Something I have always noticed about myself is I need a reason for things; well, for everything really. When I'm struggling, emotionally, mentally and all that sort of thing, I want a reason for why I'm feeling the way I am feeling. I want to know what prompted it and what caused it and all those sorts of things. When I sat down to write this I started thinking, was I in denial all of the time that I thought I was okay with my diagnosis? Was it the calm before the storm and this is the storm? Is that the really simple thing to look back on and say, hey, that's where this started? There is more to it than that, of course.
I've always had panic attacks, and they got a lot worse three and a half years ago, or just over that, before the pandemic started and then I was pretty lucky, because as much as the pandemic was anxiety inducing, I was of London, living with family and away from a lot of decisions I used to have to make. I just did my job, hung out with my parents, watched a lot of TV and went for a walk once a day so we didn't go completely mental. They've come back with a vengeance now and it's been a while that they've been back. They're interrupting my sleep, they're affecting me on increasing more days than they're not and they're making me feel broken all over again. I'm not saying that I was fixed, but I thought that I was getting better, and now I'm not so sure.
Emotional regulation isn't my strong point, obviously, but I just feel like I'm really struggling at the moment, more than I have for a while. I always hoped that by the time I hit thirty I would be different. I thought I would be more in control of my life and that my life would be very different from what it is right now.
I wish there was something I could put on here as like a happy ending or something, but the truth is I'm not sure when things will get better and I'm not sure how to make myself feel better anymore. Things that have worked for a while, things that I have done for the whole of my life to make myself feel better aren't working, and that is really uncomfortable at best, and terrifying at worst. I don't even know if writing makes it better anymore, or if it ever did, because I have been writing even when I haven't felt great, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to post the things I have been writing.
