Ever since having my son, and yes, that still sounds so strange to me when I say it out loud, but also do natural that it's kind of scary, I've been having to prioritise, because it feels like days are shorter now, by virtue of having to spend many hours a day just admiring this beautiful little person I have been involved in creating, but also because the amount of energy I have to do anything is severely diminished. Partly that is parenthood, and partly it's because of recovering from surgery and lack of sleep from an extended period in the hospital. I had thought I would have been feeling better by now, but then we have had a few difficult nights where little man has been distressed and then also a few nights where the times he's been hungry have just been a little off and so it feels like we've spent more time awake than asleep, which doesn't really help the whole recovery thing.
I was partly joking about spending hours admiring his little face (but I'm sure any first time parent will admit it is only partly joking because it's hard not to feel immense love for them, fill your camera roll with hundreds of photos of them doing the most mundane things and just want to keep watching them, as though that will slow down time and they won't grow up too fast in front of your eyes. At the same time though, there are a lot of tasks that you don't need to do before there is a baby in your home that as soon as there is a baby in your home, or in your life, you have to do. It's not just the feed the baby, bath the baby, change the baby's bum and make sure the baby sleeps, but things like disinfecting the bath when you've needed to use that for cleaning up a blow out, cleaning up the changing table (including washing the covers that I don't really know when they became a thing because they make no real sense!!) from when the baby has peed mid change, or washing more pyjamas and muslins and cot sheets thank you can imagine because of the baby spitting up on them. There's bottles to wash and sterilise as well, and unless you want to shell out for a Momcozy bottle washer (which is another applicance to find room for and will set you back a couple of hundred quid - not going to lie, I would pay it, I have been considering it!!) then that's not a two step process, it's a two process job...
Most of the time that sentence is, I should be doing something but I'm far too tired, so you would assume I'm napping or something, but no, I'm wallowing in mum guilt for all the things I haven't been able to get done, or I'm starting jobs and half finishing them, or wanting to scream into the void because I don't know where to start.
It's one of the reasons I've been glad when my mum comes over because she follows the golden rule for visiting someone with a baby: either bring food or do a job for them. Sometimes she does both, and it makes me want to cry happy tears.
Now all of my pre-written blog posts have been posted, I might not be keeping to this schedule of three posts a week, going up consistently on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at midday (UK time) because I have no idea when I'll have time to write and of all the things I need to prioritise, it's not the top of the list, and I'm not getting very far down that list very often at the moment, but I'm still endeavouring to try.
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