I Got My Priorities

I get that I sometimes make obscure references, so in case this one has gone over your head, it's a play on some of the lyrics in a Ben Folds song that I love called Philosophy. It is beautiful, but then I'm a big Ben Folds fan, so I would think that. Anyway, to the blog. 

This month I have already seen the posts on the Facebook page of people asking whether there are other people in the same position as them, like who is a mother, who has to care for elderly relatives, who is in school, who has a full time job. The only issue that I have with this whole thing is, irrespective of everything else you are and everything else you have in your life, Camp NaNo is not about all of those things, but it is about priorities. Even if writing can only be your top priority for twenty minutes a day, whether you have to write in short bursts when you run to the loo or you are in the bath, whether you have to spend hours staring at the blank screen, Camp is about reminding you to prioritise. When I was editing a novel one, I was also babysitting, so I sat by the cot of the child I was minding and I read it to her whilst she fell asleep. Reading it out loud can help, and tiny children like the sound of a voice speaking to them to fall asleep to as opposed to a giving too much of a stuff what that story is. I get that that only works for children of a certain age and may only work for certain genres, but it can work. 

When we're talking about priorities, it doesn't mean that everything else in the world has to be de-prioritised and it doesn't mean you need to choose between a child or a caring responsibility or your job and writing, but it is about looking at what is the priority in that moment. 

I spent today prioritising certain cases, because I knew that I needed to get through them. In that moment, work had to be the most important. After I was done with work, I prioritised myself and my wellbeing for a bit, taking my dog out for a walk and getting out for some fresh air myself, then writing became my priority. Getting this blog written became priority one, because it's my Camp goal to write a blog about writing every day. Writing every day with 4thewords has been a long term goal for this year as well and it's going okay. I'm onto a 178 day streak so that's pretty cool. Next on the list of things that becomes my priority is getting a few more masks sewn together, because friends from my dad's work need a few more of them to be able to wear one a day and wash them as much as they should. 

One of the biggest changes with the masks is that, since Macmillan have moved me across to London Marathon 2021, I still have a lot of fundraising to do, so I decided I was going to start charging for masks when they're not for family. Part of that is also because I'm spending a lot more money on things like elastic than I had intended to, and also spending money on cooler material, so part of it is to cover some of that cost so I can keep making them, but part of it is also to continue raising money for Team Macmillan. 

Tomorrow will be pretty much the same. I will do the same thing of making work a priority, then myself for dinner and a walk, then writing and then masks, because a lot of people need them these days, and I have some seriously cool fabric so might as well get on with it, and when all that is over, my priority will be sleep, because grouchiness is the least of my issues when I don't get any sleep. 

I know my life isn't complicated by a lot of care for my elderly relatives or for a child or even myself sometimes, because my mum does the cooking and most of the cleaning and almost everything else, but I have a very serious full time job, I have my writing and supporting the writing community around me and also everything I have committed to like making all of the masks, so fitting time in for writing is challenging, but it is also possible, because it's a big priority for me and if I didn't find time to fit it in before mask making duties, I would end up staying up late to fit it in then, and there isn't enough coffee in the world to keep me sane through that. 

Catch you later 

Charlieswrite

What Else Are You Doing?

Okay, it's day one of Camp NaNoWriMo and I haven't even announced my project on the website, because I have a million things going on and in all honesty, this kind of crept up on me. I'm an ML, I should know better. I'm a Twitter sprint lead, I should know better. I've been a NaNoWriMo participant since I was sixteen years old, I should really know better, but right now, I don't know better, because this year has been intense. 

We're all at very different points in our lives - that's a given. That's an every year occurrence. That's April, July and November every year, but this year is different, because we're also at very different points with this virus. Here in the UK, people are starting to go back to work, things are reopening, but we're still social distancing. The social distance restrictions in place at the moment mean that the London MLs cannot in good conscience invite people to physical meet ups, because as much as our Mental Health has been taking a full frontal assault, we're not willing to put our participants or their loved ones, let alone ourselves, at risk when there is so much we can do online. We're going to focus on that. 

That's not the only question of what else are you doing that's being asked though. Some people are furloughed and there's been a really damaging meme heading round the internet which suggests that not coming out of this period with a new skill or a novel finished or something to show for it means that you failed. They could not be more wrong. Whether you have a pre-existing Mental Health condition or not, this has been a tough period. It's not as though our employers just decided to give us a bunch of paid time off - we've essentially been told it is not safe to go outside. That is difficult for anyone. We're also being told it's not safe to see friends and family. There's a little voice that is always there which is saying 'You are not safe' and the only way you can make sure you're safe is to stay at home and don't allow anyone to come to your home. Wash your parcels, wash your grocery delivery, wash your hands until they are raw. This is not an easy time. Yes, that pressure might mean some can write, but there will be a lot of us struggling to get through the day of getting up, getting dressed, doing chores, feeding ourselves and keeping ourselves healthy. If that is the bare minimum you can manage, that is enough. That's a massive achievement in fact, so keep going. If that's a challenge, use nudge theory, or something else that's small steps to get yourself back. 

In this time, we also have a whole lot of people who have taken on extra roles (and extra rolls, but let's not talk about that). Maybe you're volunteering for your local food bank, maybe you're assisting elderly family or neighbours. Maybe, like me, you've managed to beg and borrow a sewing machine to get sewing Make It Yourself masks to keep you and your family safe. I don't know about you guys, but I was never furloughed, so I have to find time to do all of my work work, my mask work and all the other bits and pieces of life admin I have to do. The idea of fitting in writing, MLing and Twitter sprinting as well, is exhilarating and exhausting. I'm looking forward to the challenge, but I'm also wondering how on Earth I'm going to juggle it all, but the good thing is that writing a novel is taking a back seat this month to writing a blog each day of whatever length to talk about writing, life and anything else that pops into my head. I hope that you enjoy them. I'm more than happy to discuss them in the comments section below so feel free to leave a message in there or get in touch with me on Twitter. 

Catch you later, 

Charlieswrite 

It's Been 10 Years, But I Just

Over the last few weeks, I have been itching to have another crack at writing the sequel to Fairies, because it's been ten years (almost) since I wrote it, I'm back in the place I wrote it (mostly) and I feel like it's about time. As in, it's about time I wrote it, the novel isn't about time. That would add a whole other level of complicated I can't deal with right now. 

4thewords is continuing to be a helpful beastie, because it makes me write at least 444 words a day, and sometimes the hurdle is just starting and putting pen to paper... well, fingers to keys. Once I get going, I'm not anywhere near NaNoWriMo personal bests of 20k days or writing 100k in a month, but I can crack through between 1.5-5k words a day without it interrupting my day too much, so where is the problem? 

Part of the problem is the characters. **If you haven't read Fairies, this is going to contain spoilers, so please consider this your alert.**

Fairies finished with Nate, Adamson, Louie, and, I want to say Felix, but who knows at this point!, returning to the fairy world because an eternal life as a fairy was better than a limited human life. They could make an impact on the lives of humans and they were important there. Seemingly simple? 

It's really not simple. 

Following on from their return to the fairy world, things change around quite a bit, so there's some of the sequel which is about them, some which is about Frank as my favourite person who was left behind in the human world (and someone who crops up into another novel I've been writing for just next to forever but needs a bit of character development in between the two!) and two new characters. One of the new characters is 'evil' and in league with the imps and the other is the one causing me the most problems, as she's Felix's (he's definitely called Felix - I checked) daughter. Originally I intended the story to be just about her, but every time I start writing about her, she seems to find some sort of tangent to go on and finding the way to make the actual storyline (and the reason I'm writing the book in the first place) to happen seems to be beyond me at the moment. 

Ah well - I've had a moan about it, and now I can get back to writing it, even though it's been at least five years since I read Fairies over again (only cringing most of the way through it) so the details are a little hazy and I have no idea where either the .pdf file or the proof copies are, but that's just a bit tough, isn't it?

What a Time To Be Alive,

We normally say this and hear this because of the amazing things that happen in the world today. A lot of technology is making possible things that even just a few years ago we would never have dreamt of, but over the past few weeks, what a time to be alive has felt very different. 

At the moment, Camp NaNo is into its first 2020 session, and whilst I am not officially signed up to be taking part, I am signed up as a Twitter sprint lead and did my first shift this week, and honestly, I'm amazed that some people are able to write on regardless. I find it truly inspiring. On the flip side, many of us are feeling like we have more time, and yet less inclination to sit down and write a novel because times are so turbulent and the problems of the world are weighing on us all too heavily. I have one thing to say to anyone feeling like this: It is okay. 

However this pandemic is making you feel, those feelings are one hundred percent valid. Whilst some people will emerge from this crisis having learned a new language or skill, or having written their novel or having finished a long-awaited project, that does not invalidate your experience. Some people stave off the very natural panic induced by a global crisis and invisible enemy by getting stuck into something and not allowing themselves to think. Others may not be able to do that, and that is fine. 

Personally, it's been all that I can do not to be a grumpy whatsit, because the inclination has been there, but I don't like alone and I don't like conflict, so I'm trying to be a lot more amiable than I actually feel. We're trying to do housework in the day and then watch a film in the evening. I'm doing my best to write every day, but I'm forgiving myself when I can't because I also know that this is really difficult. I have an anxiety disorder anyway, so I feel oddly calm at the prospect of not being able to get hold of all the food we would normally eat or the idea of people in my home getting sick - I have been over it so many times in my head that the thought isn't really so scary now, but I do get really scared of boredom and if the UK measures are extended so that I can't go for a run. I don't always love running, but I know how calming it can be and I know that it can feel like freedom in the middle of a very terrible situation.

I've found that no matter what I try to write about, I'm writing myself into corners or deciding that I'm bored with something, I don't know where it's going or I'm sick of writing it. This isn't just Coronavirus related - I've been feeling it for a while, but I'm trying to bring myself back to the desk and still write a little each day to remind myself that first drafts don't need to be perfect. The thing is, no matter what we do with this time, as long as we are doing our best to look after ourselves, there will be time later to do other things we want to do, but putting unnecessary stress onto ourselves isn't looking after ourselves. Stress isn't good for the immune system or anything else. Yes, push yourself to do what you can, but also know your limits. There is no way I am walking out of this quarantine with a finished first draft or a novel I'm happy with. That's just not realistic. I'm still working and I'm trying to put effort in to do things around the house. I'm going to try and make my mum's birthday special at the end of next month and I'm going to plan things to do when things can again be done outside of the house. That, plus some knitting projects that stop me going completely demented whilst I'm on conference calls, is about the limit of what I can do. 

I may also try and change my medication around again, so that by the time I am back in London and back to 'normal' working life, I don't feel like I'm starting my workday halfway through the day. Hopefully, that will make running a bit easier as well, because I might be able to get up earlier and get runs in during the morning, rather than having to think about dragging my bones around the block after a day of work when I would really rather collapse onto the sofa and binge-watch Grey's Anatomy. 

So, be kind, stay safe, wash your hands, stay indoors, get some exercise, but stay 2 meters away from people, but look after elderly and vulnerable people, be a community, clap for the NHS on a Thursday and it'll all be over in a few weeks times. Jesus, quarantine is exhausting!

Just Let Me Take a Nap First,

Last time I wrote a blog I admitted that I had been struggling. Admitted it. I should probably change the language around that, but it's what it feels like. I finally confessed to not feeling well as though not feeling well is something I need to feel bad about. It's really not. 

Since last writing here, I went for an assessment because my moods seemed to be cycling pretty dramatically, and it causes other worries than anxiety. It's when you start talking about personality disorders and bi-polar, and quite frankly, I was really scared. It's a strange thing to be scared of, because knowing what it is doesn't change your experience of the thing, but what it does change is the stigma. I know there is a big difference between saying I have an anxiety disorder and having bipolar. I was relieved when the doctor told me she doesn't believe it's personality disorder of bipolar, because as much as it didn't change my diagnosis and it didn't change the fact that previous therapies hadn't necessarily worked, things weren't as bad as they could have been, and she was able to offer me different options than what my GP had offered, so that's progress! 

Unfortunately, though everything in mental health treatment takes a lot of time. Between the time when I spoke to my doctors about having an assessment and the time the assessment appointment came was probably about three weeks. Three weeks doesn't sound like so long, but it was enough time for me to start feeling like I was approaching a more even keel again. At other times in my life, I would have simply said, oh, I don't actually need this right now. I'll cancel it. The good thing was I was uncertain about that recovery; I didn't trust it. I wasn't fully back to normal, I didn't truly feel like myself and like I was actually okay, so I knew that looking at treatment options was still the best thing for me, but the fear of that appointment was something else which made me start to cycle downwards (along with a few other things that were going on at the time). I had a couple of days, maybe less, of relief when they told me that they didn't think it was anything worse than my current diagnosis, but then I found that downwards slope again without even actively looking for it. I should point out, I never actively look for it...

The problem was when I tried to get an appointment with my GP, two things happened. The report wasn't with them and I didn't know if it had even been written yet, and the next thing was that the receptionist I spoke to wasn't the one I have spoken to before. I say Mental Health issues with sleep disturbance to the other one and she unblocks an emergency appointment for me that I would normally have to call at 8am for because she knows I won't be able to call at 8am and she knows I'm really not well. This receptionist was adamant I had to call at 8am. I get that people are different, she might be new, she might be more junior, but it was another barrier to me trying to feel better. 


The upshot of it all was I started taking Citalopram earlier this week. I have been warned before that it's evil, that it makes you feel worse, that it steals your soul and feeds it to Satan's pet donkey... I've heard a lot of bad about it, but I've also heard a lot of good, and quite frankly, I needed to try something. Whilst I wait for therapy, whilst I wait for therapy to work, whilst I try and get back to the things which I know help me to feel better, I needed something to act as a crutch so I can get to do all of those things. I was exhausted, I felt lost and scared and in some ways beaten. Granted, taking the Citalopram I am more exhausted, but I know that that is temporary, and actually some rest is good for me. Granted, I am trying really hard to get back to a sleeping pattern that normal people recognise and not that is attributed to small winged creatures who hang out with Dracula, but I'll take what I can get at the moment. 

In all of this though, I know this is not my lowest, and part of the reason I know that is because I'm still using 4thewords and I've just hit a 60 day streak. And that means a whole lot to me. 

F*ing and Jeffing,

It's been about eighteen months now since I went to my first parkrun. I've done one half marathon and my next one is about four and a half weeks away. My first marathon is about nine and a half weeks away. By now, I should be racking up long distance runs like there is no tomorrow, but I'm not, so there is a phrase for how I will get through both of these races, and it's called Jeffing. I'm going to walk a bit and run a bit, but since I'll inevitably be swearing my way through it, let's just call it F*ing and Jeffing. 

One of the reasons that I started running was because my mental health took 'a little dip'. It actually looked a little bit more like a kamikaze nose dive off a very steep cliff. It wasn't overnight, but it happened very quickly and I was struggling for a long time. I started running again as a way to try and make things better. In some ways it does. 

My Mental Health issue batters me at the worst of times. I have spent much of the last few weeks trying to convince myself to train and not being able to, because I haven't been able to sleep, I haven't been eating properly and I haven't been going to therapy or taking medication. Some of these things have been a conscious thing - I haven't got along with a lot of the medications that I have tried - some of them have been unconscious - I don't really notice when I stop eating properly. I do what I can to try and stop myself from getting more ill, but it doesn't always work out. 

I am trying my best to come back from the latest dip, but it's taking longer than usual. I'm hoping that my continued commitment to writing may help. 

NaNow That It's Over,

When NaNoWriMo finished, I raised a glass of prosecco alone in my flat celebrating the ending of it all. It was a really long month this year, and it was really hard for a lot of reasons, and some of those reasons I don't know. 

It has been over for a little less than a week, and whilst there isn't the constant stress that invades all of life, I've also only made myself sit and write twice this week and I miss the social elements of write-ins, because whilst chatting with people at work is nice, it's also not quite as sociable as I want to be. It's not talking to writers about their novels and then encouraging them to keep going. It's certainly not everyone being almost as invested in everyone else's project as the person writing it. 

Although we haven't had our Thank Goodness It's Over party, it feels like I have my weekends back. 

This year was my wordiest year so far, managing to write over 101k, and I will hopefully write something more on that later. I managed two 20k days, which was amazing, and I also kept it together through a month where I felt like my anxiety was pulling me in a million different directions. Despite the overwhelming urge to sleep all of the time, I got up every day, I did my job and I also worked on my novel. I was an ML, I supported my writers, I ran Twitter word sprints and supported other writers and I was all over the Facebook pages for advice, the moments when people forgot words and other general cheerleading. Somehow managed to avoid ever writing a blog post in that, which isn't like me during November. 

The upshot of it all is that it feels like only yesterday that NaNoWriMo started, but it seemed to take forever to come to an end, and as a team we needed it to end, but we also didn't want it to. I feel really conflicted about it, I feel disappointed that I haven't been writing as much as I was during November, but I am also so so glad that the amount of stress I was under has decreased, because I'm not sure how long I would have been able to keep going through that. 

Catch you later.