Just Do It,

A few years ago my ex partner - can't remember if he was the ex at the time or not, and I'm not sure that it really matters - showed me a video that Shia LaBeouf made that was the phrase, Just Do It, and a couple of other little gems like, if you want to stop starting over, stop giving up. Periodically, it pops into my head clear as day, because I get sick of the doubts in my head that stand in the way of the things I want to do or the things I intend to do. Today is one of those days. 

When I bought the new laptop, I managed to pull myself out of a pretty major writing funk that had made me feel as though I had lost a significant part of myself. I've been writing since I was a small person, or a smaller person, and I've been a part of NaNoWriMo since I was sixteen, so thinking that it was a part of my life I was going to walk away from and that I thought I was closing the door on completely and I didn't realise how awful that felt. I have it written everywhere that what I am is a writer, a dreamer and a fairies believer, so walking away from that completely should have felt disgusting, but at the time I just wasn't feeling the decision and it's only when I've walked it back that I've realised how much of an impact that it had on me. 

Saying that though, the whole, I walked that decision back, I recommitted to writing and I knew what I was doing with it more than I had for a while - don't take that as I have any idea of a direction or destination for what I want in terms of writing, because I definitely don't - I knew what I wanted to do, I knew more what I wanted to write about and I knew that I actually wanted to write which was something pretty new - well, old, missing for a while and then new - but the problem has come in the space in between writing something - whether it be blogs, short stories or sometimes emails - and putting it into a space where someone else can read it. 

I've taken a few knocks recently, and honestly there have been points where I have felt like it was everything that was going wrong, and when it comes to my writing it's something that is often so personal that the idea of being kicked from another direction when I was already feeling more than bruised was just completely overwhelming and completely paralysing. I'm starting to feel like things are turning a corner, or at least I'm hoping that they are, because I'm trying to refuse to feel worse than I have over the last few weeks, and if that is the case one of the things which needs to happen is I need to be okay with sharing things I have written with the world again. I need to actually click 'Publish' on the blog posts I have written, 'Send' on the emails I have left in Drafts and I need to kick my ass into finishing a couple of drafts of things that I want to think about what I want to do with, but I have been putting it off. 

Anyway, this is the first thing I have pressed 'Publish' on. Long may it continue.