Insomnia,

Insomnia is one of those annoying things that happen, and start impacting every part of your life.

One of the big reasons I want to have a flat to myself is that when the insomnia bug bites, it would be nice for me to be able to do something productive, like bake a cake or sit with my typewriter and do some writing, or even, if I lived somewhere better than where I do now (unlikely if I'm renting by myself but humor me) I could go out for a walk or a run after dark. I used to do it a lot when I lived in Kensington.

I used to love walking through Chelsea or Westminster at two or three o'clock in the morning, and just enjoying the quiet and the space and the freedom. By the time I got back to halls, I would either have to get ready for a lecture or be ready to sleep. Granted, sleeping by that time was probably a bad idea as it would mean the next night would be the same problem.

As it is, I feel as though there is nothing I can do aside from stare at my ceiling or have a moan - you can see which one of those two things won.

I'm not really sure where this latest bout of insomnia materialised from however I wish it would disappear back to from whence it came. I miss sleep.

Catch you later.

I've Been Ignoring My Blog Again,

Yeah, so I have been ignoring this thing again, and really, the truth is that I don't mind that. These last few months have been busy with work and dating and hating dating and all sorts of things and now it's Camp NaNo and I have never felt less like taking part than I do at this moment.

This past week I have been constantly exhausted but unable to sleep, so the idea of kicking my butt into writing has probably been one of the furthest things from my mind. Add to that the amount of work I have on at the moment and some other things that, for once, I would rather not talk about, I really don't know how this month is going to go and that's a shame because my unofficial camp project was to finish draft one of the novel from November which now seems to be somewhat unending. Part of me is tempted to stay up tonight whilst the fancy is taking me and cement all the little pieces together and then at least that is done. And the other part of me pulls a 'Scream' face every time I so much as think about doing that. Editing is not my strong point. Pulling the pieces of the novel together is not my strong point. I don't do chapters. This is going to be hell on Earth!!!

Alongside all of this I have had the joys of attempting to find myself somewhere new to live. Now, whilst this is not strictly necessary because where I live now I could feasibly continue to live for a while, but the distance to work and having to share with two boys and a mouse is not an ideal situation. I would much rather be back to living on my own, but it takes so much time to find a place, look at it and then inevitably write it off for whatever reason.

I make no commitments to this blog now other than the commitment which I make to myself at the moment. I am trying to be the best possible version of myself.

Catch you later.

The Quiet,

After two weeks of being back at my parents' house in Manchester, I was feeling really relaxed and ready to take on anything... 

And then what happened, well, happened. I've deliberately refrained from saying anything because I wasn't directly involved, but then when I went back again this weekend it made me realise - not for the first time, but it brought it home more I guess - just how something like that can affect a city and how it reaches out and touches everyone around it. And it hurts (well, of course, it does). 

I might not have been there, but a friend's little sister was. I might not have been one of the emergency responders on one of the worst calls of their career, but my neighbour was. I might not be one of the staff at the hospitals across Manchester treating the life changing injuries which people sustained, but they are people I have worked with.

The best thing I got to do, I firmly believe, was to add to the field of flowers that is covering the square, fight with the wind to light a candle and spend a few minutes in the relative silence. It was to walk around the city with a friend that I haven't seen in a long time and not let this take my city away. 

Yes, it is true that we could be scared, but that's not Manchester, it's not Mancunian, and it certainly isn't me. 

It says something about the buzz - and yes I do use that word deliberately - that we created this weekend with tattoo artists across the city, across the country - heck I think some American places even came on board in the end!! - throwing beautiful events to unite us under a inked banner of Manchester bees, the buzz created by the runners who still got up and smashed a 10k to raise money for all kinds of charities, and also for the buses, proudly displaying the #we<3MCR message across the city.

The Cold,

As I wrote yesterday, this past week I have done a fat lot of nothing much, and whilst that has been great I seem to have acquired a cold. Well, a sore throat and sinus pain, but those do seem to be the pre-warnings of a cold for me. 

Whilst that is quite frustrating, I guess that it is better for it to happen while I can sit at home and take it easy as opposed to push myself to go into the office and feel crappy whilst doing it. 

Unfortunately though, I had hoped to get through some writing or editing or something whilst I was back at home and one week in, I have not really done that. I haven't really felt like it. Granted there is the usual issue of urgh, I wish I had a laptop with everything collated so that it wasn't so much of a mess about, but still, I have access to a laptop, I have my netbook with me and a couple of notebooks, but aside from one brief scribbling session, I haven't really touched any of it. 

Oh God, I just sneezed and it truly upset my dog. I think I need a hot tody.

I'm not sure how it has come to this because I would have thought that having an abundance of time would be just what I needed, but apparently not. Too much time with absolutely no structure is possibly - well, no, definitely - not productive. 

I think I needed something like NaNoWriMo in order to keep me on target and unfortunately that wasn't going to be a thing. Also I think that I would be tempted to go for another fifteen thousand word day, which, whilst very beneficial, would be pretty painful and probably would have brought on another nasty dose of NaNoFlu, which is never enjoyable! 

Anyway, I should probably put some effort in while thinking about it. 

Catch you later.

The Calm,

This past week I have been back at my parents' place in Manchester except for one epic trek out into Derbyshire. Whilst that trek gave me a new appreciation for Pride and Prejudice I am by no means falling over myself to do it again. The rest of the time I have been at home with my pup doing a fat lot of not very much, because this is kind of my holiday. 

Although I was terrified before I came up that I was going to get bored, it has actually been nice to go walking with the dog, get chatting to the other dog owners and vegetate in front of the television with no responsibility. (Yes, it is a bit like reverting back to my teenage years, but with the addition of the canine component.)

Much as I love my dog, and I really do love the little guy, it is weird living with him, because prior to this week I never have before. Every time I sit down to eat, he wants to come in the door or go out of the door so he can pee in the garden, every time I get snacks (and I really like my snacks) he's looking at me with these big, puppy eyes as though he hasn't eaten in weeks and wants everything that I'm having. Seriously, this dog will play at being starving even when his favourite food is in his bowl! And then there is a the exercise issue. 

I am well aware that I am neither the most motivated, nor the most proficient at exercising, however when trying to run through YouTube exercise videos, he kept putting his butt in my face, when I, finally, finished an abs video, he jumped onto my aching abs making them hurt even more. And then there was the run. Deciding that he needed to be tired out slightly due to the insane amount of beans he was displaying and needing to have a run myself, I took him along with me. All seemed to be going pretty well, until he decided, with no warning to cut across the front of my path directly where my feet were, then stared at me as though I had stood there and kicked him on purpose. 

That being said, when I returned from Derbyshire yesterday, feeling pretty sick and tired and just wanting my bed, it was lovely to be able to cuddle him and give him a kiss. His, almost, unconditional love (much more reliable when plied with treats) made me feel better when all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and sleep for a week. 

Anyway, the additional wonderful thing is that I have another week of this. Although puppy wouldn't be too happy if he knew that his parents were away for another week, he thankfully understands that I am better than nothing, which is a plus point.

Catch you later. 

Ouch,

What with one thing or another cropping up, I haven't yet managed to go out for my second run of the week, but I got home tonight with the intention of "suiting up" and getting out there, before realising that I had left my running water bottle at work and one of my feet was covered in blisters across the toes due to ill-fitting shoes. Great. 

Not wanting to put to bed the, I can't bring myself to say good yet, mediocre work that I put in on Sunday, and also the power walk and stair climbing I put in yesterday, I decided I was going to force myself into doing something tonight. I don't think I ever realised how many fitness videos there were on Youtube! I mean, seriously!!

One of my big issues with all of this is, I'm a writer. I tend more towards couch potato than runner/pilates and all of that sort of thing. I am kicking my own behind into this because I was annoyed about my horrendously expanded waistline, though it seems I have very quickly reached the point of needing a belt so that certain pairs of my trousers don't fall down! (RESULT!)

The great thing about YouTube is that it means that people like me, i.e. people with absolutely no idea what they're doing, can be easily inducted into the world of exercise without having to feel like utter muppets, because dance cardio does feel a little bit more like glorified twerking than anything else. (I'm not saying it is that, I'm saying that's what it feels like). The only problem with it though - well, no, not the only problem, but one of the ones on the list - is the sheer lunacy of the fact that I still don't know if I'm doing it right. 

Now, that might not sound like that much of a problem for some people, but here is the problem in simple terms: 

How do I know I'm doing it right? 

You'll feel it working.

What does it feel like? 

Essentially, your muscles hurt.

Well, how do I know if I'm doing it wrong? 

You'll injure yourself.

How will I know I've done that? 

Essentially, your muscles will hurt.

Can anyone else see the problem there? 

I love running and exercising when I get back into it, but I can't help but laugh at how pathetic I know I am, so this is just going to be fun. 

Catch you later. 

Oh, Well This is a Novelty,

I went into John Lewis today in order to admire the pretty laptops and, well, to pine over another new techy thing, though this one would have been completely unnecessary.

For the past I can't remember how many months, my beloved and beautiful PC has been sat in the corner of my room doing nothing because, and this is the very honest answer, I could not be bothered faffing about on the floor trying to figure out why it had disconnected itself from the internet. Again. However after pinning for a new, and completely unnecessary laptop, I came home, fought off the dust bunnies and sorted out my old pal. 

Granted, this does throw up the issue that I will need to clean the heat sync on the CPU and reapply the thermal paste, however I am not doing that right now. Partly because I haven't bought new thermal paste yet.

ANYWAY, it has brought about the rather disquietening feeling of sitting at my home desk and looking out of the window of my room (there isn't much of a view aside from the roof of my neighbour's kitchen). 

It is not the first unfamiliar feeling today though as it was only this morning that I was pulling on compression pants to go for a run for the first time in, probably around two years? 

The good thing is, I don't hate running. The bad thing is, I'm not overly sure I like it. Or enjoy it rather. The thing is, I find running quite weird because essentially the best part of it, or so I have been told, is the bit where you can feel your body saying, can we slow down a bit, can we walk for a minute, there's a bench there, can we sit? And rather than giving into that voice that is asking to stop, you push on and you achieve, and you strive to get further and further each time you go, or faster and faster before you give in to the feeling of needing a rest. I mean, what is that? 

It almost sounds like an exercise in self-denial and why would anyone want to do that to themselves? I don't know, I cannot tell, and we'll see if I stick at it better this time. Catch you later, when my legs stop hurting.