I'm going to be a total hypocrite for a minute here, and I know that. I hate the way mum's get divided, or the whole idea of competition, whether it's between who's child did something first, or the various debates between c-section and vaginal birth, bottle vs breast, pumping and not pumping, cloth and disposable nappies, vaccinating and not vaccinating etc. Actually, that last one is a bit different, but anyway, I hate the way it feels like battle lines are drawn and you have to pick a team in each one and it just seems to make your circle smaller and smaller, or your section of the circles smaller and smaller like it's some Venn diagram. It drives me mad. But...
There are times when I really want to reach out to other ADHD mamas who experienced antenatal anxiety (I think that's the term but I could be wrong - it's not anxiety towards the pregnancy and birth just a heightened anxiety because of the hormones whilst pregnant) and ask them if something is normal, or ask if something is because of the pregnancy or the ADHD. I mean, obviously that's based on the assumption that they would know the answer and there is a high chance that they wouldn't, because whilst we may all have experienced pregnancy differently the one thing we've not experienced is being pregnant without having ADHD. Even if your pregnancy was prior to diagnosis, you still had it when you were going through that and it would still have had an impact.
I've mentioned before that I have been struggling with pain. Apparently having ADHD comes with a little side quest of hypermobility and that generally means a pre-disposition towards Pelvic Girdle Pain, so this condition was a bit like Thanos; it's inevitable. It's also wholly maddening, but apparently that's where we're at.
The pain that I'm in means I've spent a lot of time either on the sofa or the bed and every chair in between, because paracetamol does basically nothing and doctors are reluctant, for good reasons, to use or prescribe other painkillers. Today though, I excelled myself. Even though I know I haven't taken paracetamol or anything to reduce the pain, and I know I'm feeling it because moving around is still a struggle, it's like I went into either ADHD sorting hyper focus mode or pregnancy nesting mode and I don't know which.
You may be thinking, is it important? Well, no, it's not, because as long as I use it, stuff is getting done so why question where it came from? But also, yes, it's important, because if it's just an ADHD thing, it's just an ADHD thing, but if it's a pregnancy thing, it's progress in the pregnancy, another symptom and another step towards the point when my son arrives. Maybe it's because of the pain, maybe it's because I've always been impatient, or maybe it's my slight obsession with the idea that certain birthdays in December kind of suck because they're too close to Christmas for you to have a birthday party when you're still a kid, but anything that looks like progress makes me really excited and really happy, because I do just want him here and I just want a cuddle, and to some extent I want my body to feel like my own again. Whether it is or isn't nesting really changes nothing, but if I knew it was nesting that would be encouraging, mentally, and I feel like neurotypical people can't understand the confusion between the two things as well having not experienced it. Generally, of course.
What I do understand of it though is the nesting is going to look different at the moment anyway, because there is still so much unorganised STUFF all over our house. What sort of stuff? All sorts. There are boxes, there are crates, there are bags, there is furniture, because I can only do so much and my partner has been working some pretty long hours. Although his friends have been a delightful support, there is still quite a bit to be done, but then there always is when you move house, and moving house at 30 something weeks pregnant isn't exactly ideal. So nesting is going to feel more like organising, unpacking boxes and all that jazz, rather than bleaching the skirting boards, because your house is already clean, but you're feeling the urge to make it MORE clean.
I keep having to remind myself that making a house a home is very much like trying to be happy. It's not a singular point in time or a destination, it's very much a process and a journey, appreciating the things that make it happen and trying to not hold on too tightly to the things that get in the way.
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