Firstly, I've not written here much because the idea of writing about my pregnancy wasn't something I felt greatly comfortable with, and I would say that sharing my thoughts and feelings online has been becoming more and more uncomfortable for a while. For a while I think I've focused on writing about writing because it's something I can keep at least half a step away from myself, even though it's common knowledge that people very often poor their hearts into their writing.
I'm not really ready to talk about all of the other things which have been happening in the last few weeks and months, other than to say myself and the bump are doing okay, and the most of the stress that I have been going through has been to do with moving house, not moving house and the general process of buying and selling property which just kind of sucks.
One of the things I have been struggling with though is anxiety, and I think a lot of that is to do with how many things in pregnancy feel like an unknown. I have said a few times, if not a lot of times, that there are so many things I have only found out about pregnancy since being pregnant, and I'm pretty sure that there is a reason for that, and honestly, I think that reason is that if people knew some of it, they might question whether they wanted to get pregnant or have children. I'm not saying in any way that I regret little bump, because I don't, but I do know that I could have been far more mentally prepared for this than I was.
You might think, surely you reach a stage where you now know the things you didn't know, but there is so much uncertainty in a pregnancy that without a really good crystal ball or a time machine, there is no way you can find the answers until it happens.
Like I said, I'm not ready to rehash things from the beginning, so let's just go with the next bit I'm facing: birth. I was advised to go to an antenatal class about birth and I went, but I have been looking into a lot of things by myself, and there are some things I am certain about, like if everything goes well, delayed cord clamping sounds like a good idea because at least then bump is getting the benefit from that, but there is so much uncertainty, too. When will I go into labour? Is the bub going to be early, are they going to be late, or are they going to be one of the few babies that arrive on their due date? Is the baby going to have turned in time? (We actually know the answer to that one already; they have.) Are they going to be a girl or a boy? (We know the answer to this, too, and have been talking about it, but not going to share it online right now.) Are they going to suit the name or names we've been considering? (Some might think this is a weird one because babies look like babies, but that's my opinion, and no I don't have an answer for why some people would look at their child and call them Princess Fifi Trixibelle or Terry or whatever... the point of this post is that I don't have all of the answers.)
A lot of the time you make decisions based on what you do know or what you think or what you feel, and honestly I think one of the reasons that a (I believe still growing) number of people opt for a C section is because it gives some degree of certainty around a birth. Yes, you have no idea how you're going to feel or react, but you have certainty around a date, generally, or a higher degree of certainty than you would have otherwise, and you can have some certainty around the person that you want with you being with you, because they can plan to be on leave from work etc because you know when it is most likely to happen. (I know, things can still go wrong like beds issues, staffing issues, illnesses which prevent you from having surgery etc, and you can still go into labour earlier than you had planned to...) Personally, I don't think it's something that I want, partly because I know the recovery is brutal and also the risks of things like infection or popping stitches etc just doesn't appeal to say the least.
One of the biggest things though is pain relief and a person's ability to cope with it or without it, but there is also the influence it has on other decisions. In my head I think I would, if it's possible, because there's no guarantee that it would be available, want to be the pool or a bath, because water makes me calmer and generally it is considered to be good at helping to manage pain, but being in the water means no strong drugs and also no epidural, and I'm not sure how well I'll cope with the kind of pain that I will be in. I have no concept of how contractions feel, other than the Braxton Hicks I think I've been having that could just have been strong movements by the bump, so it's difficult to say I absolutely don't want stronger forms of pain relief than gas and air. (Granted, I don't want to say absolutely not to anything, because every decision should be based on what's going on at the time. If the pain is enough that it's making me throw up or think I might throw up, a different kind of pain relief might be the best or only option.)
There are smaller worries that come with it all, like not knowing if you're going to have that cinema trope kind of gush of waters, or it be more like a trickle, and when that's going to happen so you can minimise all of the mess, or at least be carrying spare clothes and a towel if it's going to happen away from home... Worries like, will I have my hospital bag with me? (Just keep it close seems to be the best advice.) Will it have everything I need? (Best advice, it doesn't matter. If you really need something, it can be sourced and if it can't, you really can do without it, or you might just have to.) Have I packed too much? (Probably, but does it matter?)
Essentially, there are a lot of unknowns and unknowables that make me feel quite stressed out, and one of the difficulties I have had over the last few weeks has been trying to write a 'birth plan' which is more like a list of preferences or suggestions rather than an actual plan, but that feels difficult to write down because how do you write down the uncertainty of I would much prefer not to have to do something or have something done, but if it comes to it and it's necessary (and where is the bar for necessary?) I'll reluctantly accept it. Sadly there are also some parts where I feel like I have too much information and I would have rather been kept somewhat in the dark about it. I know that medical shows like Grey's Anatomy and This Is Going to Hurt are purposely dramatic and they're either made up scenarios or they are hand picked from a bunch of mundane cases because they are interesting and a good storyline, but there are things I know from them that sadly I can't forget.
I guess the upshot is there is a lot that I don't know and won't know for a while, and worrying about it won't change that, but I can understand why pregnant women worry, because there is so much that either is or feels very much out of our hands, so I can understand why there is so much hype behind dishes or Starbucks drinks that claim to help labour start, because it's the sort of thing that can just help someone feel a bit more in control of things.
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