Whilst it has been three months since I published a blog post, that doesn't mean that it's been three months since I wrote one. I feel like I have a list of drafts on here as long as my arm, but most are only half finished, or I couldn't bring myself to press the 'Publish' button. Even though the readership of this blog is pretty small, it can be really hard to share what's on my mind sometimes, but writing it down, saving it into the drafts and hoping I feel braver later, that can help.
I recently had to accept that I wasn't okay. I wasn't quite at the panic attack stage, or close to the depression stage, just the alarm bells are going off and we need to do something now before it all goes to crap sort of place. There were a few reasons and there have been ups and downs since, but I'm, thankfully, getting back to something that looks like normal (for me).
Surprisingly, one of the ups was Manchester.
I'm not talking about spending two weeks with my amazing (even if a little clingy) dog or seeing friends that I've not seen in months, or even just getting to chill out in the city center and realise how Manchester is still, after all this time, my home. Strangely I'm talking about the response to the attack.
I had warned a few people in the office that I was likely to be less than my normal self on the anniversary, and it was amazing to see that when someone made a crass joke that was probably all I needed right then as an excuse to go into full-on meltdown, my colleagues "handled" that person so I could pull myself together a bit.
When I think of what people have done in the wake of that attack, I am amazed, I am stunned, I am so proud to be a Mancunian, but I am never surprised. Even the bee colony moving into the Trees of Hope in Manchester City Centre didn't surprise me really - it just seemed fitting, as did the sing-a-long. I wanted to be there, but listening to it on Key103 was almost good enough. Whilst the song 'Don't Look Back in Anger' has become as attached to that event as the worker bee, it's amazing to see people doing just that. Solidarity over sadness, Love over anger. The message of hate of one almost nameless man has been drowned out by the wondrous outpouring of love, pride, and togetherness showing such a strength, and it inspires me to feel stronger, to be stronger.
