Why Custom Rings Are A Total Racket,

Or at least I think so...

This isn't meant as any shade towards anyone with a custom ring, by the way.

There are some times when they make sense. A former partner of mine bought, or was gifted, I can't really remember the story, a large, partially finished amethyst when he was visiting India, and the plan was always to get it finished and set into a ring as an engagement ring, and that would have made a lot of sense to me. I also get when people get stones from heirloom rings either reshaped or refinished or just reset into something more modern or more to the taste of the intended wearer. What I don't quite get is saying, I couldn't find anything I like, so I got something custom... Oh kay... 

When my partner and I were looking at rings (he wasn't my fiancé at the point  because he hadn't asked and I hadn't said yes, because he wanted to do it properly and have the ring ready) there was so much choice it was a bit overwhelming, and even though you're thinking about the question of spending the rest of your lives together - or at least you hope that's the intention! - I personally think the question of budgets is an awkward one, but I'm not a big fan of talking about money generally.

I know some people can be really specific about engagement rings (whether their own or someone else's) and it has to be a diamond (traditionally it's the protect the woman's virginity (not sure that's such a big deal these days) and it should be x proportion of a wage (I think the tradition was something like a week or a months pay cheque or something) and a ring from Pandora is definitely not an engagement ring (genuinely read a story about that on Facebook and the comments made me die a little on the inside). There's other things like pre-owned rings are bad luck but heirloom rings are good... What's the difference? Well, a pre-owned one is one someone bought and used for a proposal where the answer was no, and an heirloom is one from a marriage. Clearly, it was all down to the ring...

I've had a costume ring I was in love with for years and I was specifically looking for something in the same style, but I would have loved whatever ring he picked, or we picked, I think, though maybe there are a couple of caveats to that. I'm not the biggest fan of pear or oval or marquise shaped stones not for any other reason than I'm just not, and I wasn't particularly enamoured with the idea of a solitaire ring or something pave (I can't find the accent on an Apple keyboard...) but there were still millions to choose from be it diamonds or other stones, different bands, different cuts or whatever. If literally nothing from jewellers would have done I know a few different vintage stores that carry gorgeous rings and I might have been able to find something I loved in the right size or something near enough I could have had it resized, but as it turned out, I found the perfect ring and said something like that one... and my partner said, okay, that one...

Now the only problem with "that one" was a wedding band wasn't going to fit under it, and it wasn't going to sit nicely next to it, so I was trying to look for something that would go around it. Why does this feel like we're going on a bear hunt?

Now, I thought it was highly logical to just go back to the same jewellers because surely if something is sold as an engagement ring they would stock a wedding ring to go with it, even if it's not sold in a wedding or bridal set? Well, apparently not. They suggested a ring with a bump in it, but the bump wasn't the right size or shape or angle or whatever to sit around my ring. They suggested a flat ring, but it didn't sit under my ring, or under the detail (it also wasn't anything like anything I wanted) and they suggested what I can only describe as either an incomplete or horse shoe ring. It didn't suit my engagement ring at all, and I'm kind of glad because again, it was nothing close to anything I wanted or liked, so the jeweller suggested their design service for a custom ring. We paid a fee, sent my ring off to be cast so that the new ring would fit with it perfectly and gave them a brief of what we wanted. All it had to be was a plain wedding band that looked like a wedding band, the same thickness as the band on my engagement ring, no diamonds, no inclusions, no nothing. It was something simple and understated and when they came back with a price that was well over a thousand pounds (from memory it was actually closer to fifteen hundred...) my jaw and my butt were in a race to the floor because honestly, I couldn't believe it. We went to collect my engagement ring from the store and I was feeling sad because I thought I wouldn't find something and I should have factored that in during the engagement ring search, but on the way I found something different, which still wasn't right, but it made them think hey, what about a wishbone shape? And it was perfect. And it was more elaborate. And it was less than half of what we were quoted for the custom ring. For the same shape. I was honestly livid.

My wedding ring is sat in a box with my future husband's future ring, and I can't wait to wear it, not just because it will mean we're married, and that the wedding is over, but also because I genuinely love it, and I think it looks stunning next to my engagement ring. I think back about the money we nearly spent on a ring to fit my engagement ring and it makes me feel sick. I don't know if it's just that the jewellers were pushing that service, or if they really hadn't thought of that ring or in a moment of temporary insanity had forgotten it existed, or if they thought we had the sort of money to drop that kind of cash on my wedding ring, but it upset me for a long while and for a few different reasons. In all of the wedding planning process, that was one of the genuinely really difficult bits, not because I'm being a bit soft, but because it genuinely felt so complicated, so expensive and so bloody stupid.

But we muddled through it and we found our way in the end, and I'm glad that we did. It took us a while to find the right wedding ring, but then it took us a long while to find each other, so maybe it fits. And at the risk of sounding very twee, I couldn't imagine any other ring being right just like I couldn't imagine any other person being right. You may now vomit into the nearest available waste paper basket. (Kidding).

Why I'm No Longer In Love With Vinted,

Right, this is not me saying I don't like Vinted or I'm going to stop using it or anything like that, but there are a few things I am getting sick of, and it's not just things which are problems with sellers or buyers or general users, though some of the things are.

First off, I recently bought a veil because the one I was going to use for my wedding got damaged, so I bought a new to me one on Vinted. One of the biggest reasons for doing that is that veils, or at least those in the price bracket I was happy to look at, tend to be made of unnatural materials and they're used once and then either packed away as an heirloom you don't know that someone is going to want or they're donated to charity shops (good choice!) or they're a little bit damaged and they're thrown in the bin. I do understand that most people are not going to choose to buy a damaged veil or people won't fix it before selling it if it was cheap to start with and I also realise that there might seem to be a bit of hypocrisy in criticising throwing away a broken veil since I was shopping to replace on BUT I was going to replace the comb on my original until it seemed like that would cost more than getting a new one and I couldn't find one I actually liked. Tangent over, I bought a cathedral length veil because I was having a bit of a fairy whimsical day. It arrived, I tried it on with my dress and decided it looked daft. Say what you will about bridal stores being expensive but at least you can try things on in store without committing to buying them before realising it looks ridiculous. To me, it seems pointless to take a load of new pictures of the thing when the condition is completely unchanged, and Vinted themselves say that if you receive something and change your mind on it, resell it. But you can't use the same pictures. Or pictures which are too similar, because it flags it. Doesn't flag a shocking amount of baby formula which you're not allowed to resell, but that is by the by. I get that not taking your own pictures is a risk because the condition CAN have changed, but there are also times it hasn't, and it means for things like a dress, which you try on, don't damage but isn't your size, you can't take your own photo of it being worn BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FIT!

Another thing which gets my goat is something I've seen a lot of people upset about. Items which arrive in a condition which is not what you were expecting have to either be resold or returned at the cost of the buyer. Erm, no? The seller has the choice to return it at their expense, but I would be curious to see the data on how many do actually cover the postage, because I doubt it's many. It's not even like this is covered by Vinted and the "buyer protection" even though that is exactly what such a charge should be for, surely? I'm sure some sellers do return things at their cost, when they genuinely didn't realise there was a stain or a hole or a part missing or whatever, but if you've taken photos to show something in "it's best light" and that really means you've edited out the bobbling, or hidden the fake tan on the collar or just omitted something entirely, you're not going to cop for the postage to return, are you? I realise that there will be debate over the condition of something - I've had a situation before where someone complained about the condition of an item where it was visible in the photos and they were trying to demand a return or they would leave negative feedback (it wasn't on Vinted, mind) - or what some people call "good" others would call "fair" or "satisfactory" or whatever, and at that stage Vinted really need to step in as the arbiter and take the evidence of the advert and any photos submitted etc and make a decision. Yes, there will always be someone feeling wronged, but it's surely fairer? I'm sure that's what eBay used to do or possibly still do?

The thing that irritates me the most though is, and I realise I could be alone in this one, but I doubt it, I hate when you're looking for something specific, and it's not the sort of thing you'll need to buy repeatedly, and then you find a deal you're happy with, you buy it, and then your feed is FULL of that item. I know it's how the algorithms work and such, but there is nothing more annoying than a parade of 'here's what you could have had' where you might see something better, cheaper, closer (for bigger items) but you've bought something now and it should be done with. It's not what Vinted was supposed to be made for because it just feeds consumerism and Vinted was supposed to be about reducing what goes into landfill and reusing thing which still have life. They're already crap about allowing you to sell recycled items which you've had made from something else so they could at least stick to the bits that they committed to do. If it's things like baby clothes, sure, show me other things in the same size, or in a month or so, the next size, but don't show me newborn stuff when I'm searching 3-6 months because I DON'T NEED IT! Don't show me bottle warmers when I just bought one because I HAVE ONE and YOU KNOW I DO!

There are other bits, like I can't stand AI photos, and allowing people to list Shein brands as anything but Shein, the stupid sizing changes (why do we have to have a number and a letter when the two very often don't match up!) for an inability to use brands actually sizing in the listing? Snags have a specific letter sizing for a reason and I'm sure that Vinted could reference their sizing chart or others like Ted Baker to make it easier for everyone! I know Snag have now made their own preloved market place and I can understand why when so many others have so many problems! I'm sure there are other things to, but without a viable alternative (and I don't love eBay either and I think Little Loop is elitist - sorry) people will continue to use it and if people continue to use it as is, most businesses will never see a reason to change. *sigh*

Can We Burn Stuff Yet?,

This is a genuine question that I have, not because I don't think that the issues around fires are important but because I think that they are.

This isn't just a thing where I'm saying, oh, I'm a leader, ahem, sorry volunteer in Scouting and I want to have a camp fire with my young people, but because I use fires as a way to get rid of garden waste in my own garden and not being able to do it at the moment in a controlled and safe manner with the appropriate extinguishing methods around is actually causing another issue meaning that when there hasn't been rain (and thankfully there has been the last couple of days) piles of garden waste are sitting around waiting to be disposed of and there's nothing I can do to get rid of them.

Now, I know some people will say things like get a skip or do a tip run, but we haven't got a trailer at the moment and even when we have the borrow of one there are limits on what sort of trailer and you can only take it to the tip once a month and it's got to be booked way in advance, but there are also limits on what can be taken. The house we bought is right near the river and gets a bit of Himalayan Balsam growing, which you can't take to the tip because it's invasive, so all we can really do is dry it, then burn it to try and get rid of it.

Now, I know that uncontrolled fires have been devastating and I'm not saying all of this should take priority over the protection of homes and firefighters and all of the other reasons that bans on disposable BBQs and such have been brought into place, but what I'm asking is, how do we know when things 'return to normal'? I'm guessing the UK warning system won't be used to state everything is fine and the danger has passed, and I don't think it should, but are we waiting for people to use common sense (God, I hope not!) or is there an announcement, a bulletin or something which will happen? Is it national? Is it regional? Are we on stop until Hallowe'en, or bonfire night? It's a genuine question I don't know the answer to...

And really, should disposable BBQs ever not be under a national ban? Well... Yes, and no. Personally I don't love them and I never have. They're sometimes used by Duke of Edinburgh groups and I find it really concerning, because whilst camping kit is expensive I think learning with inappropriate gear is worrying in general. People don't think about where they are setting them up, don't take them out of the cardboard and then the cardboard can act like a taper to the ground underneath and suddenly it's a whole mess that wasn't intended and likely wasn't anticipated by the person using them because they are by no means idiot proof. Small camping gas stoves are safer because of the difference in packaging and because generally they need to be cooler for less time before they can go back in a case and be safely carried away. They're also a bit less likely to just be dumped where they are used and they don't require the carrying of matches or lighters (generally). They're not stupidly expensive, either.

But, disposable BBQs do have their place. Now, I realise that above I'm making it seem like that's completely awful, but I was once involved in a festival at my university which was called Feastival and one of the main aims was for everyone to be able to eat together and when you have a university with a pretty damn good diversity record that can get a bit complicated. We needed Kosher cooking implements and that included the BBQ on which the food would be cooked as well as the food itself being kosher. Had one of the Jewish students who kept kosher been really into camping we likely would have had access to the right thing, but they didn't so the best option was a Kosher disposable BBQ which meant that no one had the extra errand of getting something kashered before the event or after it in case it had been contaminated by something, even if that was just for the peace of mind of all involved. We had a plan of how it would be used and monitored - within a short distance of the other BBQs and on an elevated surface away from flammable materials - with a bucket of water close by in case we needed to put it out quickly, and a plan for disposal afterwards - leave it for several hours until cool and then put it into the university bins - and we weren't in the middle of grassland or woodland. We were in the "centre" of London - not the city of London or anything - but we still weren't taking any chances!

And on that note, I'm going to watch the rain on my windows... 

Things That Changed When I Went To Mummy and Me Dancing,

The class isn't actually called Mummy and Me dancing, but that's what it gets referred to as in our house and it works.

At risk of going on a tangent, I'm going to go against the commandments of Tim Minchin about defining yourself by things you love and not just things you hate.

When my son was first born I didn't know what to do with myself or with him, but I knew that everything I had seen of baby sensory classes meant I wasn't really up for that, and you're not able to take tiny babies to swimming. Since I had a C section, I wouldn't have been able to go until that point anyway, and I wasn't confident of taking him on my own, or my own recovery for a long time, so we've still not gone.

I can't remember how I found the class I now go to, but I am honestly glad that I did.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm really uncoordinated and any sort of dance routine highlights that even more. I can fall over trying to walk in a straight line, so trying to dance definitely makes me worry I might fall on my butt, or make an idiot out of myself, but it has been some of the best fun I have had for a while, and the extra weight of having baby during the routines makes it great exercise, too. 

I started off wanting to lose a bit of weight to fit into a wedding dress, which hasn't really happened, but I have been able to get stronger, be better able to carry my son partly due to some great advice on carriers, and also made some other mum friends whose babies are around the same age as my son.

I have really enjoyed listening to some different music, learning dance routines or trying to as best as I can manage, and only sitting out the dances which are filmed for social media, because we're not posting little man online. I'm less worried about looking silly or falling over during line dances and I'm starting to get to grips with some of the routines. I'm still nowhere near a fitness enthusiast, and I can't do press ups or a proper plank, but I can follow the steps and I know what a grape vine is, at least in the context of that dance class! 

That being said, I'm still lost when we do something new, and I still have no idea what a step ball change is or whether that is how you write it down. I know I could Google it, but the truth is I'm not sure I mind not knowing. 

One thing I never imagined though was it being tough when other mum's go back to work. It's partly because it reminds me that it won't be long before I go back, too, but also because you spend weeks or months hearing about the struggles and milestones of other babies, and then oh so very quickly we get to the stage where their mum is going back to work and those little ones are going to nursery, a childminder or another relative to be looked after, and if these kids come across each other again it'll likely be when they are 16 and in college, and any bond that they had as babies will have been long forgotten. They play together, they learn together, they learn from each other, but then they are soon separated and it's such a shame. I know the same will happen when they go to nursery, but at least the majority of the time they will stay together until they are ready to go to Reception and go off to their different primary schools.

Since going to a class with other babies I've realised there is a value in baby sensory and other bits that aren't really up my street, but at the right time or in the right place, they can be pretty good. 

What Can You Have Left To Do?,

Baring in mind that we booked the wedding back in January, a few people have been asking me if everything is ready and everything is done and I would love to be the sort of super organised person that could say, yes, all that's left to do is pack, but sadly that is not the case.

First off, my future husband still needs a new shirt and a new pair of shoes to match his suit. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff, but this doesn't really feel too small! 

I'm still working on getting a few toys sorted for the playpen for little man, partly so he has somewhere to chill out and somewhere to stop himself from getting bored.

As if that was not enough I'm still working on a couple of little art projects for the wedding day and trying to find the time to do them is a little testing, but hopefully there is just enough time to get those done, and then it will be packing everything into the cars and getting everything from our house to the venue which feels like it might be a bit of a trauma.

It doesn't help that I keep feeling like I have hit a wall of exhaustion and still have a little boy to look after, and the little scamp is getting far more adventurous and mobile.

So as we head into the weekend and the number of weeks until the wedding ticks down by another one, I'm going to keep trying to find the time to get everything sorted and finished whilst also juggling little man and keeping him smiling!

So What Was It This Time,

For once, the reason I didn't get this posted on my own sort of schedule wasn't because of my son. Don't get me wrong, he's still a little tyke, skipping naps or having ten minutes and being "well rested" or not liking being put down for 30 seconds so I can pee or make food (I know neither of those two things are a 30 second job but his limit is 30 seconds before you know he's upset about not being the focus of attention, but he's a baby and that's what happens...)

Honestly the reason I've not posted is because I couldn't figure out what to write and it's not because my mind has gone blank, or because I've run out of things to say about the wedding or anything like that, but because I have always been mindful about what I do post and I try not to post any sort of drama which will act like a milk frother and just whip everything up worse and make my life even more hectic. Mainly because I don't have the time or the energy for the fall out. 

Recently, I've been upset by a few things that certain people have done and honestly it has taken far too much of my already limited time and vastly limited energy to either try and find a way to not care about it, or to deal with it. And let's be real, there are some situations which you can't deal with. There is no solution to them because the other people involved will never see things from your side. I'd love to say that that is fine, but honestly, it's frustrating and even more so when people complain about being in the middle, which is right where they have sat themselves. I realise this probably seems like vague shitposting and if I was reading it I would be wanting someone to do a Boston and throw all of the tea in the water, but I'm not going to do that, because it's a waste of time and because the idea of adding fuel to the fire when it's so close to my wedding is not actually an attractive prospect.

Inevitably, I don't know if people are intentionally starting drama right near the wedding to wind me up, to try and wind my future husband up, or just because they're too oblivious to realise it's a real dick move to put extra stress onto people that close to their wedding, but I'm honestly so done with it, and I've already been on a bit of a blocking binge for people who are just sapping my energy at the moment and I won't apologise for it. 

With the wedding getting closer one of the things on my list was to try and queue up a few blogs to give me time to finish the bits and pieces I need to and also for the time that our honeymoon should/may be, but honestly, I may need to sacrifice that one in order to stick to getting everything for the wedding done and everything for daily life done, too. Sorry and all that, but we'll just have to see what happens. 

That Which We Call A Hen Do...,

 Right, I've seen these called Hen Dos for years and I've seen American's call them bachelorette parties for years, too, but I saw it referred to as Stags and Does the other day and I don't know where that's from but it just doesn't sit right with me, to be quite honest. I don't know what it is, but I heard it and my only thought was, ew, no thanks. 

My image of a hen party has always been the 'classic' thing of Blackpool, getting drunk, wearing plaid skirts with plastic bottoms glued on (because I saw them in Blackpool once) and again it was one of those things that was like, yeah... no thanks, it's not for me. My future husband and I did consider just renting an Airbnb somewhere, having a few drinks with close friends and a bit of a games night but when we wrote out a list of people we would like to invite it started to get a little bit crazy and then get away from the idea of it being just a holiday of friends and more into typical stag or hen parties which are banned from some big houses because of the damage that previous drunken parties have done. The bigger it got, the more it felt like a mini wedding party before the wedding or we worried that there would be people we were inviting out of obligation rather than a desire for them to be there and so that went out of the window. I had thought before a spa day with just my mum or something might be nice, but even that didn't feel quite right, so it was back to the drawing board again. 

In the end I thought I would do the same thing as we have done for the wedding and take an approach of it's my party and I'm going to do what I want. 

One thing I did realise with it was that my ability to organise is shocking, and my ability to understand dates has got worse since having my son because I don't need to know what day or date it is most of the time, so there were a few people that I realised last minute that had I sat down and thought about it properly, I would have invited, but inviting people on the day of felt like an afterthought, which it wasn't but I think I've found the reason that the hen do is organised by your maid of honour or bridesmaids and it's because splitting focus between the wedding and the hen means you kind of do everything wrong.

I had desperately wanted to go to a certain Italian restaurant in Manchester, but when I came to book it, getting a table before 9pm wasn't possible, and we were meeting up earlier than that so I wasn't really up for going out for drinks and then going there because it was a group of neurodivergent friends and I, and we can get loud without realising it when we're sober, and I didn't want to interrupt other people's dinners, especially not there and especially not when the place was having a busy night, so instead I chose an Indian place which I love and got to introduce my super foodie friend to it. That never happens! There's also something very apt about it being a hen night and chaat bombs, because giving people warnings that they will go everywhere if you bite them. How is it that EVERY TIME someone does not heed the warning? So the night started with yoghurt everywhere and went from there. 

It wasn't a traditional thing in any way shape or form, because it was me and my male friends, I hated the white dress I had been planning on wearing so grabbed something black instead (and my green Doc Martens, so got to feel so like myself that it was incredible), and instead of doing the somewhat popular activity, food, drowning your liver in your tipple of choice we started with drinking at dinner and it all escalated from there. The lads hadn't known each other at the start of the night, but one of the great things is that they will now know each other at the wedding and that makes me feel a lot calmer, because people coming on their own who don't know anyone else there makes me worry. I don't want anyone to feel left out during the wedding, so it's good that they've got someone they vaguely know and once got drunk with.

It's also not lost on me that the people who were able to make it are those who don't have children, and those who couldn't make it have, because I know that had it been someone else's night and my son was ill, or he'd been a live wire for the day and I was exhausted, I wouldn't have made it either, and even though I do bring him up in conversation quite a bit, it was nice that the hen do wasn't completely about being his mum.

The night ended with my very soon to be husband picking up three of us and driving us home whilst I was insufferably drunk, and putting up with me as he does so well, and only partly because I've promised to do the same for him after his stag do.

I don't know whether it's that the hen do has happened or by sheer proximity, but everything for the wedding is feeling a lot more real now and whilst I love that, it is making me very nervous about things arriving on time or getting everything packed and to the venue, getting last things like hair cuts and nails done (why am I suddenly a person who cares about getting my nails done!) and I have genuinely considered starting to pack suitcases of bits we need but I keep telling myself that that is a bit neurotic, but I probably won't be able to hold off that long because it's getting very close now. 

I'm sure that a few people who have read this blog for a while will be glad when the wedding stuff goes off, but when it's so close and it's such a big thing in your life, it's obviously something you're going to talk about a lot of the time, and even when I don't, people ask.

I May Have Mentioned This Before,

 But I'm tired and I'm trying so let's just go with it.

One of the "fun" things about getting married is that it changes the way that you register the birth or births of any future children. When our son was born it was assumed that I was his mother, but because my partner and I weren't married at the time, until we went and formally registered his birth and put my partner's name on the birth certificate, he didn't have any legal parental responsibility for him. How that would have worked had something gone wrong I don't really know, but thankfully one of the things that happens following a marriage is that a child is assumed to belong to both the birthing parent and their spouse. (As far as I am aware it is the same for non-binary or same sex couples.)

I'm just going to note that I'm saying I was assumed to be his mother because there are a few legal sticky bits if there's been surrogacy involved or any mix ups at fertility clinics, though I believe they are thankfully very few and far between!

Naturally, that only impacts any future children we have as opposed to the little guy we have now, so what happens with him? Well, we have to re-register his birth as a child of our marriage. Before you say, well he's not, I know. Before you say it's stupid, I know, it is. But it is a legal requirement and what gets even more ridiculous is that it's not even because he's under a certain age. No matter - as I understand it - the age of the child (even if they're an adult) their birth has to be re-registered. And yes, legally you have to do it, even though there is no specific timeline on which you have to do it. (Or a penalty for not doing, as far as I understand.)

And as with a lot of things, I had a bit of an emotional reaction to this, because it feels a bit like re-writing history as though I'm embarrassed that my partner and I weren't married at the time that we had my son and as though that means something about my son. I know in the past it has and there have been some names which people use to describe children born outside of a marriage, and the reason is - at least in part - the inheritance law which was why this appointment existed, but the really stupid thing is, that has been changed! But the marriage law or the registration part wasn't and I don't understand why. To me, it seems like it's just giving the registry office something more to do, as though they're not actually busy (which they are) and stopping these appointments, which are done for free, would free up time to do other things like marriage notice appointments (which are paid for) or marriages (which are paid for) or register births. When we registered little man's birth we registered him in the local authority he was born in (which you have to) and we were able to do that when he was 3 days old, but in the one we live in, you couldn't get an appointment for a few weeks, and there are certain things you need the birth certificate to do, like open a bank account or get a passport, so it seems crazy to have to offer needless appointments which take time away from very important ones!

Even if you're not a big believer in marriage or it's not something you are particularly fussed about, there are things which make it sensible, like thinking about inheritance if something happened to one of you, or for ensuring that if something bad happens, you are the legal next of kin. I realise that all seems to be for planning "if something bad happens" but in those situations, marriage becomes important and not being married is just another stress on top of an already stressful situation. For some, it's the protection of if you split, assets are divided and there is the ability to have the situation looked at from the outside, because if there are kids involved, one of you likely had to pause your career in order to look after them, even if it was for a short time, and financial contributions wouldn't look 50/50, but that's not all there is to family life. 

I think this went in a different direction than I was originally intending, but that happens when you write a blog in two halves. 

Insomnia Hits Different Now,

Before I got pregnant - God, that seems like such a long time ago now - I used to get really aggravated when people would tell me that I didn't know what tired was because I wasn't and never had been a parent. It honestly bugged the hell out of me. Now that I am a parent, it still bugs the hell out of me. 

Here's the thing. I've had sleep issues for a long time and when I was writing over one of the summers after I was in college, I got into this fabulous routine where I was going to sleep around 2am and getting up around 10am and I was wildly more functional as a person than I have been in a long time. All of a sudden I was getting enough sleep and getting through sleep cycles so I actually felt rested and it was just glorious, but it's a sleep pattern that doesn't fit in with work or with a lot of things and it certainly doesn't fit in with my son, partly because he is still working on the idea of a sleep routine...

Insomnia hits differently now because I used to give myself the permission to sleep more when I could, and I don't really get to do that as much anymore because my son doesn't always love naps and sometimes by the time he gets down for a nap I'm too awake to also have a nap, but also because the point where it becomes a problem and the point where I can do something about it have swapped now. If I realise I'm hitting the point of exhaustion where I need a solid sleep, I need to take some meds to help me sleep before about 10pm, but most of the time I don't figure out that I'm actually struggling until about 1am and then it's too late to be able to do anything, because the type of meds that help me sleep can leave me slightlu incapacitated which isn't an option when I'm the only adult who will be in the house for a few hours with my son and it's also a time when he is likely to be awake and need attention.

People told me that you find a new reserve of energy and you're able to get through the day and unless I'm missing something or that doesn't kick in until you go back to work, it's not happened unfortunately, and I'm worried that it won't, but I guess I will have to wait to find out... 

My Latest Obsession,

Well, one of.

We have a "decent sized" garden, and in that "decent sized" garden, we have a number of fruit trees, and when we moved in last year the fruit hadn't been picked or collected from the ground and so there was a massive slippery carpet of rotting apples which made it very difficult for the mobility challenged being developing her own centre of gravity due to how big she was (me...) to get around the garden or to the bottom of it, which is sad because the river is at the bottom and I like the river and I missed it.

In order to address the issue of the apples, which I worried would attract floods of rats (they didn't) I wanted a composter because our lovely council are one of these that have decided you need to pay extra for a garden waste collection and it wound me up so I said no (in hindsight, massively stupid decision.) So I bought a composter and my dad dug up a patch of grass so it could go onto the bare earth, and then a rat (only one, not the armies of them I had imagined) got into it, so we dug down, pressed it into the ground a bit and then the rat got in again, and I got annoyed... but we collected a reasonably large number of apples more than once - like a couple of washing baskets full of apples on at least three occasions - and tossed them in before realising that whole apples in a composter don't rot down amazingly well, so it's like they're sitting there and waiting for the rats, so we got an apple scratter an put it on the end of my partners SDS drill. For the uninitiated, we got a drill bit with a propeller like blade on it and put it onto my future husband's REALLY BIG drill, and we minced those rotting apples like they were going to become the worst cider ever invented. And then we chucked them back into the composter with a bunch of shredded paper and cardboard and other things which get classed as "brown" no matter what colour they are. And then it was winter so nothing much composts but apple season was over and we couldn't get everything off the floor but it gave the birds something to eat, and the rodents something to eat which gave the birds something to do... And it gave the cats something else to do other than trying to get the birds. 

As the windfall apples started to come down this year (and the pear and the blackberries and the elderberries and before this gets too romantic sounding, the nettles, the thistles and all of the other weeds...) I looked at that composter and thought, well, that's crap. Let's try something else.

That bin collection I never wanted to pay for, well, we have two of the bins going spare, so why not start a composter in one of those. Because my partner said no. But then I found a great video about how you can produce compost in a wheelie bin in 30 days so I told him I was doing it and it was fine because if or when we decided to use the bin, it wouldn't take too long to clear it out. Except it's not bloody working. 

I was aiming to get it going to a good, hot composter and then I could chuck all of my seeded weeds in there and cook them and it would have been great, wouldn't it, except I did basically everything right like leaving space for ventilation - I even propped the lid open for a few hours a day to get oxygen into it, I tore up cardboard and was careful to only add the non-plasticy cardboard in, and I didn't dump all the wood ash into it - I didn't put any in - and I mixed the green and brown stuff and I added an accelerator and it is not moving. At all. I even turn it. I don't do it every day (to help it build the heat) but I turn it, I poke it, I get oxygen right into it and keep it the right level of moist and it's just not playing ball. 

So I ask my partner to get me the water butt from behind the garage so I can check why it's empty (spoiler alert: it was cracked, which should have been expected) and then he says, why don't you make that a composter? And I say because the tap is broken and he looks at me like my label has dropped off because he doesn't give a shit about compost. And then I say, I could make it into a womery, and then it's too late because I've ordered the worms and we'll just see how that goes, right? Well, first problem, yeah, the tap is broken and in trying to remove it, we broke it worse and I then couldn't find the new tap I bought so worry that the worms, who hadn't arrived yet, would try and escape through the hole. So partner plugs the hole where the tap was. There's still the crack on the bottom so we need to place this carefully, but we manage, and then it's ah, what if the "worm tea" - not edible or drinkable, but it feeds your soil - doesn't drain quickly through the crack? No worries, I've layered ticks and leaves at the bottom and it's letting the oxygen in, too. Plus there is a big hole in the lid where the gutter used to go in... 

Then the worms arrive. So they're in situ and I'm hoping for the best, but when I went out today to check on them, one was near the top of the bin and I can't see any more of them... And then I emptied one of the hoovers into it because it's full of dog hair and a spider from the nursery which somehow survived being vacuumed up and has made clear that the wormery now belongs to it so I'm not sticking my hand in there, gloved or otherwise, to dig around and see if they're just hiding... But I'm also now worried because the hole in the top which is great for ventilation or for just dropping bits and pieces through will also let in a lot of rain and let the cold in when the weather turns, so now I'm wondering if I should attach a piece of gutter pipe with either a corner or a U shape on the top to stop the rain getting in... Before I do that though, I want proof of life on the little wrigglers and more than just the one of them.

It may be that I just haven't got the patience and I need to wait for the good bacteria and the rest of the food chain to move in, but I also kind of wanted rolling composters, but they're expensive, or a biodigester, but that's silly, and I do wonder if I need to get some cow or horse manure to get it started like you do with biodigesters, but I think they do anaerobic no aerobic breakdown which isn't what I'm going for, because it stinks, so not sure if that would help. Honestly, I've been tempted by an entire zoo of animals, but it's mainly to keep on top of the bloody garden waste. 

It's a project. We always knew it was a project and it's just proving that it is.