Something I Didn't Know,

Okay, I realise this blog has become a big of a pregnancy obsessed space at the moment and for that I slightly apologise, and the reason it's only slight is because it's the biggest thing in my life right now, and I have always processed things with writing, so I think it's pretty natural for this space to become somewhere that I think about, talk about, write about, the many issues surrounding pregnancy, even when I'm not a hundred percent comfortable discussing all of the details of my specific pregnancy. The below may be TMI for some of you, though.

Before getting pregnant, I knew there was a period of time after birth where it's recommended that you refrain from having sex. I think most women know this one, and whether men are just never told or never taught until the last possible moment I'm not sure, because there are far too many stories of it coming as a shock, or something which they alone need to endure.

What I didn't know is that this applies whichever way you gave birth - I honestly thought it was more to do with vaginal trauma than anything so I thought a C-section would be different - and it's got nothing to do with the trauma of the birth itself. I've been following a few different midwives, postpartum care specialists etc and one of them did a video where she talked about why this is the case and explained about the detaching of the placenta leaving a dinner plate sized wound that takes approximately six weeks to heal. I'm not going to lie, after watching that video I felt really stupid, because it seems obvious now, but I don't think I had acknowledged the size of this extra organ that the body grows or that it doesn't just fall out cleanly and leave what's underneath perfectly fine. Obviously there is a wound. Obviously it's something significant. 

What also shocked me was that during that period (literally) where you are still lose blood and blood clots etc and you most likely just want to go back to your old reliable period products, depending on what you use, that might now be possible or advisable. The instruction isn't 'don't have sex' it's don't put anything in there for six weeks. No tampons, no moon cups, no toys or anything else like that, because it creates an infection risk in that large internal wound. 

I've mentioned before about our intention to use reusable nappies as opposed to disposable ones, because it just fits better with my views (hate plastic, hate waste) but the question surrounding that postpartum period for me becomes a lot more complicated, particularly because I'm going to be primarily focused on caring for the little man, getting into a feeding routine and also adjusting to having a lot more washing to do in a week... Also, wearing things like period pants is complicated by the fact that my bump is sore at the moment, but it's likely to be more sore as everything tries to shift back to it's normal position and normal sizes and shapes, so just because something fit me before I was pregnant and worked for me then doesn't mean it's going to work for me post baby. I've never been a reusable pads sort of person - honestly I couldn't get my head around changing them and having to keep the dirty one in my bag, partly because women's clothes are crap for pockets and I feel like walking into the ladies room at work with your bag screams "I'm menstruating" in a way that I just don't want to, thanks - so I don't even know what type I would have used pre-baby, but even if I did, the likelihood that they would be able to keep up with everything in those first postpartum weeks is... questionable.

This has also become a thing I've been thinking about because although I've been to a birthing class and they have explained that the cinematic gush of amniotic fluid is so unlikely, I am somewhat terrified of making a mess when I go into labour. One of the reasons I've never been fond of the idea of a home birth is because I've never been inclined to want to clean up the mess or have family or my partner have to do it, but even the idea of my waters breaking, particularly if I'm asleep, makes me feel pretty anxious, but I don't really know what the right answer is. If I had to go into the hospital for something like a membrane sweep then it would be somewhat obvious that post that, we'd be expecting something to happen, but other than that, it's a long time where the baby may or may not decide tonight is the night or today is the day, and given how exhausted I have been I'm spending most of my time either in bed or on the sofa, so it's reasonable to expect one of them is going to take the hit... 

I've said a few times during this pregnancy - actually, no, it's been many, many times - there is no dignity in pregnancy and I feel like this is another area where I want to say the same thing. At some stage, I'm going to spring a leak and there's nothing I can do about it, no way to predict it, and trying to 'be prepared' for it at all times makes me feel like I'm treating myself like a giant toddler, but if feeling like a giant toddler helps me reduce the anxiety of the mess it could all create then I think I just need to learn to accept that and move on. 

What Do You Plan To Do?,

I've genuinely seen a couple of articles recently and had a few different feelings about them, but they're talking about what to do when you're on Maternity Leave and honestly, I don't know whether people are being serious when they write stuff like this. 

Whilst I know they're probably written with the best of intentions, particularly when they talk about attending antenatal classes before you have the baby and going to baby classes when the baby arrives because a common condition of maternity leave is mothers feeling incredibly lonely, and obviously that isn't great, but then these articles go on to talk about things like side hustles, and that's where I start tearing my hair out.

Now I know that there are a lot of conversations happening at the moment around statutory pay, the costs of raising a newborn and also paternity leave entitlement, so when people are talking about a side hustle it's understandable as to why they might want to earn extra money, or why they might need to earn some money, or want to start a business which means that a parent can stay at home with the baby and reduce the amount they need to pay out in nursery fees, but there can be pressure sometimes to do something productive, meaningful or income generating at a time when the priority should be healing and looking after the baby. Maternity leave and shared parental leave is the time to be getting used to the new normal of life with a little person in it, or an extra little person than you had before, so why do we need to have a plan for doing more?

At the moment, one of my biggest plans is to get used to the routine of using washable nappies, getting them and the wet bags we're going to be using for nursery washed up, dried and ready to go again. I'm planning on getting into the routine that nursery will be so it's not as much of as shock to either me or the little guy when he goes, and I'm planning on getting out for a walk every day, or as close to every day as I can, partly because of the whole thing of 'exercise is good for you' but also because having only just moved here, I don't know the area as well as I might want to and because I'm directionally challenged it's the best way of me understanding where things are.

I've seen other people manage to pick up new skills when they're on Maternity leave, but I've seen others start to do that and be posting it on social media, then give up, and that's completely valid. To me it goes back to COVID and lockdown: some people were learning to bake sourdough, and some people were just struggling to keep their heads together. All babies are different, and they go through so much rapid change in the first six to twelve months, so whilst you might have a super sleepy baby who feeds really well in the first few weeks or months, that can change so quickly. Maybe it's sentimental and comes from a position of being privileged enough to take a decent amount of time off with my son, but given how quickly they change and how quickly they grow, I can also understand parents that want to spend all of their leave spending time with their child and just soaking in every moment with their little one and anything more than that is a bonus. 

What makes you want to keep writing?,

After everything that happened with NaNoWriMo, the original, there have been a few of us who have been pretty vocal about the impact it has had on both our mental health and also our ability or motivation to write. Personally I have really struggled with motivation to keep writing, because it all felt a little too emotional. Some things over the last few months have made it a lot easier, but writing novels has remained at least a little challenging. I've struggled with the sharing of blog posts even when I have been able to write them, but I am trying to get past that, and there is a big reason for that.

One of the biggest fears I have now, one of the biggest fears I think most parents have, is not being there for my boy. It may be partly because of all of the stories we have from my grandparents that are only half remembered, and the fact we can't just go back and ask them now. The little details like who people in photographs they left us are, the stories behind hierlooms like the Austrian hat with all the pin badges, or even just things like what was my great grandpa actually like. I know little things, like he had a false leg because he was shot in World War One, but I can't remember if she said he was funny or he was musical. I know he could darn his own socks... or actually that might have been my grandpa because he was in the Navy during the Second World War... 

There are so many more ways now to record the stories we want to pass on to our children, and whilst I'm sure there will be things on this blog that my child or children might not be interested in, or there might be things that make them think certain things about me, as well as it not containing a lot of things like how I met their dad, how we became the couple that we became, how we found our house and everything that happened as we waited to move... there's a lot that's not in here, but there is a lot that is here and it's a side of me that I would like them to be able to see one day, even if it's solely as a reminder that I haven't always been Mum. 

Don't get me wrong, I am a big believer in that parents are whole people who need time to be more than just Mum or Dad or whatever name they go by. Parents need time to be a couple (if they are in a couple) as well as be themselves, and have their interests and their passions outside of just being parents. Being parents is important, of course, and being there for your child or children, but I think there is something problematic in losing yourself completely in your children, partly because it's what then contributes to empty nest syndrome when they have grown up and are doing their own thing, because then it becomes a thing of trying to build yourself a whole new life, with new hobbies and new friends and new passions. Reddit is full of horror stories of when parents are too wrapped up in their kids, and the sort of parents that resent when their kids becomes their own person and has their own life and later their own family. I fully intend to keep writing, maybe get back into running and parkrun, and stay in Scouting, but I'm also aware of the fact that these are things my son most likely will want to get involved in (or at least the last two) so it'll be less of a me thing and more of a we thing...

I guess the important bit for me is that my son would get the chance to read things I wrote, if he wanted to, and that's one of the things that keeps me writing, because even though we are starting a new chapter by becoming parents, it's all part of the stories that we have both been writing all of our lives, and this is the best window into mine. And I'm sure I'll find another way to make sure he has the stories about me and his dad, even if I have to hand write them in a book or something ridiculous like that... 

How To Say This (Part Two),

 Back in July I posted that my partner and I are expecting a baby, and after that I went a bit quiet. I posted a few days ago that there were things that I was finding difficult and I wasn't ready to talk about it, but this blog is to share a little bit more about what has been going on. 

So first things first, morning sickness was awful and to some extend still is awful. It's no longer as constant as it was, but it is still difficult to manage, I still need to take medication for it occasionally and it's still horrible when it happens. With it comes exhaustion, because I was throwing up what I had eaten, everything I would typically eat made me feel sick or I just had an aversion to food because I felt like everything was going to make feel sick and I just wanted to not feel sick. There was a point where the only thing I could reliably consume was slushies and Quorn Chicken nuggets.

Everyone told me that once I got to a certain point (and this point changed so many times depending who I was speaking to and when) morning sickness would stop, and I think it stopped for about three or four weeks before it decided to come back, but I think that was partly the stress of trying to move when I could see the countdown to the baby coming was ticking away super quickly.

At twenty weeks we went for another scan and everything was all good, and that's when we were told we were having a little boy. We were both happy, but we had also discussed it and we were going to be happy as long as they had ten fingers, ten toes and weren't born in Burnley. To be fair, we could have got over missing fingers or missing toes... (It's a joke; my partner's from Blackburn. It's a thing.)

I'm not good with timelines because of the ADHD, but some time after the morning sickness paused and then came back I started struggling with pains from the growing bump that were later confirmed as pelvic girdle pain, so getting around has been pretty painful and I have to plan what I'm doing over the course of a week to make sure I have the energy and ability to get through all of the plans. Yes, I've been to physio, yes, I've tried resting, yes, I have a support belt, and no, none of these things have made it completely better. I'm managing, but that takes planning.

Recently I've been struggling more with anxiety and symptoms of ADHD, likely because of the amount of time I was off of ADHD meds. There is a lack of consensus between different areas of care in maternity, ADHD care and perinatal mental health care as to whether certain meds are safe and also whether it's better to have a certain level of risk to ensure the mother is doing okay. Thankfully everyone seems a bit better aligned for me at the moment, but it took a lot of time, a lot of appointments and a lot of messing about to get here, and there was a lot of other things going on at the same time that complicated matters. 

Since we did this last time. A boy! Yay! Do you know what you're going to name him?

We've got a good idea, yes, but it's something we don't want to share until we've met him. We're still debating over a middle name, but both agree he should have one, but I think we're pretty set on his first name. He already has a couple of nicknames too, one of which is just Little Man. I call him that a lot when I'm talking to him.

*Insert name here* is a good name...

I feel like this is what 90% of my male friends have said to me, and not only does it get old, I really don't know why my male friends think I'm going to name my son after them... People have made a lot of suggestions, and I'm sure we'll come to something that we like and that other people disagree with, but it will be our decision. 

When's your due date?

Late December and that's as specific as I'm being on the Internet, partly because babies are considered to be full term at 37 weeks, due dates are 40 weeks but first babies are known to go over and can be up to 2 weeks late, so there's a long stretch of time when he could arrive, even if he goes to term. 

Ooooh, Christmas Baby!! 

Yes, he's probably going to be born very close to Christmas and Christmas Day and Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are all in the mix for when he might arrive. Is it what I would choose? No. I think birthdays that are too close to Christmas are a bit disappointing because they get overshadowed, but we'll see what happens.

Have you looked at nurseries yet?

Urgh, this one is so depressing, but yes, I have. It felt strange to be booking him in at a nursery when he's not even here yet, but at the same time we knew where we wanted him to be going, so we had to get a move on getting him booked in. I'm really thankful for the additional provision that's been brought in, but it has meant that "competition" (I hate calling it that, but it's what it gets referred to as...) for places is ridiculous, so booking him in early was necessary. 

Oh, you're carrying *big *small *high *low etc.

Comments on my body have tended to be things like "oh, you're blooming" and I can't help but say something like "yeah, blooming huge..." but there have been a number of people who have told me I'm carrying in a certain way, and mostly they didn't even know me before I was pregnant, or previously in my pregnancy, so I really want to ask how they know or why they need to say anything about it. Honestly, the weather getting colder has been something of a blessing because I can just wear big hoodies and hide my body shape a bit/a lot.

Congratulations, You've Been Influenced,

I wrote in my last blog that there is a lot that I don' t know in this pregnancy, and I think it's somewhat obvious that it's been causing me a bit of anxiety and a bit of stress, but it's not just about all of the physical changes and everything that happens when labour turns a bump from a baby. One of the biggest influences in mental health, particularly poor mental health is social media. Whilst it can be a great source of information, and it has been great for me for being able to learn things about labour and post-partum that I didn't know before, it's also true to say that there are a lot of things out there that, whether they are made to do this purposely or not, there is so much content on the internet that promotes anxiety or the feeling of people not being good enough and I think this is amplified for parents. This might just be a situational thing because becoming a parent is both what is on my mind and on all of my feeds, but there is so much about everything you should be doing for you baby and their development, even before they have arrived and it's like there is a desire to instil Mum Guilt early.

Before I got pregnant I had read up about a Snoo, and it's the one thing that I feel like I wasn't "influenced" into feeling a certain way about. I read a lot of reviews about it, watched videos about what it is and how it works and why it works, and it's something that only appeared on my socials feeds very recently; months after we bought it. There are other things like nappies where I've relied on the advice of friends who are parents, but there has been a lot where we've had to make decisions despite feeling like we're in information overload with conflicting information that really amounts to nothing more than just people's opinions on products. There are so many things on the market and so many opinions about them, and whilst I understand that people parent in different ways and parenting fits into people's lifestyles in different ways I've always felt like there needs to be a 'right' answer for things, and that is really not the case with things like this. Some people swear by the Tommy Tippee nappy bin with the cassettes of bin liners in it, and other people say that they all smell so you might as well save yourself some money and just buy a cheap bin and scented liners. There are some people who think wipe warmers are vital, so the shock of a cold wipe doesn't startle their poor baby, but then there are others that roll their eyes at the mere mention of them, and other people still that suggest using a cold wipe to swipe across the baby's tummy before a nappy change to make sure that if they were holding in a pee, they do it before you change them to save that experience of them wetting a fresh on nappy and needing to start the whole process all over again. There are some who create a whole nursery, and others who suggest that changing tables are just not worth the money that you spend on them. 

I was ready for the idea that mothers were split into the camps of breast is best and fed is best, as in some people are evangelical about breast feeding and think that even when there are struggles, difficulties and such like, everyone should try to breastfeed and when it feels impossible, they should keep trying, and others who think the way that a baby is fed is more important, and somehow these two sets of people are pitted against each other. Worse still there are then camps for parents believing in vaccines and then so called anti-vaxxers, and they get pitted against each other, too, and whilst there is a lot of commonality if you plotted the two on a venn diagram then they wouldn't perfectly overlap, and the more things you add in the worse it becomes. It almost feels as though there is a need to split mums and parents into factions, and honestly, that feels scarier than anything. 

It feels like staying out of the debate isn't an option, but it also feels like trying to get information on anything is harder than ever because whilst there is so much out there 'content' wise, there's always a question of ulterior motives. People are either being paid by companies, or given freebies by companies, or they had expectations of one thing and it wasn't met and they want to go scorched earth on a company. People who are already parents will tell you something is brilliant because they're looking to sell their old things on, whilst I understand that, because a lot of these things are really expensive, it makes the task of 'finding the right answer' even more difficult. In the end, it's about making decisions you can live with and making the best decisions that you can.

I bought a pram that I knew was too big for my car, partly because I knew I wanted to change the car anyway, and partly because I wasn't overly convinced by the hype around the only sorts of prams that would fit into my car, let alone the price tags on them. Every time someone tells me that it's too big, too cumbersome, too heavy and I will regret it, I have to remind myself of how much I love it, both the design and the colours and everything. Every time someone tries pushing a different brand of nappies than we decided to go for, I'm trying to just smile, nod and just let it roll off of me. And every time I hear someone complain about types of wipes, types of nappies or types of bath products I try and remind myself that every parent is different and every baby is different. Some of these things are going to come down to generational differences, like how particularly since COVID new parents don't want people that don't live with their babies to kiss them, and don't want strangers to touch their babies whereas my grandparents generation just want to show love to all tiny humans, because it brings them joy. Some will be different priorities, things like disposable nappies being more convenient and reusables are more environmentally friendly, or some people choosing to not have photos of their children on social media and others posting something of a digital record for their child. People are bound to take advice from influencers and podcasts and such like, and unfortunately social media very often shows you content which either reinforces a view you already have, or similar types of posts and videos to what you have seen or engaged with before, but as long as we know it is an echo chamber and we can look for alternative information, it's not too much of a worry, but I guess I still worry about whether I have enough information, or too much, or who to believe, and there is always a temptation to turn my social media profiles off for a while to stop me from looking at them, because honestly, I think more often than not they just make me feel worse, but I probably won't. 

What Do You Not Know?

 Firstly, I've not written here much because the idea of writing about my pregnancy wasn't something I felt greatly comfortable with, and I would say that sharing my thoughts and feelings online has been becoming more and more uncomfortable for a while. For a while I think I've focused on writing about writing because it's something I can keep at least half a step away from myself, even though it's common knowledge that people very often poor their hearts into their writing.

I'm not really ready to talk about all of the other things which have been happening in the last few weeks and months, other than to say myself and the bump are doing okay, and the most of the stress that I have been going through has been to do with moving house, not moving house and the general process of buying and selling property which just kind of sucks.

One of the things I have been struggling with though is anxiety, and I think a lot of that is to do with how many things in pregnancy feel like an unknown. I have said a few times, if not a lot of times, that there are so many things I have only found out about pregnancy since being pregnant, and I'm pretty sure that there is a reason for that, and honestly, I think that reason is that if people knew some of it, they might question whether they wanted to get pregnant or have children. I'm not saying in any way that I regret little bump, because I don't, but I do know that I could have been far more mentally prepared for this than I was.

You might think, surely you reach a stage where you now know the things you didn't know, but there is so much uncertainty in a pregnancy that without a really good crystal ball or a time machine, there is no way you can find the answers until it happens.

Like I said, I'm not ready to rehash things from the beginning, so let's just go with the next bit I'm facing: birth. I was advised to go to an antenatal class about birth and I went, but I have been looking into a lot of things by myself, and there are some things I am certain about, like if everything goes well, delayed cord clamping sounds like a good idea because at least then bump is getting the benefit from that, but there is so much uncertainty, too. When will I go into labour? Is the bub going to be early, are they going to be late, or are they going to be one of the few babies that arrive on their due date? Is the baby going to have turned in time? (We actually know the answer to that one already; they have.) Are they going to be a girl or a boy? (We know the answer to this, too, and have been talking about it, but not going to share it online right now.) Are they going to suit the name or names we've been considering? (Some might think this is a weird one because babies look like babies, but that's my opinion, and no I don't have an answer for why some people would look at their child and call them Princess Fifi Trixibelle or Terry or whatever... the point of this post is that I don't have all of the answers.) 

A lot of the time you make decisions based on what you do know or what you think or what you feel, and honestly I think one of the reasons that a (I believe still growing) number of people opt for a C section is because it gives some degree of certainty around a birth. Yes, you have no idea how you're going to feel or react, but you have certainty around a date, generally, or a higher degree of certainty than you would have otherwise, and you can have some certainty around the person that you want with you being with you, because they can plan to be on leave from work etc because you know when it is most likely to happen. (I know, things can still go wrong like beds issues, staffing issues, illnesses which prevent you from having surgery etc, and you can still go into labour earlier than you had planned to...) Personally, I don't think it's something that I want, partly because I know the recovery is brutal and also the risks of things like infection or popping stitches etc just doesn't appeal to say the least.

One of the biggest things though is pain relief and a person's ability to cope with it or without it, but there is also the influence it has on other decisions. In my head I think I would, if it's possible, because there's no guarantee that it would be available, want to be the pool or a bath, because water makes me calmer and generally it is considered to be good at helping to manage pain, but being in the water means no strong drugs and also no epidural, and I'm not sure how well I'll cope with the kind of pain that I will be in. I have no concept of how contractions feel, other than the Braxton Hicks I think I've been having that could just have been strong movements by the bump, so it's difficult to say I absolutely don't want stronger forms of pain relief than gas and air. (Granted, I don't want to say absolutely not to anything, because every decision should be based on what's going on at the time. If the pain is enough that it's making me throw up or think I might throw up, a different kind of pain relief might be the best or only option.)

There are smaller worries that come with it all, like not knowing if you're going to have that cinema trope kind of gush of waters, or it be more like a trickle, and when that's going to happen so you can minimise all of the mess, or at least be carrying spare clothes and a towel if it's going to happen away from home... Worries like, will I have my hospital bag with me? (Just keep it close seems to be the best advice.) Will it have everything I need? (Best advice, it doesn't matter. If you really need something, it can be sourced and if it can't, you really can do without it, or you might just have to.) Have I packed too much? (Probably, but does it matter?) 

Essentially, there are a lot of unknowns and unknowables that make me feel quite stressed out, and one of the difficulties I have had over the last few weeks has been trying to write a 'birth plan' which is more like a list of preferences or suggestions rather than an actual plan, but that feels difficult to write down because how do you write down the uncertainty of I would much prefer not to have to do something or have something done, but if it comes to it and it's necessary (and where is the bar for necessary?) I'll reluctantly accept it. Sadly there are also some parts where I feel like I have too much information and I would have rather been kept somewhat in the dark about it. I know that medical shows like Grey's Anatomy and This Is Going to Hurt are purposely dramatic and they're either made up scenarios or they are hand picked from a bunch of mundane cases because they are interesting and a good storyline, but there are things I know from them that sadly I can't forget. 

I guess the upshot is there is a lot that I don't know and won't know for a while, and worrying about it won't change that, but I can understand why pregnant women worry, because there is so much that either is or feels very much out of our hands, so I can understand why there is so much hype behind dishes or Starbucks drinks that claim to help labour start, because it's the sort of thing that can just help someone feel a bit more in control of things. 

Enough,

A few weeks ago I started drafting a blog about the phrase 'eating for two'. In the end, I didn't post it because it felt a little bit too much like a word police kind of rant because as a phrase it kind of rubs me up the wrong way. The other thing is that I feel like anything and everything I write is somewhat garbled at the moment because I'm juggling this new normal of baby brain, unmedicated ADHD, apparent lack of sleep and the new one this week of struggling with some form of virus. Anyway, I am endeavouring to post this and hoping it makes some sort of sense.

It's something past midnight as I'm starting to write this and instead of being upstairs, tucked up in my bed trying to catch up on the sleep I have missed out on over the last week because of this virus, I'm sat downstairs at the kitchen table eating a sandwich and pondering a question which centres around 'Am I enough?'

I'm sure that it's something all mothers - maybe even all parents - contend with, but at the moment it's not the focus of, do we have enough nappies for when they first arrive (I think so), do we have enough clothes (nope, nothing like), have we got enough blankets for a winter baby (I'm still knitting one...) but a specific focus of am I eating enough? 

For a lot of weeks I was plagued by aggressive morning sickness that's made me vomit, given me food aversions and made me cry more than once. I've had so much advice over all that time, and some has worked, and some hasn't. One of the midwives told me it was basically a license to eat beige food and the baby would still get everything that they needed, so not to worry, and that helped, others have suggested ginger biscuits and dry crackers, which even the thought of either makes me want to toss my cookies.

As it's been a long time since I've been eating properly (as in portion size) I'm now struggling a little to be able to eat a full plate full, so having to split meals down which is easy enough in the house, but not so easy when I'm out.

Today, despite having been out for a roast dinner, I was trying to figure out if I was hungry as I was getting ready for bed (it's not unusual for me not to be sure, apparently misunderstanding hunger signals can be an ADHD thing) and had to try and track what I had eaten on a calorie counting app to realise I was well short of what I should have eaten. Although I'm overweight (and was before the pregnancy) the midwives have told me a few times that I have lost some weight since I was referred to the maternity services and I shouldn't really do that (READ: REALLY SHOULDN'T DO THAT!) so I really need to try and make sure I'm eating what a 'standard adult' should as well as a bit extra since I'm already in my second trimester. 

So there it is, another thing for me to worry over. Am I eating enough? Am I eating the right things? Is my little human getting everything that they need from me and am I getting everything I need to be ready for when they arrive? Who really knows? All I can do is try my best and hope that's enough, but I guess that's what all parents do, isn't it?

How To Say This,

I've been thinking about how to say this for the last few weeks, if not a bit longer, and I finally decided that this was the best way, because this blog has always been the bit of a keyhole into my life so I guess this is the most appropriate platform... And yet, I still have no words for it.

Okay, so maybe it's a little bit early, because most people wait until they have their anatomy scan, where they can typically find out if their little they (how are people so happy to call a baby it??) is a girl or a boy, you know, if they want to know, but I have been too excited about this for weeks already to not share it. In case you've not cottoned on yet, my partner and I are expecting a baby.

It's so strange because we've known for months (the bare minimum that it takes to be able to use the word months, but months all the same) and have essentially been told to restrict who we talk to about it until we're into the second trimester, and I understand that,  I really do, but I have also wanted to raise a banner and wear a sash to say something like 'precious cargo', 'mama to be' or something similar even though things like that really give me the ick. I've wanted to shout it from the rooftops because the general consensus is that news of a baby is good news and it is news which should be shared.

Sharing this news always comes with a myriad of questions, so here they are and here's the answers, or as much as I am happy to share on a public forum:

When are you due?

Winter/late 2025. 

Do you know what you're having yet?

No, we don't. We've had the 12 week scan, and everything was good as far as we've been told, but at that stage of development, foetuses don't have external genitalia which can indicate the sex of the baby. 

Were you trying?

This is such a weird question. It's so strange that in the context of pregnancy people feel okay to ask about your sex life. 

Were you surprised?

Honestly, yes, because whether you are trying or not, and again, stop asking people that, but the answer doesn't matter in whether you are/were surprised when it happened, because it can be surprise that it's happened at all, surprised at the timing because of the stresses of life and other things happening at the same time, or because you've only just started trying, or you've been trying for ages and nothing was happening or because you weren't trying. 

Are you happy?

Whilst I appreciate that some people might think that if you're sharing the news of a pregnancy then the answer to this question must be a yes, it isn't always. I actually quite like this as a question because it gives you the opportunity to respond with the right sort of energy and support. If someone is shocked or overwhelmed, hyperactive Tigger energy is going to add to their discomfort, but if they're really happy and you're response seems a little deflated, that can be really tough to take as well, and being pregnant can be hard enough as it is. 

Yes, I'm happy. We're both happy. 

Do you have a name picked out yet?

Nope. We've tentatively agreed to defer this until after the next scan so we only have one list of names to bicker over. (I'm mostly kidding), but I think we might also be one of those couples who reserve the right to change their minds when the baby is born because you need to meet the baby before being sure about their name or risk their name just not suiting them. 

Can I touch your bump?

Okay, so no one has asked me this one yet, but someone did touch my stomach (in the wrong place for where the baby is and they are very lucky I was behaving that day) because I don't like to be touched, for one thing, but for another, just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean my body is suddenly under public ownership. Anyone should ask before touching someone who is pregnant, but also, don't ask to touch the bump, wait to be asked. If you're not being asked, it's probably because the person who is pregnant doesn't want to be touched. Maybe I'll feel differently when they start to kick and when those kicks can be felt by someone who is not me, but trying to touch my belly doesn't help my baby bond with you, it makes me want to start breaking fingers... 

I get that I might sound like a grouch with this, but there are already a lot of things where my body doesn't feel like my own in this "process" so adding to that is just not advisable for other people and not acceptable for me.

Have you announced it on Facebook?

No, I haven't, and neither has my partner. It's been a bit of a strange one, because as I said earlier, you're advised not to share it too widely before twelve or thirteen weeks, but an alarming number of people had guessed, and also with the wild amount of nausea I was having, we shared with a few people before that time because they were around us so often that they would have soon figured it out anyway. 

After that we kind of went through a list of people we didn't want to find out via social media, and really, that list was a lot longer than we expected it to be, with more people added to it as we spoke to them. The awesome thing with that has been that 99% of people know it's happy news and have been extremely happy for us, which has been a joy. 

It's not just about the number of people we thought should find out in a different way than a post on social media, but I have struggled to find the words to speak about them sometimes, so trying to figure out what to say on Facebook or similar has been difficult, and I knew before I had the scan that I didn't want to share photos of the scan in any way. To me, that's a part of my medical data and I don't want it to be out there on the internet for potentially anyone to see or access. 

Is it twins?

I got asked this so many times before the scan, and I really needed to stop answering with 'Oh God I hope not' but I was hoping not! I didn't think I would cope with twins and I still don't think I would, but the sonographer told us there is only one, we just don't know their sex, so they're they rather than it. 

Why Would You Want To Keep Them,

 A few days ago the somewhat inevitable news that NaNoWriMo was going to go down was given and honestly, it's been a bit difficult to sort through the feelings that have come up in the wake of that. It's one thing to know that it exists still, but it's not what it was, but it's something else entirely to think of it being gone for good... 

I spoke to friends and we discussed that the grieving process started for a lot of us way back in 2023, for some even longer ago than that, but this has something of a finality to it. Instead of waiting for someone to steer the ship back onto course, we have to accept that it's gone and it likely will never be seen again. When I didn't take part in anything resembling NaNoWriMo in 2024 I expected that it was unlikely I would ever visit my NaNo account again, but today I decided that there was still a reason to go back, and it was better to do it sooner rather than later rather than potentially miss the chance. 

What I wanted to keep was the record of what I had written and when. I wanted to keep the records of things that I had tried, things I had written and the graphs that came with them, because there were some pretty amazing achievements in there.

Granted, I hope the memory of finishing in 5 days and smashing the Staples 'Easy' button, to make it say 'That was easy' in the middle of the cafe in a bookstore (I think it was a Waterstone's) and saying 'no, it f-ing wasn't', or the many crazy memories of the All Night Lock In, whether it was in The Big Green Bookstore or the different Scout sites we used later, or the awesome friends I made through NaNoWriMo, or that trip to San Fransisco... 

But yes, I went back to screen grab some of the good memories, and maybe it was a way for me to say goodbye and accept that it's over. Maybe.