Having spent a good number of years as an ML (Municipal Liaison for the uninitiated) I know that sometimes during the noveling process, particularly during NaNoWriMo, words fail you and the only thing that can come out is tears and snot and sobs. It happens and it's totally fine. I've been in a situation where I have been the one crying - because my laptop went crazy and corrupted the file of my novel - and I have been the person trying to help the crying person, most often because they have lost either part or all of their novel. I'm not saying it's the only reason people cry during NaNoWriMo because it's definitely not, but it is a big reason. This feels like a good place to say: REMEMBER TO BACK UP YOUR NOVEL.
Even when you hate it, even when you're tired, even when you are in a rush, back it up. I don't care how you do it, whether it's stick it on The Cloud, email it to yourself, save it on a floppy disk (kids, look it up) or all of the above, but just do it, because you will klick yourself if you don't and something happens. It's a good way to avoid a mid month meltdown when you walk around thinking all these hours of writing, WASTED.
But anyway, moving on, if the worst should happen, or anything really that makes you cry, most of the writing groups I have ever been to as a WriMo (Writer of NaNoWriMo...) are fully of the quirky weird and wonderful people who care about others instantly because this is our bandwagon, this is our boat and we're all in it together, so shuffle up and make room, if you start crying, we're going to understand. Maybe not everyone, but there will be a lot of us who understand. Crying is just frustration trying to leave the body. Like swearing, but somewhat more socially acceptable, depending who and where you are.
Whilst I fully intend not to be the victim of a novel murdering laptop this year, I know there are going to be times during NaNoWriMo that I need to just have a quiet sob in a corner and that's because there are a few projects I'm planning to work on during November which make me very emotional. Now, whether I choose to do those whilst out of the house (yeah, I might actually go to a physical write in this year that's not the All Night Lock In, how strange!!) or whether I decide to hide in my hovel and get on with them is still up for debate because I live somewhere different to where I did the last time I went to a write in, so the people at this one don't know me, and I don't know a lot of them, and the idea of having a minor emotional breakdown in front of them does fill me with something that feels like sinking dread, but I also know that it shouldn't, because we all get at least a little bit emotionally invested in our novels.
If your own novel is making you cry and not just because it has vanished into the lines of computer code and is utterly unrecoverable, it's because there is a whole lot of 'you' going into it, and sometimes that's the best kind of therapy anyone can ask for and sometimes it feels horrible. Sometimes, particularly when you share your work online, or if you know it's going to be published, sharing THAT MUCH of yourself feels like you're left overexposed and honestly, for me it made me feel a bit sick.
In my lifetime, (God why does saying that make me feel like I'm in my mid sixties?) I have self-published two novels. One of them can still be found on Amazon, and the other can't and there's a reason for that. I loved it when I wrote it, and to an extent I love it now, because it was the first novel I ever finished writing. I started it for my very first NaNoWriMo way, way, way, way, way, way, way back when, and I finished it nine months later. I am proud of younger me for failing NaNoWriMo but still seeing that novel through to the end, and I'm really proud of putting myself out there and self-publishing it, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't also proud of having re-read it, thinking, Christ, this is actually kind of trash and pulling it. Fairies was written by someone who had grown a lot by writing that first novel (I'm not mentioning the title of it because it was really bad!) and I'm still supremely proud of that one. Yes, you can tell it was written by a teenager, but there is a reason for that. It was written by a teenager!!
I recently re-read a lot of Fairies and there were points that made me cry. I didn't do it to try and turn on that emotional tap like I do with watching films that make me cry, sometimes, but I did it because I have still been struggling to write a sequel to Fairies, which has had a title for over a decade, but is yet to be much more than that. Every time I write parts of the draft of that novel, I have to stop to have a sob and wipe my eyes. Honestly, it's a good job I can touch type because sometimes, I can't see anything trying to write it, but it's because I love it, too, even if it's little, weird, half formed state that it's in now. Fairies helped to make me who I am because it is still one of the biggest achievements in my life. I think maybe one of the reasons I struggle with Butterflies - the sequel - is because I put too much pressure on it to be like it's older sibling, and I think if it doesn't feel like I'm investing as much of myself into it, maybe I'm doing it wrong. (Which of course, is also total nonsense.)
If any of these blogs seem a little nonsensical, it's worth remembering that getting back into the habit of writing takes some time and I'm really struggling to think in straight lines at the moment because of the struggles I'm having with my mental health issues. Please bear with me (why do I always have to Google if it's bear or bare?) and hopefully normal service will resume, shortly. I'm still going to be weird though. That's engrained at this stage. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment