...I know I need the pressure of a deadline, but this one takes the biscuit. I'm in bed the night before returning to week after a... I was going to write blissful week of annual leave but I think that's wrong... we'll say complicated week of annual leave and I'm exhausted because of the lack of sleep from the last two days and everything I've done in between the two nights with little sleep (yes, it is possible to be exhausted after two bad nights of sleep, particularly for someone with insomnia and ADHD) and my feet somehow feel like blocks of ice despite the fact the electric blanket is on and I only took my slippers off thirty seconds before getting into bed, and there are a myriad of other reasons why my focus right now should be sleep, but I'm writing this blog, and why?
Because my cognitive functions have chosen this moment to spit out a somewhat logical framework by which I can write one of the projects I have been trying to write for the last couple of years. The characters have been there, bit's of storyline have been there, there has been joy, passion and other emotions that have ebbed and flowed, but nothing has come out right, and AS SOON AS I SHOULD BE ASLEEP ahead of what will be another busy week, something in my head shouts coo-ey, have you thought about writing it like this? So. Bloody. Useful.
I need sleep. I need it, now, immediately, but I also know in the time it took me to walk from the bathroom to my bedroom that I lost parts of what I was thinking about possibly never to be seen again. I know that writing this blog is a distraction, but I committed myself to posting more and I'm determined to do it. And I know I need to be up at half past 8 in the morning because my car needs to be serviced, and it took me a while to get an appointment at the garage that I trusts so missing it is not an option. But I really want to write!!
You might think I could just quickly scribble down notes and then that would prompt everything to come back to me in the morning or some time tomorrow *when I have more time* (jokes, I will not have more time tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be mental. And Tuesday is going to be even worse, presuming my car comes home from the garage fine tomorrow. (It not coming home tomorrow isn't really an option, but it is a possibility which is giving me anxiety and may be the reason I currently have a horrendous stomach ache.) Here's the problem. Memory prompts do not work well on me. I'm like the character from my beloved The Monsters of Gramercy Park: wake up in the night and scribble Ardilla on my hand, wake up in the morning and wonder why my nocturnal ponderings included Spanish squirrels. Imagine the kid from Paulie refusing to speak. 'Can you say but- ter- fly?' and all you get is a shaking head? As soon as I ask a question or start trying to recall something, it's like a little egg thief thing from Spyro grabs it, runs off and I'm having to choose between charging after it at high speed, use special flame throwing capacities (we'll say that's asking my mum... or Alexa...) or try and find another way to the same thing, because sometimes I just get frustrated because I can see what I mean, but I can't find the word and I can't draw to save my life so it's not coming out that way... The problem is, much like Spyro with me at the controls I end up banging my head into walls. Not going to lie though, liking the example where I am a dragon.
I don't want to spend some time, where I still don't sleep, writing something which turns out to be useless to me, but I also don't want to stay up all night trying to write it the way I want to write it, even just as a framework, because I already feel like I need match sticks to keep my eyes open. Sadly, the next time I have annual leave booked is also my birthday and I have plans to go and see Mr Big then (though whether that is on the day of my birthday or the day after is yet to be decided. Other than the fact the gig on my birthday is in Nottingham and that's a bit of a drive, I would be (am) really tempted to go to both since it is the final tour, and honestly, I'm not ready. I'm not sure I ever will be or would be ready for it to be their final tour, but I'm certainly not ready for it now.
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