Ready for NaNo,

I'm normally the worst person for being ready for NaNo. I start the competition sleep deprived and end it like a little zombie. I eat quick food and a lot of snacks and drink far too much tea. I know what I do to myself, truly I do, but I do it regardless. 

What is disappointing is that this month is not one of the Camps. I always thought it was April and June. However I was apparently wrong and it's April and July (or is it August), but the problem there is that I'm ready now. I am sitting here ready to write and with a project to work on, but I know that the competition helps. I also know that I will not be feeling like this next month, which really sucks. 

I think I'm in the mood for doing something crazy, like attempting another 15k day, or attempting to push it past that and see how far I can really go with it. That is always an option. It might, of course, include me finding other more magical and inventive ways to write for longer periods of time, or prepare myself so that I have a full 24 hours of awakeness to work.

I might just make myself an Excel spreadsheet and get on with it myself. Have my own little camp in June and hopefully, maybe, have another novel under my belt by the end of it.

Catch you later...

Hummingbird,

A few years ago I promised to bring my parents Harrods cupcakes, however, I have never delivered on this promise. They were down in London this weekend and following a lovely meal in South Kensington we walked past the branch of the Hummingbird Bakery that is up there, and curiosity killed the diet.

Places like The Hummingbird have achieved such a reputation that I get nothing short of dubious walking through the door because how can live up to that expectation. I'd say I'm like that with writers too. 

One of the things I discuss a lot with my writers' group, and anyone else who looks vaguely interested in books, is obviously popular fiction, what's good about it, what sucks, who's overrated and those who are deadly ignored despite being somewhat geniuses. I find that if someone has told me about a book that they love, it can make me a little bit reluctant to read it purely because I'm expecting a lot out of it. 

When I first read An Abundance of Katherine's I wasn't expecting That. As a novelist/novel lover and part time maths geek it was essentially my idea of heaven in book form. I have never, even been so excited to see footnotes in a book - they have graphs in and everything!!! If I had been more aware of the brilliance of John Green before reading the first few of novels I may not have loved them quite so much, because I would have already been expecting greatness. 

In the same way, (and I will point out again I read this because I was told to!) if I hadn't heard that Fifty Shades of Grey (and everything connected to it) were atrocious I would probably have stopped reading half way through the first chapter whilst I was losing the will to live, but knowing it was bad meant that I could read it and expect that an cope with. Like movies where you need to know that it's not serious before starting. I made that mistake with Dr. Strangelove.

Reputations a big thing, but Hummingbird lived up to theirs. I need sleep. 

Catch you later.

Painting the Roses Red,

I titled this a couple of days ago and I've been damned by the curse of brain farting that I do not know what I was going to attempt to say. 

This week has been dragging for me. It was broken up a little in the middle with an impressive interview which I will hopefully hear from soon, but I know that the most part of it was because I've been having to Google a lot of things about legal contracts and go back and forth between researching and advice and the yada yada ya. At the beginning of the week, I spoke to the Citizens Advice Bureau, and their person could not have been less helpful if he was trying. 

On the plus side, I'm doing reasonably well with cutting down the amount of milk I'm drinking, which is a big deal considering the fact that I drink a lot of coffee. I did see a video that kind of ground my gears a bit, because it basically stated that all veg*s (so, vegans and vegetarians) are the loud, outspoken types. Hi - I've never actually dated another vegetarian. 

I'm not a massive anomaly here, but it is true that when living with a veg* person, many people do actually cut the amount of meat/dairy products they consume, purely because it tends to be the other person doing the shopping/cooking, or it's easier to both have the same thing, and I accept that. HOWEVER, there are also those of us who don't shout about how everyone should do the same thing, and hate the people who do probably more than meat eaters do. 

I would just like to point out that I celebrated both my 21st birthday and my graduation in a steak house, because they do amazing food that doesn't have meat in (who knew!) and I bloody love Nando's, but I hate the surprise, and reluctance, on the faces of my dining companions because they seem to think I'm going to start - I don't know - throwing paint around or making animal noises. I don't know. 

The thing is, I accept that cows have been bred to be in a field for a limited amount of time, to produce milk and to then become burgers, I just don't want to be part of that. My decision. Your decision. (See that, they're both separate!) 

REASON FOR THE RANT:

Worse than someone shoving a burger down my throat (well, maybe not, because that I would probably choke on...) is someone jamming their opinion down my throat. (You came to my blog, you knew what you were doing, you did this to yourself!) 

I accept that I have a lot of opinions, but I don't mind people disagreeing with me. In fact, it is quite fun. What I hate, and what makes me quite loud, annoying and occasionally very rude, is people twisting my words, or jamming their opinion down my throat as if it is the only way of thinking.

If you have to argue it into objectivity, it is not objective. Objectivity is fact. The only thing which is objective about your opinion is that it is your opinion.

Decision Not Yet Made,

Last week I was writing about the possibility of making what could be major life decision, then I had another one pretty much dropped on me, so it has been bumped down the list like a few of my literary priorities. 

I have been having a long think about it, though, and that has brought me to the conclusion that several of my friends are correct and that going at this like a bull at a gate like I did with becoming a vegetarian, because otherwise I'm going to make myself ill like I did by not keeping an eye on my iron levels. 

What I am doing is stopping drinking actual milk, which is harder than I had thought it would be because tea does not taste the same with any other form of milk (and soy milk, which is most widely available, is most definitely not beautiful) and tea is a big deal to me, but it's important.

I'm not going to go on a big rant about why milk is bad and why it sucks that it's going to take time for Quorn to move their ranges away from using something from eggs that's considered as an industry byproduct, to a more expensive vegan ingredient, but I do feel the need to argue against something I recently read on Facebook. 

A lot of people who make a lot of noise about "preachy" vegetarians/vegans are actually pretty "preachy" about eating meat. The latest thing I have read from any of them was an article which essentially argued that vegetarians and vegans are responsible for animal deaths, too, because of the way we farm in this country and the wildlife which it affects. One of my friends describes it as a sliding scale - yes, we have an impact on the lives of other species, but we're significantly reducing that impact. 

Personally, I think it's more like living as closely to your ideas as humanly possible. In order to live in London, I have to accept that I can only afford to do a certain amount of things. I can't have a compost bin because I don't have a garden, I can't have a pet because of my contract, and I can't sleep because there are starlings nesting in my loft, and when I was looking at humane ways to persuade them to move out I found that they are losing a lot of their nesting space and obviously that is leading to declining populations, so I'm just going to have to get used to the chirping bastards. 

So I've turned into a packet reader, making sure I know exactly what I'm actually eating, instead of just blindly following what I think I should be going for because apparently putting that something is suitable for vegans on packaging can actually put other audiences off. 

Catch you later.

Stability,

There is almost nothing I value more than stability in my life. Almost. Saying that, I haven't had much of it lately, and that's about to get even more intense. 

Not only am I now trying to find something new to be doing on my Monday to Fridays, I'm also looking for somewhere new to be doing it from. It's true that I would have been, potentially, leaving my flat within the next few months, however that seems to be being moved up. The things I have to consider about where I want to live have changed since my last move, and that means I can pretty much throw a dart at a map of London, and then find a place there. 

Befoore that happens I have a few big decisions to make. 

This flat has been the first place where I truly lived alone, and was able to be completely indepedent. I have loved living here, even when there have been difficulties. I even like the area, and there have been places that I have lived where that hasn't been the case. (I did a six month stint in Elephant and Castle that wasn't so great). The thing is, that means I have become quite emotionally atttached to it, so the idea of leaving is hard. It's not even the place in London that I have lived the longest - I was in roehampton for about 2 years, and Kensington for 9 months - I'm almost excited to see where is next, and what is next.

As much as I love this studio, even I have to admit it is expensive. Independence is definitely a luxury. I need to make a decision as to whether or not I want to go for the same thing, or if I want to move back into a house share and save money towards whatever. 

I have a bad habit of saying I dunno a lot, and I'm saying it a hell of a lot at the moment, and it's very bad at the moment because I don't have a whole lot of answers, and a whole lot of questions, but the very good thing that I do have at the moment is that it all feeds into my experience of life. Experience of life can only be good for my novels, surely? It is meaning that there are a few issues with some writing plans I was making, but I'm used to life causing delays. 

Reasons Not to Be a Vegan,

I'm in a bit of a claustrophobic mood at the moment and it's annoying because it's only towards certain people. It's put me in a really bad mood since I got home and I was genuinely considering not writing this, but I think it will be fun, and the title is really misleading. 

So here we go:

Several of my friends are vegan and, though none of them have ever pressured me to join them, I have often wondered whether it was something that I could do. Every year I see people hashtagging the hell out of Veganuary, and think, oh yeah, that's started and I missed it. Crap. 

Now, I admit it, I'm not a wonderful vegetarian pescetarian (it means I eat fish, but not meat) because my favourite kinds of sweets are not vegetarian. The fact that I am eating fish again slightly pisses me off because I would love to not do, but again, it's really hard. I bloody love smoked salmon, but it's something I've been committed to for a long time, and to be quite honest I would love to give the vegan thing a trial run.

The thing is, if you know where to look, you can find vegan foods that fight your cravings, you just need to know how to do it. I have been craving chocolate for the last two days and had a vegan milkshake (Oat milk and Booja Booja ice cream) and it has knocked it right out. Seriously, that thing was beautiful. 

Maybe it was sitting by the canal in Camden, the sun being out, having great food and great music and awesome company, but there was something about it that made me feel really content. Up until two minutes ago I was doing really well on the not killing bugs bit, too, however that spider was a little too big for me to confidently pick up on a piece of paper and put out of the window... I didn't kill the ant that crawled across my shoulder earlier, though, and that is some serious personal growth for me!

So what are my reasons not to go vegan, even if it was just for a month to see how I get on? Well, they're silly. It comes down to me wondering if I can commit to it because it would be intense. It also comes down to the not wanting to have yet another thing to explain myself for, because that is just annoying and I shouldn't have to justify my life choices to other people. It also comes down to the fact that my family would worry for my health, though I've been told cutting out cheese and chocolate is something I should really do at the moment to help alleviate some of the pressure I'm getting from a condition, so maybe it would actually be good for me. But more than anything my reason to not commit to doing it for a month is I don't know if I could then make a U-turn and come back to where I am now in terms of eating fish and eggs etc. 

I'm going to consider it, and then maybe that will be my June project.

When There Are No Words,

I want to dispell any idea that I haven't been writing on here recently because I've not been doing much or because I haven't had anything to say. Neither of those things is correct.

It's also not true to say that I have been mentally busy to the extent that writing a little something would have been impossible, but whilst I have had things to say, I know that I often say things emotionally and then wonder why I did it. 

I react emotionally to most things in my life and it's not something I believe I can do anything about, even if I wanted to. The bad thing about it is that when there are a lot of things going on, there are a lot of things that make me want to shout, scream and throw a tantrum and I would rather do that in the company of friends as opposed to the arena of the internet. A lot of things have really, and it's rare for me to swear on here, so hopefully that will indicate how difficult this has been, a lot of things have pissed me right off.

Some of them are just more instances of things I have written on here previously. I am so sure that people are sick of how, particularly recently, have been irritated by men forcing their interest on women when they don't want it, and how women owe them nothing, but it keeps happening. I feel like I've walked into another world entirely and suddenly it's just accepted that this is a thing. I hate the whole 'safe space' things at university and 'trigger warnings' without a damn good reason, but sometimes I want to trip back there for a few days of respite. Or just not leave my flat, and I don't need encouragement for that. 

The worst thing is I know that my frustration comes out when I write, and I can't deal with ruining all of the things I work so hard on because things are a bit shit at the moment. Yes, art imitates life, or life imitates art, and there have been times where I've felt like I've been dragged through an emotional blender, because one of my characters was heart broken or brutally murdered or something, but what I don't want to do is write something when I'm feeling like this, because I would get the nickname Georgia (after George RR Martin) for massacring everyone and everything. Of course, not writing contributes to the existential frustration and it all just becomes a self-perpetuating cycle which I struggle to stop.

Supposedly a change is as good as a rest, so I'm working on changes at the moment, but it's difficult because it's not something which I have control over, so I can't say as to when things will change. Or if that change will help.

See, this is why it aggravates me when people think that writing is just putting a pen to paper or fingers to keyboard - it is so much more than that. It just becomes a part of you. It has become a large part of me.