I was going to say that November started much like any other November, but that would be a total fib.
Every other November I have ever participated in NaNoWriMo has begun with a really bad pizza - because once it's a tradition, it's a tradition, even if it sucks - and either napping or waiting up for midnight to get in those precious words just after midnight so that you start the month right. It used to be a couple of hundred words, but developed into I had to write a thousand words before bed, or I needed to get to first day par (1,667 words) before bed. I have never, and once upon a time had thought I would never, go out on Hallowe'en night, let alone to a concert in another city, before the start of NaNoWriMo, because that sort of thing is craziness. NaNoWriMo is the most important thing for me when it comes to November. It has been since I first found out about NaNo from one of my online writing buddies, Fong.
This year, seeing Fall Out Boy live again, no matter when, no matter where, was the most important. I was praying that they were going to play their cover of We Didn't Start The Fire, but they didn't. I struggled for weeks to get a ticket and then one came up in Birmingham for Hallowe'en night and I just jumped on it. I didn't think of the consequences much before I bought the ticket and when I had bought it I only thought about the fact that if I had a camper van already - it's more of a long term goal than that sadly - I would just hunker down and start NaNo in a different city and drive home when I was happy with my word count. Let's face it, I would have been thinking I was going to basically live in Birmingham for a few days. As it was, the gig was going to finish at about 11 and I was going to drive straight home after getting out of the multi-storey car park, and that would mean I was home by about one. Maybe half one, but probably one.
During the gig I made a few friends as I so often do, and then I then found out a few of them were going to struggle to get home, so I offered to drive them. The result of that was I didn't get the Burger King that I was craving - not really a massive loss, I guess - and I didn't get home until about 4 in the morning. I got in, made a brew and then I don't really remember where I was when I started writing, whether I was sitting on my sofa or if I got straight into bed and started writing, but I did one of the two having skilfully resisted the urge to sit in a motorway service station and write because I was feeling a little lost from myself by not doing.
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It's weird, because I wrote for a few hours, I updated my word count and then I tried to sleep, and I think I was overcaffienated, because I had needed to get home, and that meant motorway driving and it can be so boring that I am tempted to nod off, so I needed proper coffee, but then it meant that I couldn't sleep. When I did eventually sleep, that took another bite of time out of the day. I spent the rest of the day doing what I call fannying around, because I don't even really remember what I was doing, but I wasn't writing and I should have been.
I spent the first couple of days thinking that it was going to get better but I've noticed my word count is plummeting and as a proud member of The Overachievers I'm really struggling to accept that. I'm battling with the idea of, no, not even the idea of but the fact that my ADHD is affecting me far more than it ever has before and it's actually not my NaNoWriMo super power right now, it's the greatest barrier to me actually being able to succeed.
It's not helped by the fact there are some big things going on in NaNoWrimo, and they're not all positive. Areas that have always felt so safe are no longer feeling that way, and a place I have wanted to find a way back into for a while has given me a way back in, but sadly it's not a positive way in, and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by what is happening to an organisation I used to love. It's so hard to love it the same way at the moment and that feeling of detachment is just compounding all of the things I was already struggling with.
I'm still here, I'm still writing and that's not going to stop any time soon, but I'm not going to finish today and it might not even be tomorrow, but it'll happen, and hopefully it will get easier soon.
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