fairies being free over the last few days - if not, I believe you have a few hours to do so. :)

Everything In It's Place, Even If That Does Mean The Floor,

Generally, if someone asks me where something in my room is, the answer is preceded by a lengthy erm, and normally sounds something like, I last saw it on the floor near the... Currently that is not the case, and no, it's not because I have started believing in all that tidy room tidy mind ----stuff (really trying not to swear at the moment and it's really difficult!!) that other people spout. No, it's because I am moving out of my current abode into somewhere new, in another different part of London.

As much as it's really exciting, but also really stressful because of the actual physical transportation from House A to Flat B, what I find more frustrating is that because the majority of my stuff has already been boxed by a slightly over-enthusiastic Ben and myself yesterday, I keep thinking oh, I could do... oh, no I can't, it's in a box, or I could wear, ... no, also in a box. It's only those times where you can't get to them, such as when you're moving or on holiday that you think of those really obscure pieces of clothing that live at the back of your wardrobe on any normal occasion and you think, yeah, that's what would make me the happiest person I can be right now. I think my brain actually like me being like, well, that sucks. 

Another fantastic example of this is thinking about novel notebooks that I haven't touched for so long that they required dusting before packing - and yes, there is a point to that, and it's so you don't transport the old dust to your new place der, I am not the weird one here -.- - and they're now in the bottom of a big box, which is at the bottom of a big pile and behind a stack of other, let's call it what it is, crap (and no, that is NOT a swear word, just FYI) so of course my brain now goes, here are all the wonderfully magical things we could do with this... And I end up being like, Dear Brain, Hold your horses, Chill your bean and Keep you ----socks together for just a week and then we will make all of these magical dreams come novelliciously true, but I already know that is not going to happen, because using the words Calm down to my imagination is like telling me Don't stress, and if you want to know how pointless that is, speak to my boyfriend, because he really knows. Yeah, if my brain and I had a contract, I would be seriously trying to renegotiate it's concept of when it's acceptable to be thinking about novels, because this flexitime nonsense that it has going on at the moment is just not really working for me. I genuinely worry that I will be in work at some point, someone will tell me about some vicious ailment they have and I'm going to spout some glittery garbage about how I'm dispatching the unicorns to fix it. As much as it would probably be amusing for a few minutes, I'm pretty sure that I would end up some combination between sectioned and fired, and none of those look too pretty from where I am sitting.

So, I have a to do list longer than any piece of string, and it seems to casually keep getting bigger, I have two Orchids to attempt to move without inducing plant-y panic attacks, and my very antique typewriter is currently in quite a lot of bits across my coffee table, which if you follow me on Twitter, you will have seen. As much as the many parts are now a severe amount cleaner than they were when he was all together, he's not quite as easy to put back together as I thought/hoped, though I'm pretty sure that I have it in theory now, it's just the actual practical getting all the screws back in the right place, but I've felt that way about driving for a while - as in, I'm well aware how to do it, it's just actually getting my brain to stop going ARGGGGGGH, I DON'T LIKE THIS!!! WE'RE BEHAVING LIKE TOO MUCH OF AN ADULT!! MAKE IT STOP!!! and to actually engage with the task at hand, aka not crashing, is a "little bit" more difficult than I have ever hoped for.

Basically, the upshot of all of that is that the novel that was meant to be edited by the end of last year might end up getting put off until the end of this year... I don't know. It'll happen when it happens, and I'm far too comfortable with that fact quite frankly. It also means that I'm probably not going to be posting blogs as often as I would like, and I am attempting quite loosely to aim at once a week this year, and if I could set aside an hour, of one day every week then I would be like 'here's the day I will attempt to publish it on' but considering how chaotic just everything is, I don't really think there is much point. But, the good thing is that the a forenamed 'computer which potentially works' ought to now be known as 'Zeus' because he's fast as lightening, has a funny symbol on the front that looks like Zeus' headdress and also because he is basically the God of all my writing machinery, so might as well be named such, so when he and I move into our new place, we have no worries of major technically hiccups getting in the way of dissertationing, blogging or general wordsmithy, so that is a major plus.

So, essentially, follow the yellow brick twitter page....

And After Less Than Two Hours of Not Being Connected to the Internet, Charlie Lost a Little Bit More of Her Mind,

If I'm not careful, the titles for these are going to end up being longer than the posts...

Anyway, before my power line adaptors forgot what their role in life is, I was going to call this post Just Because You Have a Voice Box, Doesn't Mean Your Voice Has To Stay In It's Box. As an ex-Northerner, I'm a little bit 'over friendly' for London, and it scares some Southerners shitless - I'm not even kidding. Talking on the Tube is pretty much banned unless you are reasonably intimately acquainted with the person that you're having the conversation with. Anyone, well, anyone Northern would think you were discussing the contents of your knicker drawer if they saw the look on some people's faces.

Point is, as often happens, I struck up a lovely conversation with someone, from something which many would see as insignificant - A typewriter on a notebook. Now, going past the philosophical garbage that we could spout in relation to The Fault in Our Stars, and how the typewriter was not a real typewriter... Basically we got talking about typewriters, novelly things, NaNoWriMo and the busy-ness of London living, though not necessarily in that order. It kind of got me thinking that people don't really connect enough.

So here is what I mean by that:

I don't mean that we don't have enough of a connection to the people we meet, because I know a lot of people who will add you on Facebook because you happened to go to the same university, at the same time, even though you have probably NEVER and probably WILL NEVER actually come across that person and have anything like a meaningful conversation!!!! (I was trying not to rant, honestly, it just didn't work) however there are other people whose lives we sort of merrily skip in and out of very quickly without thinking bugger social convention, I'm going to give this person a conversational cuddle, and also, if they ask for my advice or ask me a question about something I possibly know something about, I'm going to answer it, instead of just being an ignorant mug and attempting to be an island from everyone that I don't already know. If that is you, you're attitude stinks - no offence. Okay, maybe a little offence.

The fact is, we all have things that we are the absolute tits at, and other things which make us look and feel like an absolute tit, and whilst we could sit and have a moan about how that sucks and we wish we could be better at whatever it is that makes us look like a giant tit, we could be slightly pro-active and find someone to help us get better - EVEN IF THAT PERSON IS OUTSIDE OF OUR LITTLE SOCIAL CIRCLE - or accept that we suck at it, but we're awesome at something else, and celebrate our own awesome alongside other people's awesome. Like drinking great champagne to celebrate something, and also celebrating that the people that made said champagne really knew how to bottle the stars.

I've always wanted everything I write to fit together in a straight sort of way, almost like checking back in with some of the older characters later on in their life, but also to see that the world is not actually as big as we think it is - I ran into my cousin in Kings Cross once when I didn't even know she was in London for God's sake! - so rather than making our own world's smaller with this idea that the world is too big for us to do something amazing in it, just have a conversation with someone else and maybe make their day a bit better, if someone says they're struggling with something you can do, just help them. This world can be bad enough on it's own.

Wonderfully Inconvenient Sleeping Issues,

So, maybe it's connected to the same thing as my brain earthquakes (otherwise known as headaches and migraines, but I've always enjoyed a slight flare of the dramatic) and too much time exposed to computers, tablets, iPhones etc is causing my sleeping pattern to be really out of whack with my life, or maybe it really was the perfect life that summer I spent sleeping from 2am to 10am then being briskly effective for most of the day, but something is causing my body clock to be on a different time zone to my lifestyle. Tomorrow morning, well, this morning I guess, I have to be up at 7 and then play a game of hunt down the office, since I don't know whether we have successfully moved building or not over the weekend, and yet it's five past midnight and I'm waiting for the tiredness to kick in.

It's not even like I haven't had a busy day, I've been working on my dissertation and that's quite the brain ache. I've even been outside and had a brisk walk in the fresh air, which was absolutely marvellous, but still, not tired. Okay, getting a little bit tired now, but only just....

Anyway, back to the ranting and raving (and not about Papa Johns) - I feel really restricted at the moment with what I can actually do with my time and it's rather frustrating, because it's not like there isn't a million and one things I would actually like to be able to do! 

For example, I really wish that my GoodReads 2015 Book Challenge goal was something more than 10 books for this year, but I'm trying to be realistic. The likelyhood of my actually getting through 10 books that aren't philosophy and ethics related is propably also quite low, but if you don't aim, you shoot your own toes off and that is never going to end too well. I also would love to partcipate in the fantastic nerd along knitting that's been running for the past two years, in amongst all the finish writing x,y and z novels and edit a whole bunch of stuff, too, but alas, the dissertation and third year essays must come first, so that I can walk out of university in May and draw a massive, thick, Sharpie black ruler straight line under the whole thing, and find a new direction to head in that doesn't bore me to the point that I REALLY wish I could sleep because I've had four Goddam years of this now!!!! But annnnnnyyyway Yeah, basically, there are plenty of other things I want to be able to do, but until the end of May, I can kiss goodbye to any hope of actually having the time to commit to any of it.

More than anything, it's frustrating, and frustration is not a fun or easy emotion to deal with, especially when I really can't be bothered to go to the gym because I'm just being so lazy. I keep reading signs that say new year, new you and I just have a good little inward chuckle because I know that the rehanging of a new calendar with slightly different numbers makes absolutely no odds to me really, so as much as there were some pretty fireworks and a day off to avoid the majority of the country going into work with a raging hang over, nothing really changed and I don't really give a toss. Anyway, baring in mind that I need to be in work, and preferably functional, in less than 9 hours, I bid you goodnight. 

No, I Didn't Keel Over In a Corner, I Just Feel Like I Did,

Figured I should just get this out of the way whilst I have a spare twenty minutes - Yay, first post of 2015 *moderate sarcasm for those who don't know me too well* -.-

The last two months have been a kind of crazy blur. Third year is turning out reasonably well since I've managed to submit all my essays on time - win! - and the results I have got back have all been 2:1s - a win deserving cheesecake - now if only my dissertation were going so swimmingly... Let's call it a day there, rather than discuss that one.

So, what else has been happening? Well, my university seems ready to drop off the face of the earth, I went see Hollywood Undead and had to go steaming 'tup Norf for a family funeral. I've never understood why the word fun occurs in funeral, because they never really are...

Anyway, Christmas and New Year and everything like that happened and Yours, is still not finished, my head's still buzzing with characters - arguably more than ever - and I don't really know where to find the time to start writing let alone where in this web of lives to start writing. I mean, I love them all, how can I choose? 

It's also difficult because my wrists are so damn sore that I can't type properly, or hold a pen without pain, and the only other alternative is my newer quill. It's absolutely delightful, but I'm so scared of dropping it and shattering it that I almost hate using it as much as I love it! 

So I'm stuck in a place where I'm not sure if writing, typing and knitting is actually making my wrist better or worse, but since there is no other option but to plow headlong through life, that's kind of what I am attempting.