I Wrote About The Afterlife, But I Never Really Lived More Than An Hour,

Firstly, let me say that that statement is categorically untrue, but I have become more than a little obsessed with Fall Out Boy over the last couple of weeks (I've somehow been worse since the gig, which doesn't normally happen) so there are a few lyrics that I have been singing a lot, and the original version of that has definitely been in the mix a few times (it's from Saturday, for anyone even slightly less obsessed than I am) and I thought it would make a good blog title. Or a tattoo, but since I don't have any tattoos and equally don't have any plans to change that, the blog title will have to do. 

With everything that has been going on I've been thinking a lot about writing. I guess that with everything going on with NaNo it's had me reflecting on how much of an impact it really had on me, given that until the first year of NaNo I had never actually written a full novel. And actually, it took me until 8 months after the finish of my first NaNo to achieve that feat, but it's been an incredible learning curve all the same. It's not always been easy. There have been plenty of times where NaNo has made me feel pretty ill. NaNoFlu kicked my ass more than freshers flu did, partly because I've had it far more often. And then there was what happened seven years ago.

Seven years ago I was writing something that I loved, that I was proud of, something that I finished on Day 9 and then tragedy struck. I am pretty sure that it was my first 20k day (I checked, it was), the year we went to Brighton, and it was then the year that my computer ate my novel, and honestly, I never forgave it. I know it was my fault for not backing the damn thing up, but it was a busy just over a week, and I thought my computer had it. I didn't click save when I shut the laptop, the battery died and cleared the temp files and when I turned it back on the file was corrupted, the novel was gone and there was nothing that any of my IT inclined friends could do to bring it back, and I was heart broken. I still have the files on my computer, but I don't know why. One of those people had run it through every recovery program that they could think of, and it was well and truly gone.

Since that happened, I haven't really been able to put the same effort into a novel that I did into that one. It felt like a little bit of my love for writing died that day, and honestly, it has taken until now or recently at least, for me to think about writing the same way again, because I want to write a sequel to Fairies and I want to love it as much as I love that book. I don't know if that is going to happen, but I would like it to. 

It's not just the writing, is the thing. What I remember about Fairies is that I spent a long time editing that book, and went over it and over it and over it, and then after I self-published it, needed to pull it and then do another edit on it, because something had gone wrong even after I went over it, edited it and had beta readers go over it, too. I think that, subconsciously, I knew that throwing that much energy into writing something and then editing it, and potentially losing it even if through my own idiocy, was far more than I could cope with at the time. I mean, one of the reasons I never considered applying or querying to the 'traditional' publishing route was because I was terrified of being rejected from it, and I know that it's highly likely to happen, because pretty much everyone gets rejected (at least once or twice, but more often a lot more times than that). 

Anyway, the fact that I have been thinking about writing in this way is really positive, or at least I think it is, and maybe it means that one of the novels I have been drafting for the last few years (including a redraft of the one that got deleted or corrupted or however you want to say it) is actually going to see the light of day at some point. Maybe. 

What Comes Next,

My last blog was about what is happening with NaNoWriMo at the moment, and whilst I am hoping that the efforts of the board and others are successful in recovering the organisation enough for it to weather this storm, there's something uncomfortable about interacting with the organisation at the moment, even just to record my word count. I've been keeping all of my writing activities off site, which is only in part because there is no word processor on the main NaNo site.

I had been entering a word count each day that is the lowest daily word count for the site I'm using to write (4 The Words) as my word count for NaNo for the day, but I've been writing a lot more than that and I just don't know how to bring myself to keep a track of my word count through NaNo, because it feels like continuing to associate with an organisation I just can't bring myself to agree with.

It's at a stage where I have been involved in more NaNoWriMos than I haven't (14/25) and I've done it for nearly half of my life, and honestly I don't think I would know what to do with my November without it, but I also know that it's not the same without the community that we have, because all of these writers doing the same thing at the same time is a kind of support that you don't tend to get elsewhere. Although Round of Words in 80 Days and other supportive projects exist, they're not the same, and I just don't feel the same way about them as I do about NaNo, so this whole thing feels like a waiting game to see what comes out of the organisation, or if something else steps in to take over. Other than that, I'll stick to 4 The Words, and hopefully be able to get to the stage where I can finally crack through drafts of a few novels that have been sitting in my head for years. 

So I guess the answer to the question of what comes next doesn't really have an answer just yet, and I don't know when it will have and that's a really nerve wracking position to be in, but I guess that that's where we (WriMos) all are right now.

What Is Happening With NaNo?

 Right, so without rehashing all of the details of what has already been shared on so many different platforms now, I want to talk about what is going on with NaNoWriMo, why it's important and why it sucks.

Once a time, in what was actually a different century, way back in 1999, twenty one writers decided to do something a little bit crazy and try to write fifty thousand words (the industry standard minimum length for a novel) in a month. I was going to write 'in thirty days' but I want to say the original one happened in July, so it wouldn't have been thirty days!

From humble beginnings it became something incredible, because it spread across the globe, with participants in a number of different languages, with forums and somewhere in the last 25 years, the Young Writer's Program was born, and the program started support, well, young writers. You have to be 13 to be on the forums, or to have an account which doesn't have your parent's email address on it, but you can job younger, particularly if your teacher or another educator is running a program to help get young people writing. You can also access the main forums from age 13 as well, where young writers can ask question of, less young writers, or can just discuss life, the universe and anything else. 

Somewhere along the way, because of a number of different reasons, the forums have become a problem both on the 'main' site and also on the YWP and there are a lot of details to that, and it's shit, because these spaces are a refuge for many of us, a haven for many of us, and they have been the space where we are social, where we find our answers and where we find our friends. These spaces are sacred in a way, but right now, they're locked, and that is the way that they should stay until they can be managed safely.

Writers are a lot like other artists; they're strong but they're also really fragile. There's been trauma dumping going on in the forums which is difficult enough for an international group of adults, but when it happens in the children's space and kids are feeling the pressure of supporting other people, particularly their friends through significant mental health issues, something is going wrong. When users of a forum can't rely on the people there to protect them, even when it's from each other, there is a major problem. Some of the issues have been so significant that they have required reporting to law enforcement and that's a really sticky situation, because of the international nature of the group.

I don't think anyone ever imagined, back in 1999 that we would reach a peak of 400,000 people (I think that was during COVID) and still be around 350,000 people today. Well, we were before these issues became so universally known. The impact of that change and the global reach of the website have made this project a lot more complicated than could have been anticipated back then, and another accusation that has been banded about over the last few years particularly, is that the projects are still very much America-centric. For a number of us, that is categorically true. Participation is possible, but different for international people. When I flew to America in 2018 because of NaNoWriMo I was one of two people who had flown over and the other lady was from Germany. Everyone else was from somewhere in America (except for one of the staff who was from Canada). Now I know that's a least in part because it was an utter privilege to be able to do it, but at the same time, it's the biggest event of NaNoWriMo and there wasn't really anything like virtual participation. I'm not sure what the answer is for something like that, but being focused mostly on America is a problem, particularly when it comes to fundraising. 

One of the big reasons that this is so bad is because NaNo has been hanging on by a thread for a long time. Things that were planned upgrades for the sites weren't able to happen because there was just no budget. The organisation does have sponsors, but the majority of the operating budget is from donations and those donations have a long way to stretch. They fund the websites, the forums, the staff, the packs sent to schools which support YWP as well as the gifts given to MLs (regional leads) to say thank you for their support, as well as the stickers that are sent to regions with MLs for participants. There are designers to pay, tech support and so much more. Anything which affects public opinion of the organisation, like the accusations that have been made, always impacts the financial contributions that are received by the organisation and the capacity to recover from that is going to be stretched because there wasn't a lot of buffer anyway.

The worse part, even than the money because we have worked with less, is that the trust in the organisation could be shattered beyond repair. If things aren't resolved for the YWP, those young people might be lost from the organisation for good, and if adults manage to replace what the organisation gives them with something else, then the entire community that has been built could be slashed to bits, and actually it looks like it is happening, or it is very close to happening. 

Having been part of this since I was 16, I know how important the organisation has always been to me, but I also know that keeping it is not an at all costs thing, and that has only really come about because of the fact that losing it has been a very real possibility in the last few weeks. Without it being the safe space that it should be for everyone, it doesn't have anything like the same value. We're working with the forums shut down and honestly it's fragmented the community more than destroyed it, but I guess that's a kind of destruction. 

I Hate The Word Deserve,

Right, I realise that admitting to watching trash TV like Married At First Sight is the sort of thing that can really divide opinions, but it's a bit like Fifty Shades of Grey - once you've started there's something a little bit addictive about it so you stick with it. I still blame Nicholas Sparks for me starting reading that (and I still can't believe I got to ask Nicholas Sparks for advice on writing, but that's another tangent.)

I've been watching it this evening because I needed a little bit of light relief from something else that's been going on that I'm not discussing in detail (if you follow NaNoWriMo, you probably already know) but honestly, it's winding me up.

There are a couple of people talking about what they want (which is fair enough) and what they deserve, and the bit of what they deserve is getting on my nerves. I know it's just because my head is in a bit of a weird space at the moment, but I find it really grating because people in general so often do not get what they deserve. I'm not just talking about relationships, though it's true, a lot of times people really do not get what they 'deserve' in relationships, but just in general, people don't get what they 'deserve'. 

The majority of our community doesn't 'deserve' what's happening at the moment, in losing access to a big part of our community, even if the expectation is that it will be temporary. The young people who have been through so much and have supported each other didn't deserve any of the things that they have been talking about having happened to them. The people who are currently having to clean up this situation and are having to deal with everyone's emotions, be it sadness, frustration or anger, do not deserve what is being thrown at them. 

Personally, I think I deserve a good night's sleep, but that's not happened for a very long time. Trying to think about the last time I actually slept properly makes me want to cry because it was the last time I felt really and properly safe, and that was quite a bit of time ago now. 

Honestly, as I said earlier in this, I know it is partly because of the headspace that I am in. I'm not a big fan of the word triggered, but there is definitely something that happens in my brain that means sometimes, things just land differently and get right under my skin so quickly, and it happens a lot more when I'm tired, when I'm stressed or when everything is just too loud and I don't know how to try and calm it down. And also when I am either under or over caffeinated, and it doesn't happen very often that I keep a perfect balance. 

Now That's Done,

 When NaNoWriMo wasn't quite here this year I was thinking, I know what I want to write. I want to re-write a novel I have been drafting and redrafting for quite a while and I'm still not happy with and then I also want another crack at drafting Butterflies (yes, the sequel to Fairies). In the end, I have started on neither. 

I started drafting something that I thought was going to be really cool and then it just kind of drifted off until I got bored and then the second was another redraft of something I've been trying to write for a while and getting nowhere with. It's a whole world I've been kind of living in for a while, stewing in because I enjoy it, but I've still not quite found where the story is in it at the moment, and that hasn't changed right now.

Anyway, today, on Day 8, partly with the help of the 4 The Words Multiplayer mode and partly because I was having a rare and lovely dopamine day, so I hammered through the last eight or so thousand words I needed to write and came to the end, but maybe that means that I can write what I want to now, because I don't need to be thinking about word count as much, though I am still thinking about getting through the quests I want to in 4 The Words, which is a good because if it keeps me writing then that would be amazing.

As much as the pressure of NaNoWriMo can be excellent, but I think it has also squashed my head a little bit. I have felt guilt about not writing like I haven't felt since, well, since last November. It hurts my head to be looking at the screen for as long as I've needed to in order to finish this quickly. It's hurt my hands, because it's gotten so cold recently and even when I put the heating on for an hour it doesn't make it feel warm enough for the amount of exercise my fingers get. 

I think this is getting ramble again because I do actually have a really bad headache, I'm looking forward to going to Starbucks tomorrow for my Eggnog Latte reward, and I'm considering getting the very patient shih tzu a steak to celebrate having done the worst of it. 

It's Like November Started And You Forgot What The Blog Was,

I was going to say that November started much like any other November, but that would be a total fib.

Every other November I have ever participated in NaNoWriMo has begun with a really bad pizza - because once it's a tradition, it's a tradition, even if it sucks - and either napping or waiting up for midnight to get in those precious words just after midnight so that you start the month right. It used to be a couple of hundred words, but developed into I had to write a thousand words before  bed, or I needed to get to first day par (1,667 words) before bed. I have never, and once upon a time had thought I would never, go out on Hallowe'en night, let alone to a concert in another city, before the start of NaNoWriMo, because that sort of thing is craziness. NaNoWriMo is the most important thing for me when it comes to November. It has been since I first found out about NaNo from one of my online writing buddies, Fong.

This year, seeing Fall Out Boy live again, no matter when, no matter where, was the most important. I was praying that they were going to play their cover of We Didn't Start The Fire, but they didn't. I struggled for weeks to get a ticket and then one came up in Birmingham for Hallowe'en night and I just jumped on it. I didn't think of the consequences much before I bought the ticket and when I had bought it I only thought about the fact that if I had a camper van already - it's more of a long term goal than that sadly - I would just hunker down and start NaNo in a different city and drive home when I was happy with my word count. Let's face it, I would have been thinking I was going to basically live in Birmingham for a few days. As it was, the gig was going to finish at about 11 and I was going to drive straight home after getting out of the multi-storey car park, and that would mean I was home by about one. Maybe half one, but probably one.

During the gig I made a few friends as I so often do, and then I then found out a few of them were going to struggle to get home, so I offered to drive them. The result of that was I didn't get the Burger King that I was craving - not really a massive loss, I guess - and I didn't get home until about 4 in the morning. I got in, made a brew and then I don't really remember where I was when I started writing, whether I was sitting on my sofa or if I got straight into bed and started writing, but I did one of the two having skilfully resisted the urge to sit in a motorway service station and write because I was feeling a little lost from myself by not doing. 

- 

It's weird, because I wrote for a few hours, I updated my word count and then I tried to sleep, and I think I was overcaffienated, because I had needed to get home, and that meant motorway driving and it can be so boring that I am tempted to nod off, so I needed proper coffee, but then it meant that I couldn't sleep. When I did eventually sleep, that took another bite of time out of the day. I spent the rest of the day doing what I call fannying around, because I don't even really remember what I was doing, but I wasn't writing and I should have been. 

I spent the first couple of days thinking that it was going to get better but I've noticed my word count is plummeting and as a proud member of The Overachievers I'm really struggling to accept that. I'm battling with the idea of, no, not even the idea of but the fact that my ADHD is affecting me far more than it ever has before and it's actually not my NaNoWriMo super power right now, it's the greatest barrier to me actually being able to succeed.

It's not helped by the fact there are some big things going on in NaNoWrimo, and they're not all positive. Areas that have always felt so safe are no longer feeling that way, and a place I have wanted to find a way back into for a while has given me a way back in, but sadly it's not a positive way in, and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by what is happening to an organisation I used to love. It's so hard to love it the same way at the moment and that feeling of detachment is just compounding all of the things I was already struggling with. 

I'm still here, I'm still writing and that's not going to stop any time soon, but I'm not going to finish today and it might not even be tomorrow, but it'll happen, and hopefully it will get easier soon. 

There Are Literally Files,

 On my computer called sh1t and nonsense. One called one, one called the other. And the reason? Because it's NaNoWriMo and my energy is meant to be focused on writing and not on naming files, but I am still, more than six months later, getting used to using this laptop and I'm still, six months later, having to check shortcuts for things like screen shots, and I'm still struggling to toggle between things, so I have a couple of dump files (files where I literally copy and paste everything into) on my computer that were always opened and never saved (risky, I know) and they were occupying Pages, so I was writing everything that wasn't on 4thewords (where there are also dump files but at least they are named) in Notes. Notes doesn't have a word counter, so adding my word count was annoying because it was copy and paste into 4TW to fight the monsters and then also have to copy any paste EVERYTHING, because I wouldn't be me if I wasn't working on a couple of projects at once during NaNo, to count the words so I have an official total. 

And then I got irritated so saved one file as sh1t and one as nonsense and then I could have a brand new dump file for NaNo, which is still not the easiest thing, because I still have to copy and paste everything into it unless I start working directly from it, but I have a sum total word count without having to try and get to the tab that has the word counter on it. 

Also, it's NaNo, formatting has gone out of the window. So has sleep. 

In terms of word count, well, it's going. I'm planning on actually writing a proper blog at the moment, but this should give you an indication of how well I'm able to string a sentence together about what is going on.