What We Don't Know,

This might be a little all over the place because I'm working on very little sleep and trying to get it typed up whilst watching over my little boy in his bouncer, and also eating my lunch, because nothing teaches you to multitask like becoming a mum. Or a parent in general really, but when I think of it in terms of myself I always think of it in terms of becoming a mum instead of becoming a parent. Maybe that's just me?

I realise there is a privilege to being a parent these days. I'm not talking about the privilege of a relatively easy journey into being a parent and whether infertility rates are going up or we're just hearing more of it because people are more open about it, society is more accepting of discussions about it and because social media means when you've seen one video about something you see ALL OF THEM, but the privilege of the fact that when something seems... off?... you can do a quick search on Google (*other search engines are available even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes) or go to specific places such as communities on Reddit, forums on Peanut or similar apps for parents or even the NHSs own website(s) to reassure yourself that everything is fine or find information about what to do next. I've said a few times that these things aren't perfect, but then all babies are loveable little individuals, they're all different and none of them come with an instruction manual, so I get that most of these places are just full of people doing their best.

That being said, research is done with an idea in mind of what we don't know; it's a specific question being asked and hopefully answered whether it's a quick Google search, hitting the text books, medical journals with case files of things which have happened before or work in labs where there is a particular scope or question and the research is the journey to finding out the answer. So what happens if you don't know what the question is? Or what is you have what you think is an answer, but it's wrong? Well, nothing happens, which I think is why I love Tim Minchin's Commencement Speech when he says (I'm paraphrasing slightly) that opinions differ from arseholes in that, whilst everyone has one, yours should be constantly and thoroughly examined, because it's true, and also because it's Tim Minchin so it's funny. Unfortunately though people are very often only dispossessed of their erroneous facts and opinions when they're mocked for holding them in the first place, or upon being forced to be because they have been proven wrong, and honestly, it seems a little harsh. Is this a tangent? I promise it is not.

Recently I met up with a group of other women, all of whom have children, but ranging from my own at under a year, to some whose children are in their twenties, so they're probably closer in age to when they will or might become grandparents than their own experiences of pregnancy, childbirth and early parenthood, but the great thing is there is a universality to the experience of parenthood, even when there are so many divisions between us and there are some things you can only understand as a mum or a birthing parent (I know the two are not synonymous) or a non birthing parent, or a working parent, a single parent, a twin mum, a c-section mum etc. Even within those groups you'll have divisions, whether it be elective or emergency C-sections (reluctant C-section mums like myself) and there are obviously a lot that can intersect as well, which can further unite and divide us depending on where we fall.

I think I've previously mentioned - or perhaps I just wrote as part of my I'm distracting myself from the monotony and boredom of waiting for something to happen in the hospital - that when I came across a video on social media that stated that when you have a "month long period" after childbirth, it's not that, but it is partly because your body has a dinner plate sized wound where the placenta has detached from and your body needs to heal it and that comes with some bleeding or something that looks like bleeding and partly because your body is doing a bunch of things to go back to it's pre-pregnancy self (or at least your uterus is, or is aiming to). 

One of the ladies I was with mentioned she didn't think you bled with a C-section, but you do, because even with the best surgeon, they can't repair the wound from the placenta instantly and they can't do everything else to heal the body that the body does for itself. She then asked if it was when you were breastfeeding that you didn't bleed, and no, you do, and you can actually bleed more, because all the clotting that your body has to do as part of that healing process can be interrupted by the hormones which are needed for breastfeeding. Thankfully, I have seen enough information out there that says you don't need to go into the hospital about the bleeding unless the clot are bigger than the size of a lemon, and let's face it, you're going to remember that because it feels pretty shocking - lemons aren't small!! - but the whole experience is pretty shocking. I remember I knocked my belly somehow, it might have been whilst putting on one of those support belt things because my scar was tender and my back was still painful, and there was this gush... And I thought I had really done myself some damage, but no, it was completely normal. 

It sounds a bit like a conspiracy theory, but I often wondered when I was going through pregnancy if the reason you weren't told about certain things which happen or the frequency with which they happen was less to do with inadequate messaging or not knowing how to reach the right people etc and more to do with not putting anyone off of having a baby that wants to, because generally birth rates (I'm just talking in the UK here) are lower than previous, although some recent records show a slight, very slight, uptick. Given that fertility rates have been dropping (at least in what I read from 2021-2024) and people are having smaller families at a later stage, anything else which is liable to make more people reconsider having children is probably seen as a bad thing.

That being said, and it might be because I'm a thirsty sponge for information, I generally think that more information is better, and even if a person is never planning to have children, can't biologically have children or whatever their situation, more people understanding pregnancy symptoms and conditions like Hyperemesis Gravidarum, severe morning sickness (because it can be severe without reaching the level of HG) and pelvic girdle pain to name only a few, there might be a little more compassion and understanding for pregnant people. Granted there also might not be, because there are people who simply believe that pregnancy is a choice and if you make the choice it's your problem to deal with what you get with it, but I'm choosing to be optimistic about people's ability and inclination towards compassion, partly because I don't want to think about the issues which are still ongoing in America where choice and pregnancy are a very problematic conversation for other reasons. 

To Leave "Well Enough" Alone,

I'm so on the fence about this right now that the best I can do is write it out and then see how I feel after it. 

Recently, in order to have my son, I had a C section. The actual procedure went relatively smoothly, but everything around it emotionally has been a total rollercoaster, not least because it happened almost immediately after the announcements of the NHS birthing statistics and the noise around the fact that the number of cesarian births in the UK now outnumbers spontaneous (unassisted) vaginal births. I call it noise because that is how it feels to me. A lot of the voices involved seem to be whipping up a frenzy which is so unnecessary and it seems that there are those endeavouring to cause more tension and division rather than address tensions which already exist, and accept that how a person gives birth shouldn't matter to anyone other than that person, their partner and their close family, unless we're talking about medical coercion in maternity care, where the vulnerability of the patient is exploited in order to make life easier for staff involved. 

I've been speaking to my midwives and my partner, my family and a few of my mum friends about the experience of it all and how I've felt about it, and had I already moved to the hospital closest to me I would have an appointment in a specialty clinic where one of the midwives goes through your medical notes with you, discusses the things that happened and helps you to understand what was done and why. As things stand, I don't think the hospital I gave birth at does these type of appointments, or if they do, I've never been told about them.

Whilst my partner and I have discussed that things could have been a significant amount worse for me, for us, for our son, I still struggle to accept what happened and there is a lot where I feel like it was my own fault, for going forward with the induction initially, and then for agreeing to something I knew I absolutely didn't want, but at the time I had to make the decision I was stuck between two really crap options, and even before I decided to go through with the induction I was stuck between a couple of crap options, because I was in a lot of pain and struggling to walk, struggling with sickness and struggling with all of the emotions that came with all of that.

I have been trying to give myself the time to write my way through what happened, partly to process it, partly because there are some parts that I want to remember, like the first time I got to hold my son, but there are a few that I don't really want to remember, and those are the bits that are stuck in my head. Things like the details that the surgeon was discussing with his junior feel like they are imprinted into my memory, and those are not the memories I want from when I was watching my partner holding our boy and going through all of the emotions you go through when you become a new dad. I have struggled a lot to find the time to go through all of this, and also to prioritise it because when I have time I just want to spend it sleeping, because I'm still recovering from the C section and also trying to get through the newborn era and take as much of it in as I can, because I know he won't be this small forever and even if we were to do something crazy like have another one, it's not the same, because at whatever point we have another (if we do, or if we can) they'll have a sibling, and our eldest will still be doing things and hitting milestones and needing attention, so it'll never be just me and a baby this small again. (Obviously I mean my partner, our baby and me!) 

So the question I have been considering is whether it's worth me keep trying to go over everything, especially as the further I get from the date that it happened, the hazier it all gets, is it worth trying to go over it all or am I better leaving it alone and accepting the fact that there will always be some difficult moments in the memories of the day my son came into the world, but that probably would have happened even if he had arrived according to the plan that I had been so attached to. I would hope that I can find a way to talk to him about it that our son knows that it's not anything to do with him, but obviously he needs to be a lot older for that, and I would have to find the age appropriate way to discuss it with him, but I'm not sure how I do that without some guidance or some help, and I think that has to mean going over it with a professional when I can. The other important thing is if, and it's a big if these days, we decide to have another child. Prior to having our son we had definitely intended to have at least two, and one of the things I said, though it might have been just from sheer terror, or sadness, or disappointment in the 'experience', was that I didn't think I could do this again. I know it's a bit of a cliche that women say they don't want another child after they've just had one and it's only as they get a bit of distance from it and as their hormones tell them that they want another, they forget how bad it really was.

I guess the important thing to remember though, or one of the very many important things involved in all of this, is that whilst I'm calling myself "well enough" I'm not. I'm still hormonal which is normal, but then I have random crying episodes that are more to do with the details of what happened and whilst they are affected by hormones, they are still a problem in and of themselves and not addressing them means they can affect me, my partner, our relationship, our child and our family in general, so even if it's uncomfortable or inconvenient, even if trying to find the time is difficult and it doesn't happen overly soon, I think it's important that I actually spend the time to get myself right with what happened, how it happened and if there's anything I need to do to address any of it, because if I don't do it now, or when I can, that doesn't mean that it's going to be going away. 

The Importance of Being Honest,

I would say I'm sorry about the play on words for the title, but I'm not because I love things like that. 

Since the start of this pregnancy, one of the things I have really tried to do is be honest, with myself, with my partner and with family and friends around me. That might make it sound like my general approach is deception, which it's not, but I know a lot of people struggle with the instruction or suggestion of not telling people outside of your immediate circle until you are twelve weeks pregnant. It's a balance of risk thing and the first trimester is considered the riskiest for miscarriage because losses happen at that stage for seemingly no reason, and very often it's difficult or impossible to know why. I've known people who've had recurrent miscarriages and it's both horrific to experience but also to not have answers of why this happened, particularly when the process of trying to get pregnant has not been easy.

We didn't really talk to anyone about the fact we were trying, partly because it is a bit of a strange conversation to have, but also because we didn't feel the need to invite outside commentary of whether it was too soon, or anything like that, but when we actually got pregnant, we shared the news with our parents very early on. I think can't remember if we told my partners close friends before or after we got engaged, but it was a decision we made because we saw them regularly to go out for food and an activity, and I was concerned that they wouldn't understand my increasing fussiness around food or might get a bit annoyed by it, so it was easier to say, hey guys, I'm struggling around food because I'm pregnant and morning sickness sucks.

We've shared with friends and family the highs and lows of buying the new house and going through this process whilst also being pregnant, how stressful it's been, how frustrating it's been, but also how having the baby made us more sure we chose the right house. Even before we knew that he was a boy we knew that the ability to play in the garden, to have the wild animals around and to hopefully be getting some birds again in a couple of years (maybe chickens, probably ducks, maybe geese) and raising our child to understand where their food comes from and things about eco systems and looking after the land and the trees and the river, all of those things were important to us as people and as parents so this really was the house and the dream if it could just all come together.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no question around whether we were having a gender reveal (it was a no!) but we wanted to share that we were having a boy, because although we didn't want to have a big party to reveal it, we didn't see a reason to hide it from anyone, because we had the certainty that he was a boy. (Granted, at my first growth scan I had a bit of anxiety about that, but they were soon able to set that right!) I should point out that I hate that they're called gender reveals because it's not gender, it's the baby's sex, so I guess I should say we know he's going to be born with a penis as opposed to we know he's a boy.

The only thing we've not shared with anyone really, or not many people, has been his name, and that's for a couple of reasons. 

Firstly, I don't want to hear what people have to say about it. I know most people say nice things or try to, but there's a lot of people who have a lot of opinions about names, whether they're unique names, classic names, Irish names or names spelt in the Irish way, or whatever. I am one of those people, and I'm glad that most of the time I see name announcements on Facebook because I am not good at controlling my facial expressions. At the end of the day, I can think what I want about people's name for their child and they can think what they like about my son's name, but it doesn't mean I want to hear it, and generally people will be more vocal before the birth because they see it as they have time to change your mind.

Secondly, I reserve the right to change my mind, or should I say, we reserve the right to change our minds. We've discussed his name many times, and we check in with each other that we're both still happy with what we've picked, and we're still muddling through trying to choose the right middle name, but when he comes out, it's possible that we look at him and go, oh, no, that's not right at all, or we think, he looks like a _____ instead of what we've chosen. I don't want to be stuck in a situation where we've told a lot of people the name, and then when he's here they're like, oh little X_____, and we're like, oh no, we actually decided to call him Y_____.

Lastly, and this is sort of connected to number two, but also sort of not... I don't really want things that are personalised to say X____ on them. Part of that is because we might want to change our minds, you never know, but another part of it is that babies are in things for such short spaces of time, they're growing and developing so fast that most things are going to be lasting them weeks or months, not years and whilst some of those items are going to be sentimental, we don't have the space to keep a load of items just because they have his name on them, and I would much rather either store them to be used for future siblings or pass them on to another parent who can make use of them, both of which can be slightly ruined by having a name or an initial marked or sewn in. It's personal preference, but I prefer things to be plainer, and some of the things we've chosen ourselves have been deliberately unisex, partly because we didn't know he was a he and partly because we know that we intend to have another one at some stage, and we don't know until that happens who or what they are going to be.

Obviously, there are risks with whether or not you share things or how much you share as you go along. Losses happen and then people have to go back and say, loss has happened, and that can be really hard to share. Errors can happen, so the girl or boy you celebrated and planned for can turn out to be the opposite at birth, and then it's explaining to people that whilst you thought you were having something, reality had a different thought, and people can change their minds about names for all sorts of reasons, whether it be positive or negative experiences with a person of that name, or someone close to you choosing the same or similar, but we all have to make our own choices based on what we're comfortable with, and sometimes we just need to accept that that might be something different than what we thought it might be. 

Does Nesting Look Different?,

I'm going to be a total hypocrite for a minute here, and I know that. I hate the way mum's get divided, or the whole idea of competition, whether it's between who's child did something first, or the various debates between c-section and vaginal birth, bottle vs breast, pumping and not pumping, cloth and disposable nappies, vaccinating and not vaccinating etc. Actually, that last one is a bit different, but anyway, I hate the way it feels like battle lines are drawn and you have to pick a team in each one and it just seems to make your circle smaller and smaller, or your section of the circles smaller and smaller like it's some Venn diagram. It drives me mad. But... 

There are times when I really want to reach out to other ADHD mamas who experienced antenatal anxiety (I think that's the term but I could be wrong - it's not anxiety towards the pregnancy and birth just a heightened anxiety because of the hormones whilst pregnant) and ask them if something is normal, or ask if something is because of the pregnancy or the ADHD. I mean, obviously that's based on the assumption that they would know the answer and there is a high chance that they wouldn't, because whilst we may all have experienced pregnancy differently the one thing we've not experienced is being pregnant without having ADHD. Even if your pregnancy was prior to diagnosis, you still had it when you were going through that and it would still have had an impact.

I've mentioned before that I have been struggling with pain. Apparently having ADHD comes with a little side quest of hypermobility and that generally means a pre-disposition towards Pelvic Girdle Pain, so this condition was a bit like Thanos; it's inevitable. It's also wholly maddening, but apparently that's where we're at. 

The pain that I'm in means I've spent a lot of time either on the sofa or the bed and every chair in between, because paracetamol does basically nothing and doctors are reluctant, for good reasons, to use or prescribe other painkillers. Today though, I excelled myself. Even though I know I haven't taken paracetamol or anything to reduce the pain, and I know I'm feeling it because moving around is still a struggle, it's like I went into either ADHD sorting hyper focus mode or pregnancy nesting mode and I don't know which. 

You may be thinking, is it important? Well, no, it's not, because as long as I use it, stuff is getting done so why question where it came from? But also, yes, it's important, because if it's just an ADHD thing, it's just an ADHD thing, but if it's a pregnancy thing, it's progress in the pregnancy, another symptom and another step towards the point when my son arrives. Maybe it's because of the pain, maybe it's because I've always been impatient, or maybe it's my slight obsession with the idea that certain birthdays in December kind of suck because they're too close to Christmas for you to have a birthday party when you're still a kid, but anything that looks like progress makes me really excited and really happy, because I do just want him here and I just want a cuddle, and to some extent I want my body to feel like my own again. Whether it is or isn't nesting really changes nothing, but if I knew it was nesting that would be encouraging, mentally, and I feel like neurotypical people can't understand the confusion between the two things as well having not experienced it. Generally, of course.

What I do understand of it though is the nesting is going to look different at the moment anyway, because there is still so much unorganised STUFF all over our house. What sort of stuff? All sorts. There are boxes, there are crates, there are bags, there is furniture, because I can only do so much and my partner has been working some pretty long hours. Although his friends have been a delightful support, there is still quite a bit to be done, but then there always is when you move house, and moving house at 30 something weeks pregnant isn't exactly ideal. So nesting is going to feel more like organising, unpacking boxes and all that jazz, rather than bleaching the skirting boards, because your house is already clean, but you're feeling the urge to make it MORE clean.

I keep having to remind myself that making a house a home is very much like trying to be happy. It's not a singular point in time or a destination, it's very much a process and a journey, appreciating the things that make it happen and trying to not hold on too tightly to the things that get in the way.

Do You Love Your Body?,

This is going to be one of those blog posts I write with no idea of whether I'm going to post it or not, because it's a bit of a touchy subject for me and I'm not a hundred percent sure that I'm comfortable writing about it for myself, let alone posting it on an open forum, but if you never try you never know. God, I hate quoting Coldplay!!

At the moment I am VERY pregnant and there are times where I genuinely appreciate that through no fault or intention of myself and my partner, all of the mirrors in the house are high up, face level sort of mirrors, and so I have spent the last few weeks we have lived in the new house not having to look in a full length mirror at all. There are times when I think I should more often, or have taken more pictures showing the bump's growth, but processing the size and shape of my body has been something I have struggled with in this pregnancy, though not as much as I ever thought I might have. 

Over the past decade, well, just a bit more than a decade, my size has crept up from starting uni around a size 6 to 8, to pre-pregnancy being a size 14 to 16. I realise that that is a natural thing with "getting older", a bit of COVID thrown in for good measure because I was not as active during that, and a myriad of things in between which have contributed, including my love of sweets. Mostly, I haven't minded too much, other than carting around clothes that I still love and occasionally try and convince myself I will one day get back into (I won't) and I can't bare to part with. Thankfully before the house move, partly due to the realities of moving two houses into one, and being pregnant and Vinted being relatively easy to use, I started getting rid of a bit of the clothing clutter in my life, sending some things to the charity shop and selling others, but generally trying to come to a more ordered and sensible wardrobe. It's still a process and likely will be another significant process when I see what fits my no longer pregnant body, but that's another matter. 

I had to think about what size clothing I wear this morning (the morning of when I'm writing this as opposed to the morning of when I'm posting it) and the question popped into my head, likely because I saw myself in a full length mirror whilst I was at the hospital for a growth scan and as it's been a few weeks it was a bit of a confronting moment, do you love your body? Particularly, do you love your body right now? 

(Before anyone panics, because I was 'overweight' in terms of BMI at the beginning of the pregnancy, I'm having growth scans as a precaution, not because of anything nefarious or concerning. The midwife who booked them described it as 'ladies who have a bit of extra padding like us', I loved her, they can't get an accurate measurement from measuring your belly, so growth scans are done to make sure that baby is gaining weight like they should, and to some extent, not getting too big!) 

So, do I love my body right now? Yes, absolutely, but also no, not really. Were I this size and shape at any other time in my life than growing a baby, well, firstly I would be quite concerned, because it's a strange shape for me, but also I don't think I would be particularly comfortable with it; I'm not particularly comfortable now as it happens!! My muscles ache, I waddle when I try to walk and the bottom of my belly hurts, which I think is partly because little man has "dropped" and I'm "carrying low" whatever that means... (Don't worry, I know what it means, I just don't particularly engage with the language.) The strange this is that I'm pretty much exactly the same weight as I was before I was pregnant, despite the fact I'm toting around an extra organ (placenta), amniotic fluid, extra blood, an increased in size uterus, bigger breasts and a whole baby who is not small!! I've mentioned before that parts of this pregnancy have been difficult, and a lot of it has been to do with nausea and vomiting, which has effectively meant that even though I was told not to and I tried not to, I've lost weight by being pregnant. Thankfully, the consultants keep assuring me that it's not a problem and the baby is still healthy and happy. Even though I know that to be true, I still struggle with the size that my body is, partly because of the aches, partly because of the things I can't do being this size and partly because every time I try to get into the spare room in the house and I have to think about how to get my bump past the boxes to get in there and do some sorting. I feel significantly larger than I actually am and that's something I really struggle with. 

But, and when I forget this my partner does a beautiful job of reminding me, this is temporary, whilst I'm growing our family. This is temporary, because my body is currently putting together and keeping safe our son. All the stretch marks and flattening of my belly button - no idea why this one freaks me out the way it does - are just evidence - along with the bump of course - that he's there and he's growing. Although it's frustrating that the maternity jeans I bought at the beginning of my pregnancy are supremely uncomfortable now - the way that the bump has dropped mean that they're too tight around the bottom of the bump which is already uncomfortable - and I've had to order a few pairs of leggings from Amazon just so I have something "decent" to wear, as opposed to the indent PJ shorts that were the only thing that fit me for a spell, I can't help but love the function of my body in the way that it's changing my life at the moment. I know there are other ways to build a family, but even when it hurts because the way he's stretching makes me feel like I'm going to pop, or him kicking my ribs makes me lose my breath from shock rather than awe, this little person is going to be a part of me and a part of my partner and he's been there with me for months. 

I asked someone to get a photo of myself and my partner at the Women's World Cup Final, because I want to be able to tell the little guy that he was there when we won. He had the worst seat in the house because he couldn't see anything, but he was there, and when I was screaming for Ellie Kildunne he was kicking like crazy. (I really do hope he liked rugby.) He was with us when we went to see Bruce Springsteen, but from all of the estimates I don't think he could hear then, but he could when we went to see Imagine Dragons and when we went to see The Summer Set. He and I missed Feeder, because I couldn't stand up for long enough and there were no accessibility tickets available, but there is so much that he has been there through, he just didn't know it yet, and that's because he's in there, and that makes me love this body and this journey, because even though I know we'll spend the rest of his life getting to know him and getting to love him, it does feel like we do that already.

It's hard, in a way, because part of my self image, even when I was getting bigger, was still that idea of younger me when I was a skinny teenager, before my hips filled out and before I had particularly had noticeable breasts, so it can feel alarming and confronting, but in a world where a lot of people and a lot of businesses are accused of being fat phobic I should point out that being small wasn't easy and it was something I was bullied for, and it was something that people often felt the need to comment on in really unhelpful ways, and it caused a large amount of physical effects that impacted my health as well.

I know this is a common area of struggle for people in pregnancy and postpartum, and given that your belly button can be distorted, your stretch marks are unlikely to go anywhere really, your belly can be pudgier or saggy, your boobs are affected even if you don't breastfeed, and if you do breastfeed then your body reacts differently to that in order to have fat stores for your milk. It's not an easy transition to go through at all, and there are times when it feels awful, and there are times when it feels joyous and there are times when it doesn't feel particularly positive or negative. 

So do I love my body? Yes. And a bit no. 

Something I Didn't Know,

Okay, I realise this blog has become a big of a pregnancy obsessed space at the moment and for that I slightly apologise, and the reason it's only slight is because it's the biggest thing in my life right now, and I have always processed things with writing, so I think it's pretty natural for this space to become somewhere that I think about, talk about, write about, the many issues surrounding pregnancy, even when I'm not a hundred percent comfortable discussing all of the details of my specific pregnancy. The below may be TMI for some of you, though.

Before getting pregnant, I knew there was a period of time after birth where it's recommended that you refrain from having sex. I think most women know this one, and whether men are just never told or never taught until the last possible moment I'm not sure, because there are far too many stories of it coming as a shock, or something which they alone need to endure.

What I didn't know is that this applies whichever way you gave birth - I honestly thought it was more to do with vaginal trauma than anything so I thought a C-section would be different - and it's got nothing to do with the trauma of the birth itself. I've been following a few different midwives, postpartum care specialists etc and one of them did a video where she talked about why this is the case and explained about the detaching of the placenta leaving a dinner plate sized wound that takes approximately six weeks to heal. I'm not going to lie, after watching that video I felt really stupid, because it seems obvious now, but I don't think I had acknowledged the size of this extra organ that the body grows or that it doesn't just fall out cleanly and leave what's underneath perfectly fine. Obviously there is a wound. Obviously it's something significant. 

What also shocked me was that during that period (literally) where you are still lose blood and blood clots etc and you most likely just want to go back to your old reliable period products, depending on what you use, that might now be possible or advisable. The instruction isn't 'don't have sex' it's don't put anything in there for six weeks. No tampons, no moon cups, no toys or anything else like that, because it creates an infection risk in that large internal wound. 

I've mentioned before about our intention to use reusable nappies as opposed to disposable ones, because it just fits better with my views (hate plastic, hate waste) but the question surrounding that postpartum period for me becomes a lot more complicated, particularly because I'm going to be primarily focused on caring for the little man, getting into a feeding routine and also adjusting to having a lot more washing to do in a week... Also, wearing things like period pants is complicated by the fact that my bump is sore at the moment, but it's likely to be more sore as everything tries to shift back to it's normal position and normal sizes and shapes, so just because something fit me before I was pregnant and worked for me then doesn't mean it's going to work for me post baby. I've never been a reusable pads sort of person - honestly I couldn't get my head around changing them and having to keep the dirty one in my bag, partly because women's clothes are crap for pockets and I feel like walking into the ladies room at work with your bag screams "I'm menstruating" in a way that I just don't want to, thanks - so I don't even know what type I would have used pre-baby, but even if I did, the likelihood that they would be able to keep up with everything in those first postpartum weeks is... questionable.

This has also become a thing I've been thinking about because although I've been to a birthing class and they have explained that the cinematic gush of amniotic fluid is so unlikely, I am somewhat terrified of making a mess when I go into labour. One of the reasons I've never been fond of the idea of a home birth is because I've never been inclined to want to clean up the mess or have family or my partner have to do it, but even the idea of my waters breaking, particularly if I'm asleep, makes me feel pretty anxious, but I don't really know what the right answer is. If I had to go into the hospital for something like a membrane sweep then it would be somewhat obvious that post that, we'd be expecting something to happen, but other than that, it's a long time where the baby may or may not decide tonight is the night or today is the day, and given how exhausted I have been I'm spending most of my time either in bed or on the sofa, so it's reasonable to expect one of them is going to take the hit... 

I've said a few times during this pregnancy - actually, no, it's been many, many times - there is no dignity in pregnancy and I feel like this is another area where I want to say the same thing. At some stage, I'm going to spring a leak and there's nothing I can do about it, no way to predict it, and trying to 'be prepared' for it at all times makes me feel like I'm treating myself like a giant toddler, but if feeling like a giant toddler helps me reduce the anxiety of the mess it could all create then I think I just need to learn to accept that and move on. 

What makes you want to keep writing?,

After everything that happened with NaNoWriMo, the original, there have been a few of us who have been pretty vocal about the impact it has had on both our mental health and also our ability or motivation to write. Personally I have really struggled with motivation to keep writing, because it all felt a little too emotional. Some things over the last few months have made it a lot easier, but writing novels has remained at least a little challenging. I've struggled with the sharing of blog posts even when I have been able to write them, but I am trying to get past that, and there is a big reason for that.

One of the biggest fears I have now, one of the biggest fears I think most parents have, is not being there for my boy. It may be partly because of all of the stories we have from my grandparents that are only half remembered, and the fact we can't just go back and ask them now. The little details like who people in photographs they left us are, the stories behind hierlooms like the Austrian hat with all the pin badges, or even just things like what was my great grandpa actually like. I know little things, like he had a false leg because he was shot in World War One, but I can't remember if she said he was funny or he was musical. I know he could darn his own socks... or actually that might have been my grandpa because he was in the Navy during the Second World War... 

There are so many more ways now to record the stories we want to pass on to our children, and whilst I'm sure there will be things on this blog that my child or children might not be interested in, or there might be things that make them think certain things about me, as well as it not containing a lot of things like how I met their dad, how we became the couple that we became, how we found our house and everything that happened as we waited to move... there's a lot that's not in here, but there is a lot that is here and it's a side of me that I would like them to be able to see one day, even if it's solely as a reminder that I haven't always been Mum. 

Don't get me wrong, I am a big believer in that parents are whole people who need time to be more than just Mum or Dad or whatever name they go by. Parents need time to be a couple (if they are in a couple) as well as be themselves, and have their interests and their passions outside of just being parents. Being parents is important, of course, and being there for your child or children, but I think there is something problematic in losing yourself completely in your children, partly because it's what then contributes to empty nest syndrome when they have grown up and are doing their own thing, because then it becomes a thing of trying to build yourself a whole new life, with new hobbies and new friends and new passions. Reddit is full of horror stories of when parents are too wrapped up in their kids, and the sort of parents that resent when their kids becomes their own person and has their own life and later their own family. I fully intend to keep writing, maybe get back into running and parkrun, and stay in Scouting, but I'm also aware of the fact that these are things my son most likely will want to get involved in (or at least the last two) so it'll be less of a me thing and more of a we thing...

I guess the important bit for me is that my son would get the chance to read things I wrote, if he wanted to, and that's one of the things that keeps me writing, because even though we are starting a new chapter by becoming parents, it's all part of the stories that we have both been writing all of our lives, and this is the best window into mine. And I'm sure I'll find another way to make sure he has the stories about me and his dad, even if I have to hand write them in a book or something ridiculous like that... 

What Do You Not Know?

 Firstly, I've not written here much because the idea of writing about my pregnancy wasn't something I felt greatly comfortable with, and I would say that sharing my thoughts and feelings online has been becoming more and more uncomfortable for a while. For a while I think I've focused on writing about writing because it's something I can keep at least half a step away from myself, even though it's common knowledge that people very often poor their hearts into their writing.

I'm not really ready to talk about all of the other things which have been happening in the last few weeks and months, other than to say myself and the bump are doing okay, and the most of the stress that I have been going through has been to do with moving house, not moving house and the general process of buying and selling property which just kind of sucks.

One of the things I have been struggling with though is anxiety, and I think a lot of that is to do with how many things in pregnancy feel like an unknown. I have said a few times, if not a lot of times, that there are so many things I have only found out about pregnancy since being pregnant, and I'm pretty sure that there is a reason for that, and honestly, I think that reason is that if people knew some of it, they might question whether they wanted to get pregnant or have children. I'm not saying in any way that I regret little bump, because I don't, but I do know that I could have been far more mentally prepared for this than I was.

You might think, surely you reach a stage where you now know the things you didn't know, but there is so much uncertainty in a pregnancy that without a really good crystal ball or a time machine, there is no way you can find the answers until it happens.

Like I said, I'm not ready to rehash things from the beginning, so let's just go with the next bit I'm facing: birth. I was advised to go to an antenatal class about birth and I went, but I have been looking into a lot of things by myself, and there are some things I am certain about, like if everything goes well, delayed cord clamping sounds like a good idea because at least then bump is getting the benefit from that, but there is so much uncertainty, too. When will I go into labour? Is the bub going to be early, are they going to be late, or are they going to be one of the few babies that arrive on their due date? Is the baby going to have turned in time? (We actually know the answer to that one already; they have.) Are they going to be a girl or a boy? (We know the answer to this, too, and have been talking about it, but not going to share it online right now.) Are they going to suit the name or names we've been considering? (Some might think this is a weird one because babies look like babies, but that's my opinion, and no I don't have an answer for why some people would look at their child and call them Princess Fifi Trixibelle or Terry or whatever... the point of this post is that I don't have all of the answers.) 

A lot of the time you make decisions based on what you do know or what you think or what you feel, and honestly I think one of the reasons that a (I believe still growing) number of people opt for a C section is because it gives some degree of certainty around a birth. Yes, you have no idea how you're going to feel or react, but you have certainty around a date, generally, or a higher degree of certainty than you would have otherwise, and you can have some certainty around the person that you want with you being with you, because they can plan to be on leave from work etc because you know when it is most likely to happen. (I know, things can still go wrong like beds issues, staffing issues, illnesses which prevent you from having surgery etc, and you can still go into labour earlier than you had planned to...) Personally, I don't think it's something that I want, partly because I know the recovery is brutal and also the risks of things like infection or popping stitches etc just doesn't appeal to say the least.

One of the biggest things though is pain relief and a person's ability to cope with it or without it, but there is also the influence it has on other decisions. In my head I think I would, if it's possible, because there's no guarantee that it would be available, want to be the pool or a bath, because water makes me calmer and generally it is considered to be good at helping to manage pain, but being in the water means no strong drugs and also no epidural, and I'm not sure how well I'll cope with the kind of pain that I will be in. I have no concept of how contractions feel, other than the Braxton Hicks I think I've been having that could just have been strong movements by the bump, so it's difficult to say I absolutely don't want stronger forms of pain relief than gas and air. (Granted, I don't want to say absolutely not to anything, because every decision should be based on what's going on at the time. If the pain is enough that it's making me throw up or think I might throw up, a different kind of pain relief might be the best or only option.)

There are smaller worries that come with it all, like not knowing if you're going to have that cinema trope kind of gush of waters, or it be more like a trickle, and when that's going to happen so you can minimise all of the mess, or at least be carrying spare clothes and a towel if it's going to happen away from home... Worries like, will I have my hospital bag with me? (Just keep it close seems to be the best advice.) Will it have everything I need? (Best advice, it doesn't matter. If you really need something, it can be sourced and if it can't, you really can do without it, or you might just have to.) Have I packed too much? (Probably, but does it matter?) 

Essentially, there are a lot of unknowns and unknowables that make me feel quite stressed out, and one of the difficulties I have had over the last few weeks has been trying to write a 'birth plan' which is more like a list of preferences or suggestions rather than an actual plan, but that feels difficult to write down because how do you write down the uncertainty of I would much prefer not to have to do something or have something done, but if it comes to it and it's necessary (and where is the bar for necessary?) I'll reluctantly accept it. Sadly there are also some parts where I feel like I have too much information and I would have rather been kept somewhat in the dark about it. I know that medical shows like Grey's Anatomy and This Is Going to Hurt are purposely dramatic and they're either made up scenarios or they are hand picked from a bunch of mundane cases because they are interesting and a good storyline, but there are things I know from them that sadly I can't forget. 

I guess the upshot is there is a lot that I don't know and won't know for a while, and worrying about it won't change that, but I can understand why pregnant women worry, because there is so much that either is or feels very much out of our hands, so I can understand why there is so much hype behind dishes or Starbucks drinks that claim to help labour start, because it's the sort of thing that can just help someone feel a bit more in control of things. 

Inequality,

After writing this I realised it was a lot more politically fuelled than I had intended. If that makes you not fancy reading it, that's absolutely fine. Also, if you disagree with me, I respect your right to do that, but this is an expreession of my opinion, not the start of an arguement. As with everything I write, it comes from my own perssonal experiences and I hope you can respect that.

I know that a while ago I promised not to talk about politics, but I kind of see this as an existential thing that permeates into people's every day lives, and therefore it also falls into politics, but is not distinctly political in nature, and that's why I'm going to allow myself to get away with it. It's also going to be mostly jovial in nature, so hopefully that will also rescue me a bit.

Here's a bit of background for you. I am not the sort of person who referrs to myself as a feminist, because I don't like some of the connotations of the word. Feminism has come to represent a wide spectrum of beliefs and I don't think it's right that some people are then seen as cherry picking which parts that they want to believe in. I prefer to say that I am an equalist. I believe that in their intrinsic value as people, men and women SHOULD be seen as equal, but that IS NOT currently the case. I also want to point out that I know that I probably have been influenced in this belief in the fact that I have grown up as a middle class (ish) Western family, and have been afforded many priviledges which others do not have. Now, the reason that I stress that is because it is my belief that it's not my place to steam roller over other cultures, so I'm not necessarily comfortable saying that we should radically overhaul the whole world to believe the same things that we do. 

Now this is a very serious topic that I'm writing about, but the reason I am writing about it is because yesterday really wound me up. Yesterday wound me up because the weather was beautiful when I woke up and so I decided it was time to break out the summer wardrobe and wore a beautiful clay playsuit that I don't think I have actually worn before now, despite having bought it last year. Now this would have been all grand had the weather stayed beautiful and marvellous and wonderful, but this is England; of course, it did not do that.

Not only will men never know the pain of trying to make a visit to the powder room in playsuit, which is basically just deciding you're going to get undressed, "powder your nose" and then redress yourself, they will never know the frustration of going out in a playsuit or a summer dress and then the weather changing and it suddenly being freezing and rainy. Not only are you inappropriately dressed for the weather and almost duty bound to get sick as a result, you look pretty ridiculous, too. 

On a more serious note for women, the fact that a nipple slip was the central focus for articles regarding a female celebrity heroically saving her child and her child's nanny from drowning is not only ludicrous, it's also offensive. If I was trying to save the life of my child, nay, any other human being, I would hope that the exposure of a nipple, or any other body part really, would be quite far down my list of priorities, because the heath and safety of those people (or animals, to be fair) would be the most important thing for me. There seems to be a completely inappropriate blurring of priorities happening in the media here, and it's difficult to accept really. 

Now I understand that for some people, it can seem like equality is something which has already happened in this country and the rest of the west, and there are women supporting this position as well as men, but there is still an intrinsic inequality that we are dealing with that is not just concerned with the pay gap. 

I get stared at when I do my make-up on the tube. I've had men feel that they can tell me that I look beautiful without make-up and I shouldn't wear it, which on the one hand is something I want to say thank you to, because the compliment is nice, but the issue there is why do they feel it's acceptable to comment? If I were wearing it for their approval, I would have put it on at home. I'm doing it on the tube becayse it fills up what is essentially dead time there, and because I want to wear it FOR MYSELF before I get to the place I am going to. I know there are big campaigns on the internet trying to get people to be nicer to each other, but I don't need you to make a decision as to whether I should wear make-up or not.

Similarly, I felt like arse when I was going to the doctors last week, and this guy decided he was going to compliment me on the way I looked. Now I was suffering from a pretty bad virus, and I wouldn't have been out of bed if I hadn't needed a note and antibiotics, so I told him to leave me alone. (By which I mean I croaked at him, because I was in too much pain to actually speak properly). Now you would expect that this man would have understood I was both ill and not interested, but instead of walking away and leaving me alone, he felt the need to follow me and pester as to why I told him to leave me alone when he complimented me. 

I have two objections to this - I am not a peice of art. I don't generally put that much effort in when I leave the house, and the only reason that this was an exception was because there was even less effort than normal I was visiting the doctors for Pete's sake. Point being, I am not there for you to admire/compliment/judge. Whether it is positive or negative, you might have an opinion, but that doesn't mean I want to hear it. The second objection I have is, once I have told you I am not interested in hearing your opinion, walk away. You have no business trying to force me to say thank you for your opinion. 

This is actually getting out quite a bit of my frustration with situations at the moment, so let's get into a little bit of the politics. Not the Junior Doctors contract though; I'm not touching that with a barge pole!!

During the budget, George Osbourne announced that there would be funding made available for schools to keep children in for longer hours. Now there are a lot of issues with this policy, like teachers having to work longer hours and plan more lessons and the fact that this will likely not be reflected in their pay, the fact that this time is supposedly being allocated for sports and arts activities, and also the fact that it is only available for 25% of schools. 

How does this come into equality, I'm sure some of you are asking. One of the big issues we have in trying to provide true equality for women is that there is no way to change our biology. If you want to have children, a woman has to carry that child. This is the same for hetrosexual couples, homosexual couples, single parents, children who are born to their natural families, adopted children, those born from IVF and from surrogacy. There is no way to avoid that a baby begins its life inside the body of a woman. Whilst it is true that there are millions of uncomplicated pregnancies where women are able to continue working into their third trimester, it is also true that you cannot know that you will have an uncomplicated pregnancy until you are into the pregnancy. 

Complications can be as simple (simple, but not insignificant might I add) as pelvic or back pain, or they can be aggrressive morning sickness that lasts throughout the whole nine months, they can be diabetes in pregnancy, they can be as serious as your body simply refusing to adapt to the pregnancy. All of these provide complications for women staying in work before the baby is even born and there is no way to plan for them. You also can't plan for early or late delivery, you can't plan for a complicated delivery, the damage that SVD (Spontaneous Vaginal Delivery for those not working in healthcare) can do to your body or how long it will take you to recover from this or the fatigue which can be associated with delivery. Legally women are required to take 2 weeks away from work following child birth, but you are entitled (in the UK at least) to up to a year of paid leave. 

If as a woman you are then the single or the primary parent to that child, getting back to full time work can be diffcult at best. Yes, the government offeres nursery vouchers to help with the cost of childcare, but before the budget this was only 15 hours. It has now been extended to 30, but full time work is normally considered between 35-40 hours. 30 hours a week free nursery also doesn't mean you are available to work for 30 hours. Even in a best case scenario where the nursery is within the same building or street as your workplace, you can't drop the child off and be at your desk within seconds of each other, so you would only be able to work around 25 hours a week. This doesn't improve much, if at all, when the child starts school because of factoring in travelling times. Children in school longer meands that single and primary parents are able to work longer, potentially even working full time hours. 

Now this might not mean a lot to some people, but it's not just an increase in your pay because you free to work more hours, but it's a reduction in childcare expenses (during term time) and a reduction in need for income support. It's also an increase in your employability. 

Personally I would rather have seen a review of the holidays that children get in school, because like the Victorian school times, the six weeks holidays hail back to the times when children of farmers had to be available to help bring in the harvest and hold no real necessity these days, but it's a start. The problem is that there are a lot of issues in education, and what is being addressed is either not a problem or not what, in my opinion, should be a priority. 

Rant over. Catch you tomorrow.