Do You Know What You're Doing For Christmas?,

I know it's a natural question to ask at this time of year, but seriously, this has been getting on my nerves since November, because I have been saying for months that unless my son has decided to arrive early, but not too early that he's having to spend a long period in the NICU, I'm not doing anything.

I've bounced between being a lover of Christmas and a total Scrooge for years now, so maybe it's not surprising to some people that I am really not up for doing anything, but there are reasons and it's pretty much because the baby is due so close to Christmas that I don't want to plan anything because I can't commit to those plans and I don't want to make plans that I'm pretty certain I will have to break at some point. The simple fact is that if we have the baby a few days or even a week before Christmas then we'll be very much in the newborn trenches which won't be ideal for either having guests or being guests, and if he has not arrived then I don't want to be sat around all day feeling like everyone has me on bump watch to see if I'm going to have contractions and the baby might be arriving on Christmas day or at least starting to make his way out on Christmas day. Even if he didn't then decide to arrive on Christmas day, I know how I feel right now - like an overinflated balloon or a planet with my own gravity, and also very unstable so I keep walking into things and sometimes that is bump first, which really hurts - and the addition of more weeks and a heavier baby will only make that worse. All of the symptoms I am having, the exhaustion, the nausea and the mood swings don't really lend themselves to a Christmas celebration that it feels like everyone is expecting. Even before our scan where we had the updated due date, we were due right around Christmas so I've been saying since spring this year that I wasn't doing anything for Christmas and I meant it.

Christmas just doesn't feel the same to me this year anyway, because I've not really been able to go out to go shopping and find presents for family and friends, partly because of feeling sick all of the time but also because the amount I can walk is limited by the level of pain that I am in. When people have asked me what I want for Christmas, I haven't had a clue, because it's not something I'm thinking about at the moment. The only thing I have been thinking about is what we need for the baby, because so many people have been asking us what we want or what we need. 

The biggest problem with not being able to make plans for ourselves is because our parents have then been reluctant to make plans, particularly my mum who we are planning on taking the dog when we go into hospital, but she also knows she's on call in case I need her for moral support or in case my partner isn't at home when I need driving to the hospital. Granted, on Christmas day or particularly closer to Christmas he'll be off on leave anyway, so that is a bit less of an issue. I think she just doesn't want to plan anything and then have to say she can't help with little man if I need anything and we are in those early newborn days, and I completely get that. She knows I'm going to need some support and he's her first grandbaby so I know she is going to want to be able to spend time with him as well. 

In some ways, I feel kind of bad, because us having a baby seems to be throwing off a lot of the family's Christmas plans, but at the same time, we didn't plan for a Christmas baby and it wasn't something we were particularly aiming at (granted if the choice had been Christmas baby or no baby then it would have been a no brainer and we would have chosen to have a Christmas baby, but it's not like that was what we were trying to achieve from the start) but it's not something we've hidden from everyone or not been completely open about. I can be relatively tactless and blunt when I want or need to be, so I have said it loudly for months that I'm not committing to anything until I know what the baby is doing and as I'm sat here writing this (which is about ten or so actually it's more like fourteen... days ahead of when it will be scheduled to be posted) he doesn't seem to be in a rush to join us in the world outside, so we'll probably just be sat at home waiting for something to happen. Maybe when we get to that stage I will regret having been so against making plans, but it's something we'll only know when we know, and it's not like we can't put something together quickly when it comes to it.

I Could Be Way Off Base Here, But,

It's another long one; sorry... 

Here's another one of those episodic things of post it now whilst it's actually relevant, and strangely enough it's related to one of the previous ones. I am accepting that I am not a doctor, or a scientific researcher or anyone special in the way of learning or teaching about neurodiversity, so I could be wrong about this, but here we go. 

I had a bit of a rant recently in reaction to the way that Streeting announced the enquiry into ND conditions and possible over-diagnosis, particularly in recent years. I would point out again that whilst it didn't say it was particularly in connection with the increased number of women being diagnosed, the timing of this enquiry is awfully suspect, because it comes at a time when the understanding of ADHD, autism and the like in women is developing, becoming better publicised and therefore more women are putting themselves forward for diagnosis. In recent days, the statistics on methods of birth have also been published and there has been judgemental outcry at the results particularly because there is. a stat that is being pulled out as being particularly of note and that is the rate of C-sections is higher than the rate of vaginal births, for the first time, and apparently that really upsets a lot of people. 

Overall, the stats say that over 45% of births were from C-sections and around 44 to 45% from spontaneous vaginal birth. If you can do maths you might be as confused as I was with that, wondering where else or how else you might get them out, but it's because instrumental delivery (forceps or Vantouse) accounts for around 10-11% of births. Now, as headline figures these seem to be useful in seeing the trends of changes in births over the years, but aside from that, unless there is additional data, beside of it, this doesn't tell you a damn thing about WHY the rate of C-section has gone up, but that doesn't make a good story, so you get rags like the Daily Mail that include buzz words and phrases like 'too posh to push' because it riles people up, and what do riled up people of this day and age do? We react, we comment, we share, we add our own remix and commentary or whatever. Unfortunately, some people do this and share the article which is the source of their rage, and whilst I understand the desire to do that, because there is nothing better than sharing your anger at something when there is something to be genuinely angry about, but it is worth pointing out that the writers and editors of the Daily Mail know exactly what they're doing and whilst the mortality of their actions is questionable, sadly they are not stupid; if they were, they wouldn't do what they do so well as to still be in business when print media has been spluttering along with it's death rattle noise for the last two decades or more. (I do know there is an irony in saying this as a blog writer; I really do.) Interacting with posts and articles. produced by the Daily Mail makes them money. You can be as morally correct as you want to be, but even hate reactions on Facebook, comments where you disbarage them, their writers and their readers just adds to the algorythm thinking something is interesting (because it is) and showing it to more people and sharing it puts it in front of more people's eyes which is good for them because of things like advertising. Honestly, I don't know if their writers actually BELIEVE half of what they write, but if it makes you angry, it makes them money. Some people try and get around it by posting a screenshot of the article, and it works better than sharing a link or similar, but sadly it does mean people may search it to go and read additional sections or to interact with it themselves, however positively or negatively, and so even indirectly it can generate them some traffic. For what it's worth, I'm not just ragging on them for what they're saying about mother's whilst I'm literally pregnant with my son; I have a longstanding hatred of the putrid rot that they circulate from when they decided to pass comment about the suicide of a friend of mine, and honestly, I get mad at myself now for how much I let their words hurt me, but there it is.

Are we too posh to push? Who knows? Has anyone done any quality research, or done a deep dive into the data? Is it recorded as a simple 'this is the method by which the baby eventually came out' or is there an action log which records what each patient went through? I'm not saying you have to suffer for your C because there are many women who a C section works better for. There are all sorts of traumas concerning genitals that mean it's better to be booked in, sliced, stitched and presented with your little bundle (no, I'm not so naive as to think it's that easy, because it's not) or there are medical conditions which necessitate it. Socially, there are women who feel that what happens with them and their friends and their peers is you get booked in, you go in to the hospital in a timely fashion and you are home in a predictable time because everything is planned, everything is scheduled and organised and that's that. And who is to say that that is wrong? Equally there are women that have had a C section previously who would love to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C) and for whatever reason, can't. There are many who have laboured, at home or in a birth centre or in the hospital, for hours or days, and labour has stalled, medications aren't working, or whatever has happened has happened and they have to come to what can be a heartbreaking decision to have a C section, for their own good, for the good of their baby, for the sake of infection prevention, because they're exhausted, because something about their anatomy isn't quite working, because the baby is in distress, or a lot of other reasons as well; are they being lumped in with this idea of being too posh to push? Because even if you accept the fact that it's right to demonise people for being too posh to push (it isn't, but let's pretend for a moment we're all assholes and it is) how is it right to lumber those women who have pushed and pushed and pushed through pain and suffering and tearing and all sorts, into a category of "too posh to push"? How is that not insulting in the highest degree?

I would also like to point out that big babies are getting bigger. Someone told me 8 pounds was a normal sized baby when I was actually pregnant and I wanted to drop to my knees and pray for the survival of my vagina, because that sounds like trying to push a bowling ball out. When we're talking about "big babies" we're talking 10 or more pounds... You can pine for the good old days when women lay back and thought of England to get the baby in there in the first place, and then had to just bare down and push on because the alternative was either not available or not widely so, but they and their little five and six pound infants make some of these stodgy babes look like giants. Do we need to talk about or look into why babies are being born bigger? Maybe, but then you also need to back off of the women who deliver them if the idea of that passing through their pelvis is more than they can bare. Perhaps it's a problem with general fitness, not for the size of the baby, but the strength, meaning the actual physical strength and muscles of a women. We're becoming more and more reliable on cars as a mode of transport instead of our own two legs, so maybe muscles that would previously have been stronger are less cut out for the strains and stresses of labour, but to me that is again a different question than being too posh to push.

I started this blog mentioning about neurodiversity, and it may not be something where the connection matters, but there is a high correlation between neurodiversity and hypermobility, which in turn then contributes to a higher than average instance or probability of pelvic girdle pain. Whilst some may say PGP is just a bit of tummy pain towards the end of your pregnancy, I can assure you, it's not. From personal experience, it's really not. It's an exceptionally limiting condition and it's something which can - I found out unfortunately - get progressively worse. I struggled with getting onto and off of the sofa, I struggled getting up and down the stairs, I struggled getting in and out of bed, and I was regularly up five or six times a night in need of a pee, so it's not like it was practical or possible to just wake my partner every time I needed to pee, because he still had to get up and go to work even when I was able to be signed off because the only thing I could focus on was the pain. As a result of that, I was offered an induction, because I got to the stage where the way I was walking was just not amusing anymore and in terms of the quality of life I had, it was awful and it could have gone on for a number of weeks like that. Higher levels of inductions though - if there are higher levels... it's not something I saw in the data but it's not something I took an overly in depth look for - mean higher levels of C section and instrumental delivery, because a certain number of inductions end up in each one. Is that being looked into? Is that being accounted for? Is patient choice being respected? (It sounds like it is by the doctors and the midwives in maternity, but there is a distinct lack of respect from the press and potentially the public.)

In terms of facilities, staffing and many other things, as a country we are failing. The number of services which are poorly rated is horrendous and doesn't reflect on the work done by the incredibly kind and caring staff who just want to do their best, but are overworked, underpaid, sometimes potentially undertrained and generally taking the brunt of it when things are not going to plan. Like everywhere in the NHS, funding is being focused in some areas and not others, because it's not an unlimited pot, and things like infant feeding teams are seeing a rise in the number of people successfully breastfeeding in most timescales (and it is beneficial even in the shortest timescales) and the success of skin to skin contact in the early hours of babies lives, which encourages a number of good outcomes for both mother and baby. Alongside that, they're dealing with things like an increase in the number of overwhelmed parents and an increase in shaken baby syndrome in certain areas, and the necessary learning for parents in those areas to try and prevent that rise from continuing or being replicated elsewhere. I guess my biggest concern with this data is, and this is who cares, and why do they care, because if it's not for the right reasons - aka, looking into why, carefully examining if there's a problem and how to address that problem or problems etc instead of just demonising women for choosing to give birth in a way that feels safe and comfortable for them - then I kind of don't want to hear it. Especially because, whilst we happen to be on the subject, C sections are hard, and C section recovery can be brutal, and these women are having to return home with a newborn, a scar and, if they're lucky, someone at home for two weeks to help them out, but we all know that the financial strain on people is currently ever increasing so it's hard to judge anyone who decided they simply could not afford to take paternity leave. In that position, a woman can be left at home, alone, with a baby, and even in the situation where this is her first and only child, there are tasks she will need to do for that child that she shouldn't be doing yet because she is recovering from a major operation that is often treated like child's play. We need to do better for fathers or second parents or whatever you want to call them, but that also then means doing better by mothers, birthing people, again, whatever. If people need to use that as a reason, so be it. Not everyone can bounce back in two weeks or less. Not everyone is physically or mentally ready to take on the task of being solely responsible for themselves and another tiny little life who can't ask for what they need, can't tell you what's wrong and cries as their best way to communicate. Life is hard at the moment, finances are stretched, it is a hard time of year to be feeling the pinch, too, and sometimes it feels like everything is just piled on at the point that you're having a baby and if your only reaction to that is "having a baby was your choice" then honestly, you don't realise how f***ed the economy will be if people don't start having babies, because there is already not enough of them.

Okay, It's Time,

I'm currently sat with a glass of zero alcohol prosecco, under a blanket on the sofa watching something on Netflix, because I don't know what else to do at the moment. A lot of people will tell you that you'll know when it's time to go to the hospital, but honestly, I think once you've had a few false alarms, eventually you have to be right, don't you? It's not that we've had a false alarm for labour yet, but I'm sure it will happen before he eventually arrives.

One of the things I find really frustrating is the number of things which supposedly help to induce labour, but it's all anecdotal evidence, and for the most part when you read up on them, people seem to deny any of them work, and it's frustrating when you reach that stage where your body just feels too large and too lumbering and even though you know that the baby is safe on the inside, the promise of that first cuddle, and being able to walk without waddling and all the other glorious bits of no longer being pregnant are calling. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not pushing to have a medical induction any time soon, and I really hope that we don't get to the point where we need to consider that, because none of the procedures or methods sound particularly appealing, but the promise of things like raspberry leaf tea helping, or a particular kind of curry (as long as it was vegetarian) all seem more like a nudge in the right direction without being something that seems like forcing your body into being ready for something which it might not quite have been ready for. I know some people will stick by the idea that babies will come when they are ready, but some get past the point where it is safe to be on the inside and are still showing no signs of moving.

The problem is that you can feel ready and not ready emotionally, physically, mentally so much so that it almost feels like Schrodinger's pregnancy, or Schrodinger's mama.

There are still quite a few things we want to get done in the house before our little man arrives, but some of them are things that aren't really that important. Yes, it would be cute to be able to have his nursery ready, with the walls painted, all of the furniture in and everything completely ready for him, but he won't be sleeping in there for a good few months anyway, so his room is probably just going to be a place where we store his clothes and where I'm feeding him when we have guests over. There are other things that are a lot more important to get done - and no I don't mean getting on top of the garden, or even getting all of the prominent prickly stuff out of there.

Maybe the nesting instinct has gone off of me, and so I should be expecting the little guy to sit tight until at least his due date, if not beyond then, and I don't know that it counts the same if I try and convince myself to be doing things like stripping the wallpaper and getting other bits of his room ready, but I guess the upshot is that I am ready for him to be here already and it seems like he wants to be taking his time.

I've Got My Shoes, And I'm Ready For The Weekend,

I mentioned a post or two ago about having things going on at the weekend, and for some reason everything is triggering music or lyrics in my head at the moment, which going to make sleep fun when I finally try to go to sleep, but I feel like a song about shoes is very apt for me, because I love my shoes...

One of the last weekends before we become or became parents, at the stage I'm writing this he's still on the inside cooking and gaining weight, but who knows what he's up to when you're reading this!, I needed my wellies more than the high heels I used to love or my collection of Converse trainers, because we were out into the garden, in the thick of it with all of the apples that carpet the floor and we were trying to sort out at least some of the mess before the weather fully turns on us and before it's the dead of winter, the ground freezes and there is little to nothing we can do about some of the bigger problems on the land. The biggest problem being that it's essentially been left wild for a while.

The magnificent fruit trees are all a bit gangly and unkempt and a few of them have picked up invaders like ivy that have been there for a long time, and are subsequently a bit tricky to get rid of, but we're determined and we know it's not something we can do all in one go, even if we try to regardless of knowing that!!

Although I've been struggling with pelvic girdle pain and have been limited on the amount of time I can stand before I'm in too much pain, I managed to go to battle with one of the big ivy plants and it's something I want to keep doing because ivy drives me mad. I hate the fact that ivy is one of the most invasive species of plants, it does documented damage to properties, but still when you're buying and selling a house people make more noise about Japanese Knotweed and Himalayan Balsaam than they do about ivy which is literally strangling the life out of the trees and creating damage to them. I love our fruit trees, not just because I'm hormonal and have an unhealthy attachement to anything including inanimate objects, plants and animals whose names I do not know, but because they're a big part of my attraction to the land, so the state that they're in should be clear from me saying I asked for three rather large branches to be cut off one of the trees which was infested with ivy, because of the damage it has already done and continues to do to that tree. Honestly, it was the only thing I could think to do to save it. 

We have another tree further up the garden that is probably beyond saving and a few more further back that I'm hoping just need a bit of pruning, but given that I'm not allowed on ladders at the moment (it's for good reason - I'm not a very well balanced human being even when I don't look like I've shoved a beachball up the front of my shirt) I don't think those will get done any time soon.

This is why I love this place though, because it makes me want to get outside into the fresh air and do things, particularly to make it more beautiful but also to make it more accessible and also to restore it to when it has been more than a decent sized patch of land at the rear of a house that's useful for parking cars on and other than that, as far as we can tell, has been ignored quite a bit. The most important thing to me though is to be very intentional with the decisions we are making, and not just go at the whole lot with a chainsaw, say s** it all let's have a football pitch and then realise that even though the carpet of apples that was there when we first moved in was an overwhelming mess, taking out everything was a big mistake.

What I do know is that we'll be spending a lot more weekends in wellies getting everything sorted to how we want it, and I am really looking forward to the process, as well as the outcome.

Well, That Was Clever,

There are decisions that people make that from the outside, other people can't help but look at and think, how does that work? Or how does that make sense? And honestly, most of the time it's because the reasons for something are completely different because we all have different perspectives and it can take a while for these things to be visible. Obviously, I have an example. 

Next year I will have been vegetarian for around twenty years, so we're past the point it's been over half of my life and a few other significant milestones. With everything with the pregnancy I've also been confronting a lot of my issues around food and the fact that even if I don't have an "eating disorder" in the classic sense of anorexia or bulimia, I definitely struggle with disordered eating and it's most likely connected to the fact I have ADHD, or possibly the fact that several of my mental health team have stated it's highly likely I'm also autistic.

It would be completely untrue to say that I didn't have symptoms of this prior to going vegetarian, but most of them were seen as me just being a fussy eater, but I'm not sure if the problems got better or worse when I went veggie. 

The thing is, I'm not good with change. Quorn and other meat replacements are pretty good because they are consistent and being consistent and reliable is a good thing for me. Knowing what to expect and being able to expect that every time eases some of the anxiety around food. The problem is over the last twenty years a lot of different brands have come into the UK market and released products that have been varying degrees of awful or incredible, but these products don't often stick around. I could write an ode of love to the faux prawn sandwich that Aldi brought out a few years ago; that thing was beautiful. They also previously made a faux smoked salmon that I adored, which came back for Veganuary and then seemed to stay, but I haven't seen it in a little while (but we're on the eve of Veganuary again so hopefully it'll be back in soon...) but equally there was a tuna replacement that I tried once that made me gag and Linda MacCartney sausages taste like rubbish to me because they're too dry and gross. I'm also not big on their freezer mock duck, but the tinned stuff in gravy by Granovita was just incredible, and even that has disappeared. There was the Like Meat Schnitzel, too, there one day and then gone the next... 

I understand that this is because these products get launched and there will be others like me that are reluctant to try them, or that are priced out of some of them because some veggie products are expensive and then there's the really annoying one of products being developed using egg whites, because apparently they're an industry byproduct, so products can be made more cheaply, but then vegans can't/ won't have them, and when it's something like Quorn Fishes Fingers or the other parts of their fish range that died a dead, pescatarians won't eat them either, because they'd just eat the fish... 

Within all of this you've also got the group of vegetarians who don't use meat replacements for various reasons (not liking the taste or the texture of meat, the dishes that they typically cook for themselves not 'requiring' a meat substitute etc) and those who go vegetarian for health reasons, who look on a lot of meat replacement products as they would chicken nuggets - too processed and too beige, so making a new product work in the vegetarian market is HARD. There are some places that do it incredibly well and some that try and fall on their asses, but even the really good ones aren't guaranteed to last. I don't think it's that many years ago (but my ability to timeline isn't brilliant) that Temple of Seitan in Camden was potentially going to shut, and that would have been a total shame because they are beyond incredible!! 

So, what does this have to do with me? Honestly, it's mostly the fact that even when I try new products, which can be a pain to make myself do, then there's no point getting overly attached to something brand new, because the likelihood of it serving long term is... well, it's not great. Though if people avoid it so as not to get attached to it in case it disappears, it definitely will...

Being vegetarian limits my food choices and when I struggle with food anyway, it was probably not the best decision, but it's a decision I made because of loving animals as opposed to hating meat, so the lack of logic between all the change in the vegetarian food market/ scene and my ND brain not coping with change and remembering how good LikeSchnitzel was however many years later wasn't even a little bit of a consideration back then. Now it's just annoying... 

Give Me What I Want,

Originally, I wanted to title this Gimme What I Want, but then I second guessed myself on the band for the song I was referencing and realised that Gimme What I Want is a Miley Cyrus song and Kids in Glass Houses (knew it was them, should never have second guessed myself) titled their song as Give Me What I Want, even though I would swear that they sing it more as Gimme rather than the Queen's English (King's English now?) Give Me... 

And after that brief tangent, let's dive in. A couple of people have asked me, in relation to the impending birth of my little one, when I'm going to have a baby shower, and it has always been a bit of a when are you having one rather than are you planning one, which I guess is to be expected because they are a pretty common occurrence now (as are the dreaded gender reveals!!) but honestly, I never  actually intended to have one, for a few reasons and the biggest one is most of my favourite people like a car ride, train ride or even plane ride away and it wasn't going to be possible to get them all assembled into one room to come and celebrate me and my little guy, sadly. 

Now, I would have loved to pull them all together and do some of the crazy traditions from different countries baby showers, I can't remember if the tasting baby food one was Canadian or American (taste it and guess the flavours, not just taste it for the hell of it, although if you want to, you do you...) but I think the sniffing the diaper (translation: nappy) and guessing what the fake baby poop was made out of was an American one. Apparently a couple of favourites are spread out Nutella in one and green mushy peas in another. Yuck!! But even things like having a guess the baby's weight, or whose eyes or hair or whatever they will have seems like quite a nice way of celebrating with friends before bringing this tiny human into the world, because it helps people think about what's beyond the bump and actually having the little person in their lives as well as the lives of their parents.

Except that very often, baby showers are seen as a bit of a gift grab and it does slightly drive me mad when there is a gender reveal and presents are expected and then a baby shower, and another gift expected, and then some people do something which the Americans have dubbed a 'Sip and See' (sorry, but not everything needs a damn name...) and some people expect presents at that as well, though I believe that's not the norm... Some people will genuinely use these events, and particularly the invitations to these events as an excuse to circulate their gift registry and honestly, I find it tacky for one thing, but also find the idea of doing it kind of knocks my autistic funny bone.

There are just some things that, whilst normal to other people, make me squirm and the best way I can describe them is knocking my autistic funny bone, because it's that same weird sensation you get when you. bang your funny bone that goes along with the pain, but also just makes your legs feel like jelly and your stomach feel like you're going to throw up. It makes me cringe but it's more than that. 

But then again, the NHS advertising screens in the antenatal clinic really encourage you to make an Amazon Wishlist so I did, like a good little soldier doing as I'm told, but then when people started asking me about it, I got the total ick with it. At first it was because I really didn't want any more STUFF to move with, even if it was STUFF I picked out and STUFF I knew that we needed. As it was, we had a VERY BIG truck and it was damn near full to bursting, so God knows what we would have done if there was more, but the bigger challenge of it now is, a, how to go back to those people and say, oh yeah, we've moved now - here's my list - or even sending it to people who are asking me for it now, I'm kind of embarrassed by it, as though I'm either asking for gifts or because I think people are going to judge me for things that are on the list or things that aren't.

Let's face it, the second part of that is really ridiculous, because the reason a lot of things aren't on the list isn't because we simply forgot them or because it hasn't occurred to us to get them for the baby - who needs a car seat for the bub? Just bungee strap him to the roof... - but because we already have them and sometimes, we already have multiples, but I worry that people will look at it and judge my choices. I think the high chair is on there - something I fully intend to buy myself but since the dinning room is currently a cluttered mess still from moving, I'm not doing it yet - but it's specifically a wooden one, and we've had a few friends offer us their old ones and I've declined because it's a plastic one and that's really not my preference. I worry that sometimes it comes across as very ungrateful, but it's not about that, it's about the choices we are making as parents and we really do want to limit his exposure to plastic or microplastics in his food. 

I have a love hate relationship with gift registries for this reason, because at least you know that no one is spending money on things you may or may not like, need or want, but I slightly feel like it does ruin gift giving, because the act of giving a gift should be something from the heart - here's something that I love and I hope you will love, too, or here's something which made me think of you... You don't get that when someone has sent you instructions on what to buy, but you also avoid the awfully awkward interaction when someone gets you something you hate and you have to smile awkwardly, control your face (I suck at controlling my face - it broadcasts every feeling I ever have and the bad ones are on loud speaker) and say thank you, but even worse with a baby, particularly when it's clothes, you're expected to USE the thing, make the kid WEAR the thing, and share a photo of the kid in the thing as evidence or something cute in lieu of a thank you card... And if you don't, you're ungrateful...  And that's even when there are some vile sloganed items in the world like a bib that says "Daddy only wanted a BJ and now he has me..." And yes, I have seen something like that, but no, thankfully it wasn't gifted to me. Hopefully people know me better than that, because that would not be going near my child.

Now, there is the possibility of the fact that Reddit is actually stressing me out a bit because there are so many stories on there of people being called ungrateful for not accepting certain gifts or wanting certain things etc and it's always a bit of a divide between people who think you should graciously accept everything you're offered and others who think you should be able to be very specific, but with the market flooded with baby products, some of which aren't even considered to be safe, it's surely understandable that parents want some element of choice in what they do want and what they will use? If we had had a baby shower and someone had brought a nappy cake, they might have been sorely disappointed to find out that we're actually planning on using reusables so I'm hoping we only need disposables in a total emergency and for baby swimming lessons, so a lot of those would end up going to waste, or being put onto the local Facebook Free group. In terms of clothes, honestly, we have hundreds which we have been lovingly gifted, but babies grow so quickly that I won't be surprised if he shoots through them so quickly that he doesn't have the chance to wear half of what he has for the first year, so doesn't it make sense to look at a list of things that includes books we want to read to him, or bath toys for a little bit down the line or Tonies figures, because as much as I want to be able to read him to sleep every night, I know that there is still a lot of value in having something like that, particularly when he's a bit older and he can just set it up and use it by himself? 

If this sounds like I've talked myself into a love of wish lists, you're sadly mistaken, because I still find them incredibly difficult in terms of sharing them etc, but this is just a bit of a peek into the internal struggle I have with them... 

Where Did My Buffer Go?,

I wrote a post recently about having utilised one of the features of Blogger to time posts to come out on a more consistent basis, partly because I have been struggling with my ADHD and partly because I have been struggling with some of the symptoms of pregnancy. One of the great parts of that is that it means when I have a "good" day with the ADHD and hyper focus on writing, I can get quite a few blog posts written and scheduled and then I have a buffer zone for the days when I either don't want to write, or can't look at a computer screen because it's going to give me a headache either from the medications I'm on to because I'm actually too tired to look at the screen and I need an all day nap.

When I came onto Blogger today, feeling the urge to write one of the posts on here after it had been bubbling and whizzing around my head for the last few days I couldn't help but think, where has my buffer gone? And the truth is, I had eaten through it from a few days, or more than a few days, of inactivity and bad symptoms etc, and the fact I have four of these queued up per week was probably a bit ambitious. I have missed writing so much, but when I'm overly ambitious I tend to burn out and then disappear for months on end so it would be nice to actually stick to writing this consistently for a bit, and I think in order to do that I probably need to drop the number being posted per week, and I think the most sensible one to drop is the weekend post, or posts, unfortunately.

To be perfectly honest, the weekend post was probably more of an ode to the past, particularly when I was a student, because I worked in the evenings, I was at university during the day and the only unscheduled time I could schedule for writing, or meeting up with writing buddies etc was at the weekend, and I loved writing about what I did or posting what I was up to or what the group was up to on Instagram, but these days my weekends are full of doing all sorts of things and pretty soon I'm going to have someone relying on me for not only his life, but his very existence, so having any form of consistent writing time is likely out of the window for at least a month or so (probably a few more than that if we're being honest with ourselves) and to me it just makes sense to have the three spaced out during the week, but I don't know. I will likely decide later on. 

I might take after my mother and not do Mondays, and no, my mother isn't a large ginger cat, but she does like lasagna. I think.

The most important thing though, she says looking at a clock that is saying it's quarter to midnight on a 'school' night, is going to be striking a balance between what I want to do and what I have the capacity to do, particularly whilst getting into the swing of things, and without being one of those people who think every little thing that their child does is revolutionary. Whether it's a smile in their earliest days or it's gas, it doesn't really matter, because no one else finds it as fascinating as the parents or immediate family of the kid and sometimes even that is asking too much, so I'm really going to try and avoid being like that, because there is life outside of being a Mum and I don't want to lose sight of that.

This Is The Problem With Scheduling,

I had this whole little system set up and had this whole plan to make my life a little bit easier and I even wrote a whole post about it and how it was helping, and then I felt the need to write the post about Girlguiding (I only didn't touch on the WI because it's not something I have direct experience of so I didn't want to wade into something and make a load of assumptions, though I understand that they made the same decision for the same reasons) and then over today (Saturday) I have beeb wanting to write an extended version of what's been on my social media stories. 

Wes Streeting is launching an enquiry into whether there is over diagnosis of ND and mental health conditions and where there are gaps in the services. Half of that sounds like a really great thing because the simple fact of the matter is that the services are insufficient. Now, I do believe that there is not a quick fix with that, because training any form of medical professional takes time and money, so it's not like there are a bunch of nurses just sitting home that we can say, cool, you now have a job and it's working in an ADHD clinic supervising the medication of hundreds of people, partly because if they've no experience in that sort of clinical setting it's going to take a while to get used to the meds, the side effects, the symptoms that people have and the patients and how they behave, and ADHD is particularly tricky because the drugs that are used to manage symptoms are a controlled substance with a very specific set of rules around them. Another big thing which is becoming more of an issue at the moment is that the rate of underdiagnosis for ADHD predominantly affected women, because ADHD presents differently in girls than boys. The generation that are now realising they have this are of child bearing and child rearing age, so there's a lot of us having babies and breast feeding etc, which adds another layer of complication.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

I can't remember if I've previously written about my experience of getting to the point of an ADHD diagnosis so I'm going to put a brief summary of it below. When I was sixteen, I knew I had struggled with spellings for a lot of years, I misread things a lot and it caused confusion and one of the things that made it easier was coloured paper. All of those things are classic dyslexia symptoms, but when I was assessed at sixteen, by a member of staff at my college, I was told I couldn't possibly be dyslexic because I could learn. I think she had foot-in-mouth disease along with the health minister, but I would point out that even if she meant that dyslexic people couldn't learn to make less errors in spelling or other things they struggled with, she was wrong, because it is possible, it's just hard. It's mentally exhausting trying to do it with no support. 

When I was twenty I was really struggling at university, and I made the decision to repeat a year because it was the best thing for me by the point that I realised how much I was struggling. I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, given medication and therapy and CBT and things got a little better, but there was always this undercurrent of this is making things easier, but it's still not right.

I was twenty five when I was assessed for bipolar disorder, mainly in connection with the cycling moods and struggles with depression that I was still experiencing even when my doctors had tried a lot of different medications with me. I was told it definitely wasn't bipolar, and was relieved, but still knew that there was something and it seemed like no one wanted to help me find out what that was. 

I was about twenty eight when I spoke to a GP and said I think I'm autistic, and the doctor told me I couldn't be because I can make eye contact and hold a conversation. It took me a couple of months to go back and see another doctor, and say I know that that's a perspective, but I think it's wrong and I still think I might be autistic. And he thankfully was a lot more informed about ND conditions, said that was a load of rubbish but also said he thought that the issues I had were less to do with autism and more to do with ADHD. At the time, I was so in the dark about ADHD, so I spent the next few months whilst I was waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more, learning about what it was, what it meant, how people dealt with symptoms and honestly, it was like a lightbulb coming on and I could see, because things just made sense! I was really lucky because, when I had been on the waiting list for about nine months, and was told that I was likely to be waiting another nine months before I was seen for an assessment, HR at my workplace paid for me to have an assessment, where they told me I did have traits of autism, dyslexia and dyspraxia, but I also definitely had ADHD, and honestly, it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, but also one of the best. 

Now that I'm pregnant and under the perinatal mental health team (I just tried to call them perimental natal team and I'm not sure if that's an ND thing or a baby brain thing) the doctor has said whilst I don't have a formal diagnosis for autism, they're going to put everything in place for me as though I do, because it's clear that that is the case, and again, it explains a lot, but I will admit that conversation, though not a formal diagnosis, didn't hit me anything like as hard as the ADHD did, but I guess that's because I've known I was somewhere on that ND spectrum for a while and that essentially, the traits you have of each bit is kind of decided but using a sawn off shotgun to fire buckshot at said spectrum and see where the holes get punched. (I normally just call it the sh*t pick and mix, but either works.)

I know that I am really, really lucky because my workplace were able to cut the time I was waiting for diagnosis significantly by paying to have that done privately, and I'm not even one of the unlucky ones who is in one of the higher waiting time areas. Some clinics have so many referrals to get through that their waiting lists for first appointments and diagnoses are around the eight year mark. Whether you're in education - be it primary, secondary or higher education - or a workplace or whatever you are doing with your life, the likelihood is that referral has not been made on a whim. These referrals are made because people are genuinely struggling, and the majority of people aren't reaching out for that diagnosis so they can be signed off, or 'written off' as the minister said, but so that they can try and figure themselves out and understand themselves better. It's all well and good having a market full of products which are there to offer something to people with anxiety or neurodiversities, but it feels like self-prescribing in a way to get these things without first having a diagnosis. Also, products like compression hoodies and blankets, fidget spinners and all that sort of thing can only do so much to help people with their issues. I needed help with mornings, and coffee only does so much. 

There are some people who think there is too much focus on the label, but sometimes 'labels' are important. Many people waiting for autism diagnoses worry that they're not going to be diagnosed and that actually, they're just blunt AHs. I worried that I wasn't going to be diagnosed with ADHD and it was more that I couldn't shut up because I was trying to cover up how boring I am. Those intrusive thoughts are really damaging, and the 'label' is just an acknowledgement of things being a little bit different in your head to the vast majority of people's, and it's an acknowledgement that the way that the world is structured isn't geared towards you exactly. Knowing that is powerful, because it gives you the ability to understand what can be different, what can feel different and potentially why certain things might be uncomfortable, but it also gives you a vocabulary to speak about that with other people and try and make things better. 

For me, despite the fact that I got so much better on medication, and then got so much worse when I had to come off of meds to avoid the risks to my little guy, I still feel a sense of imposter syndrome with the ADHD and I still struggle to battle against it at times in ways that are exhausting and frustrating and down right tedious. This is also in spite of the fact that I have a wonderfully supportive partner that does what he can to help me, even when it means me waking him up and asking if he's mad at me for something I did that he's already forgotten about but I've held onto for hours or days or weeks at a time. Pregnancy hormones and ADHD has been something else entirely as well, and without a diagnosis, without medication and without the right support from the mental health team, I don't know how I would have got through it, or how we would have got through it. 

I know the minister has now said that he misspoke when he started talking about this issue, and the inquiry is, in part, to look to see if over diagnosis is a problem, but I don't know if he realises how damaging that in itself is. The narrative around neurodiversity and the conversations some people have are still often not positive. People say some really awful things trying to be nice and people say really awful things trying to be awful. People weaponise autism for their own agendas, like being against vaccines, and whilst they might not say it in those terms there are some antivaxxers that will go so far as to say they would rather have a dead kid than an autistic kid. Some people say everyone is a bit autistic or everyone's a bit *insert neurodiversity here* as to why there doesn't need to be specific diagnoses for things like dyspraxia, dyscalcular etc and some people will see something like fidget spinners and decide they need one for their kid, too, and they shouldn't only be for the kids with a diagnosis or whatever. Where these things are scarce, it annoys me as much as people using diabetes drugs to be able to lose weight, because need should come before want. If there was an abundance of everything and something makes you feel better or you enjoy it, cool, but otherwise, leave it alone unless it is a need.

We are still battling with the language around autism, particularly to do with high and low functioning and the use of the term Asperges', and in ADHD there are still people using the term ADD even though that is now outdated, too. People may think this only matters inside of a clinic setting, but it doesn't, and I would argue it matters much more outside of the clinical setting. ADD was particularly applied to women and girls because the hyperactivity is primarily internal (until I start Tigger bouncing through sheer excitement or anger, but that's not the point) and less on display. It's things like overthinking and anxiety etc as opposed to a lowered impulse control, though lowered impulse control is still a factor, but it again presents differently. Low and high functioning seems to ascribe a value to people, which is gross, but also commonly refers only to the person's capacity to verbally communicate with other people. Someone can hold down a job, be able to take care of themselves independently and have good emotional control etc, but because they're none verbal or have limited verbal communication skills, they're considered low functioning. Similarly, you can have university professors that can't iron their own shirts or remember to feed themselves, but because they can hold a conversation - as long as it's about a subject they're interested in - and they're intelligent, they're considered "high functioning". And Asperger was a literal Nazi.

I really hope that this inquiry doesn't start to feel like a witch hunt, but if they're looking for evidence of overdiagnosis, it does feel worrying and the rhetoric around the inquiry already feels quite worrying. People "other" that which they don't know or don't understand and that's something that happens a lot to ND people, and my worry is that this is going to do the same thing on a bigger scale. I know that a lot of people are going to see it as confirmation of their own biases and there's little that can be done about that, but it is concerning and it is upsetting.

I was going to put this blog to go out on Monday and then rejig everything for next week, but it's past one in the morning and I'm actually tired so I'm just putting it out now so I can post the link to it, and barring anything else "exciting" happening, there's a schedule for three blogs to be published this week at lunchtime on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Decisions No One Wants To Make,

Right, I am well aware of the fact that this could be a whole can of worms and it might be something that I regret touching with a barge pole, but it's all over Facebook, it's making me mad and I would rather put all my thoughts down into one place and it not be somewhere that I'm going to get into arguments with keyboard warriors and internet Karens because it just adds to the fact that I sometimes feel highly triggered by the notification sound on my phone which is why it spends much of it's time on silent, much to the annoyance of basically everyone around me.

One thing I want to preface this with is that I'm not claiming to be an expert in any of it, and I'm happy to be proven wrong on many aspects of that, but when I say proven, I don't mean other people being satisfied by their own argument that their right, and that they don't need to think about it any longer.

Girlguiding. It's an organisation I was part of from when I was five, in Rainbows, and I left when I was about nine or ten, because it wasn't for me. My particular groups didn't really do pack holidays - no shade, they take a lot of work, they take a lot of planning time and time being away and most Girlguiding leaders are mothers with their own families, and taking that time away just isn't a possibility for everyone - and that contrasted so much with my brother's experience of Cubs and Scouts, and I wanted to go and join that instead, because they went camping and they did adventurous things and from my perspective, I was just sitting around doing craft things and though I am a crafter now - I've always enjoyed cross stitching and knitting but had varying degrees of engagement with them over the years - I was never a fan of paper and glue kind of crafts unless it was papermache (sorry, I can't spell that) and getting dirty.

I joined Scouts into a group that had about two or three other girls, from memory, and a lot of boys, and most of them were boys from my school. And I loved it. I loved it so much. We went camping, we stayed in tents, we lit fires, went on rope swings, and we ran through Boggy Wood nearly falling over every step because it was soooo boggy (hence the name) and I just loved it. I was around nine and a half, ten ish when I joined which was why I went straight into Scouts instead of Cubs and I stayed throughout Scouts, into Explorers, though only as a young leader, and when I was finally living somewhere that I was stable - i.e. not moving every twelve months and possibly going to a whole new area - I went back as an adult volunteer and I had always intended to do that.

Now, I will admit that I knew leaders as a child that would say things like "Brownies get badges for blowing their noses" and the expected camradery between the two organisations that exists elsewhere and that you might expect from the significant shared history we have wasn't something I really saw as much, and by my own experience it was something where Girlguiding was more for girl-y girls and Scouts was for lads and "Tom-boys", but that is something different across units depending on all of the people involved. I'm including all of this because I think everyone involved in this debate/ conversation has their own personal biases and I don't want to be accused of hiding mine or trying to deny it. It's there and I know that. My view was less limited than some people's where it's Scouts is boys, Guides is girls and that is a very definite line in between. I've had this said to me recently about Scouting and our charter was changed 30-40 years ago at least to say that girls were to be allowed into every section (solely talking about the UK and TSA here as that's my experience). 

I believe it was in 2017 that Girlguiding admitted their first trans female member, and this whole "controversy" has kicked off from there, and honestly, I both get and don't get why. In this time a lot of other things have changed, including reducing the age for starting Rainbows to four years old, the Supreme Court decision that has informed the current decision and many, many other things and the trans rights debate has rumbled on with very vocal and emotive arguments on both sides, and honestly, when it comes to youth organisations, it's crap. 

Scouting is not immune from this. We are really lucky in some ways, because we aren't limited by our charter into being a single sex organisation and the guidance we are being given is we are open to everyone, as I believe we should be, but does that prevent issues at a local level? No, it doesn't. Does it mean leaders feel prepared when they encounter a child who is trans, or curious, or queer? No, it doesn't, and to my knowledge there are no specific and overarching policies other than that we are inclusive. As a Cub leader (eight to ten and a half year olds), I have had a couple of children in the group who wouldn't all necessarily say they identify as trans, but who are expressing that they aren't comfortable in the gender of the sex they were born into. That's the best way I can say it. For that age group, it's slightly less difficult, because there are times when camping that they're all in together, because of numbers, because of tent sizes, because of space, because of a multitude of reasons and the only thing to be managed in that is safe and private spaces for changing (which actually needs to be managed appropriately even in  single sex spaces) and the reactions of the parents, and it's about that dialogue.  I think the biggest difference we have there though is that parents of girls bring them into an organisation where they know there will be boys, and so they've hopped that mental harder before they start.

The two things that Girlguiding have had to contend with, in the first instance, is the language of their charter (not sure if they call it that, but the document where they set out who they are and what they do) and they specify that they are an organisation for girls, and the language of the Supreme Court ruling in April 2025 which sought to clarify the Equalities Act of 2010 in it's definition of women and girls. The clearest thing for me is that Girlguiding as an organisation has been forced into making this decision and it's a decision that doesn't sit right with everyone, but because of those documents and rulings, one of three things had to change and that was either the policy on trans girls, the constitution/ defining document or the decision by the Supreme Court. I would think it's obvious that the last one of those is going nowhere, but it's also something outside of the sphere of control of Girlguiding, so they were left with two decisions: policy or constitution. Honestly, I understand the decision to change policy at that moment, because I think changing the constitution would have been far too inflammatory at this stage, but also would have opened up way too many cans of worms.

Honestly, this new policy does not make sense, because it's saying that trans girls, who present as girls and want to be involved in girls activities etc cannot be admitted, but trans boys, who present as boys and would presumably want to be involved in a community of boys, can be admitted. Maybe I'm looking at it from a retro-normative perspective and assuming these kids are wanting to conform to the gender they identify with, but that's my view of it, and it does not make sense at all, but like I said, I don't think this decision is one that has been made willingly, so maybe the lack of sense in it makes sense in a way.

The other big thing that Girlguiding has had to contend with is the attitude of parents and volunteers and this is something which is really hard. I've written before about the divides between parents, particularly mothers, on the strangest of battle lines, but it really is a people thing and the arguments inside of Girlguidings parents and volunteers simply reflect the ideas, concerns and arguments of people in the wider trans rights debate, but in a more inflamed way because we're primarily talking about children. It's about what children are "exposed to" and who children are around. Girlguiding has specified that this ruling doesn't change things for their volunteers as these are open roles, so if we're talking about girls being "exposed to" trans people, it can and will still happen, because trans women and trans men can still volunteer (as far as I understand it).

If people's concerns are that trans women (or trans men) are volunteering in Girlguiding to be close to young girls, they really need to be more assured that Safeguarding practices and vetting processes are robust, and they are constantly being checked and developed. Safeguarding policy is something that has been questioned in Scouting as well, and it's always developing. You can question whether training keeps up with these developments fully and whether more can be done in this area, but that doesn't mean you need to exclude trans women and girls.

I've seen a good number of people questioning how children at "such a young age" can know they are trans, to which I would say they might not have the language to express it, but they do express feeling different, and they express their personalities and their feelings. The choice as to whether to put a label onto that isn't much about a label, but giving them a vocabulary that expresses what they are or may be thinking and feeling, but that doesn't mean you need to exclude trans women and girls.

Additional to that, people like to misgender to force the idea that people are either a boy or a girl, ignoring that it's something like 1% of the population are intersex and that might be expressed heavily in traditionally masculine or feminine features, body types etc, but what qualifies that person to agree or disagree on what or who a person feels that they are? There is a structure by which people can change their gender and they have to, as I understand it, satisfy professionals that they are trans and not coached or abused etc, but that is a process available to adults and not, or at least not typically, to children, so that doesn't mean you need to exclude trans women and girls, particularly when you're talking about youth sections.

Parents demonise other children, because they think a trans girl is only saying she's a trans girl to get access to their daughters, which is just gross anyway, but particularly when we're talking about the younger sections that feels more like adults sexualising children and their actions and their motives than anything else, and honestly, it suggests that things like abuse and bullying don't happen in single sex environments, which they absolutely do, and organisations like Girlguiding have policies in place to be aware of it and address it, no matter where it's coming from, so again, it doesn't mean you need to exclude trans women and trans girls. This whole thing is just further marginalising a marginalised group and removing them from positive social experiences in childhood. It shouldn't matter if a young child who initially expresses that they "want to be a girl" later realises that they were just confused and they actually just like pink, or like fashion design, or whatever it is that made them think that, because at least we haven't made a child who is potentially really struggling with something, or could be really struggling if you constantly force them to be something they feel that they aren't feel more isolated and more ignored than they would if we just accept it at face value and let that guide the decisions we make for them. Just let kids be kids, and let them have the positive interactions and social development that these youth organisations bring rather than focusing on something that shouldn't be other people's business. 

I am gutted for Girlguiding having to make this decision, because I realise there will be backlash from it, and they don't deserve that, but they've been getting backlash for this policy since it came into effect, and they didn't deserve that either, and the simple fact is they're sitting in an impossible position having to deal with a problem that couldn't have been anticipated when they were created over 100 years ago and they're trying to deal with it the best way that they can. Obviously I don't agree with every decision they ever make or have made - I think the decision to sell their activity centres was a bad one - but with this one I can't say anything about other than it's disappointing but I can see where it came from.

I mentioned before that this is in part because of Girlguiding's charter or constitution or whatever it is that they call it, I'm not sure, and I want to clarify that I'm not saying that that can't be changed because it can, obviously, but the fundamentals of who we are in organisations (whether Scouting or Guiding) are in those documents and though Scouting has changed many many times over our lifespan, we've also lost factions because of those changes, so I can see why there would be significant reluctance to change in a way that could essentially tear the organisation in two. There are regular debates online about whether modern Scouting is too soft or whether leaders are expecting too much when we say that camps are a tech free weekend. 

There are some who expect that they can set a menu including cuppa soups and spaghetti bolognese and kids that are hungry will eat and the picky kids will eat when they get hungry enough, even though that doesn't fit with the variety of dietary requirements we have, might not suit the religious needs of some in the group or might even go against a number of allergies, particularly because of the number of cuppa soups that have gluten in them. Some kids need to have their phone because of their Dexcoms to treat their diabetes. Society and parenting look very different now than they did in 1907 when BP did the first Scout camp that was pretty much the catalyst for who and what we are now, so there is a clear need to be able to adapt and change to things that weren't an issue then or things that no one expected to come down the line, but there are no easy answers to any of it, and I personally think it's really important that we try and stay as united as possible as organisations as we navigate those challenges, but I also realise that issues such as trans rights can make that feel really difficult because of how polarised people are on the subject. 

I only decided to write this after today's blog was already published and it's the first one in a while that I've written and wanted to post on the same day, so I will, but I'm going to knock everything else back a bit, partly because it'll help me in building a buffer for days I'm exhausted and also when I do eventually end up in hospital. I'm saying that as though changing the ones currently scheduled isn't going to be a pain in the butt, but I would like this post to be the latest one for at least a little while, because I do think it's important. 

The Importance of Being Honest,

I would say I'm sorry about the play on words for the title, but I'm not because I love things like that. 

Since the start of this pregnancy, one of the things I have really tried to do is be honest, with myself, with my partner and with family and friends around me. That might make it sound like my general approach is deception, which it's not, but I know a lot of people struggle with the instruction or suggestion of not telling people outside of your immediate circle until you are twelve weeks pregnant. It's a balance of risk thing and the first trimester is considered the riskiest for miscarriage because losses happen at that stage for seemingly no reason, and very often it's difficult or impossible to know why. I've known people who've had recurrent miscarriages and it's both horrific to experience but also to not have answers of why this happened, particularly when the process of trying to get pregnant has not been easy.

We didn't really talk to anyone about the fact we were trying, partly because it is a bit of a strange conversation to have, but also because we didn't feel the need to invite outside commentary of whether it was too soon, or anything like that, but when we actually got pregnant, we shared the news with our parents very early on. I think can't remember if we told my partners close friends before or after we got engaged, but it was a decision we made because we saw them regularly to go out for food and an activity, and I was concerned that they wouldn't understand my increasing fussiness around food or might get a bit annoyed by it, so it was easier to say, hey guys, I'm struggling around food because I'm pregnant and morning sickness sucks.

We've shared with friends and family the highs and lows of buying the new house and going through this process whilst also being pregnant, how stressful it's been, how frustrating it's been, but also how having the baby made us more sure we chose the right house. Even before we knew that he was a boy we knew that the ability to play in the garden, to have the wild animals around and to hopefully be getting some birds again in a couple of years (maybe chickens, probably ducks, maybe geese) and raising our child to understand where their food comes from and things about eco systems and looking after the land and the trees and the river, all of those things were important to us as people and as parents so this really was the house and the dream if it could just all come together.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no question around whether we were having a gender reveal (it was a no!) but we wanted to share that we were having a boy, because although we didn't want to have a big party to reveal it, we didn't see a reason to hide it from anyone, because we had the certainty that he was a boy. (Granted, at my first growth scan I had a bit of anxiety about that, but they were soon able to set that right!) I should point out that I hate that they're called gender reveals because it's not gender, it's the baby's sex, so I guess I should say we know he's going to be born with a penis as opposed to we know he's a boy.

The only thing we've not shared with anyone really, or not many people, has been his name, and that's for a couple of reasons. 

Firstly, I don't want to hear what people have to say about it. I know most people say nice things or try to, but there's a lot of people who have a lot of opinions about names, whether they're unique names, classic names, Irish names or names spelt in the Irish way, or whatever. I am one of those people, and I'm glad that most of the time I see name announcements on Facebook because I am not good at controlling my facial expressions. At the end of the day, I can think what I want about people's name for their child and they can think what they like about my son's name, but it doesn't mean I want to hear it, and generally people will be more vocal before the birth because they see it as they have time to change your mind.

Secondly, I reserve the right to change my mind, or should I say, we reserve the right to change our minds. We've discussed his name many times, and we check in with each other that we're both still happy with what we've picked, and we're still muddling through trying to choose the right middle name, but when he comes out, it's possible that we look at him and go, oh, no, that's not right at all, or we think, he looks like a _____ instead of what we've chosen. I don't want to be stuck in a situation where we've told a lot of people the name, and then when he's here they're like, oh little X_____, and we're like, oh no, we actually decided to call him Y_____.

Lastly, and this is sort of connected to number two, but also sort of not... I don't really want things that are personalised to say X____ on them. Part of that is because we might want to change our minds, you never know, but another part of it is that babies are in things for such short spaces of time, they're growing and developing so fast that most things are going to be lasting them weeks or months, not years and whilst some of those items are going to be sentimental, we don't have the space to keep a load of items just because they have his name on them, and I would much rather either store them to be used for future siblings or pass them on to another parent who can make use of them, both of which can be slightly ruined by having a name or an initial marked or sewn in. It's personal preference, but I prefer things to be plainer, and some of the things we've chosen ourselves have been deliberately unisex, partly because we didn't know he was a he and partly because we know that we intend to have another one at some stage, and we don't know until that happens who or what they are going to be.

Obviously, there are risks with whether or not you share things or how much you share as you go along. Losses happen and then people have to go back and say, loss has happened, and that can be really hard to share. Errors can happen, so the girl or boy you celebrated and planned for can turn out to be the opposite at birth, and then it's explaining to people that whilst you thought you were having something, reality had a different thought, and people can change their minds about names for all sorts of reasons, whether it be positive or negative experiences with a person of that name, or someone close to you choosing the same or similar, but we all have to make our own choices based on what we're comfortable with, and sometimes we just need to accept that that might be something different than what we thought it might be. 

Does Nesting Look Different?,

I'm going to be a total hypocrite for a minute here, and I know that. I hate the way mum's get divided, or the whole idea of competition, whether it's between who's child did something first, or the various debates between c-section and vaginal birth, bottle vs breast, pumping and not pumping, cloth and disposable nappies, vaccinating and not vaccinating etc. Actually, that last one is a bit different, but anyway, I hate the way it feels like battle lines are drawn and you have to pick a team in each one and it just seems to make your circle smaller and smaller, or your section of the circles smaller and smaller like it's some Venn diagram. It drives me mad. But... 

There are times when I really want to reach out to other ADHD mamas who experienced antenatal anxiety (I think that's the term but I could be wrong - it's not anxiety towards the pregnancy and birth just a heightened anxiety because of the hormones whilst pregnant) and ask them if something is normal, or ask if something is because of the pregnancy or the ADHD. I mean, obviously that's based on the assumption that they would know the answer and there is a high chance that they wouldn't, because whilst we may all have experienced pregnancy differently the one thing we've not experienced is being pregnant without having ADHD. Even if your pregnancy was prior to diagnosis, you still had it when you were going through that and it would still have had an impact.

I've mentioned before that I have been struggling with pain. Apparently having ADHD comes with a little side quest of hypermobility and that generally means a pre-disposition towards Pelvic Girdle Pain, so this condition was a bit like Thanos; it's inevitable. It's also wholly maddening, but apparently that's where we're at. 

The pain that I'm in means I've spent a lot of time either on the sofa or the bed and every chair in between, because paracetamol does basically nothing and doctors are reluctant, for good reasons, to use or prescribe other painkillers. Today though, I excelled myself. Even though I know I haven't taken paracetamol or anything to reduce the pain, and I know I'm feeling it because moving around is still a struggle, it's like I went into either ADHD sorting hyper focus mode or pregnancy nesting mode and I don't know which. 

You may be thinking, is it important? Well, no, it's not, because as long as I use it, stuff is getting done so why question where it came from? But also, yes, it's important, because if it's just an ADHD thing, it's just an ADHD thing, but if it's a pregnancy thing, it's progress in the pregnancy, another symptom and another step towards the point when my son arrives. Maybe it's because of the pain, maybe it's because I've always been impatient, or maybe it's my slight obsession with the idea that certain birthdays in December kind of suck because they're too close to Christmas for you to have a birthday party when you're still a kid, but anything that looks like progress makes me really excited and really happy, because I do just want him here and I just want a cuddle, and to some extent I want my body to feel like my own again. Whether it is or isn't nesting really changes nothing, but if I knew it was nesting that would be encouraging, mentally, and I feel like neurotypical people can't understand the confusion between the two things as well having not experienced it. Generally, of course.

What I do understand of it though is the nesting is going to look different at the moment anyway, because there is still so much unorganised STUFF all over our house. What sort of stuff? All sorts. There are boxes, there are crates, there are bags, there is furniture, because I can only do so much and my partner has been working some pretty long hours. Although his friends have been a delightful support, there is still quite a bit to be done, but then there always is when you move house, and moving house at 30 something weeks pregnant isn't exactly ideal. So nesting is going to feel more like organising, unpacking boxes and all that jazz, rather than bleaching the skirting boards, because your house is already clean, but you're feeling the urge to make it MORE clean.

I keep having to remind myself that making a house a home is very much like trying to be happy. It's not a singular point in time or a destination, it's very much a process and a journey, appreciating the things that make it happen and trying to not hold on too tightly to the things that get in the way.