I Felt Like Such a Bad Parent,

Maybe this is unique to the messy disorganisation that is ADHD parenting (though I suspect that it's not given that sleep deprivation can cause ADHD like symptoms) but there have been a couple of occasions where I have felt like a terrible parent because something that should have been in the nappy bag just wasn't there.

There have been two occasions where we've walked out of the house without baby bottles. We had the baby milk, but just no feeding bottles, and both times the reaction was just to go and buy new ones, because it was the simplest solve (and yes, I know there is an inherent privilege in being able to afford to do that, as well as sheer luck that our son accepts a bottle that is widely available) but the most recent one was worse.

We went through the routine of kid gets grumpy, kid needs changing, take old nappy off after finding a towel, because relatives don't have changing tables (not saying they should by the way) only to find that the stack of nappies we keep in the changing bag wasn't there and there were, in fact, none. First reaction - do family still have any of the overnight pants of the toddler? No, but we might have swim pants? Cool. Whatever will do just to make sure the car seat doesn't get soaked in pee on the way home. Except they weren't there either...

Eventually the answer was the same - go out, buy more, bring them back, no stress, or no more stress at least - except that Tesco had run out of the right size ones in a brand we've used before, and out of all the right sized ones in fact, so instead, to Lidl! We've never used the Lidl nappies before and I'm not sure I would again. It's not like they leaked... I don't think they did anyway... but they feel kind of on the thin side. Yes, okay, they're Eco and hypoallergenic, but I have no confidence in them to hold up to one of Tiny's mega wees, and he does them a lot. He can pee out of nappies that I have a lot more confidence in, so I'm going to stick to what we know works.

One thing I remind myself of though when I triple check the bag for the thing we forgot last time, or when I tether his teething toys to the pram so he can't throw them away never to be seen again is that I'm only human. My partner is only human. We're doing our best and sometimes we get things wrong or we forget things and that is okay, partly because it has to be, we are who we are, and we are both very tired, but also because forgetting a bottle isn't going to break our son, or make him hate us, or be the reason he doesn't do *something* with his life. It's a momentary annoyance, and when it has really, really mattered - like when we were on the allergy milk you can't just pick up anywhere - we were fully on top of it, because there wasn't another option. It was hard, it hurt both of our heads and I'm glad we're back at the stage where if we forget things, we can pop into Boots or Tesco or Asda or wherever and just grab the things we need that we forgot. I am also glad we're at the weaning stage as well though, because little guy being able to eat something other than baby formula makes some things easier, even though it makes other things harder! 

It's Night Time Again,

I'm slightly worried that this might start to sound like a story. It isn't a story. 

It's night time again and this is the hardest part of the day for me. I have anxiety and it has been playing up for the last few weeks, possibly a bit longer. Most times I cope pretty well with it, but right now is not most times. Unfortunately I always struggle more at night time than any other time. 

Now, there are a few reasons why it sucks that I'm worse at night. For one thing, it is really hard to get to sleep and not sleeping actually makes things worse. Another is that most of my friends, my support network, are asleep and they need their sleep. Finally, night time makes it impossible to be productive. During the day you can get in touch with your GP to try and out appointments or you can do other things that are going to help to either give you a bit of respite in the moment, or they are going to be contributing to the overall end goal of making you as resillient and well as you can be again. At night, most of that is not possible. 

Personally, I feel like anxiety eats away at my personality. Without it, or when it's back in the tiny box under the stairs in the corner of my mind, I am a happy, extroverted, extraverted, spontaneous and very silly person. I laugh a lot, at everything, sometimes at nothing. I launch myself headlong into things and enjoy the few moments of being unsure. With anxiety, I become introverted, I become self-conscious, I second guess myself and chastise myself for everything silly that I have said, every moment that I think I could have embarrassed myself. I overthink everything, and can't just relax. 

It's something I have learnt to live with, it's something that I manage most of the time, but occasionally I struggle. It's really difficult, partly because it makes me feel so introverted and so silly, to try and talk about it, but I do because I know that there is no other pathway around it. Sometimes you just need to talk about it.