Clinically Naive,

Trying to write this sodding blog has been a classic example of my not being able to organise my own thoughts, partly because I'm trying to put it together in a way that makes some form of sense to other people and also because bits and pieces keep popping in and out of my head and it's a nightmare. I also keep getting a little, I don't know what the word is but some form of uncomfortable, that I mention the ADHD diagnosis a lot, and I do, but I also know that it's something that is a big part of my life right now, it's a big part of me trying to learn about myself, so I guess I have to suck it up through the bad feelings and just get on with it.

There are some terms that people use about those around them and you just kind of get used to and they're effectively ways of describing your ADHD or autism traits before you realise that's what it is. I've been called clinically naive, I've referred to something my assessor told me isn't dyspraxia (but I forgot the name of it) as my 'clumsy dumbf**kery' and I'm sure there are plenty of other things as well. Once I thought of myself as an eternal teenager, because of a few things, but since the ADHD diagnosis I kind of had this moment where I was like ooooh, that makes more so much more sense now. 

Some of these terms are really useful, and they really help to make some sense of the, quite frankly, mess inside of my head, and I'm sure it's the same for others. Some of these terms help to kind of describe what it feels like to deal with who we are and how our heads work, or don't as the case may be, and some are just other people applying phrases that might seem well meaning, but actually point out that we're different, or try and minimise those differences and make them seem like things we are lacking. Like, my 'eternal teenager'-ness was always blamed on an inability to grow up. 

I get that I can miss social queues, I believe in people for longer than I should and I try to see the best in things, even though it is really difficult. 

One of the things I really struggle with is I take the things that people say, even in off hand comments, to heart. I get upset about it, I get hurt by it, I have had to deal with people treating me like crap for standing up for myself against these comments before, and so I just kind of absorb them, I take them in and I effectively use them as a stick to punish myself with them. I don't do it on purpose, it's something I'm trying not to do, but it happens. 

I think the reason that I wanted to share this - that might be overstating it because I can't say it's the most comfortable thing in the world - is because whilst people think that saying things about ADHD being a band wagon, everyone having it, or it just being lazy girl syndrome for those of us who are just being diagnosed, it's harmful. It's really harmful and sometimes you can hurt people even when you mean well. And hey, that's okay, but if that person tells you that you hurt them, maybe just try to understand them rather than jumping on why it's not your fault that they're hurt.